Am I being selfish?

I have requested a pure cremation which my DD are fine with. I found my mother’s funeral a horrible traumatic experience and looking back I wish I’d have had the courage not to go. Of course this is a very personal thing, I’ve always had a problem with any funeral, I’d much rather the idea of anyone who cared about me went for a nice lunch or something similar.

GanGan, I don’t think you are being selfish, as your decision was made to save your daughter the pain of a funeral, but having a funeral which you have organised for someone is a way of doing ‘ one last thing’ for your loved one, and being with others who are mourning or can share stories about the person can prove very comforting. So many people are surprised by the number who attend a funeral, both those who have thought highly of the person and friends of theirs who have come to support them.

Should say she was in her right mind until she died. She hadn't any signs of dementia. Which makes what she did worse.

Like I said we are atheists and the funeral was at the crem . It wasn't a soul destroying place as some think of crem's as it was an old church that had been turned into a crem . The funeral director had been to see us and the eulogy was all about my husband without any god stuff.

While some think crem's are soul destroying they aren't. I have only been to a burial once . My best friends husband's they had a wicker coffin and she just had a shroud on his body . The coffin was beautiful but must have cost a fortune. But burials to me knowing a loved ones body is rotting in the ground fills me with horror. They where never able to have children. And for a year she went to his grave everyday.

We all have different views on death and funerals no view is wrong it's just want you want .

The worse funeral I ever went to was my mother in law's her brother was her executor. Which was a surprise as up until 2 years before she died it was my children. Also she promised my dieing husband her son she would leave her estate between our children. You do not break a promise to a dieing man especially your son but she did and her estate was spilt into 3 her brother having a 3rd. Also she had always promised my daughter her only granddaughter her wedding and engagement rings but her sister in law had them.

She was brought up a Catholic but didn't go to church act as a catholic until her late 80's when the priest went to get home. But I doubt very much she confessed her greatest sin and that's how she treated her own son and and us before and after his death.

She had a requiem mass at church and short service at the crem. But what was funny well to us was my son and I where behind the coffin and the priest flicked water over the coffin twice and hit me in the face . I remember saying to my son I am melting . I could her my daughter and daughter in law behind me laughing.

The service was awful . I had chosen a wreath from us with all her favourite colours. The one her brother put on looked like they had made it as it was made from twigs and holly. And there was a photo of her at his son's wedding on the coffin . She refused to go too her own grandchildren's wedding. Then the priest who took the service didn't know my mother in law and talked about his dead dog.

The wake was awful with people getting drunk. Also her coffin and funeral procession when from the funeral directors not her home. Never been to a funeral that didn't go from the person's home. To me and my children that was disrespectful.

Primrose53

Gangan2 you post could have been written by a lady I knew. Married with 4 adult children and several grandkids. They were all incredibly close and lived within a few miles of each other. They did everything together and she idolised them all.

She died after a short illness about 5 years ago and it was a shock to many when it was revealed she had asked for no funeral service, no mourners at all, just a cremation. Her reasons were she didn’t want them making themselves more upset and she did not want them buying suits and shoes they would never wear again and could ill afford. I spoke to one of her daughters some months later and she said the whole family had agreed that her Mum made the right decision. It’s several weeks before a funeral can be held and just as you are beginning to accept things, you then have a funeral to contend with.

This is interesting, and I am glad not to be the only person who thinks in a similar way. My daughter and I are incredibly close.
I suggested both her and her husband went somewhere that we have visited together and loved and she thought of me /us sitting somewhere beautiful. I suggested on the top of Ben Nevis ! You really don't need to be looking at a coffin to remember. But I will speak to her again.

Yes, we do.
My friend died very suddenly but I knew she had written out exactly what she wanted at her funeral service.

Tenko

Gangan2 , I found your post very interesting as I know two women whose husbands died last year and both wanted a direct cremation for their husbands, however their AC were totally against it . One stuck to her plan , the other came up with a compromise. They had a celebration of his life in a hotel with family and friends and had his coffin there . After the celebration, where friends and family spoke about him. He went off to the crematorium on his own.
I like the idea that funerals are for the living , a chance to say goodbye.
Good for you for broaching the subject about your funeral.
Mr father died very suddenly from a massive heart attack and had made no plans . My mother wasn’t capable of organising a funeral , so myself and my 2 siblings did it all. I’ve tried to discuss my mothers funeral but all she’ll say is that she wants to be cremated .

I really feel it is a discussion we should all have before 'the time is close ' too many people are left not knowing what the deceased wanted unfortunately.
I arranged a close friend's funeral a few years ago and after the church service the coffin went off to the crematorium and all the mourners went to local hotel . This worked well as he had no family and I like this idea for myself but it requires a service or something of some kind beforehand.
Both my parents died very suddenly and it makes you realise its a conversation that needs to be had for sure !

Gangan2 , I found your post very interesting as I know two women whose husbands died last year and both wanted a direct cremation for their husbands, however their AC were totally against it . One stuck to her plan , the other came up with a compromise. They had a celebration of his life in a hotel with family and friends and had his coffin there . After the celebration, where friends and family spoke about him. He went off to the crematorium on his own.
I like the idea that funerals are for the living , a chance to say goodbye.
Good for you for broaching the subject about your funeral.
Mr father died very suddenly from a massive heart attack and had made no plans . My mother wasn’t capable of organising a funeral , so myself and my 2 siblings did it all. I’ve tried to discuss my mothers funeral but all she’ll say is that she wants to be cremated .

Gangan2 you post could have been written by a lady I knew. Married with 4 adult children and several grandkids. They were all incredibly close and lived within a few miles of each other. They did everything together and she idolised them all.

She died after a short illness about 5 years ago and it was a shock to many when it was revealed she had asked for no funeral service, no mourners at all, just a cremation. Her reasons were she didn’t want them making themselves more upset and she did not want them buying suits and shoes they would never wear again and could ill afford. I spoke to one of her daughters some months later and she said the whole family had agreed that her Mum made the right decision. It’s several weeks before a funeral can be held and just as you are beginning to accept things, you then have a funeral to contend with.

I have been to a new crematorium recently and I don't know how to describe it but it was quite 'natural' with gardens and woodlands and the rooms were warm. So maybe there has been a shift in how they are presented?

I hope you've found this thread useful Gangan. I think you were fine to express your wishes to your daughter, whether she has agreed with it or not. Lots of people in families just don't talk about these kinds of things and what a minefield it can be when newly bereaved - especially when it is someone young, like your Mother was

Funerals are for the living not the dead. Let her decide and do what SHE needs to do to mourn and remember. [ flowers]

My mother donated her body to medical science, as did my father. In both cases, the body was removed from the hospital direct to the medical school, so there was no burial/cremation. A few days later we had a funeral service in a church, with no coffin, followed by a gathering in the house for those who attended. I found it much easier than standing by a grave or in a crematorium as coffin disappeared from view.

My parents were both buried in medical school plot a year or so after they died.

I knew their wishes well in advance and my mother had no problems discussing with me. She also had contingency plans in case medical school wouldn't take her(cremation).
In both cases funeral was very cheap - just a donation to priest for service and the cost of refreshments for guests! Medical school pays all other costs - undertaker etc.
I'm sure this wouldn't suit everyone, but it's another option if you don't want a traditional funeral.

Gangan2 I was brought up in the C of E and we went to church nearly every week. I became an agnostic in my late teens. I can't remember what prompted it; I think it was a feeling that grew.

I remember when my niece was born (40+years ago) that I decided not to be a godmother because I could not bring myself to say the necessary words and if we do go to a religious ceremony (rarely) I do not read the service.

Last year we went to a friend's cremation. It was in a nearby crematorium and the room we went into had windows across one wall so that we looked out over a field towards some woodland. After we left the coffin was removed. We did not see it slide into the furnace.

The coffin was on a trolley and we all able to walk past it, touch if we wanted and spend a few moments before moving outside.

There was a monitor suspended from the ceiling on which were displayed photos of Angie taken throughout her life. Her family and some friends spoke. There was music but I forget what it was.

There was a young man from the crem overseeing proceedings with a very light touch. He played very little in it.

We all came away thinking how beautiful the ceremony had been.

Germanshepherdsmum

I view crematoria in the same way as you. My mother honoured my father’s wish to be cremated but it was not what she or I would have chosen. My husband also wants to be cremated. If you could come to terms with being buried would that not solve the problem? Being religious, I couldn’t contemplate the complete lack of a religious service and committal. Fortunately my husband and son are also Christians.

I just couldn't consider a burial unfortunately. I don't really understand why my daughter has become an agnostic, she was brought up in the CofE church but everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. It doesn't help that her husband feels the same about the church. Is it fair to ask them to do something they have absolutely no belief in ?
If the funeral is for those left behind it must be their choice I guess!

Redhead56

I casually told our son of my wishes the same as yours and he was really irritated and cross with me. I think just talking of death alone upset him at the time I haven’t mentioned the subject since.

That was pretty much the reaction I got when I did the same thing, Redhead.
I think it was partly because it was so out of the blue.

At some point, I will casually mention it again, but do as my dad did, and say that it genuinely doesnt matter to me what eventually happens once I am dead, so although I will tell them what I have in mind (simple cremation, then at some stage ashes to be scattered in a particular place quite close to home, and if they feel like it, for them to have a meal out together to remember me however they want), as far as I am concerned, these are just suggestions and they are welcome to do whatever they are comfortable with.

I do think crematoriums are awful soul destroying places and all I was trying to do was save my daughter from that place.

They aren't all awful and some services can be lovely depending on what you choose, religious or not.

Have a chat - it's something we all need to do and a good reminder for us all.

I view crematoria in the same way as you. My mother honoured my father’s wish to be cremated but it was not what she or I would have chosen. My husband also wants to be cremated. If you could come to terms with being buried would that not solve the problem? Being religious, I couldn’t contemplate the complete lack of a religious service and committal. Fortunately my husband and son are also Christians.

Thank you for all your thoughts. I would just like to confirm that my mother's funeral was totally the opposite and the church service was a great help in my grief but I am sorry I do think crematoriums are awful soul destroying places and all I was trying to do was save my daughter from that place .
My mother died quite young and in my arms and the pain is still with me every day. I just want to protect my girl as much as possible.
Please think before making judgemental comments on such posts.
After reading kinder constructive comments I will try and have the conversation with her again .

There can be lovely, simple non-religious services or a humanist services

With Pure Cremation there is no service at all.

Gangan2

Germanshepherdsmum

Funerals are for the living and to some extent bring (awful word) closure. A chance to say goodbye. Your daughter doesn’t want a ‘pure cremation’ for you. Nor would I want that for a loved one. You may wish you could have done that for your mother but it isn’t what your daughter wants so yes, you are being selfish. The cost of a funeral doesn’t have to be ‘atrocious’. It can be a very simple affair.

My mother's funeral was a full church service, ( we are/were both Christians)crematorium followed by a wake of over 300 people. It was a lovely send-off if that's possible and what we both agreed beforehand. So please don't judge my decision for mine by what I did for my beloved mother! All I was trying to do was save my daughter (who is an agnostic) more grief than I know she will be suffering.

🤔

No-one's judging you Gangan

You said your mother's funeral was the worst day of my life but also that It was a lovely send-off if that's possible and what we both agreed beforehand.

So obviously, although traumatic as these things are, it was what you and your mother both decided on before her death and well worth it as it was a lovely send-off which I understand.

Your daughter, understandably, will want an input, just as you did with your mother's funeral.

My mother also had a church service - like me she was religious and I will have my funeral in the same church and be buried with her in the churchyard. My way of saving my son further grief is to have arranged a simple and short BCP funeral, no long drawn out music and my express wishes made known so that he doesn’t have to guess, as I did. And there’s a nice pub round the corner from that village church where those who wish (there won’t be many) can raise a glass.

Germanshepherdsmum

Funerals are for the living and to some extent bring (awful word) closure. A chance to say goodbye. Your daughter doesn’t want a ‘pure cremation’ for you. Nor would I want that for a loved one. You may wish you could have done that for your mother but it isn’t what your daughter wants so yes, you are being selfish. The cost of a funeral doesn’t have to be ‘atrocious’. It can be a very simple affair.

My mother's funeral was a full church service, ( we are/were both Christians)crematorium followed by a wake of over 300 people. It was a lovely send-off if that's possible and what we both agreed beforehand. So please don't judge my decision for mine by what I did for my beloved mother! All I was trying to do was save my daughter (who is an agnostic) more grief than I know she will be suffering.

However, funerals are for the living, whatever helps them cope with the loss of the loved one
The Yes was to that 🙂

Maybe compromise by having a religious service at the crematorium? Or consider burial?