Sadness for sons

Tillybelle bless you, it was so clear you were speaking from experience and the heart xx

I think you should feel sorry for yourself, not your sons. You made a couple of what turned out to be problematic but not necessarily wrong choices. I hope your boys inherited your first husband's good qualities and your caring nature and I hope things get better for you soon.

We do what we think is right at the time. With age comes wisdom and, looking back, I'd never have done half the things I did. I made a lot of wrong choices. I often wish I could put the clock back and do things differently and better. You don't say the ages of your boys but no doubt in time they will have partners and families of their own for you to share. Your life may be happier in older age. I know that the arrival of my GS brought such joy into my life when I was feeling quite low. As someone else said - love is what matters. You sound like a wonderful Mum.

Tillybelle- in my short time on this website your name stands out as being consistently empathic & kind and I personally felt truly uplifted by your kind words to me. You are an inspiration & I thank you XX

Your children although have gone through the same situation as you, have seen it from a very different angle.
Maybe now as they are grown you can help them talk about how they feel and allow yourself to also tell them how you feel. This sharing of feelings is also 'good for mental health '. But professional support may also be helpful for you to see, no matter what you did, you could not affect how your husbands behaved, their behaviour is not your fault.
Trust yourself.

Bless you OP.
I could have written a very similar story about me and my daughter, the decisions I made surrounding the men in our lives .
She held it against me for some time.
We did some counselling together. I apologised and explained as best I could.
What I won't do is spend the rest of my life apologising.
That serves no purpose. Feeling guilty is really so negative. My advice is to learn to accept your human failings and learn from your mistakes.
Your adult children need to see you being your best self.
These men who made your (and their) life such a misery should not have the power to continue to do so.
I'm rooting for you.
Please feel free to private message me. ?

I believed that I gave my boys a fantastic family upbringing. Talking to them during a rift recently their memories of their childhood they thought their father was a better father than me a mother. I've been to counselling and I have come to believe that yes I was a great.mother like I thought. Boys just remember relationships differently. I was very hurt. They forgot about the things I.did for them. As women we.are programmed to do everything for them and to feel guilty about what we have or haven't done. That's a hangover.from my mother's and grandmother's life to be subversive to men and to.go without for our children. What you are lacking is confidence. Get some counselling because you.sound like a great.mother to me.

Haweral is spot on. My eldest made some nasty remarks about his childhood, in fact had quite a chip on his shoulder about it.

I spoke to my youngest, saying that I was quite hurt that he didn't seem to even like me, considering that I'd always loved him so much.

I spoke about all the nights I'd walked around trying to settle him as a colicky baby, the awful pain breastfeeding after a cesarean, the fatigue, the worry and endless fussing over him. Why did I bother?

By contrast, she'd had minimal fuss and attention from me (being the fourth) was passed round family like a parcel while I just got on with things - and was the happiest and most contented of them all.

Of course, that conversation got relayed very quickly to him and he phoned - to say how very hurt he was that I thought he didn't like me - typical!

As women we.are programmed to do everything for them and to feel guilty about what we have or haven't done.

Since when? Some women have been but not all. Neither me, nor my mother nor my grandmother, nor most women of my acquaintance.

programmed? Not me either ?

You’re definitely not a failure. You are still in contact with your sons which speaks droves. You’ve been dealt a harsh hand, but it’s never too late to improve. It may be a good idea to seek out self help groups, of which I’m sure there are many, where you could meet people in similar situations. What about your work place? Is there scope there for socialising? Failing this, maybe counselling would be good. You could speak to your GP as a first port of call.