Hurtful comment, never forgotten

Many years ago, a lad who'd asked me to dance asked if I was a builder because my hands were so rough. I had really bad eczema so was already conscious of how my hands looked. All these years later I'm still on edge showing my hands - even writing in front of someone to the point even I can't read my own writing.

Cumbrianmale I was never bullied as I looked like it wouldn't be worth anyone's while. I was always first picked for quiz teams and school plays.

Aveline

I was always last to be picked at netball too. It never bothered me. I hated the daft game.

Ditto stupid football and rugby in rotten weather and I was glad to throw my kit in the bin when I was 16. However, PE teachers and pupils who are good at games can be nasty bullies to unathletic kids.

Very few people are likely to respond to negative comments and it can really impact on self esteem. More may respond to constructive criticism alongside positive comments. This has been backed up with research.

My own school reports were littered with the words "lazy", "must try harder" but what would have really helped was an understanding of what was going on with positive remarks on where I was getting it right. Without help to keep me on the same planet, I couldn't "concentrate more". Consequently when I returned to earth, I had no idea of what was expected of me. When I couldn't do the work I knew that I would get into trouble for not listening so I kept my head down in the hope I wouldn't be noticed. I struggled to concentrate on writing things down or broadening facts into essay form. I'd get low marks but nobody ever helped to sort out where I was struggling. Negative comments just made me feel thick because I didn't know how to change it.

I also don't think a lot of children are at the right maturity to do what we are asking of them and negativity is not going to lead them to the right place when they are ready for it.

Can negative comments made in childhood have a positive effect? eg the traditional 'must try harder' of school reports lead to improvement in the long run? It did in my case. Also being told that I was lazy and selfish made me look out for when I was being like that.

I am more with Aveline than Shinamae. I was always the last chosen for teams. No one wants a clumsy butterfingers in their team.

And yes I do think it matters why some children are affected for life by one chance remark, while others may be upset for a while and then put it behind them, because it gives us insight and understanding that can help us support and help children if they do struggle after these remarks.

Surely anything that stops people being affected for life by an odd remark can only be a good thing.

I was always last to be picked at netball too. It never bothered me. I hated the daft game.

Monica, I don’t think it really matters why some of us take these insults and carry them throughout our lives..
This thread shows that more often than not people have been really, really hurt by the comments and have carried them and affected their lives greatly..and who knows why? and does it matter?
And another thing that’s always stayed with me. I was always always last to be picked at netball every time Mary would choose Jane and Philippa would choose Mary and so on and so on and so on until I was the only one left and yes that has stayed with Me and no, I don’t know why, but it has and it still hurts…

Magenta8

Like many people of my generation, I endured many insults when I was a child. It was almost routine that many adults seemed to think they had carte blanche to be as rude as they liked to children.

The vast majority of these insults I probably shrugged off at the time and are long forgotten. However, some, I am not sure why, struck home and have stayed with me as being unnecessarily personal and cruel. I am not a particularly sensitive person but neither I do not possess a skin like a rhino.

I think it would be a gross exaggeration to imply that these insults distort the lives of people but this does not mean that the insults are forgotten and do not still rankle when occasionally called to mind.

But many people on this thread have said how one chance remark has affected them throughout their lives and still does.. If that is not a remark distorting their lives, what is?

When people talk about facing a childhood of disparagement and criticism that is something very different.

I think it all depends what you go home to, I mean is it more of the same? ….Or do they get the opportunity to moan to mum,dad,siblings and laugh it off. Only children too can become the focus of too much concern. There needs to be a middle way.

My mum was a great distractor in the form of such helpful instructions as “oh never mind them, I’ve got a dinner to do, so
I want (me) to set the table/nip to the co-op for some butter/peel some spuds” …always the caring concerned mum (NOT) 😀

What makes some children take an insult to heart and let it distort theeir lives, while others just shrug it off?

Some people suffer with emotional dysregulation, others with rejection sensitivity, body dysmorphia, low self esteem, etc. We're just different.
I grew up with a mother who was scathing about everything to do with my appearance, body shape, ability, etc whilst praising my sister to the hilt in front of me. I didn't realise she did the same to my sister about me. Combine that with men who came into our lives as kindly father figures and then disappeared without trace just as we'd grown to love them and you soon get low self esteem. Other people outside the family could crush me very easily. They still can to a certain extent but as I get older I care less about what other people think.

Like many people of my generation, I endured many insults when I was a child. It was almost routine that many adults seemed to think they had carte blanche to be as rude as they liked to children.

The vast majority of these insults I probably shrugged off at the time and are long forgotten. However, some, I am not sure why, struck home and have stayed with me as being unnecessarily personal and cruel. I am not a particularly sensitive person but neither I do not possess a skin like a rhino.

I think it would be a gross exaggeration to imply that these insults distort the lives of people but this does not mean that the insults are forgotten and do not still rankle when occasionally called to mind.

Sparklefizz

M0nica What makes some children take an insult to heart and let it distort theeir lives, while others just shrug it off?

Because it's their nature to be more sensitive.

Are you suggesting that all those who do not take an insult to heart long term are insensitive, with all that description entails.

I suspect it has much more to do with resilience and a child's ability to take the rough with the smooth and to neither overplay the smooth and get arrogant nor make too much of the nastier side of life, which will always be there.

M0nica What makes some children take an insult to heart and let it distort theeir lives, while others just shrug it off?

Because it's their nature to be more sensitive.

True, but when you're 12, very shy, heading for those puberty years when everything goes haywire then it's different. Personality type probably has a lot to do with it. New secondary school, being made fun of every single day about how you look and being told that you should just die really takes its toll! Some kids probably can just brush it off. A lot of them can't, then can't tell anyone for fear of more ridicule so just hold it all in. Eventually that all has to come out somehow! If you're particularly shy and sensitive you don't want to draw attention to yourself by acting out.. so you internalise it. Hence eating disorders and self harm that doesn't draw attention to yourself.
I don't know if that's how it is for others, but that's how it was for me.

Iam completely horrified how so many people took the random insults of childhood and so internalised them.

People saying nasty things to me in childhood was the norm for me and most children, and although they would upset me and others at the time. most of them have been forgotten.

Children quite casually saying nasty things to each other seemed the norm in my childhood - and I went to 10 schools around the UK and abroad. so my experience is not confined to one school or one community. I went to mixed and single sex schools, boarding and day, private and state schools.

What makes some children take an insult to heart and let it distort theeir lives, while others just shrug it off?

All these stories really upset me. I'm so sorry that you all had insults thrown at you without any remorse by the sender, and that you took them to heart and carried them with you.

I don't remember any particular insult, but do remember being mistaken for a boy when I was around 12. And I thought my short hair cut was cute! I grew it out after that.

I remember a boy I knew saying that this girl (not me for a change) was so ugly she should not be allowed to exist and if all girls looked like her mankind would die out. Back then if girls protested about these sort of remarks adults just used to smile indulgently and say "Boys will be boys".

In secondary school I remember a boy telling me I was so ugly I should die. I was 12. This bought on years of an eating disorder and self harm. Only now, in my 50's, am I actually confident-ish about how I am. I am finally comfortable in my own skin.

M0nica

I was always described as clumsy - and those saying so were right i was a clumsy child tripping over, tearing things, dreadful handwriting, hopeless at sewing.

DS had the same problems, but we contacted someone running a research project into people like us. Following tests we were diagnosed as having what is now described as dyspraxia. That was 40 years ago. It is only in the last 5 years that people have begun to understand how diverse neural problems affect people and alienates them and make them feel odd.

That had me doing a quick check for dyspraxia - hmmm...yep awful writing (though I think that's probably largely down to being used to getting things down on paper very fast with a keyboard - as I'm a fast typist). Sewing - well I can take up a basic hem manually. Driving = oh heck! and had to give up.

But I do remember that my reading age at school was soon about 3 years older than my actual age - so that wasnt a problem. I learnt how to read basic language - and with my mother being (I think) the parent that was around most (armed forces father!) and he obviously learnt to "talk down" to her meant my first few years as an adult meant reading with a dictionary by my side (as I knew my mothers vocabulary was very limited - and so was mine accordingly). The dictionaries got thicker and thicker as I went on and taught myself a decent vocabulary.

What sad stories here.
I don’t recall any dished out to me in the past but was more than able to dish them out in return if I had them.I also had lovely parents ( Mum still lovely) which helps doesn’t it?

M0nica I found, back in the day, that often games teachers were very unsympathetic towards so called "clumsy" children.

They seemed to think that said children were just being annoying and weren't trying hard enough.

Who posted the sandals & fake feet?

😳😂😂😂😂😂

I was always described as clumsy - and those saying so were right i was a clumsy child tripping over, tearing things, dreadful handwriting, hopeless at sewing.

DS had the same problems, but we contacted someone running a research project into people like us. Following tests we were diagnosed as having what is now described as dyspraxia. That was 40 years ago. It is only in the last 5 years that people have begun to understand how diverse neural problems affect people and alienates them and make them feel odd.