My mum

Biscuitmuncher

SpindriftCoastal thank you, my mum passed 4 years ago. She used to get Delirium which was really strange and very hard to deal with

Biscuitmuncher

More time passing will be your friend. My mum was better than that, ie she wasn't bitter but very opinionated and totally never understood me at all or really was able to try

But time passing has gifted me with more understanding. How? Well, reviewing my mums own upbringing... what made her how she was including discussing it with one of my sibs.

(My Dad died when I was 19, she was 48, lived to 84)....Mum went into mental hospital, wasn't able to be there for us at all.

Dont "forget" the bitter bits, it's more like adding the good bits, and seeing them both.

Biscuitmaker I could have written your post, I am exactly the same except that I did a fair bit of therapy and it helped me see that my mother had a really hard life but she did her best for me and my brother. I was always well fed, well clothed and loved, the latter as long as I lived the kind of virginal, catholic life she espoused and when I didn't she could be very unkind.

At the moment, I know a young woman whose mother I never met but who, I gather, supported and loved her younger sister more than her. I can't believe the bitterness this young (40ish) woman holds against her mother, who was found dead in a field with her beloved horses, 'at least she didn't give us any trouble at the end' she said, 'frankly, I miss my dog more than her'. I tried to say give it time and that perceptions change later but she was having none of it. She is almost estranged from her younger sister, 'she knows where I live if she wants to get in touch'.

I feel sad and I wonder what it is about humans, the unhappiness we cause each other.

My mum used to say we are not tough enough. The morning she died, I went in to work with a straight face. When they asked me how I could be there after the tragic loss I just said I was showing her I was tough enough.

I hoped my parents would become benign and kindly in their later years. Like something from a children's story book. There was a brief period like this, but my mother was always inconsistent.
As she aged, she became more difficult. They could turn it on when the cleaner or the carer or a friend from Church called round. I got the thick end of it.

Biscuitmuncher You did your very best.

I have this too and it makes me sad. I cared for both parents in the last 10 years of their lives and they were very demanding. I too am an only child and although I loved them dearly they took over my life.

I now find it hard to remember the happy times.

My mother could be really cruel with her remarks.
She used to make me feel totally inadequate and unhappy.
I spent my life trying to please her and failing.
But I now think back to her life.
It wasn't easy for many reasons.
I grew to understand that she didn't want me to make the same mistakes.

I know what you mean 😂. Count to 10 😉.

TheSunRisesInTheEast

It seems that people change as they get older, I am now noticing it with my mum. Her attitude has changed. She sometimes doesn't have a filter, she'll say what she wants, please or offend, is quite opinionated and is sure that her way is the right way. My adult children notice it, they think she sometimes speaks out of turn. She has become very black and white. She acknowledges her forthright views and it's as if she's entitled to speak her mind because she's the matriarch of the family. I just make excuses for her and blame her age. She's always been a lovely mum to me, not only my mum, but like a sister and best friend too. I'll be lost without her.

My hubby says an ‘old lady thing’ his mum had no filter.
My mum seems to be loosing her confidence after loosing my dad 16 months ago.
She constantly natters about problems that haven’t even occurred yet. It’s ‘what if’ all the time.
We do have a good relationship to a point, until she harps on about my weight to the point where I have gone on weight loss jabs, more to please her.
She does use the emotional blackmail tactic as well, like “oh I need lemonade & toilet rolls.. before I can answer, she will say “ but I suppose I can drag my big trolly bag on the bus” before I get a chance to offer to pick it up for her.
That’s what annoys me more the long winded explanations of why she can’t do something. JUST BLINKING ASK!! Can I pick up lemonade on my way home.

It seems that people change as they get older, I am now noticing it with my mum. Her attitude has changed. She sometimes doesn't have a filter, she'll say what she wants, please or offend, is quite opinionated and is sure that her way is the right way. My adult children notice it, they think she sometimes speaks out of turn. She has become very black and white. She acknowledges her forthright views and it's as if she's entitled to speak her mind because she's the matriarch of the family. I just make excuses for her and blame her age. She's always been a lovely mum to me, not only my mum, but like a sister and best friend too. I'll be lost without her.

I feel the same. My Mum said some silly and unkind things in her last years and I tend to dwell on those but it isn’t really fair. She tried her best to be a good mum and usually was. I recently saw a picture of her aged 26 holding me as a tiny child. She was smiling and looked so pretty. I must try to think of her when she was younger rather than dwell on her final years.

I’m an only child, my Dad became very unwell and my Mum didn’t cope well and they both leant on me in different ways, Dad died in 2016, my mum was heartbroken and went completely to pieces, we all thought she would die quite after my dad, but she didn’t and caring for her until 2022 put a huge strain on myself and my family especially our younger daughter who stepped up to the plate big time to help me.

I miss both my parents immensely and try so hard to focus on positive, not negative, feelings and memories, but boy is it hard! Good luck moving forward

Aveline

It's very nice if you have happy memories to look back on but not everyone does. I do feel guilty about my negative feelings towards my mum but they are explicable .

Sorry to hear that, Aveline. I hope you were able to put your unhappy childhood behind you and you've had a much happier adulthood. Some women just aren't cut out to be mothers and the children suffer as a result, it doesn't mean that you can't go on to live a happy and fulfilling life with or without children despite your upbringing 🤗💐.

TheSunRisesInTheEast thank you your words have really helped

It's very nice if you have happy memories to look back on but not everyone does. I do feel guilty about my negative feelings towards my mum but they are explicable .

Biscuitmuncher, maybe you are subconsciously holding on to the negative feelings of your mum's final years as a coping mechanism against feeling deeply upset and bereft for your loss.

Four years after losing your mum, now is the time to put those negative thoughts aside and allow yourself to remember all the lovely memories of her throughout your childhood and when your dad was alive, happy home life and holidays together.

I am an only child too, I think only children have an extra special bond with their parents, you are their everything, sometimes it can feel a little suffocating, but I never missed having siblings because my mum has been like a sister and best friend too. The downside of that is you become the person to support all life's ups and downs, good times and bad times, happy times and sad times. The closeness is all encompassing and sometimes stifling.

I expect you miss your mum no end, allow yourself to grieve for her, and in remembering the good times it will put the negative memories to the back of your mind. Think of your mum and smile.

Take comfort in the thought that your mum and dad are now reunited, looking down on their precious girl with love and pride. One day the three of you will be together again 🙏. Take care 💐.

SpindriftCoastal thank you, my mum passed 4 years ago. She used to get Delirium which was really strange and very hard to deal with

Sorry, that should have been just keep on doing 'you'.....

Does your mum still live on her own? You don't say. My mum had dementia in her final years when I looked after her and she was not the mother who was marvellous in her prime. The darker thoughts will fade and you will look back on the happy times in time. It has sadly taken me about 8 years to get to that stage since my mother passed away but slowly the happy memories are returning and the darker years are fading. Be gentle on yourself and just keep doing your where your mum is concerned. They say that people are only difficult with those they trust and feel safe with. Sending very best wishes.

eddiecat78 a relief to know it's not just me

I'm in the same situation. My Dad died 7 years ago and I found his final years incredibly stressful. He became very reliant on me and demanding - expecting me to sort out all his problems. He was also very depressed especially for the last 2 years when he was in a carehome. I saw him most days and each visit was extremely distressing.
Prior to this we had a very good relationship, he did lots for me and we shared many happy times - but all of my memories are of those final years.