Can my Mother do this to my Dads headstone.

Oh my goodness how devastating for you. That’s so cruel, I’m not surprised you are heartbroken I would be too, I’m just lost for words! Was the headstone bought by your mother alone? Without speaking to her I don’t even know how this could be sorted, but I can understand why you don’t want to speak to her, but to do something like that she must be so angry about what has caused you to not speak to her in the first place, but to go that far to paint your name off beggars belief!

If your mum is the Registered Grave Owner she can make changes so there's probably nothing you can do sammy.

"He was and is my dad" and whether or not your name is on his Headstone, that will never change .

I am so sorry you have gone through this and I suspect that this shows the type of person who you would go NC with.
Sadly, unless you paid for the stone/plot, it is unlikely you could actually get her to remove the paint but the Cemetery could advise you whether the stone would be within the rules. However, if she has money, presumably she could just replace the stone altogether to comply with the rules. Personally, I'd wait until she was no longer around and take the paint of then!

Your mother can only continue to hurt you if you allow yourself to be hurt. Nothing she does can take away the love you and your father felt about each other nor can she take away your memories. Is there another way you can pay homage to your Dad? Even though your name is masked, it is still there so take comforts from that. Are there other members of the family who can perhaps ask her not to desecrate the headstone because it upsets them? I suspect though she'd probably fall out with them too.

I am afraid there are just some people in the world who cannot see past their own hurt and lash out viciously. It says more about her than you and you have the memories of a Dad who loved you and a Dad who owned you even though he was unable to see you. Hold on to the positives rather than the negatives and you will be so much happier.

That is a horrible thing to do and I'm not surprised you don't speak to your mother. She sounds very bitter.
My mother also speaks nastily about my biological father and more now she has short term memory loss and many times recounts her earlier life. I know now who he was and that he had children with his wife. They are both deceased. I feel sad/angry that I was not given the opportunity to seek him out while he was alive. I feel so sorry for you sammy15 but I don't know what you can do. Try removing the paint maybe? Speak to who runs the cemetery ?

If it is paint, it is probably breaking the cemetery regulations, so you could report it, but as has been said above, your mother could probably afford to replace the stone.
It must be heart- breaking.

You've got your memories...I would stay away from the grave....don't upset yourself

What a horrible, horrible thing to do! I feel for you. I have no advice, and as Smiles said, there is probably nothing you can do , since she probably owns the ‘plot’. Just remember
nothing can take away the love you and your Dad shared.
I am so glad that you are close to your half siblings. You have discovered your family, and I wish you a lot of love and happiness, going forward

A truly dreadful thing to do, but, like others, I can see nothing you can do to resolve this issue at the moment.

I think all you can do now is think and plan the re-instatement of your name after your mother's death.

You need to do this in a way that does not alert your mother to your grief or plans, so that she replaces the stone or does anything irrevocable.

So for now, come onto GN as often as you like to share your grief, you know we understand. Give no indication to anyone, least of all, anyone who may report back to your mother, about your upset, or, most of all, your desire to reinstate your name on the stone. Do not visit the grave.

Then, the moment you hear that your mother has died, get straight round there with a bottle of paint stripper and lots of flowers.

Your father knew how much you loved him, and how much he loved you. That will never die.

Absolutely dreadful thing to do but in no way takes away from your Dad's love for you. I am sure he would be shocked.
Could you set up your own little memory place for your dad like planting a special rose bush in your garden. Seek out a name that expresses your love. Keep it watered and tended in his honour. Make it your quiet spot.

I am so sorry about this sad situation.
I agree that there is little you can do about the headstone but you could honour him in your own way. You could dedicate a bench somewhere nice or plant a tree for him.
I would avoid getting embroiled in a tug of love over a stone. It can only bring more hurt.

Could you arrange with the church there to place a separate engraved stone, (the type that lie flat, flush with the earth) elsewhere in the graveyard among similar marked spots?

That’s very very upsetting and very cruel of your mother
Long term your mum won’t live for ever perhaps you can change it then, in the meantime if your mum has just painted over maybe report it to the cemetery that it’s been vandalised
Otherwise I thing it’s really good advice already given to plant a tree or flower We have lots of seats on our seafront and in parks dedicated to people

I just tried to look up the woodland trust, as you can do various things such as buy a tiny piece of land, donate a tree, or add to their groves.

My phone won't let me use the site, though.

In the meantime, your mother has merely covered over the fact that you are engraved on the stone, as you were on your dad's heart.

I don't know why a name of someone alive should be on a gravestone, or am I misunderstanding.

If you haven't got one already have a lovely photo done of your dad at home on a shelf that you will see daily put the flowers that you would take to the cemetery by that, bide your time as when your mother dies hopefully you will be able to sort out the wording on the headstone. Your dad lives on in your head and heart not a plot of land . Remember him, celebrate the good memories you have. Do something that reminds you of him on his birthday and Anniversary but above all else don't let her make you bitter and twisted like she is.

lemsip

I don't know why a name of someone alive should be on a gravestone, or am I misunderstanding.

Some say "Loving husband and father to".

Terribly cruel and hurtful

I agree with others about trying to live with it and possibly plant a tree or have a plaque made.

I really feel for you.

I'm so sorry she did that.

Is there a park or public space he liked to visit? Maybe you could commission a bench and use that instead of the grave. That way you can have your own dedication too

So sorry that your mum has hurt you in this way. That’s an awful thing to do.

I agree with others that i would create my own memorial for him: a tree, a plaque, a park bench. Somewhere where you can sit a while and hold his memory dear.

Sammy, I can understand your upset. Your mother must be a very bitter person. Rise above it, can you plant a nice plant for him, that you can focus on and remember. He is in your heart. They say people due twice, once when they do die then when their name is never mentioned. I very often when on my own talk to my late husband. I buy flowers on birthdays and anniversaries with our picture close. It helps me.

I agree with everyone else sammy15 that is an awful thing to do to desecrate a grave in that way.
I think to pursue this will only add to your grief, your father will remain just that and no amount of paint can change it. Create your own memorial where you can go and remember him.

Thank for much everyone with you kind words they have been very comforting.
Yes she owns the plot and the head stone so not much i can do regarding that.
But yes he lives on in my heart daily and I have so many memories of him.
Like many of you said thats what is important.
Thank you again for everyones replies.
I usually read lots of post on here then actually post.
But your all lovely so will make a point of replying to post more x