Manners; where's thank you notes gone!

I would expect at least a phone call to say thank you if they're not likely to see you personally. A small inexpensive notelet with a Thank you for your thoughtful gift, baby is doing well and he/she looks so cute in the romper suit, would be perfect. We were taught to write thankyou's as children, sadly it seems to be the exception not the norm these days. If no one says thank you, you wonder if your gift has even arrived. You took the trouble to go shopping, choose a beautiful item, wrap and send, surely a few lines & a stamp isn't expecting too much? If they can't be bothered, don't send any more in that direction.

We were invited to a wedding and the bride and groom asked for money. Not our way of doing things but we gave a nice amount. A month on and no thank you. I think it is such bad manners .
We gave money to a couple for their wedding, which we went to in August. Still half expecting a thank you note!

I was amazed when my first child was born to receive so many presents from friends of my Scottish in-laws whom I had never met. Their local town had several baby wear shops, full of gifts, giving to all and sundry was the norm. I am not sure if it is the case these days.

I am lucky if I get a thank you from my grandchildren, they leave that to their Dad to pass on to me.

I understand very well why you feel that the gift wasn't appreciated and why you might want not to bother in the future.

Perhaps we didn't bring our children up to realise that they were supposed to write or phone their thanks?

Manners change like everything else, after all our grandmothers wore mourning after a death in the family, but we don't (except perhaps at the funeral, or for a few days)
I can just remember a time when elderly ladies all wore black, grey or dark blue and those who were widows wore their wedding ring on their right hand, not their left. I doubt anyone does that now and thank you notes, phone calls or texts seem to be going the same way as mourning rituals.

I give 100 per cent because I want to. I neither look or hope for thanks. If I did, I would be giving very little nowadays. Who cares? Hetty says it for me.

I see it as an extension of what you’d do in person. If you’d had a baby and a neighbour or friend came round with a present you’d acknowledge your gratitude with a thank you. Why should it be any different if that friend lives too far away to pop in but still went to the expense and gave up their time to get you a present? It’s still basic manners to say thanks.

My MIL sent £100 worth of posh clothes on the birth of her great gd This was 20 yrs ago and she never even received an acknowledgement that it arrived. Asked her DIL 6 mths later and she confirmed it had and it was lovely. But no Thank you nothing. Last present she ever sent them.

Wow varied thoughts.

I wonder how reprentative across the classes generally we are who log onto Gransnet...
I definitely think reading the replies it's hugely influenced by social media and our new generation forms of communication. If I'm honest I think if it was boiled down we'd find that the upper classes, privately educated and professional backgrounds are more likely to still send thank you letters be it for gifts or to a host for a weekend stay..

Oh l feel your pain. It irritates me so much. Its definitely generational. And global!

Sazzl if it was 6 months before she spoke to the new mum in the family then she cant care that much about them so why send showey expensive gifts. Showing interest means more to most people.

I like gifts that mean something. If you never/rarely speak to a person your gifts are less likely to be meaningful/personal so why do it?

Most people nowadays I think feel that an in person thankyou is more heartful than a dutiful thank.you.for.the.gift. note.

If you give a gift to someone you dont see or call then they wont have the organic opportunity to do that

If there is no sentiment behind the gift and it is given out of duty or etiquite or what ever then I would rather not have it.

A baby gift should mean the person is interested in the baby. And if its not followed up with a "how are you all doing" visit/call/text/email then it was a hollow gesture.

When a baby gift arrives you think "oh thats nice, theyre interested in my new baby so I expect they will call/visit/message soon and I can thsnk them then" so you open it, use it, its not until down the line that you realise that they send gifts but actually have no interest in your child.

Sending people like that thank you notes only prolongues the empty gift/note exchange. The people who mean their gifts to be an extension of their interest you will see or hear from anyway so they will get thanked.

I learnt this too late. Did the thank you note thing. Shouldnt have

I am sad to say that although my adult children (together with their spouses and our grandchildren) all live reasonably close to us, if we are unlikely to see them on the actual day, I always post cards for their birthdays etc. but rarely get these acknowledged
To be fair if they then visit to receive presents etc. we do get a verbal thank you.
In contrast I have a very close friend that I have known for 40 odd years (we had children at the same time) - I always send cards to her children and grandchildren and always (without fail) receive a text message thanking me either on the day or the next day.
Sadly I think the days of writing any letter have gone but I do always send 'proper' cards especially to elderly friends etc. I know they are appreciated so much - one particular lady keeps them on her shelf and looks at them over and over, enjoying them for months! I usually receive acknowledgement from their family!
On a slightly different note we watch a lot of quiz programmes etc. on TV.
Has anyone else noticed that when a contestant has to choose a subject/amount not many ask for it with a 'please' - or are we just getting old and grumpy
Perhaps 'pleases' and 'thankyous' are no longer considered important?

I’ve never thought of gifts in that way notanan - it’s certainly an interesting take on gift gifting but not one I subscribe to. Each to their own though.

I'm curious SirC, why would you give a gift so someone that you knew you probably wouldnt call or visit or otherwise contact?

What is the motivation behind the gift? If you are not close enough or interested enough in them to speak to them any time in the near future?

I do find that gifts from these sorts of people just emphasise their disinterest / distance: e.g. they'll be the ones that send a 10lb-er a teeny newborn outfit, or a tomboy a ballet book etc. And it reminds us about how they never make any effort to know the children.

I understand exactly what you mean. I get quite hurt when I’ve given a gift and it’s not even acknowledged. Also, my birthday is mostly forgotten. The older generation give and the youngest generation take.

When we say its the thought that counts, to me the thought is "Im glad youre in my life and I want that to continue"

From someone you never ever hear from again until theres another duty gift at a milestone, that thought just isnt there.

And gifts from those people actually hurt. Because it reminds hoe disinterested they are in between, but they still want to appear interested by sending gestures but then have no interest in any relationship of value

Thats why I regret the dutiful thank yous.

It keeps up the facade. They can pretend to be interested when theyre not. If I had stopped the thank yous to people who send gifts/money but wont spend time with us and the children (remotely or in person), I think it would have saved a lot of hurt/disappointment/rejection

Well to me any kind thought, text message, card or call or gift, no matter how infrequent, is welcomed and appreciated and thanked - with no hidden agenda or second guessing of motives. As Freud supposedly said ‘Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar’.......

why would you give a gift so someone that you knew you probably wouldnt call or visit or otherwise contact?

I wouldn’t Are you only referring to gift giving by near strangers as opposed to gifts sent to friends and relatives you don’t see regularly (but who don’t acknowledge receipt of them with a thanks)?

I mean gifts given to anyone's baby that you know you are unlikely to make an effort to get to know (in person pr by other contact like skype, phone etc)

Like the OP or the MIL mentioned who took 6 months to call a new mum in her family but thinks she had the moral high ground becausd she posted a gift and didnt get a dutiful thank you note posted back.

You cannot care much about a new baby in your direct family if it takes 6 months to ask how they are doing! So why pretend to care with a gift?

(When that MIL did get around to calling she was told the gift was appreciated. She would have had that sooner had she called!)

I can see this from both points of view.
I do think its a class thing, more likely to be middle-class who do this. some people are working flat out, trying to survive, don't go in for much reading or writing.
I am not middle-class, was never told to send thank you notes, and I was a child in the 1960s.
I think its a nice thing to do, but shouldn't be expected. I would always say thank you in person, probably because that's what I saw my parents do and others I love, respect.
guess one is less likely to see people writing thank you notes than hearing please/ thank you' IYSWIM.
someone I know used to send clothes/ items for grandchild. when babysitting she found these items stuffed behind the kitchen sink. didn't bother so much then.
I think so many people have so much, materially, nowadays, they don't really appreciated baby gifts, because they don't really need them.
better to give a goat to a poor country family, in the name of relative. or send shoe=boxes of goodies to poor children. they really appreciate it, need it.
otherwise it can become manipulative, mere convention= waste of goods/money= disappointment/ grievance all round.

It has only recently occurred to me how much cards are appreciated by some people. I see them as a total waste of paper, postage and effort myself. I send them to relatives I'm not going to be seeing on the day itself and a few dozen 'return' Christmas cards. I prefer to buy the charity ones.

Last year, a relative made a strange (directed) comment about how much she likes 'good quality' cards. I realised that the ones on her mantelpiece were from immediate, close family (including my little one) and others were displayed on the wall. Obviously, she was not impressed with mine!