Social query

When my partner died all his friends said they’d keep in touch. I never even got a Christmas card, haven’t seen or heard from any of them since ! Not a great loss really … but still. Hmm.

Very thoughtful of you Aveline to seek the opinion of grans who have sadly been in your friend’s position.
Gransnet teaches us so much about walking in others shoes.
Your friend is lucky to have you.
Enjoy your evening.

'Now I'm on my own, all our friends seem embarrassed to know me and the invitations have completely dried up! What can i do?'

Are you REALLY suggesting you freeze out this friend, just because she's lost her husband?

I don’t think for one moment that Aveline suggested ‘freezing’ out her friend. She merely sought advice on how best to handle a sensitive and sad situation from those who know.

ExaltedWombat please read Aveline's post again in order to understand what she meant regarding her widowed friend. There is absolutely no indication of 'freezing out' her friend. Quite the opposite.

Please still ask her round. You can raise a glass to her late husband.
I have a friend who
Had a great social life with her husband and many friends. The invites quickly dried up
When he died and it really hurt her so much

I've already said what I've planned to do. It will have to be during the actual Christmas break because she has absolutely flung herself into a flurry of new classes and activities. Possibly too many but that's not for me to say. Apart from asking her round to ours there's a possibility of a group of us ladies getting together for a posh afternoon tea. We've done this in the past and are hoping she can fit us in! She's a lovely lady, very artistic and involved in all sorts of classes and clubs some of which she runs.
The input from Grans has been invaluable (as ever!)

We have a basket of spa slipper ( very cheap on eBay) and regular visitors use a marker pen to write their name on them for future visits. One visits can take them home!

Please ask her and give her the option of attending or not. Even if she decides not to come it will make her feel that she’s still part of your social circle. When DH died eighteen months ago, our neighbour group still included me in invitations to little get togethers. It’s all about feeling wanted.

I've already said that of course we're inviting her.

I am in the same boat as your friend, having lost my
Husband in July and am the first of all my friends to be widowed. I was recently invited to dinner with his golf friends and their wives as we had done in the past. I found it a bit hard, but was so glad they had still included me. I think inviting her and asking if she would like you to invite others too, or to be just the three of you, is the way to go.

eazybee

It isn't just bereaved wives, it is divorcees too who are suddenly disinvited form social events with people they have known from schooldays.
Very hurtful.

You're so right eazybee and Bluebelle.

A lovely gesture Aveline and invite a mutual friend (or two) just in case someone can't come at the last minute.

Aveline - especial thanks for your post at 13.45. That gives us an impression of your friend and how well you know and like her.
I’m another who was newly widowed last Christmas. We had been in a book group together for 25 years. Mr i always did a quiz as part of our very happy Christmas get together. I was persuaded to go by the group members who suggested one of my daughters acted as companion and driver. Many of our book club had known her for all of her 37 years.
It was another of those significant milestones - I even enjoyed myself. It was so good to feel friends had thought carefully about me at such a tough time in this emotional Christmas time

I am not a widow or a divorcee but I am in limbo as my beloved DH is in a nursing home with advanced dementia. He was a very successful business man until his illness and we had a wide and varied group of friends and he was respected or so I thought.When he first went in the home he had flowers and chocolates and offers of visits but now two and a half years have passed and he has been totally forgotten and so have I. All these so called friends have disappeared I have not had an invitation from any one and I was very involved with them yea it hurts very much and when I visit DH he asks where I’ve been and who I’ve seen and I lie, even my children have forgotten me. Dear Aveline I feel sure your kindness in asking your friend to join you will be greatly appreciated I wish I had a friend like you ❤️

Celienne86, sending love. My husband died within 6 months of a devastating unexpected stage 4 diagnosis. I have A friend whose husband is still at home but we all wonder how long it will be before residential care is needed. Her daughter has been friends with mine since they were 3, they’ry now heading for 40. Of course we have been devastated by our loss but we often remind ourselves of the long, slow, painful loss our friends are living with.
Your post has promoted me to contact her.

Please please invite her. Although not widowed i was a divorcee on a military camp, the moment we seperated i was treated like i no longer existed, it was so hurtful to be forgotten by people you had spent a lot of time with.

Just ask what she would prefer,I have two newly widowed friends ,one just wants to stay at home this year...without her daughters .The other is heading of to stay with her only GD for the week .The offer of Christmas with us was made to both ,has to be their choice .

Well done Aveline even if she decides not to come on this occasion, she knows you are thinking about her.

My DH died last year and for Christmas I was invited to events we had usually attended as a couple plus a few others as I was on my own. Invite your friend, bearing in mind she may not be ready for doing "the usual" Christmas events. If she refuses your invite express your understanding that this year will not be the same for her and you and your husband too.

Celieanne86 your post has brought tears to my eyes, I'm so sorry people who ought to know better have abandoned you.

Unfortunately some people seem to think any bad news is catching.
Not in the same league I know, but when my husband lost his job and we were in really dire straits one Christmas we didn't see some "good friends" for dust.
It was huge shock to be dropped so quickly 🙁
I always try not to do the same to other people, whatever the cause of their circumstances.

By all means extend an invitation. She will let you know if she is up to it. But something tells me she would love to be with you.

Tell her you’d like to invite a mutual friend (one who is totally aware of her situation.) She will tell you if she is up to that. Something tells me she would not want to be alone this Christmas time.

So very kind of you. That’s what friends are for.
USA Gundy

Celieann86 I hear your lament. All too often these past friends just evaporate out of our lives when confronted with sad and overwhelming situations. It was an emotional read.

But when you said even your children have not thought of you, it just boggles my mind! I don’t understand these things sometimes.

You may appear to your children as a very strong role model with things under control. That might give them an impression opposite of how you feel - and (even adult) kids being kids find the flimsiest excuses for not supporting and participating. Inexcusable.

I think you should just tell them you miss them and want to see them and be a part of their holiday season - and every week or two! Don’t hold back. They need to know the burden you carry.
USA Gundy

Hopefully you do the right thing and hopefully she'll accept or offer and appreciate your kindness.

Aveline, what a good friend you are, and you also have the patience of a saint to have dealt so calmly with the people on here who have jumped in so unfairly to criticise without reading your posts properly. Whatever the outcome, I’m sure your friend will appreciate your thoughtfulness. How sad that not everyone has loyal and caring people like you around them.

These posts have certainly been food for thought. Thanks Aveline
Celieanne's post is particularly poignant.

When DH died there was a flurry of kind messages but when things settle to a routine, inevitably the majority go back to how it was. There are still 2 of his many friends who include me so I am not complaining and I have a busy life and lovely DC .
However I now suspect that there are others who I have "dropped" since their circumstances have changed, excusing myself by thinking that their families and closer friends will look out for them.

Christmas comes for a reason. Time to reach out.