Dealing with sexism - If you could go back......

So many similar experiences, it's still surprising that the ingrained mentality of victim blaming is ongoing.
If anyone takes a shortcut along an unlit alley or a bit of grassy area even ... THEY are not asking for trouble, THEY are perhaps being naive but they are certainly not wanting or expecting to be attacked in anyway. An opportunist thief at best but a predatory rapist will take advantage of the situation.
As previously said, it's less likely to be from a stranger in a dark alley it is defiantly more likely to be in a relatively safe place from someone who should be safe.

Having the physical strength or training to look after yourself can give a false sense of security as you never know what you will do until you are in that situation and fear takes over.
After several really scary situations all dealt with very differently I do know that I didn't report any of them because I never felt I would be believed and I'm sure I'm right.

Being polite and not making a fuss, ingrained, not causing trouble within the family/friends of the 'adults' ingrained, not wanting to seem foolish, silly, overreacting or naive, again ingrained not wanting to be accused of 'bringing it on myself' The list is endless but as a young person, these are the reasons why I didn't report any of the assaults so I would never now as an older person ever say or allow to be said, 'well , what was she thinking about ? going/doing/wearing that ?? what did she expect ?? She certainly didn't expect that did she ?
Thanks for OP bring this up, I know I'm not alone, I've always known that sadly but hopefully all the males in our lives will be living with our attitudes and experiences and it'll get better eventually.

Summerlove

I don’t actually blame myself, but I know for sure that some of the situations I found myself in, would have been avoided if I’d acted differently.

Old heads of young shoulders oh how I wish I could travel back as well, it'd be fun but not for everyone. I'd certainly deal with some people in a different way

Can I put in a good word for men?

My brother in law, walking back to his car one night heard a noise from an alleyway. He decided to investigate and came upon two men attacking a woman. He waded in and pulled them off her, she ran off to a nearby pub, the police were called and the men were arrested and eventually went to prison.

Women should feel safe at any time, day or night, and I believe many men would act the same way as my brother in law

(My brother in law lost two teeth in the encounter and received a fine for overstaying in the car park!)

I think it’s amazing that today’s younger women are paying more forthright about their experiences. But I think the optimism on this thread that it’s better is overly optimistic.

But maybe I’m just being pessimistic.

Men have such a deeply ingrained sense of protection and authority to do whatever they want. Just look at Brock Turner in America.

More focus needs to be made on teaching people not to assault.

I think so many girls I knew growing up in the seventies had bad experiences, some worse than others. I think the most scared I ever was, was in the house of a neighbour, they had a few friends in for drinks, we were all 20 somethings, and he had been away in the army, and I hadn’t met him before.
We got chatting, and he asked if I’d like to go upstairs and see how he’d decorated the nursery, he literally chucked me on the bed, his hand was over my mouth, I could hardly breathe, never mind scream, he undid his jeans, pulled mine down, and I don’t even know what happened, maybe he heard something, but he up and left me.
The stupid part is, that I told my husband, but completely played it down, almost making it a bit humorous.
I’m over all these things, I don’t let them bother me, but I doubt I was the only girl he tried to rape, and he probably succeeded with some.

I was groped by my male cousin at the tender age of 14, he would have been 17 ish ...he pressed me up against a wall at home grabbed my breasts and said "you haven't got much, have you " I was so innocent but so humiliated. To this day I have never told anyone. .60 years on....why? Because his father and my mother were brother and sister and idolised each other so I knew I would never be believed. Never forgotten.

Low self esteem + innocence will always be sought out by paedophiles and rapists. Be careful with spouting your arrogant, and rather heartless eroneous assumptions that it could never happen to you. Walk a mile in another man's moccasins...

Our math teacher when I was in 3rd year of the seniors would insist on separating the boys from the girls by having 3 rows of boys seated in front of his desk and the remaining girls to his left. He almost never referred to us except to say things like 'so long as you can count your change when shopping' or so long as you know how many children you have' why do you need to learn math ?
He was loathe to ever acknowledge if you had your hand up to answer a question and when there was absolutely no response to be had from the boys he would grudgingly let you answer and then quickly move on if you were right.
Shocking behaviour which we all knew was out of order and I know he would never get away with that attitude today. It was a good school with a good reputation but he was a disgrace as my previous math teacher was an absolute star

Some of you may have already seen this. I have used it with students as a helpful way of explaining sexual consent. A useful analogy .... copy and paste the link (sorry can’t work out how to make it ‘live’!)
youtu.be/cT4gym83QJc

Ah - it just did when I posted it!

Good for your brother-in-law sunseeker. That was so courageous and selfless.

One of my daughters worked for many years in Paris and then London, travelling by train in both cities. She found the best method of repelling badly behaved men (and there were a lot of them) was to let her mouth hang open, stick her finger up her nose and go cross eyed. She is a rather assertive lady but reckons this worked best for her.

Am starting to remember more and more incidents while reading....at my grammar school no girls ever choose science subjects because Chemistry was mandatory and none of us girls wanted to have that teacher any longer than we had to.
Everyone knew that he would get girls to stand on desks (though I can't remember why or how) and stare up them. He touched girls over their clothes but touched all the same. No one liked him
But no one ever reported him because we knew we wouldn't be believed.
This seems so strange now but it wasn't then.
I had wanted to study Physics but could not because of the chemistry option.
I am certain no-one would back off now but women were constantly told that being touched inappropriately was our own "fault".
For being alone, or dressed provocatively.

I had no real idea then of male sexuality.
Not of what it can be like. Of course not all men are like this ....but it only takes one to make you feel bad. and back in the 1960's men still ruled everything.
Thankfully things have changed but I do wonder if today's women don't realize how recent that change has occurred and that we must keep on pushing against any erosion of our safety.
Like the mixed gender changing rooms. Which are being brought in and Female spaces are taken away.

I brought my daughter up to be assertive and strong but she has also had to deal with men being aggressive and scary though she has not had the constant abuse we had back then.

Pinkquartz

Same here, all kinds of little incidents, what’s so sad is that we all seemed to think no one would believe us, and we were almost certainly right.

I was young, innocent and timid - a great combination, hey? Add to that small, quiet, female - perfect prey for bullying, etc.
My first boss often isolated me to ask about my underwear - what to do? Mum said make sure you're not alone with him but as the boss he'd send others on an errand. I left after six weeks. At the JobCentre they'd noticed the same vacancy came up frequently and could I say why. We did so but Mum 'didn't want to fuss' so declined a formal complaint. Not making a fuss was a big thing.
Later in an office job I did say something - said that a remark/attitude was 'sexist' around the early 70s.
"Oh ha ha, I'm a bloke, don't you mean se^xy^? Ha, ha!" I wished I hadn't bothered as I was made to look an idiot for actually speaking up.
If my 64 year old self knew then what I know now I'd have really stuck the boot in. It puts you off men, doesn't it? We know that they're not all the same but ... a few of them let the side down very badly.
And no, we didn't led them on - all we needed was to be young, naive and have a pulse.

We had a rep come into work a few years ago, he told a totally insulting sexist joke.
I showed him the door, and told him never to come back, and it was good that I had the support of all the male staff.

My twenty something self would probably have laughed uncomfortably , but certainly not spoken up.

Reading through this thread, so many similar stories, going back so many years, but all sadly remembered so vividly.
We were too trusting, naive, innocent, but as stated often, such different times.

Love the link, Sara65. It gives a humorous but clear and unequivocal message. It should be used in all secondary schools.

Well done BiL! Sunseeker. I would hope that most men are not like these sleazebags.

Unfortunately the encounters I had as a child/teenager so terrified me that I was afraid to be alone with any male over the age of about 16 for years.

My own DS and DGS are lovely, gentle people who are so far from these vile descriptions as you could get.

I went to night school and was the eldest in class the teacher came too close when showing me how its done.The rest of the class noticed and thought it was funny I stopped going

It's very easy to say, oh if this or that happened, I would do this - I would make a scene, I would slap the man or whatever, but the truth is, you don't know how you will react until it actually happens. I'm no shrinking violet, I've worked in a largely male-dominated profession my whole life and I can hold my own in most situations. However, just a couple of years ago I was travelling home on a crowded bus when a man sat next to me - he then started touching my knee and running his hand up and down my leg. Now, if you'd asked me before what I'd do in such a situation, I'd have said I'd shout, slap or make a scene - but I froze. Completely. I couldn't do a thing - and to this day, I am so angry and ashamed - yes, ashamed - that I did so. I'm angry at myself for feeling that way, so don't be too quick to judge...

Blondiescot - the ‘threat’ system in the brain is hardwired to respond in one of four ways - flight; fight; freeze or appease. Don’t beat yourself up for reacting as you did - it wasn’t a matter of voluntary control or choice in that situation.

Blondie, yours is a well known response to fear, completely out of your control, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Cross post with Sara!