Mother in laws care responsibilities

Your mil clearly needs more care than you, dh, and her daughter and partner can provide

Dementia is a complex medical condition and unless you are trained to care for individual with it, you could be doing the patient a diservice.

Her daughter and partner are not interested in getting involved at the same level of care that you are doing - and it is 1000000% ok

They are not forced to do so, it is not their responsibility

Your sil and husband do care about mil - not in the way you would prefer though

Please do not talk to her - it won't end well as you think she is not stepping up enough

Start arranging more residential care for your mil

I do feel for you, however, if they do not want to do more they will not.

Could your mother in law have respite care so that you can have a break or arrange for more carers?

eazybee

You can try, but I doubt if you will get any help as the daughter obviously feels no guilt about neglecting her mother.
When I was a child our next door neighbour had her mother and mother in law living with her; her sister took their mother for one week a year, and I well remember her returning home with said mother halfway through the week, literally bundling her out of the car and on to the doorstep, saying loudly to her sister 'I simply can't cope with her so I have brought her back.' and driving away. Nothing they said or did made any difference, and this poor neighbour looked after both mothers all her life until they died. There are many adult children (my uncle was one) who simply refuse to share responsibility for their parents.
You should investigate the possibility of your mother in law going into a Nursing Home. Will this impact financially on your sister-in law?

I have to comment on this thoughtless and insulting post.

You have no idea how the SIL feels about the mother. She's not neglecting her. Sharing responsibility does not mean devoting your own life to catering to your parent's every need. You have no idea how she feels when she drives 150 miles back to her own home. You clearly also have no idea how it feels to have an adult with dementia demanding your attention 24 hours a day.

I hope that the OP gets a solution that works for her.

Sending fiorentina.

Glad you got your dream holiday.

It sounds like your sister in law does not want any hands on involvement with her Mother's care Phillips and I think you need to accept this. Talk to them about helping to defray the cost of extra carers or looking for residential care.

You can try, but I doubt if you will get any help as the daughter obviously feels no guilt about neglecting her mother.
When I was a child our next door neighbour had her mother and mother in law living with her; her sister took their mother for one week a year, and I well remember her returning home with said mother halfway through the week, literally bundling her out of the car and on to the doorstep, saying loudly to her sister 'I simply can't cope with her so I have brought her back.' and driving away. Nothing they said or did made any difference, and this poor neighbour looked after both mothers all her life until they died. There are many adult children (my uncle was one) who simply refuse to share responsibility for their parents.
You should investigate the possibility of your mother in law going into a Nursing Home. Will this impact financially on your sister-in law?

I have been in that same situation with my mum MIL and auntie it’s such hard work mentally and physically draining.

I lived ten minutes walk away so it was always me helping 24/7 when my mum had falls. She ended up in a home around the corner from her house. I got to see her most days but it was emotionally difficult as she had dementia.

My auntie and MIL both ended up at different times in palliative care homes I looked after them until then.

I strongly advise you to seek advice from Age Concern and the Social Services. Your MIL needs to go into a care home it’s too much for you. It’s high time you got help but well done for what you have done so far?

Perhaps you could call a family meeting.

Then, don't ask for any help, but lay out clearly what you can no longer do, and ask what you can all do to find this type of care.

I would definitely involve Social Care at ghis point.
I expect they have a waiting list for assessments but start that ball rolling.
Tell them you are desperate for a break and have to get away.

Why not ask them what would happen if you just went away and had nothing in place? Would they sort something on an emergency basis?
Will they help you arrange a home for your mother in law for a couple of weeks?

Fingers crossed.

You said your sister in law lives 150 miles away. I assume she is about the same age as your OH. So, 150 miles is a long way to travel anyway. Why doesn’t your OH speak to his sister about their mother?

Could her home be sold to provide for her care?

Oh and one thing I realised early on, is that not everybody feels that it is their place to help regardless of their relationship. You also have to be explicit as to what you want others to do. If they choose not to do it, at least you know where you stand.

I have been here and finally could take no more so my mother went into a Nursing home where she is well cared for and I can breathe again. However, before we got to this stage, we had other moments where we felt this way so I called Social Services for a Carer's Assessment. It was the best thing we ever did. The Social Worker found a respite home to give us a break which gave us the energy to carry on for another year. We had to pay for the home but at least we got a breather. The SW also helped us come to a decision as to what the future would look like so when Mum had to go into a home for all of our sakes, we had had time to accept that. He also arranged for a CHC assessment. The only think we refused was a Financial Assessment. Once you show you have assets, you virtually have no chance of CHC funding.

Your mother in law needs to be in a care home where she can be looked and you can simply visit her.

I would concentrate more on getting some more help in place through other channels.

You may not get anywhere with approaching the daughter.

If she isn't that interested in helping her mother at this point, she won't step up and offer more help. You can't make someone do that because you think she should. I'm not saying you're wrong, but that's the likelihood. Perhaps broach the idea of respite care to give you a rest but with your mil, not her daughter. You could tell her you are going on holiday and what help can she offer while you are away.

my Mother used to go to respite care at a local care home, when I wanted to go on holiday it had to be booked well in advance and she did contribute towards her stay. We obtained it via social services and it really helped . If your MiL has carers in I am sure they would know if it happens with other people they care for. You can contact Social services and ask.

Also be prepared for the possibility that, quite simply, she doesn't want to be involved in caring for her mother, and would do little, even if you two did not exist.

It may be time to consider getting your MiL into very sheltered housing or into a care home, which might well be what the daughter would do if the only one rsponsible.

A word of warning: If you do press the daughter for more involvement, be prepared that she might have very different ideas from you and your DH about what should be done - she might think that her mother should be moved into a care home.

My late husband and I were in the same situation a few years ago. My unmarried aunt depended on me and DH totally. She insisted on staying in her own home and was reluctant to have carers of any kind.
Our lives revolved around her and there was little thanks for what we did.
In the end we had to put ourselves first. I was in my late 60s and my husband was 70.
We planned short breaks and holidays and organised appointments around them.
Family members were on call and I drew up a list of meds and other useful information for them.

I would suggest you do something similar. Inform your SIL that you are going away for a week. Send her all she needs to know regarding carers, appointments, etc. Also give her contact details to the carers.
Stock MIL up with what she needs then go away.

I'm so glad we did it. My aunt survived and we had much needed respite.
We had 8 years of our retirement taken up with these responsibilities and had to put a lot of our plans on hold.
When my aunt finally went into care in late 2019, we could have the dream holiday we always wanted in early 2020.
My husband died suddenly in March of this year.
You never know what's around the corner. Make time for yourselves.

You are a lovely and admirable daughter in law.

It's possible the other couple feel inadequate to be of any help.
Can you ask them to do some specific task such as a regular and reasonably frequent visit during which they will undertake such tasks as you deem they are capable of?

You will know how efficient they , or she is. Maybe she can do a deep clean of the old lady's house. Maybe ask her to ring every day at the same time.

When you want them to take over total control when you are away on holiday it seems to me you will need to leave your forwarding address as the daughter may not be up to the task, or feels she is not good enough.

In order to work together you will need to keep it all peaceful. You could begin in a light-- hearted manner asking if she feels a little unable to help. Then you could improve her self confidence by praise and hands on opportunities.

We looked after my mum when she had dementia. There comes a time when you need to look after yourselves.

We found a residential home (by recommendation) and they gave her a trial. She was no trouble to them so they took her in even though she had dementia.

We sold her house to pay for her care. She eventually forgot that she had agreed to go into the home and would ask when she was going home. I would ask her if the doctor had said that she could go and she didn't know (there was no doctor!)

I would then ask if she had her key safe and there would be a long, slow search, she would find it and then I would say 'that's good, you'll be ok then'.

Like you say no spring chickens yourselves ... saying that when anything happens first there ! Could you not arrange respite care so you & your hubby can go on holiday , or just a week or so free time for yourselves ? Then send her a message to let her know ... if she is nasty just ignor her ... you & your hubby need to think of your own health & own family ... God bless