Should guests dictate the menu?

Just eat left over gluten free biscuits!
As for vegetarians or vegans .not cooking meat.for.mear/animal.peoducts.aters, why should they, meat eaters can eat vegetarian or vegan,. As long as any medical needs are taken into account. I'd always want to accommodate people I knew were coming to visit. Sadly few.swem.to accommodate my medical need for a.low.caeb meal.

I went to boarding school with no choice about food whatsoever . I soon changed from a rather picky child into one who would have a go at anything, and that has stayed with me. Except olives! 🤢 These days I’m delighted if someone puts a meal or drink in front of me of which I've had absolutely no input.

Biscuits of any shade often go stale in this house as Dh and I rarely eat them. I’ve often thrown away the remains of stale out-of-date packs if I’ve bought some for guests. People seem strangely reluctant to take the rest of the packet, if I offer them!

Ditto for decaff/fruit tea. I found dusty packets of OOD ones in the back of the cupboard when we moved house!

Looking back, I suppose I was raised to not cause inconvenience or embarrassment to others, which is why I’d just go without if I didn’t like what was offered, or I would provide my own preferences.

I would just politely decline anything I didn't like. The exception is drinks Nd I habe a small tub of decaff in my bag. Friends/family who drink herbal tea carry that with them too.

Doodledog I do sympathise - some years ago we had regular meetings at my house. I bought a hot water dispenser and then put coffee. tea etc next to it so people could help themselves. Things like oat milk weren't so readily available then but lactose intolerant people usually just drank their coffee black.
A jug of cold water was an alternative - such a lavish hostess me!

Regarding the lasagne - I'd go ahead as planned and offer a green salad alongside. As a visitor I'd be happy!
In principle we eat what is offered with thanks, though I did once have to do so with a rather fixed smile as a boyfriend's mother prepared her special liver casserole for our first meeting! As I am practically vegetarian by choice this was a bit of a test!.

Afraid I know very little about food intolerances, so I would be unable to plan in advance for a mixed gathering. I don't often host things except for family, but a friend who visits infrequently is always thrilled that we happen to drink Decaf Coffee!! Eldest daughter has several allergies and always brings her own items or simply does her best with what is on offer. She is fortunately happy to drink plain water if nothing else is suitable. But maybe that is how we brought her up!!

If hosting a gathering of folks I don't know well I would include a couple of vegetarian/gluten-free items which most people can enjoy anyway.

I don't see that as much different from my Son-in-law bringing his own favourite booze cos he is a fuss-pot and knows it, and avoiding too many dishes with cheese which the other Son-in-law can't stand.

But I have no real dislikes or intolerances so maybe I am just lucky.

I ask if any allergies/intolerance to food and drink so I can tailor a meal to cater for everyone.
A memory of many years ago; a guest was gluten intolerant so I made everything gluten free. Everyone said how great the food was. It's just a shame the guest I did this for didn't turn up despite replying to say he was coming.
I don't drink regular tea or coffee so take my own fruit/herbal teabags when I visit.
I would politely sit down to eat whatever you have cooked for me. Always open to trying anything, but I do always let the hostess know about the 2 foods I can't eat.

I would never ever ask for anything other than what the host is offering. If they give me and option then I always say I will have whatever they are having ( to make it easy for them ) I too was brought up to accept what is on offer BUT if someone is coming to my house I would offer a wide range of options, because as has been said everyone's likes differ. I like to please and make their time with me a nice one.

Its cheeky to ask for what the host is not offering.....

I always eat whatever I'm given as it's bad manners not to. We had a French student once staying with us who bought and cooked a whole salmon in a cream sauce as a thank you on his last day for dinner. I hate fish but ate it all and thanked him, saying it was lovely.

Totally agree AGAA4
Grateful for what you are given. I am actually lactose intolerant and while friends know this I don’t make a big deal of it and definitely wouldn’t at a big gathering
I do carry my own teabags but drink water if I forget
Having said that as a dietitian by trade I do consider an old friend who is an type one diabetic

I agree totally with the OP.
I personally have a long list of allergies and intolerances, so if I'm going to someone's home I'll check what they plan to serve and if I can't have that, then I'll either tell the host not to cater for me, and say I'll eat before/after my visit, I'll take something with me, or I'll duck out of the visit.
As for tea/coffee, for health reasons, I drink decaff coffee with a Stevia sweetener and cow's milk. I know full well that hardly anyone I would visit would keep the coffee and sweeteners things in their cupboard, so I keep a supply of both in my handbag, in order that I may partake of a cuppa.
I also don't go anywhere without a travel mug of my decaff coffee and one of those concentrated fruit squash pods in my handbag.

I have a very old aunt staying for Christmas. Before she came I asked if there were meals she liked and some she did not. “No” she said “I eat most everything, but I have a very small appetite “. So I set to to fill the freezer. Fish pie, cawl, asparagus quiche, four fish stew with fennel, moussaka. Etc.
Both her statements were wrong. She dislikes any fish, and refused the fish stew. Ate crackers and cheese instead. And she eats a lot. So I am having to revise all my planned meals.
It is very frustrating.

Of course you consider your guests preference, if you don’t know them well you ask prior to the planning, these days ask about allergies as well. Depending on numbers it’s not difficult to prepare an alternative, if there are too many variations needed it’s probably better to get together at a pub or restaurant.
I love cooking so does OH, we have a party on the 28th he is cooking because I’m working. An increasing number don’t entertain, they just don’t want the challenge of cooking.

I think this is a "times have changed" thing.
Long gone for many, is the, eat what you are given, mantra.
In whichever, and whatever, setting.

People will ask. It is up to you what you do about it.

I think some replies are to the title at the top of the thread, without reading the actual post.

This is not a social event. *Doodledog allowed a committee to use a room in her house for meetings. As a result, she found herself providing and making refreshments at EVERY MEETING. When people then requested more and more specific things, she felt she was doing too much.

As one who was once "tea convener" at a women's group, and ended up missing the interesting parts of many talks and demonstrations because I had to leave early for the kitchen to get the refreshments ready for everyone else, she has my sympathy.

Thank you Elegran!

I stepped away from the thread after a while, as it is exasperating when people don't read the thread, and I have clarified several times that this is not about dinner parties or house guests. The thread on MN was similar - the OP asked if she was being unreasonable to offer the lasagne (vegetarian to cater for non-meat eaters) and to resent friends telling her they'd prefer her to provide 'nibbles'. The replies were largely about what individual posters prefer to eat on Boxing Day, which was irrelevant to the question, and rather self-absorbed.

I don't understand why I have been called rude for not finding out what people want and providing it, when this the situation I described has nothing to do with social hospitality.

More generally, it is interesting to see how opinions differ about how far a host should go. If someone has allergies, I think it's up to them to make that clear when accepting an invitation that involves shopping and cooking, so the host hasn't wasted time and money on something they can't eat, but if they prefer biscuits to cake, or tea to coffee and their preferences are not offered, it is rude/entitled to assume that they have a right to ask for any refreshments in the house.

I also think that a good host will think ahead, and if they are hosting a social event such as a coffee morning will get in both tea and coffee and a a variety of snacks, but they should not be expected to get in unicorn milk and angel-kissed cloud cake on the offchance that someone will want it, particularly if the 'guests' are virtual strangers. FWIW, I always have a range of flavoured hot chocolate and several varieties of herbal/fruit teas, but that's because we drink them, not in case I offer coffee at a meeting and a man I hardly know fancies tea instead, but only if I have one with red fruits.

Before deciding on a menu for a dinner party, if the host doesn't know about dietary preferences/restrictions then it makes sense to ask, but having ruled out meat, dairy or specifically disliked foodstuffs they should be free to choose what to cook, and the guests should accept it gracefully.

None of the above applies to family and close friends. I know what they all like, and in any case my immediate family help themselves to anything they like (with my blessing). Close friends know they can ask for what they fancy, and if I have it I'll happily serve it up. I have one friend who 'likes a drink' and will sweep aside a suggestion of a hot drink at any hour of the day, and make straight for the wine rack or fridge to get a bottle of something. I don't mind, as I know that if I drank alcohol I could do the same at her house, and if I were saving the wine for something, or if it belonged specifically to Mr Dog I could tell her with no offence taken.

A lot comes down to the relationship between the host and the hosted, I suppose.

Good post Doodledog. I also dropped out of the discussion a while ago because we were going round in circles, with Doodledog repeatedly saying that this event was not a social event, where she would behave very differently, but it was in fact, a meeting, that she kindly hosts at her home because she lives near to where the actual event takes place, and that there is parking at that venue nearby. Posters continue to speak of ‘guests’ but these people are not guests, they are attending a meeting! And they are both rude and entitled when they ask for fruit teas, or biscuits or whatever they prefer. I’m a bit surprised that some posters appear to think that behaviour is acceptable.

Doodledog I think you nailed it with A lot comes down to the relationship between the host and the hosted, I suppose. That’s exactly it, I reckon.

I nearly spilt my coffee just now as I guffawed at your ‘unicorn milk’ comment. 🤣🤣

I have a small group meeting regularly at our house and most of them drink either tea or coffee, their choice. One of them never drinks anything except water and that is fine, I actually give her bottled water because our tap water tastes of chlorine. I think it is rude to demand different things and people should just keep quiet if they don’t want anything you are offering.

I wonder how long this thead will continue to run, with poster after poster telling us sternly what they would prepare for their guests at a social event, and ignoring the original post where it was explained that this was NOT a social event but a regular committee meeting. A meeting where, incidentally, every member is perfectly capable of bringing refreshments for all, let alone of bringing their own special flavour of tea, or their own oat milk.

Will Doodledog still be getting criticism for not being a perfect hostess to these "guests" in 2024? 2025?

Will Doodledog still be getting criticism for not being a perfect hostess to these "guests" in 2024? 2025?

😂😂 Probably. But the question is, will Doodledog care?

It's ironic that the people accusing me of being rude are the ones who wade into a discussion to give their two penn'orth without listening to the others on the thread🤷‍♂️. i always wonder if they do that in 'real life'.

I guess we are very lucky as there are no intolerances or allergies amongst our family members.

We always have appetisers of all types from which to select. The main course is always what it is. The 24th is always "fish, and shellfish" .. The 25th is always beef wellington by request! The 1st is our French tradition:
Gruyère & Kirch Brandy fondue
Filet Mignon fondue - cook at table to your likeness
Dessert - dark chocolate
fondue with sponge & fruits.

The 1st is usually a Shellfish Paella ..

The Epiphany - the 6th of January is always 3 stuffed Capons.

The 3 fondue French & Swiss tradition are 31st - New Year´s Eve.

Apologies, my error in typing.

Best wishes for a wonderful Christmas Season.

what I would do, and did when I had meetings in my house was to put a jug of water with fresh lemon,and glasses near the chairs and then tell everyone to help themselves to tea or coffee in the kitchen,, then I didn't miss any of the meeting,people had a drink to hand or could leave the meeting tomake a drink themselves.. either in the break or whenever..I also asked for help washing up!!

I apologise for not reading the entire thread but I definitely think guests should not dictate the menu. Especially if they want to remain friends.

I believe, as a guest you have a responsibility to keep your host happy.

I take orders in a café and have to laugh sometimes at the complicated requests.
Yesterday it was an oat decaf latte with gingerbread syrup and a chai latte, double shot, extra hot plus various gluten free and vegan cakes.