How do I develop a thicker skin?.

mawsrosie
I envy people who can just barge or brazen their way through any situation, apparently unaffected, unfazed by other people and immune to slights or the thoughtlessness of others.

I think you completely misinterprete what other people are doing. They have got so used to slights that they learn to just 'keep calm and soldier on', by _giving the impression_ they are unaffected and unfazed by other people's thoughtlessness.

The other thing is that most of us have filters on our ears, some thicker and more numerous than others and some people hear slights were none were meant.

Two members of my family have/had such filters. and i have had remarks retold to me where I was present when they were said. In retelling a few words get changed or a tone changed so that a perfectly innocent remark is turned into a slight. Other family members will also tell this person that their version is not accurate.

A dear departed uncle, used to tell a story of his first day at work and the remarks his new manager made to him at the beginning and end of the day. He would end by saying 'I was crushed, utterly crushed, on my first day. To this day none of us has worked out how the phrases the manager used could possibly have been considered as put downs.

It’s the logical suggestion pleasebenice but I fear it would light a blue touchpaper - denial, defensive, outraged, disingenuous, possibly emotional - a sleeping dog I would rather let lie. I just have to be big enough to suck it up, pinnng a smile on my face, bearing in mind that she can be a very complex woman, emotionally.
There have been instances in the past when I would be the one she picked an argument with, instead of eg having something out with DH, her brother. Maybe I am the weakest link.
If as has been suggested there is any jealousy involved I can’t do anything about that.
What is it they say, you can’t change how people treat you, but you can change how you react to them.
Down to me now I think!

butterandjam

*Recently at a family lunch I found my sister in law was arranging a date for a “family “ outing to my DD’s Regents Park production (including my son in law’s father). It wasn’t until I sort of “ahemmed” and asked if I was included, that she condescended to ask if I wanted to go too*

The difference between you and me, is that in the above scenario I'd be delighted someone was organising an extended family outing to support DD's production.

SIL, or any reasonable person, would assume that as DD's mother I already had a complimentary ticket and VIP front row seat .

So I would respond to SIL EITHER " That's great, hope you all enjoy it. I'll be at < different performance>, really looking forward to it"

OR " I'll be at the same performance, Already got my ticket"

You're just looking for offence where there was none. A self-made martyr.

Far from being "sensitive", you're demonstrating the opposite; unperceptive and thick-skinned.

I can hardly believe you have written this! How very rude. Try a little bit of empathy. It is not okay to bully someone who is feeling vulnerable. Be ashamed.

I never used to confront anyone, this was as a result of bring brought up by a narcissistic mother, I always felt I was in the wrong.

This has now changed, I found my voice and after a lot of reading and research I have learned how to confront.
It’s very empowering.

The first time I spoke out was when a male friend telephoned our home, I was out, middle child answered, he had dropped out of university and was living with us however he was working in a pub in the evening doing all the meals and some housework as we were out at work, he had also created a veg plot and was in physical training for the Navy parole board.
The friend told our son he should have stuck out his course and that living at home sponging off his parents and lazing around was not good for a 19 year old.

I was furious and our son was upset, I called the friend and asked him why he thought it necessary to speak to him in such a way, I suggested he should have asked him how he he was and if he had any plans rather than lay into him.
I explained how much he was doing and how lovely it was to have him with us.

The friend was mortified and called our son to apologise.

It was an easy victory and paved the way for me to continue my assertiveness.

I am always polite, firm, quiet and with all the facts before I confront.

You could just ask your sister in law. Benefit of the doubt always good in these situations. Could just be a misunderstanding. Have a one to one and explain how you felt. Once you do it once you get the confidence to challenge other slights. You don’t need a thicker skin, you need a little more faith in yourself to say hang on a minute. You can do it. Good luck.

MawsRosie
I think you’re a sensitive person not an over sensitive one.You could tell that your SIL wasn’t going to include you so you spoke up, good for you.You didn’t make an issue of it or an argument you simply asked if the outing included you which resolved the problem, so was exactly the right thing to say.
Why your SIL didn’t immediately include you as you were right there at the time is a mystery, unless she thought you had already booked a seat for a performance already?

Very insensitive of your sil.
Does she have a close relationship with your daughter?
Either way she should have asked you first before she started organising this trip and introduced to the wider family as 'let's all go to the preformance, MawsRosie is happy for me to organise it.'

Was SIL assuming you were already going to see the performance?

Was your DD at the family lunch? If so, and you were not booked to go, perhaps she should have stepped in and said “Well, am sure Mum would like to come also”.

It’s your daughter, not hers, so just keep thinking that.

As it was a family outing, your sister was very unkind not to automatically include you. Is she always this insensitive?

It's not a question of being thick-skinned. Anyone would be offended by this attitude.

I can sense atmospheres within a group of people but generally I manage to smile and chat, whilst still having the 'rejection' mode at the back of my mind.

HelterSkelter1

It is late and I should be asleep, but I cannot follow the indented quotes. Cannot follow who is quoting who.
I too would be upset OP. Did the others there think it was tactless of your SIL? And rather unkind as she knows you are on your own. Strange behaviour of hers.

I think the indented quotes by MawsRosie are all taken from just one person's post.
She wanted to correct some points of misunderstanding, and explain which choice of words had really upset her.

It is late and I should be asleep, but I cannot follow the indented quotes. Cannot follow who is quoting who.
I too would be upset OP. Did the others there think it was tactless of your SIL? And rather unkind as she knows you are on your own. Strange behaviour of hers.

Did your daughter know about what was said? I think the SIL was tackless, her remark about "do you want to come" makes her sound stupid or in someway lacking.

I would stop thinking about her now and enjoy the performance as a proud Mother.

Always consider there might be some jealousy
.Of me? you may say?
You may be surprised. You have a DD.. DD is successful.....she cant understand your pain...

Allira

Never mind, it's only your daughter! 😁
It's her niece!!

Is your SiL always this left field or is it something new and out of character?

I think it comes from a deep insecurity, never had children of her own, and only one long term relationship , so although she has an amazing circle of friends and is forever out at arty/ theatrical things I think she may still be compensating for missing out on parenthood.
Left field could be putting it mildly, but I had better say no more!

Agree!

Never mind, it's only your daughter! 😁
It's her niece!!

Is your SiL always this left field or is it something new and out of character?

Thank you so much to all who «got» me!

I have to take issue with the myriad misunderstandings instanced here however
The difference between you and me, is that in the above scenario I'd be delighted someone was organising an extended family outing to support DD's production
A major professional production does not rely on ‘family or friends’ support

SIL, or any reasonable person, would assume that as DD's mother I already had a complimentary ticket and VIP front row seat
As above, West End theatres, NT, RSC, Regents Park Open Air Shakespeare etc do not give out comps for mums (however proud)
This is not some local AmDram show.

So I would respond to SIL EITHER " That's great, hope you all enjoy it. I'll be at < different performance>, really looking forward to it ‘
As her late older brother’s widow, would it be likely for me to travel to London and go to an evening performance on my own, making my own way back to Euston for the last train?

OR " I'll be at the same performance, Already got my ticket
How would I know which performance? It runs for weeks

You're just looking for offence where there was none. A self-made martyr
Hardly a self- made martyr to have my now solitary status rubbed in.
Far from being "sensitive", you're demonstrating the opposite; unperceptive and thick-skinned
If I were as thick- skinned as you put it, I think I would have been as blithely unaware of the thoughtlessness at the time as you seem to be.

Another here who feels your sister in law was crass RosiesMaw in discussing a get together in which you (and only you) were excluded.

Some people have little social awareness.
No wonder you were hurt.

I used to be famous in the family for being able to remember what so-and-so said to me in 1962 or thereabouts and they still haven't apologised 😂
Grammaretto 😀
I have difficulty remembering the so-and-so's names though!!

Mind you, I often put both feet in it too.

Why do posts like this descend into slanging matches?

Yes your SiL was being very insensitive.
Why would you talk about a private arrangement in front of people who aren't included.

I hope I'm not guilty of being like this person.

I often feel left out but probably others are affected by my behaviour sometimes.
My skin is definitely thicker nowadays and my memory shorter so it's harder to hold a grudge.

I used to be famous in the family for being able to remember what so-and-so said to me in 1962 or thereabouts and they still haven't apologised 😂

SpinDriftCoastal

I am really sorry to hear that you were treated like this. Your SIL sounds like one of those bossy types or Queen Bees. Sadly, the discerning manners most of us were brought up with, are swiftly disappearing. The way people behave and what they say is usually a reflection of them and not you.

👏👏👏👏👏

I am really sorry to hear that you were treated like this. Your SIL sounds like one of those bossy types or Queen Bees. Sadly, the discerning manners most of us were brought up with, are swiftly disappearing. The way people behave and what they say is usually a reflection of them and not you.

kittylester

*butterandjam*, time to stop digging.

Rosie's i have a similar sister in law. Sadly she now has dementia.

So sorry to hear that Kittylester it’s a thought though.

I too absolutely hate, tension, an atmosphere and confrontation. The trouble is I have a very long fuse but when it blows it BLOWS and I take no prisoners.

butterandjam

*Recently at a family lunch I found my sister in law was arranging a date for a “family “ outing to my DD’s Regents Park production (including my son in law’s father). It wasn’t until I sort of “ahemmed” and asked if I was included, that she condescended to ask if I wanted to go too*

The difference between you and me, is that in the above scenario I'd be delighted someone was organising an extended family outing to support DD's production.

SIL, or any reasonable person, would assume that as DD's mother I already had a complimentary ticket and VIP front row seat .

So I would respond to SIL EITHER " That's great, hope you all enjoy it. I'll be at < different performance>, really looking forward to it"

OR " I'll be at the same performance, Already got my ticket"

You're just looking for offence where there was none. A self-made martyr.

Far from being "sensitive", you're demonstrating the opposite; unperceptive and thick-skinned.

How incredibly rude and patronising!