Micro managed by retired hubby

It was obviously a massive generalisation but also she isn’t describing a classically aggressive man; shouting, threatening and physically assaulting. Her husband’s mistreatment of her is non-violent and easily denied and refuted by gaslighting. He would see himself as light years away from that kind of “brute” and probably thinks he’s long-suffering. He’s very entitled.

It’s an insidious type of abuse. Just horrible.

Baggytrazzas I completely agree with you.

^ men in their 60s and older, of very moderate ability, who went to second rate public schools, could enjoy a very comfortable career, with a wealth of secretarial and clerical support that just doesn’t exist now. Boozy lunches, golf, Friday afternoons in the pub and then going home and not lifting a finger because they’d been at work all day.^

That is really harking back well into history. I worked with people like that in the 1960s, but by the 1970s when I returned to work after 7 years at home, that had gone. I worked for a series of large companies, and civil service, mostly in the engineering sector, usually one of the most hidebound of industries, yet by the mid 1970s this culture had been swept away in the first rounds of major redundancies.

My father was an army officer and anything less of a domestic bully it would be hard to find. In the early 1950s he pushed prams, changed nappies and bottle fed my sister. I can never remember him sitting down if my mother was doing anything domestic, he was always helping her (it drove her mad!)

While the OP's specific problems arise from her current situation, this kind of behaviour arises almost always arises in a relationship where the man has held the upper hand and the woman has generally accepted doing things his way throughout the relationship and only jibs at it, when it becomes so obviously selfish and self centred and causess her deep distress.

I offer no defence of the bullying nature of some men, but remain puzzled why, nowadays, when women have known they are entitled to be treated equally and with respect in a partnership for four or five decades now, so many women acquiesce in this dominance by their partners and do not assert their own right to respect, dignity and equality from the start of their relationship.

M0nica

While the OP's specific problems arise from her current situation, this kind of behaviour arises almost always arises in a relationship where the man has held the upper hand and the woman has generally accepted doing things his way throughout the relationship and only jibs at it, when it becomes so obviously selfish and self centred and causess her deep distress.

I offer no defence of the bullying nature of some men, but remain puzzled why, nowadays, when women have known they are entitled to be treated equally and with respect in a partnership for four or five decades now, so many women acquiesce in this dominance by their partners and do not assert their own right to respect, dignity and equality from the start of their relationship.

Hi MOnica I think it's partly an age/ generational thing as the OP and partner here are both mid to late 60s. Possibly things have deteriorated over time without either noticing it was getting so bad until recently. Younger people both men and women will have been brought up differently. The younger ones will rightly demand equality from the outset whereas it's possibly going to take a bit longer for those from older generations to bring themselves up to modern day accepted standards. And not everyone will be able to make the changes. I think that there will be a lot of older people ( both men and women) left to fend for themselves as their partners decide they've had enough.

Weeshamrock I hope you and your husband can sit down to discuss the situation and agree on a more acceptable way ahead that supports you both.

I am nearly 80 and got married in the 1960s. Yes, some women, even then happily entered marriages of bondage, but most expected equality and made sure they got it. That was over 50 years ago. I would expect anyone married for less than 40 years would have expected andhave made sure they had equality from day 1.

Well, hopefully we won't be seeing much more of this type of behaviour in the future.

BlueBelle

Can someone advise me ….yes …..stand up to him he sounds a bully and you sound as if you have never stood up to him in your life you sound lost in his presence well it’s never too late Stop trying to please him you don’t need to placate him
When it comes to getting the meal ready, ask for help if he refuses then next time buy him a ready meal and tell him if he wants home cooked he ll have to help more
As for not helping with your seatbelt etc Ask him for help if he refuses stop travelling with him go on the bus, train, walk but not with him you d get far more assistance off a stranger

Do you have girlfriends/grown up children you can go out with, leave him at home You sound in a very old fashioned role of his little drudge Take your life into your own hands and tell him to look after himself and you a bit more

We are not in the nineteenth century no one needs a bully for a partner/ husband STAND UP TO HIM has the relationship always been in these roles ?

Well said Bluebelle.

If he was my old man he would have had his hair parted with the frying pan.

I once worked with a lady who was about sixty. She had a serious heart operation after a procedure went wrong but she was still fairly active. Her husband was a Naval Officer and when he was home on leave she always had to rush home to make sure everything was up to his standard. He would start by running his finger along the picture rails and it would be all downhill from there. She just accepted it as what husbands were like.