How do I develop a thicker skin?.

I’d have just said something along the lines of ‘not sorted my ticket or date yet, can you put me down please?’

If so I wonder whether you've been wanting your own company since being on your own and if she's picked up on that and just been surprised

Show me any widow who wants her own company and is happy to see her AC going to places without her when she has been left on her own!

Realky

It all sounds very strange. Maybe you should phone her and say in the future you would like to be included.
There is the possibility that you could have gone with someone else, maybe your family, rather than your son-in-law's family or a friend. You are not part of their group, and if you want to be, you should say so! It's a good idea to have clarity rather than let wounds fester.

Sorry if I was mot clear.
DH’s family ARE my family. I don’t see how that excludes me from a group.
My daughter’s FIL also widowed is included in many of our family occasions . We all get on very well, he lives in London so probably sees more of GS than,alas I do.
This is DD’s play so I would expect to go with members of her fathers family (I have no others of my own)
Is that still unclear?

It all sounds very strange. Maybe you should phone her and say in the future you would like to be included.
There is the possibility that you could have gone with someone else, maybe your family, rather than your son-in-law's family or a friend. You are not part of their group, and if you want to be, you should say so! It's a good idea to have clarity rather than let wounds fester.

Sleepyhead52

Allira

sixandahalf

I do think this type of hurtful behaviour is on the increase. My theory is if we wanted to let somebody down or whatever we had to do it face to face. Now people can do as they please by tapping away. Deleting, blocking, hiding.
It's horrible.

The point is that this was face to face.
Your issue is quite different and really rather irrelevant.

Yes, MawsRosie, it was tasteless and hurtful. Is she usually like this? A strange thing to do.

I have found people round here (not GN! locally) can be very cliquey sometimes. I have belonged to a group for many years but there is a Special Group of Chosen Ones within the group, run by a Queen Bee who make sure others know what a lovely time they all have when they go out for lunches, afternoon teas etc.
I'm not the only one who feels snubbed. After many years, we have decided to leave which is sad.

Allira - I think you may have missed an opportunity here ... if there are several of you being 'missed out' make your own group and do lots of exciting things together! Have something like a whatsapp group, don't have a QB! If you or anyone else comments on this I won't see it, I don't seem able to get to grips with how GN works, even after reading the instructions! x

Good advice!)
Yes, I do belong to other groups.

Yes, it does depend on looking carefully about how she has been over a long time character wise before making a bold move x

Is there a possibility that your SIL automatically assumed you would already have plans to see your successful DD’s prestigious production? You must be very proud.

If not, envy and insecurity, as suggested, may be the answer.

Maws - your sil was indeed tactless but is this uncharacteristic behaviour for her, and is she your sil by virtue of being your deceased DH's sister? If so I wonder whether you've been wanting your own company since being on your own and if she's picked up on that and just been surprised. Of course, she should have had a word with you beforehand to let you know her plans, but at the same time you will now need to try at least letting people know you are ready/keen to be included. Well done to your DD and sil anyway. I hope you do go and enjoy yourself.

Allira

sixandahalf

I do think this type of hurtful behaviour is on the increase. My theory is if we wanted to let somebody down or whatever we had to do it face to face. Now people can do as they please by tapping away. Deleting, blocking, hiding.
It's horrible.

The point is that this was face to face.
Your issue is quite different and really rather irrelevant.

Yes, MawsRosie, it was tasteless and hurtful. Is she usually like this? A strange thing to do.

I have found people round here (not GN! locally) can be very cliquey sometimes. I have belonged to a group for many years but there is a Special Group of Chosen Ones within the group, run by a Queen Bee who make sure others know what a lovely time they all have when they go out for lunches, afternoon teas etc.
I'm not the only one who feels snubbed. After many years, we have decided to leave which is sad.

Allira - I think you may have missed an opportunity here ... if there are several of you being 'missed out' make your own group and do lots of exciting things together! Have something like a whatsapp group, don't have a QB! If you or anyone else comments on this I won't see it, I don't seem able to get to grips with how GN works, even after reading the instructions! x

Hmmm...I'd think hard before confronting someone who is bitter/toxic like that. But it's a close call and depends on an assessment of that person in the long term going forward.

Why risk her turning against you more forcefully?

Her bitterness stirring things more? If you do "Tell it like it is" then she may repeat it to other family members as "poor little me attacked by nasty MawsRosie

Red rag to a bull?

What gain to you, when her toxicity means a covert attention seeker likely to bite back?

Possibly consider the "grey rock technique"

Rather than explain it ham fistedly....I'll just say that I had to use this when separating from a co-ercively abusive husband for a whole year in 2022.

And I didn't think of it as Grey Rock at the time, I didn't then know the term, just fell into it. And I need to use it atm in a particular situation.

And it's hard to spot and avoid the "hooks" someone like SiL can dangle.

Quote

"The grey rock technique is a psychological strategy used to deal with manipulative, narcissistic, or toxic individuals.

By purposely acting as boring and emotionally unresponsive as a "grey rock," you deny them the drama and emotional reactions they feed on, eventually causing them to lose interest and disengage.

I tried to find a relevant page and googled

"how can I gently use grey rock against a toxic family member"

which brought up some ideas you might consider.

I agree, it seems unkind to me. Plus not everyone can come up with a quick response in moments of stress.

MawsRosie your posts are so wise and sensible that I was surprised to read your original post here. And, by the way, you must be super-proud of your DD. (Is your sister in law jealous?? And is she usually pushy and insensitive?)
Are you sure your sister-in-law was "forgetting" to include you? Could she have assumed that you would obviously be included automatically?
If you really think she was being so pushy and insensitive, she needs to be told. Decide in advance how you want to say it and ring her up and let her know how you felt. Make her uncomfortable. She'll be more careful in future.
I've done it. It made me feel I had agency. And it worked.

There is a word for this sort of woman ... its a B*tch !!!

Ive never cared much what other people though of me unless they were in a position to help me in life. I discovered long ago that if you do things with a certain air of confidence and panache people are unlikely to question you. Ive never hesitated to confidently push myself into occasions where I was not specifically invited, knowing no one would say anything about it to my face. Ive walked to the front of a queue as though I had some special iVIP nvitation and no one has ever challenged me.

Now I can't be bothered with people and avoid them like the plague.

Wyllow3

Second paragraph meant our inner learnt instructions to be nice.

(Maybe our generation growing up as girls it was very strong?)

Yes.

Second paragraph meant our inner learnt instructions to be nice.

(Maybe our generation growing up as girls it was very strong?)

Then of course there is guilt 🙄

We should of course be nice in RL even in the face of hostility so it leads to self reproach and doubt.

Yes, envy is the big nasty sibling of jealousy.

Envy seeks to destroy that which it envies. To close down the trigger.

It's important to share vulnerability. Or even be known to have it, or how else do we get comfort and support?

- but RL experience over-trusting people who pretend to care - shows it's not good to be naive in the face of realities.

Aber57

Wow butter and jam are you the sister in law? How to make friends and influence people not!

Quite possibly!!

butterandjam

*Recently at a family lunch I found my sister in law was arranging a date for a “family “ outing to my DD’s Regents Park production (including my son in law’s father). It wasn’t until I sort of “ahemmed” and asked if I was included, that she condescended to ask if I wanted to go too*

The difference between you and me, is that in the above scenario I'd be delighted someone was organising an extended family outing to support DD's production.

SIL, or any reasonable person, would assume that as DD's mother I already had a complimentary ticket and VIP front row seat .

So I would respond to SIL EITHER " That's great, hope you all enjoy it. I'll be at < different performance>, really looking forward to it"

OR " I'll be at the same performance, Already got my ticket"

You're just looking for offence where there was none. A self-made martyr.

Far from being "sensitive", you're demonstrating the opposite; unperceptive and thick-skinned.

Well, that was a mean and nasty post butterandjamm, very unkind and uncalled for.

Esmay 👍😁

You and me both !
I wish that my mother hadn't instilled in me the over importance of being polite and never causing a fuss .
I tip - toed through my childhood and into adulthood always anxious to please and not offend people .
It means that I really get walked over in all sorts of ways.
I'm reeling from the latest unpleasant attitude from someone who I thought was a forever friend.
I thought that we were liaising on a project .
I found out by sheer chance that she hasn't contacted someone .
She said that she had.
It's yet another blatant lie.

And completely unknown to me she's going on a secret holiday with a group of friends.
It's not that I expected to be included ,but it would be nice to know .
No doubt this is another freebie or a cheap deal .
Money is an obsession with her.

I no longer can trust her .

Wow butter and jam are you the sister in law? How to make friends and influence people not!

keepcalmandcavachon

What is it they say, you can’t change how people treat you, but you can change how you react to them.
Down to me now I think!

This, I think is key MawsRosie, maybe reframing it in your mind as yet another wearisome example of her 'grating' personality will help

Spot on! Hope you’re feeling better today 💐

Wyllow3

Always consider there might be some jealousy
.Of me? you may say?
You may be surprised. You have a DD.. DD is successful.....she cant understand your pain...

I think SiL has some unconscious envy and perhaps some issues which need to be resolved.

What is it they say, you can’t change how people treat you, but you can change how you react to them.
Down to me now I think!

This, I think is key MawsRosie, maybe reframing it in your mind as yet another wearisome example of her 'grating' personality will help