Dealing with sexism - If you could go back......

I grew up in the 70s and had a wonderful time.

Any unwanted attention was swiftly rebuffed.

SirChenjin, dismissing womens personal experiences, dismissing the knowledge and insight they acquired by way of unfortunate situations and dismissing their wise application of said knowledge, is not advocacy- It's ignorance-

Promoting the true fact that women are not to blame for rape, and other damaging sexual acts that befell them, pierces the protective bubbles that were kept around predators- It exposes them- But it doesn't alter their inclinations-

Every story shared here reveals crucial details not to be overlooked, dismissed or glossed over with a single, seemingly magical mantra- Women have to be informative and proactive- And to do that they need ALL the facts, not just run on a platform of 1 fact and be done-

This post has brought back so many uncomfortable and unpleasant memories. In my teens and twenties I was slim and pretty (not boasting here) and seemed to be a magnet for obnoxious men. At 18 I was raped on a date. The police didn't want to know and because I was on the pill, for medical reasons, thought I had asked for it. Until today I've never told anyone, not my parents, friends nor my husband. It has coloured my relationships with men and turned me into someone who sees everything through a feminist perspective. I won't let any sexist comment go unremarked. I've brought my daughter up to be tough and my sons to be gentle. But after all these years I still feel I should come out of the closet on this one some day. But I don't know how to do it now after literally 50 years of silence.

I was 17 and travelled daily to London, the train was always packed and everyone was usually squashed together. One chap in particular made a point of standing behind me every day, the next thing I felt was his hand passing over my rear end.It happened too many times for it to be a coincidence. I turned around to try and make eye contact with him, but he used to stare fixidly in the distance. Eventually got wise, one day he was up to his "usual tricks" and I stepped back on his foot with my stiletto heels (very fashionable then!) must have damaged his foot somewhat, but he never approached me again. How brave I was at 17!
Would never have occurred to me to complain about him.

SaraC, Galaxy - thank you both. The logical, scientific side of me knows that's what happened - maybe one day I'll stop kicking myself for not reacting differently. But it just goes to show that you never know how you will react in any given situation until it happens. Victim-blaming and victim-shaming are wrong - full stop.

Rose - please point to where I have dismissed the lived experience of any woman on here.

Like op's, I was a 'victim' of incidents a number of times in my childhood and early teens from strangers, a neighbour and a couple of male relatives. I only told my parents once, when a young local lad exposed himself. What I find strange, looking back, is the lack of concern and awareness my parents showed of potential danger to me. I let myself in after school from about the age of nine, and always found a shopping list and money, so, even in the dark, off I would go to the shops, passing no houses, but businesses with a lot of workmen around. In the summer, I would be off roaming around the countryside, alone, on my bike. I had to let the insurance man and the 'tick' man in weekly, and I do remember being uncomfortable in the presence of one of them. I would often have to go to one of the local shops on a dark evening for their cigarettes, along same dark, uninhabited at night, streets. What amazes me most of all, looking back, is that my mother wouldn't walk along that road in the dark. If she had to go out, my father would accompany her to the bus stop, then be waiting for her on her return. We had no phone, so he only had a rough idea when she would be back, but he was always there waiting. How could they let me do it from the age of ten?

I’m interested to know if, heaven forbid, one of your daughters or granddaughters was raped, you would advise her to report it.

Knowing what we know about the justice system and rape cases, could you bear her to go through it?

I certainly have no regrets. I was always perfectly capable of telling anyone who made patronising, sexist or racist remarks where to get off!

Sara - I honestly don't know, and it's something I have thought about. My DD is 20 and at university in another city. If she got drunk, invited a boy back to her flat and then changed her mind (as is her absolute right) I don't know that I would encourage her to report it, given that there's a very low chance of a prosecution and an even lower chance of a conviction - and she'd be torn to shreds in court. I'd support her every step of the way though, whatever she decided.

SirChenjin

I agree with you.

Sara65, I think mental stability would need to be taken into consideration prior to reporting certain sexual crimes- I say this because of the suicidal tendencies associated with sexual abuse cases- Many choose counseling over seeking conviction for that very reason- I wouldn't fault anyone for choosing that approach-

Sara that’s a good question. It’s easy to say report isn’t it to stop it happening to anyone else but depending on the circumstances and what she would almost certainly be put through. And it’s worse now with social media sometimes ‘outing’ the victim.

grande why do you think you were able to be so capable? Where you brought up in the UK? By a mother who gave you great confidence? It would be interesting to know your thoughts

grannybuy your description of being a lone 10 yr old reminds me a lot of me.
Only once, and I was a latchkey kid, when I was followed home and opened the door and hid in the dark house did I do something about it.
I could see or sense that the man was still lurking about but we had a telephone so I edged my way to the phone and called my mum's work. She told me to phone a neighbour which I did but infact my mum returned from work at the same time as a couple of police who searched around outside the dark houses but found no-one.
I felt such a relief but didn't feel like answering a lot of questions. A friend from school had recently been attacked on her way home from hockey practice at dusk.

There was a lot of talk at the time about not talking to strangers, or going in cars etc but nothing practical was changed and it was as if I was a nuisance and why did I get followed home!!!
Would I encourage the report of a rape of my DD or DGD. I would like to think I would.

DD was given a lot of freedom too and albeit with a mobile phone has spent time abroad and hitchhiking, things I would have been much too afraid to do. I was a very timid child and could not understand why anyone, let alone a smart, young, good looking man, would be interested in a little girl in school uniform!! I told you I was naive.

You can't go back and change society's attitudes. If I could I would have given the job centre ( can't remember what it was called way back then)the real reason why I had left my job in the 80s - sexual harassment and then would have taken my boss to court. Just didn't happen then.

When I was 11 (eleven!) and an early developer, I got seriously harrassed by much older men. I remember one particular occasion, two men in a car stopped and grabbed hold of me. They didn't try to force me into the car, but were CLEARLY after sex. I was so scared . ELEVEN. Just because I was growing boobs.

It seems we’ve all been subjected to some horrible experiences, little girls with no resources to deal with what happened to us, and without the vocabulary to explain what was happening, or the expectation that anyone would believe us. Sad.

It's horrific, isn't it? We're just a small, random bunch of women on one forum and look at how many of us (often at a very young age) have experienced sexual assaults and violence.

yes it is shocking. most of my memories have been forgotten but even this thread is disturbing them...
I think most women I know can also recount very similar stories and experiences.

I used to have days when I deliberately dressed down to avoid attention.

Being assertive and feisty doesn't stop rape or assault.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I cannot say I met much sexism or sexual harrasment, even though I worked mainly in the engineering industry. When I met it, I treated it with the contempt it deserved - and that was clear to the perpetrator.

There was one incident when I was followed along a road by someone trying to pick me up as a prostitute and I remember that very clearly because it was the only time something like that happened to me. But no physical contact was made.

I quite agree that the woman is not to blame if she is attacked or raped , but it is common sense for anyone male or female not to take risks.

When DS was between 16-18 we forbade him to walk home from town after dark, because we lived in the university area of town and at the time groups of roaming riffs from other areas of the town used to amuse themselves by wandering round the university area looking for students to duff up and he could easily be mistaken for a student. DS would not have been to blame if he was beaten up but nevertheless it was sensible to not take the risk.

I agree with you rosecarmel at the same time I had a route from home to the railway station that took me down a couple of little alleys, but I took a longer route after dark to avoid the alleys, not because I was fearful of a sexual assault, I wasn't, but because I was worried about being stopped and robbed or attacked and injured during the robbery.

The fact of it 'not being your fault' doesn't mean that you should take risks. I can see no advantage in being dead right. I would rather be living carefully.

M0nica

You are absolutely correct, whatever the rights or wrongs of a situation, we have to teach our children that they need to take sensible precautions, and hopefully stay safe.

I worked for the lindon fire brigade, admin. We used to go for drinks after work and my boyfriend was a firefighter. One day a very senior DO Firefighter told me that he needed to speak to me outside the pub. I was totally unaware, at 21, he was 40, and he just grabbed me and tried to kiss me. I pushed him off and just got really embarrassed and told no-one.
He was my boyfriends boss and in a very senior position and I was mortified. It seems so daft now that I didn’t say anything.

Tigertooth

You most certainly aren’t on your own with your response, same old story I suppose, your word against his, not wanting to cause problems with your boyfriend.

So many sleazy men got away with so much, because we just didn’t know who to tell, or if we would be believed.