Should I just scatter the ashes anyway?

When my MIL died my ex wanted to scatter her ashes at a nearby country park. I was horrified at the thought of them being scattered all over the place (we used to take the children there all the time) but the vicar agreed to the casket being buried in the estate churchyard. My FIL’s ashes were then buried with hers. But it’s always bothered me because it isn’t a place that I associate with them. They were Brummies born and bred, through and through, and imo they should be in Brum where they belong. When my mum died it was really important to me that her casket was put into the family grave: my dad’s ashes were scattered above it as I didn’t have permission to put them in the grave ( although they nearly ended up in the car park as the person officiating at it had her dog with her and he knocked the casket over: thankfully it was sealed). Mum was with her mum and her sister. It was actually a second hand grave and it turned out that many people were in the same grave, but it did, at least, have our family name on it.

I didn’t say but will add, go ahead Witzend and scatter the ashes wherever you think appropriate.

My father requested to be buried with his mother. But he died at a time of a long midwinter freeze up and that grave was at other end of UK. So he was cremated and the ashes in nice oak mini casket were placed with his mother 6 mths later and when family members from distant shores could gather. My mother surprised us all with a request to be put into the sea. This was done with the aid of a cardboard 'cushion' with the ashes enclosed in biodegradable bad inside. We booked a local ferryman to take us to the requested beach and so it was done. Again even with covid a decent amount of farflung family members were able to gather. My brother requested he go into the sea also but his widow has put the empty urn in a local graveyard with a small inscribed stone marker over it.

What about something different? This link gives lots of other options of what to do with ashes.
www.purecremation.co.uk/blog/what-to-do-with-ashes

My cousin bought a potted rose and put her ashes in the pot. She said if she moves he'll come with her. Might be nice to do a matching pair?

My Mum and Dad are both in my sister's and my gardens, doing the roses a world of good. A bit of my Dad is on Sheffield Wednesday football pitch, my brother snuck up with a matchbox full of ashes.

My partner's ashes were put into a metal container and given to my step-daughter (he died in France). Not having decided what to do with them, she put "him" on the sitting-room mantle shelf for the time being. Some time later, her house was burgled and we found the empty container in the middle of the carpet. No ashes to be found anywhere. We decided the thieves must have thought the contents were something valuable (or illegal) and taken them with them! Whether my partner would have found it funny or been very upset, we couldn't decide.

My parents ashes are in our local churchyard, a plot we had allocated 50 years ago when my father passed away. It’s where he wanted to be and there was a place in the same plot when she passed away in 2008. I am able to put flowers there for birthdays, anniversary’s, Easter and Christmas or any other time.

I can't see that one lot of ashes will matter. We ALL pollute all over the place. My ex husband's ashes blew into my mouth - so what? I would get on with what makes you feel best and good luck to you

I used to volunteer to garden in a public park. It was a lovely place and a favourite with older folk who could come and sit. Shrubs and bushes and plants of all types. So it was also a favourite place to quietly tip out your relatives ashes. Most unpleasant when gardening to find a pile of ash! It was not allowed. Crematoria have rose gardens but they stopped scattering ashes there due to the bad effect on the plants. You can now have a cremation with no service and the grounds people will dispose of the ashes. Perhaps we should be thinking more carefully about the disposal of our bodies in terms of the environment. I want a natural burial or composting.

The charity scattering ashes states that royal parks simply "prefer that you don't", they can't ban it though because it's impossible to police.

The woodland trust offer advice as to how to scatter ashes, and it looks simple and straightforward as the OP implied they wanted to do.

Most historic and cultural sites agree that it's ok, but spread thinly, privately and bring considerate of flowers etc.

OP, I'd say your peace of mind is really important, and most sites are accepting of the fact it happens and simply ask you to be thoughtful, which you said you would be doing.

Hope it marks the end of a frustrating time for you

Two pieces of advice fro someone "in the trade" Tell your siblings you are going to do it before you do Wear disposable gloves to scatter the ashes and make sure the wind is at your back

Witzend, you should do what you want to.

Can I please echo the advice about make sure the wind is at your back, having had an interesting experience on a boat with ashes, the sea and a strong wind!

My sister had my mum and dad’s ashes and we agreed that they should be interred together because they had been married for 68 years and were very much in love. She asked for permission to lift a piece of turf up on another family member’s grave and, this was agreed for a small fee. She and her husband removed some turf and tipped the ashes in side by side. They then returned the turf and watered the grass to bed it back down. Now whenever she goes to lay flowers on the grave, she lays two roses on the place where the turf was lifted.

Do what feels right for you. Ignore any negative comments on here.

We had a similar problem with my mum’s ashes. Originally my DS had them while worked out what to do with them. Then she died suddenly, so now they’re with her daughter. They have more meaning to some people than others. If no one else has any wishes for them, I would choose what to do with them yourself.

You are probably not alone in this decision, be discreet and do what you think is right. I had a friend who was about to get engaged to the local vicar after he was widowed, unfortunately he had never managed to get his sons together and find time to scatter his wife's ashes. Needless to say there was no engagement until the job was completed. Get things finished and move on in life.

My mother wrote in her will that she wanted her ashes put in her parents grave. By the time we had a copy of the will we had scattered her ashes in a place she enjoyed going to. Too late to do anything about it.

I have heard that some undertakers don’t bother to separate different peoples ashes anyway.

I’ve paid for my body to be collected and cremated and my ashes to be put in the crematoriums garden of remembrance.
I feel that my being dead will be easier for my children and descendants to accept at the time, if they are not lumbered with having to dispose of what remains of my dead body

Witzend, I think what you're suggesting is exactly what you should do and disregard the naysayers.
I have my DH's ashes at home and have told DS that when I go I want our ashes to go together either scattered or buried. I prefer the idea of scattering as it avoids the element of a place to go to leave tributes etc which after a while can get neglected.
DS has been to an ashes scattering and said it descended into an almost comical situation so he's not too keen on that.

My father worked in the treasurers department at our local borough council. He was there when the crematorium was built and was told at that time that they kept the bodies for cremation until there was a full load for the furnace so you wouldn't get your own loved one's ashes but a mixture of a few people. I get the impression that may be different now - I'm not an expert - but, knowing what he told us, when my dad died in 1975 we didn't take his ashes, they were scattered in the garden of remembrance. When my mum died in 2011 we asked for hers to be scattered in the same place. They asked when he'd died and said he would be in the summer garden, so although mum died in the winter she was scattered in the summer garden too.
I know my DD was unsure about cremation as opposed to burial, and never knew her granddad, but knowing their ashes were going to the same place seemed to make her feel better about it. Personally I don't feel any particular attachment to ashes and don't really care where mine end up. The essential me will be in another place!

Take them to their favourite place and scatter them there

Assuming Witzend posted what she did because she is a little unsure of what she is thinking of doing.

We paid to bury the ashes of my parents somewhere they had loved to visit together, and for a small stone to go over. It gives a sense of place for us, takes up very little space and (as the Vicar said) the funds help keep a struggling church going.

Both my in-laws were 'scattered' (one legally, the other not) and DH regrets that decision.

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