Not knowing when to give up.

Are you serious, I have spent loads on my gorgeous African grey because he is worth every penny. He is almost human! How dare you comment on what a person spends on their pet.

With driving it is a safety issue. Maybe your friend could attend a tuneless choir. They do have them, but if you have made alot of effort at something it is hard to give it up. I have written 3 novels, been writing since I was 10, but CANNOT give up as I want to be published before I shuffle off this mortal coil. You could have a word with the choir master yourself. As for the cat well pets are more loyal than people

Yammy I hope my family would tell me when it is time to give something up. My DDs do with fashion and makeup.

Our daughters advise on nothing except fashion - we listen. 'Gran-look' is hopefully years away.

Overthemoongran Do you think its the company rather than the walk she enjoys? Maybe you could all arrange to meet for a coffee or a drink after and suggest she joins you then?

I belong to a walking group, one of our members really can’t manage the walks anymore but won’t stop, so we all have to walk slowly and each week one of us have to turn back half way to accompany this lady back to the start. None of us like to say anything because she loves coming, but it’s not the walking experience we want.

My father honestly thought he was a safe driver - he wasn’t - & refused to give up. The GP kept passing him as medically fit to drive. In the end I managed to get him to take an assessment- the poor assessor stopped the test half way through and took away Dad’s license. The rest of the family thought I’d been cruel but who would have had to explain the reason for the fatal accident which was just waiting to happen?

My advice is the same as most others on here. Stay out of what others want to do unless you are very close with the people or you will loose friends.

I had a similar situation with a friend/colleague, who had a very elderly dog. He could barely walk, he was constantly at the vets, who, I think, suggested it was time to say goodbye. But she wouldn't /couldn't. I could not avoid the feeling she was keeping him alive for her, but never said so. Should I have? 🤔 I genuinely felt it was being cruel keeping him alive, when he had no quality of life, but no, I never said so. Was I wrong? 🤔 I still don't know. She did have to have him pts eventually, but the poor animal suffered far longer than he should, IMHO. 😢

There are many choirs now for people who are not “singers”. They are extremely popular, helped by Gareth Malone.
It’s so enjoyable singing with a group of people and there is no excuse to give up completely, just make a compromise.

I hope my family would tell me when it is time to give something up.
My DDs do with fashion and makeup,DH when I am worried about coping with visitors....no the sheets never got ironed just the pillowcases.
I know my cooking is not what it was and I can no longer multitask as I could.
I also encourage friends if and when they ask if is it time for them to stop something. Ask being the focus word.

Cabbie 21 - maybe it's time for you to give up being so internally judgmental of others. It's not actually any of your business what a friend does with her money, maybe she gets more pleasure out of her cat's company than she does out of her friends'; nor is it any of your business if there's someone singing out of tune in your choir - if you feel so strongly about it maybe you leave the choir and go to one that requires an audition; and as for the driving - well, who's to say that your evaluation of someone's capacity to drive is correct? In that particular case maybe you ask if when you're a passenger that person drives a little slower but clothe that request in something like you're becoming motion sick in your later years so your comment about the driving comes gently.

Thank goodness we are all so wonderfully different... respect that..

I should make it clear that this wasn’t recently. I stopped singing in my fifties. I’m 82 now.

Cabbie21

The issue with choral singing, depending on the type pf music, is that a voice which is “ off” can spoil the performance, eg unable to reach the top notes, and instead of just miming that bit, they sing flat or nowhere near the note. It is different from something you do for your own pleasure, like painting.

I’ve only been in auditioned choirs, so there was no chance of outstaying my welcome. Even so, I left before the last audition, because I thought it better for my morale to go before I was pushed! I felt my singing was going off.

If it is a choir and the quality of your singing matters then the choir leader will regularly re-audition people. If they do not then they are happy for members to continue, even after their voices and singing deteriorates, so your friend remains entitles to be in the choir. If you do not like her singing, stand next to someone else.

Nothing leads to old age and decrepitude faster than people deciding to give up things because, essentially, becaus or they cannot be bothered and they think that as they are getting older, it is too much effort.

I am doing everything to keep myself doing everything I always did and still enjoy, actually increasing my involvement in some activities. My father lived an active life until he died after a short illness at the age of 92. He was still actively involved in three village groups, on the committees of all. I aim to emulate him.

I think you have answered your own questions you have an opinion voice it I wouldn’t hesitate.

Dottydots

I told myself to give up driving. I would like to tell my man friend to stop blowing his nose and sniffing so loudly!

Do it!

FannyCornforth

Hello
I think that you are muddying the main issue of yourself with your friends’ issues.
Your title is ‘when to give up?’ and then you echo this question at the end of your post.
What exactly is it that is worrying you about yourself?
What is that you think that you might have to ‘give up’?

Don’t say anything to the cat owner. She knows, she’ll come to her decision when she is ready.
Re your choir friend. I don’t even know how you would tackle this!
Leave it to the leader of the choir, it’s their role to deal with it.

👏🏻👏🏻

I would specifically ask family and friends for honest info about myself if I was thinking a bit like you.

The friends thing is difficult.
The cat isn't worth discussion to be honest but maybe look about for less demanding choirs and give them a go yourself.

I am no singer (by any means) but I do notice my voice is not so good now - it's lost strength and some inflection is less "pleasing" and though I do vocal exercises there are times when I'm saddened by the "old person" timbre. 🙁

I think it's best to be tactful, perhaps your friends will eventually realise themselves that it's time to give up without you hurting their feelings.

There's a theory called 'sunk costs' when you've spent so much (either time, effort or money) on something that you feel that you shouldn't give up, but I think that most of us reach a point when we can see that it's throwing good money, etc after bad.

I told myself to give up driving. I would like to tell my man friend to stop blowing his nose and sniffing so loudly!

Apart from safety, the other issues aren't mine to discuss. I'm quite sure nobody wants any opinions when they haven't asked.

Other than GN, I give opinions freely to total strangers.

Public safety, and if you believe the person will do themselves or others harm.

If its a choir or similar, it's up to the choir leader. they won't have missed it. All about context, whether its in terms of public performances or a choir for enjoyment of its members.

Much more difficult with family members who you realise are making their own lives difficult, or their family's lives.
there is a time for intervention, and a time for letting them struggle even if you see there is much that could make their lives better. Offer information/suggestions but accept they may not be taken up.

I had a very close elderly friend wh expressed suicidal feelings to me several times. I did contact her GP, who happens to be my GP, as I felt this was verging on the possibly of self harm and I was not prepared to listen and not act. She was prescribed medication then didn't take it. Eventually the GP said to me - after trying, you have to let it go.
(BTW, she is OK now - the right combination of family support and drugs came through in the end)

Let people do the things that bring them joy and be happy for them.

Whether that is singing out of tune at the top of their voice or loving a bundle of fur that they think loves them back rather than seeing them as a food source and an occasional warm pillow.

I jest, I have too many cats and they are all the boss of me.

When it comes to public safety yes, your hand may be forced but you don't have to be the one to tell them, I think you can simply report it

Yes, nadateturbe, and it would be a double whammy, it coming from one’s friend.
I can imagine being distraught in similar circumstances