Widows and divorcees - and kindness

Very well and sensitively expressed Applegran .

My husband of 45 years died this past November 10th, 5 years after being diagnosed with a rare Lymphoma. It was a bit abrupt as he went from being all right on the Saturday to hospitalized Sunday and died early Friday. I was not expecting it then, nor was he, as he had experienced several setbacks during those 5 years, had periods in hospital and then at a rehabilitation center but then recovered and came home. Fortunately what he had was not excessively painful, but not curable and always fatal and death came gently as these things go. Our daughters were able to come in time.
Our friends were very supportive and I had a lovely visit with one couple and their children, who live one in Colorado, who recently married,and one in Fleet, UK who has married a Kings Guard and had an adorable son last year. We babysat them as children and took them to the zoo, theater, etc.. We spent the evening reminiscing about my husband. Another couple invited me for the Thanksgiving meal. Their daughter who considered us extra grandparents, and her husband were there from Washington D.C. and we all told stories about my husband.
I will be selling our large Edwardian Era house and finding a manageable apartment with elevators and in apartment laundry. Although my knees are sure to appreciate this, I am quite busy clearing out 45 years of accumulation. I am dreading Christmas as it was our favourite holiday and was closely followed by Roger's birthday on 4th January. He would have been 80 and we were planning a big party. We will be having a memorial service at Saint Stephen's followed by a reception. My husband donated his body to the Cancer Hospital connected to the local University so the funeral will take place much later after his ashes are returned. I suppose it is good to have so many things to do, and I am sure I will not be on my own for the Christmas season. The company of friends and neighbours as well as AC and grandchildren is a blessing.

Applegran, what a very good pośt, you can see from the replies how relevant it is. I've been divorced and widowed. I had friends that dissapoeared, only to want to reunite years later even circumstances change, but I did not want to. I was always grateful for those friends always there for me Now I have the pain of estrangement from my much loved daughter, after all she's done I wish I could stop loving her but I can't. However I love people, aways ready for a chat, everyone responds to a kind word or action, I might be the only person they speak to that day or they could be the only person I speak to. None of us know what has happened to some
one. Always be a little kinder than is necessary was my moms saying. I have got weary of all that is required managing everything on my own but there's nothing to be done but get on with it.

Celieanne86 we seem to have quite a lot in common. I am thinking about you. It is not easy.

May I just add my grateful thanks and good wishes to Goldieoldie for her kind and compassion message.

FindingNemo15

I don't think anyone has mentioned this. My DH is in a nursing home awaiting two operations. I feel so alone, coping with everything on my own and am shocked at so called friends who do not bother with me now.

I do not think the pandemic helped either. People got out of the habit of bothering.

I am not a great fan of Christmas, but this year and last year too will be very difficult.

Goldieoldie I am sending you good thoughts.

I understand as my beloved DH is also in a Nursing with advanced dementia. Yes I can visit him I can hold his hand I can kiss him but he has no idea who I am he is alive in body but that is all. We have been married for 63 years and I am on my own for the first time in my life. I left my parents home as a bride I had three children owned my own business was always frantically busy but was never alone. Now I am and it is as FindingNemo15 says when you go back to an empty house the grief hits and when those who you thought were your friends have disappears then you really are alone.

Applegran, You might be spot on - for some people, but certainly not for others. We are all different. I don't like the assumption that divorce, living alone or loss of a spouse is inevitably a painful, lonely time. I've been through both.

When I divorced my first husband, I was as happy as a lark, living alone - but not feeling lonely and lost, the way I felt when married to him. I think the loneliest place is being with the wrong person, so I felt as though a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Yes, he got the sympathy because I left, but I didn't need it. We remained friends and it wasn't a traumatic time.

When my second husband died, yes, the grief was horrendous, but felt along with a huge sense of relief that his suffering was over. My grief was personal, so I didn't want to talk about it. My dearest wish at that time was that people would carry on being their normal selves, not extra kind/sympathetic/comforting/understanding/considerate - just their true selves. When your world is upside down, the last thing you need is for friends and relatives to start behaving oddly. What you really crave is 'normal'.

I avoided them like the plague, the ones acting weird. I enjoyed, instead, the company of new friends that didn't know I'd just been widowed. Family can try to reclaim you, somehow - as if you've reverted back to a younger age - just when you're finding a new life and identity. I had no wish to spend extra time with those who'd completely misjudged how I was feeling - or projected their own reactions. It's just too much hard work, at a difficult time, coping with their feelings, their assumptions, embarrassment, uncertainty etc.

A thoughtful post and food for thought Applegran - thankyou.

Yes that is what my Gp said to me after my ex husband left us for someone else. after 19yrs At work I collapsed due to trying to do everything like he was still there for our sons I hadn’t realised how much weight I’d lost and when I went to the doctor he said your husband hasn’t died but you still have to go through the grief of losing him. A lot of friends also stopped calling don’t know if it was because they didn’t know what to say or through I might steal their husbands lol as I was told from one of them. But my ex the gf didn’t last long and he tried to come back but I said no and he’s gone on to marry and divorce 4 times since ours lol

I don't think anyone has mentioned this. My DH is in a nursing home awaiting two operations. I feel so alone, coping with everything on my own and am shocked at so called friends who do not bother with me now.

I do not think the pandemic helped either. People got out of the habit of bothering.

I am not a great fan of Christmas, but this year and last year too will be very difficult.

Goldieoldie I am sending you good thoughts.

It’s going to be my first Christmas as a widow. My husband although getting quite frail, died unexpectedly in late spring. My adult children live other side of globe. Alas for many reason cannot join them this time. Stopped going to shops as all are preparing for Christmas. Feeling so overwhelmed by the music and decorations and special food displays there. I am so very frightened.

Thank you Applegran for your thoughtful and kind words. Sometimes divorcees are forgotten about - the end of their marriages could be traumatic or a relief (which was my case since ex was mentally abusive and cruel).

Widows don’t have much choice - they either have time to prepare for loss or they have a sudden unexpected shock. A terrible cross to bear.

If you have supportive family and friends you have an emotional safety net in place, but for those who do not it’s a very lonely journey.

I hope adult children, extended family and friends remember those who are left out on a limb.

We can’t compare bereavement or divorce experiences semperfidelis. I was very lonely in my abusive marriage, which I told nobody about. My life began again when I finally got a divorce.

Bereavement is part of life whether we are widowed or divorced, or single. It does surprise me sometimes that so little thought is given to men and women who have remained single for whatever reasons: Not finding the right person, traumatic early experiences in childhood, preference for complete independence, commitment to elderly parents resulting in fewer opportunities to socialise, sexual preferences. The list is endless.

I don't really think we can directly compare bereavement experiences. The conversation shouldn't be so focused on the married and divorced.

I was divorced in 1985 after my husband had slept around for years. Nobody at the time knew how to deal with it. I have never felt so alone in my life. My 2 teenage daughters were the same. It was a very hard time for us.
.

Well said everyone. I have been on my own through divorce for many years and couples drop you. However I've found that now when some of them are alone due to partners dying they want to be friends again and join me for outings. I will stay with those who have supported me.

Thank you for this - so well put. I too am divorced after a traumatic break up and it took me years to recover. Some people were SO kind but I lost quite a few friends we'd known as a couple. Others dropped away as I couldn't afford expensive meals out and breaks away. But other people were just incredibly thoughtless with one woman telling me she didn't believe in divorce ie it could never happen to HER. Ten years later - it did...

Applegran. I have written on another thread about grief. People only think of grief in terms of death.

But like you said divorce you have to go through a grieving process. And feel the same things as a widow. Having to get used to making decisions on your own. Doing things on your own . Being single again . And it's just as hard for you as a widow. The only main difference is your ex husband is still alive.

But there are more sorts of grief

Estrangement is a living grief

Grief you feel over the death of a pet.

Grief for loss of health and mobility.

Having someone in the family with dementia or Alzheimer's you grieve for who they where. They have died but their body lives on.

You can even grieve over reduced income when you can no longer afford to do something.

The worst grief of all the death of a child or grandchild.

Grieve of not being to have children .

Grief over losing a body part.

Others will beable to think of more forms if grief than me.

I have experience of some of those griefs .

And you may have experience what I did when I was widowed. That woman became very protective of their husbands if they offered to help you eg DIY.

I found some woman think because you are widowed or divorced you are on the prowl for a replacement. Going through either of those things is hard enough without being treated like a husband stealer.

I am glad you wrote that heartfelt post . I am sure it will help other woman who are divorced or going through a divorce. They will realise all the things they are feeling is normal and they can get through it . And have a happy life again .

Great and true post - Thankyou 🙏

Very true. Thank you.

I divorced many years ago and was separated for a few years before getting divorced. In the first few years of separation my in-laws continued to invite me and my children for boxing day as I spent Christmas day at home with my children and my ex was with his new partner. Then one year, after being invited by MiL I was told I was uninvited as ex's new partner thought it was inappropriate for me to be there. It was odd as she was not going to be there herself as she was visiting her own family alone. I concluded that actually my ex didn't want me there but put the blame on her, or maybe she was insecure and didn't want him spending a day with me!
As it was going to be my first boxing day alone I wasn't looking forward to it but very quickly two families from my church invited me to spend the day with them - so I had to choose which invitation to accept. Since then I have got used to spending time alone but that first time it was good to be invited. I'm very fortunate to have 2 adult children who include me in their Christmas plans and I've only once had to spend Christmas completely alone which was during the pandemic when DS and family were living abroad and DD was living in Scotland which was too far to travel for the only day we were allowed. At least we were all able to zoom and be in touch. I do admit to shedding a few tears when I realised I couldn't go to DD as planned but I realised many people were suffering much more at the time and soon got over it.

Thank you Applegran for your kind and thoughtful post.
Grief after a divorce is very real especially after a long marriage. Also divorcees are more likely to have financial worries and often lose their home as well as their partner.

Very true
Well done for reminding us all that a little kindness goes a long way 🙏💗🙏

Many thanks for this kind and thoughtful thread Applegran

Thank you so much. I have felt this for years and never had the courage to say anything.