Experiencing conflict with daughter of 6 children!

ronib

How about you find ways of enjoying each one of your grandchildren? Or is it feeling like rent-a-mob?

How about the daughter finds ways to enjoy her own children and the grandparents go off and enjoy their retirement?

Moy59

I guess we need to talk, although we’ve tried in the past. I feel more strongly about it than my husband so it also causes conflict in our marriage.

If it causes marriage conflict you need to change your routine or he will go off on his own to do other things, then it’s a downhill slide.

tickingbird

ronib

How about you find ways of enjoying each one of your grandchildren? Or is it feeling like rent-a-mob?

How about the daughter finds ways to enjoy her own children and the grandparents go off and enjoy their retirement?

ticking bird how do you know that ‘the daughter’ doesn’t enjoy her own children? It’s beginning to sound as if the rest of the family doesn’t?
Why can’t grandparents enjoy retirement and their grandchildren? It’s not mutually exclusive.

So many must be totally overwhelming, both for the OP and her husband and for her daughter - but this number was the daughter’s choice. Most would have stopped when the twins were born because of the obvious chance of the next pregnancy also resulting in twins. It must be exhausting for the OP and her husband. In their position I would be heading for the hills in that motor home without a backward glance.

No he doesn’t want to go on his own. He feels quite the opposite actually and is worse than me. He always says the children will suffer if we don’t help out.

Not that sort of conflict. My husband is worse than me and always thinks the grandkids will suffer if we don’t do what we do.

We do that regularly, one to one or sometimes 2 or 3. I think our daughter has way too high expectations of us and maybe that’s what needs to change.

No he is worse than me on the guilt side. I try and say to him that we should do less for our daughter but he doesn’t agree. He seems to manage to let conflict with her slide off his back and just accepts it. I used to have a much closer relationship with her before the family got so big. We have little time to be adults together and enjoy time now.

We had planned a family walk the day after for everyone already but she still has to have her say about the party.

Exactly and there will be alcohol and it’s not appropriate for small children. There’s a time and place and an adult party is not it.

That’s how things used to be but they moved 5 mins away after cvd and had another child! I know we are lucky to have them but gosh it’s hard at times

Moy59 sometimes I think that one of my children also has a high expectation of what I can manage. He thinks involving me is keeping me alive and I am flattered that he values my time with his children.
He told me that he wants his children to remember us.
My grandson saw me unexpectedly and gave me the best hug ever. I would encourage you to say no if you can’t handle a request and explain why.

I think she objects to the principle of adult only.

This reads to me like an unreasonable demand that other people accept her children when they would prefer an adult event.

In fact she comes across as quite unreasonable in general. Stop feeling guilty. She's the one who should feel guilty being so dependent on you and your husband.

ronib

Why can’t grandparents enjoy retirement and their grandchildren? It’s not mutually exclusive.

They should and I do. However, they shouldn’t be run ragged with excessive gp duties when AC decide to have children that they expect others to look after.

Baggs, nail on head.

Thank you tickingbird glad you got the point.

Moy, it is time your daughter stepped up and started being a mother rather than behaving like a child herself.
I'm sure many of us have missed out on family parties etc because of our own young children, it is part of being a responsible parent.
You've made an arrangement to all get together after the planned evening event so do stop beating yourself up over this and tell her to grow up.

Not necessarily relevant, but I wonder if the daughter’s anxiety leads her to escape the stress of work and real life in general by having another baby (with which her parents will help her).

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there. She wouldn’t have been able to have another baby had she stayed living 3 hours away I’m sure.

We should all accept responsibility for our children and not depend of other too much.
I think you should go off in your motorhome for as long as you like.

you don't actually have to wait until she changes her expectations, (=never).
you have to take charge of your own life, how you use your time, value your leisure.
you have to stand up for yourself, just do what you want, just tell her you will not be available.
you don't have to get her permission.
turkeys don't vote for xmas.

Her children are hers to care for. Drive off in your motor home and have a lovely time. She'll cope without you to solve for her.

I am not sure that the advice offered is appropriate for a mother suffering from anxiety?
The idea that an anxious mother would want a sixth child to avoid going to work and facing up to real life seems a bit over the top. I think that your daughter must be exhausted. Can she not have appropriate medical advice to help her with her issues?
Perhaps borrow a newborn and do the night shift and then look after five children before commenting!

So did I sodapop.
I don't think that's unusual.

Regarding your daughter- I agree with the other poster who said let dad babysit and come to the party if she wants to.
If she's breastfeeding the smallest then just bring that one. I had 5 children, parents 100s of miles away.
That's what I would have done.
Does he work nights though? Just thought of that.

Our daughter has suffered with anxiety for a very long time, it’s not new. She has had plenty of therapy over the years, but it is deep rooted and related to self esteem. I would never say or do anything to worsen this and unfortunately that is part of the problem.