Are you a people pleaser?

I have always been an awkward cuss, I am sure not news to anyone on GN. I can and do work cooperatively and never set out to rock boats but if the choice is between going out on a limb and being myself or pretending to be someone I am not, then I take a cushion and sit on the limb. Nobody is convinced when I pretend anyway, so usually send out on the limb.

People pleasers have such a hard life. My husband was one, and one of my daughters. Also, a friend. I think they believe that the ones who love them, will always be there, no matter what, so they end up being almost disloyal to them, in their efforts to please people who really don’t matter. The people pleasers I know, are generally miffed, because they don’t get back what they give, or think they’ve given. They just can’t say ‘ NO’. My husband is better now, with lots of training! ?

On the whole no, because it can build resentment. Best to be honest but kind, I think people will respect you more for it.

I used to be at work if I thought it was advantageous. I’m not in general life, but it’s rare that I’m blunt, only if nothing else works, I temper my responses to the person and situation.

Yes, I’m afraid I am a people pleaser, but I don’t want to be. I think it’s because I have low self-confidence and just want to be liked, but then I dislike myself for saying “yes” to something I don’t want to do and I feel wretched! My DH is not a people pleaser and I try to learn from him. He even bought me a book called The Joy of No which is helpful. I need to re-read it though! People pleasing shows a lack of respect for yourself, I always think, but then I’m still guilty of it. If you say to someone “I need to think about it”, it almost prepares them for a “no” answer, but I agonise about having to say “no”! Wish I was not like this, but of course it’s been easier during lockdown as we can’t go anywhere anyway.

Thank you for your interesting posts. Sometimes in trying to please others we forget about what is right for us. That favour that turns into an expectation, the person who feels that we should be at their beck and call and when they have no further use of us walks away without a backward glance.

I am now more selective about what I say yes to. I ask myself do I want to do this, does it feel right, would I enjoy it, does it fit in with my other commitments and lifestyle. If the answer is no then I decline. We all have different priorities and ours are not always the same as that person who wants our time. If they want my time they have to get in the queue with all the other people who feel they have a right to make demands on me.

I was brought up to be a people pleaser. Dad was an awful bully and we were his doormats though we sometimes kicked up a fuss. A lack of confidence and self esteem was the result of being brow beaten at a low level on a daily basis which gets you down. I don't think he was even aware of how badly he threw his weight around. It's taken years, if not decades, to learn to say no. Pathetic, isn't it?

No it isn’t pathetic at all lovebeige we sometimes learn behaviour in childhood in order to cope. I am still re learning as an adult, behaviour which serves me better. It ain’t easy.

I get a lot of pleasure out of helping others, so that pleasure is my own reward. However, over the past few years , while I have been unable (caring responsibilities, ill health) to be as active in the community and friendship groups as previously, I have noticed that apart from two near life long friends there is little reciprocity. Turns out I was tolerated because I was 'useful' but never liked nor cared about.

I think lots of us are relearning because life was very different when we were children. We tended to be brought up to obey and that’s still with us years later.

No, I think I’m more of an irritant.