Stay at Home Mums

I always believe that we cannot control events but we can decide our own responses to them. Given exactly the same set of events background etc, 2 different people will respond entirely differently to them.

All our lives, all our decisions are based on the events in our life.

I think you are right M0nica. It is a combination of factors. My two sisters and I, with the same background, have led entirely different lives, because we took different opportunities, different life events affected us, and we made different choices.

Casdon

I don’t think there’s any chance of either ‘side’ of this debate fully understanding the perspective of the other ‘side’. Nobody is right or wrong, and it isn’t proven that children have fared better or worse than anybody else’s as a direct result of the choices their mother made- it’s all down to personal choice.

Agreed. There is no universal right or wrong, merely that which is best for the individual parents. Down to choices.

I was ASAH mum till my first two started school, then I had a part time job working 4 hours each day where I was there to see them off to school and I was home before they were out of school, this suited us ,but it's everyone's choice whether they work after they have children or not..

But making the choice between being a working mother or a SAHM has absolutely no bearing on how much you love your children, care about them, are concerned about their welfare or the AC they become.

It is everything to do with the individual, their circumstances, their personality and preferences and what is best for their children.

Surely a choice made is what’s best for my child not what’s best for me

Anniebach

Surely a choice made is what’s best for my child not what’s best for me

The best choice is surely one that works for everybody - your child, you, and your family? All those factors impact on all your lives. There are so many people on Gransnet who have come from unhappy home lives, and many of them are because their mother has taken out her resentment at her situation on her children.

One can choose what’s best for one’s child without resentment surely

I think one can much more easily now, but in the past a lot of women who would doubtless have been happier working had no choice other than to stay at home looking after their children full time. You only have to read what posters say on here about their mothers to know that’s the case.

I can only speak for myself and knowing my Mother and my
daughter made the same choice

Anniebach

One can choose what’s best for one’s child without resentment surely

I don't understand why anyone would have a child then resent that child for needing their care
We have young women in the family who have chosen not to have children because their careers and their freedom are important to them.

Casdon

I think one can much more easily now, but in the past a lot of women who would doubtless have been happier working had no choice other than to stay at home looking after their children full time. You only have to read what posters say on here about their mothers to know that’s the case.

My mother worked part-time for as long as I can remember.
It worked for us.

@Casdon, l couldn't agree with you more. I loved being at home with my children when they were little but am also glad that l was in a position to continue giving music lessons, albeit in a very limited way, before they started school. As they grew older, I was able to have more pupils but I was still able to juggle my career around my children. I realise I was very fortunate. However, the money l earned was necessary and I also believe it was good for my children to see that a mother was more than a housewife. I needed to use my musical gifts and would have found the life of a housewife very limiting as they became older. I was there for everything they needed and helped a lot with their schools, too. Musicians are always needed in schools and church - l have always been very involved there, too. I think l am trying to say that if I were not able to use my brain and music, I would have been very unfulfilled and it would not have been fair on or good for my family.

More than a housewife !

Anniebach

More than a housewife !

Yes, I was a person who happened to be a wife and mother, not someone married to a house 😁

How sad that nurturing children through the first essential years of life is considered unfulfilling.

The problem is that if you have a career (as opposed to "just" a job), taking several years out to bring up children sets you back immeasurably. I'm afraid most things are still unfairly weighted against women and, to be fair, the world cannot stop because you've had a baby. I think this is what the Mumsnet posters were trying to emphasise as much as anything.

flappergirl

The problem is that if you have a career (as opposed to "just" a job), taking several years out to bring up children sets you back immeasurably. I'm afraid most things are still unfairly weighted against women and, to be fair, the world cannot stop because you've had a baby. I think this is what the Mumsnet posters were trying to emphasise as much as anything.

True.

Perhaps we could genetically engineer men to give birth in the future.

Quote Allira Sat 07-Jun-25 10:42:56
How sad that nurturing children through the first essential years of life is considered unfulfilling.

I never expected to read on GransNet- a woman who chooses not to go out to work when her children are small is
just a housewife

Allira

How sad that nurturing children through the first essential years of life is considered unfulfilling.

How sad that some people just can't accept that what may be fulfilling for one person might not be for another.

ViceVersa

Allira

How sad that nurturing children through the first essential years of life is considered unfulfilling.

How sad that some people just can't accept that what may be fulfilling for one person might not be for another.

I'm sorry you feel that nurturing pre-school children is unfulfilling.

But nurturing children in the pre-school years is fulfilling and essential for not just their futures but for society.

Obviously not everyone feels like that and so they are not the best people to do that, therefore the emergence and growth of nurseries in the years since my DC were small is a good thing so that children can get the stimulation they need rather than be at home with a resentful (not my choice of word) mother.

Parents have to do what they think is best for them and their children.

I was glad to go back to college then work when my youngest started school, but I enjoyed those years at home with them. After they were all at school, no, I needed to go back to work, for the salary and for the stimulation.

ViceVersa

Allira

How sad that nurturing children through the first essential years of life is considered unfulfilling.

How sad that some people just can't accept that what may be fulfilling for one person might not be for another.

It's the remarks about mothers who stay at home which are unpleasant and need counteracting.

@Anniebach, if you reread my comments, you will see that I was a stay-at-home Mum throughout my children's preschool years. In my first post, I said that I was fortunate because my parents looked after my children one day a week after school hours to enable me to keep my hand in with a little music teaching. This was beneficial to everyone as my children developed a lovely relationship with my grandparents that has continued with my mother to this day - sadly my father died in 2018 but they were equally close to him. In my second post, l said that l was able to arrange my work around them as they grew older. I also said that I did a lot of work in their schools - much of which was voluntary but some paid. Music is in demand. By "just a housewife" l meant after my children started school. I have great respect for women who find fulfillment in the home for the rest of their lives. I could not have been one of them. I needed more and by that l mean I needed to use my God-given talents as a musician. On a final note, my husband was made redundant for a period of time. Thankfully, he found better work until the end of his career but if I had not been working part-time myself at this point, we would have lost the house. We are all different.

Musicgirl ‘just a housewife’ is unkind and unjust when speaking of a woman who stays at home,

My late ex-husband once had to take over the role of full-time "housewife" for 3 weeks.

He came to the conclusion that to manage the home and children efficiently and diligently required executive skills and the stamina of a brick-layer - with the capacity to make continuous mental-notes.

... and upgraded my role as housewife to "Home-Executive".