I am just wrecked

Along with so many others I have followed your sad and difficult story. I don't think it is unusual to have a bad reaction just when it seems things are getting sorted out. So much good advice so just sending all good wishes and see the Dr about the antidepressants, after a while on them they may not be working very well.

I think annsixty and others who have been bereaved along with those coping with long term illness will agree with me that what you are experiencing may well be a very natural reaction, a sort of PTSD .
I know that for years I simply did not “do” ill, , knowing that Paw depended totally on me. Within 6 months of his death I had a vicious bout of flu, a gastric episode which landed me in A&E (111 suspected a heart attack) , a rotator cuff injury and a torn ligament in my arm .
I am convinced this was my body saying Enough!
I also felt crap for weeks and months - not any sense of relief or restored energy.
Treat yourself as you would if you were recovering from an illness - convalesce in other words.
Your struggles are not yet over and you must take care of you

You have done your best, your husband is happy and being well taken care of. Give yourself time to come to terms with all that is happening. Social Services don't realise how much stress they are putting people through with the funding policies they have. The government should step in, but that's another issue. Try to get help from Age Concern perhaps - they are very good.

I'm so sorry you're feeling rough, Luckygirl. Others have said it all so I'll just send you these.

It is going to take a while for you to recover from all the stress and anxiety, not to mention the work of caring for your DH. Don't rush things, get enough rest, try to eat well and cry as much as you need to. All this will help you heal and recover. When my DH died I found it hard to use our bedroom, a year after he died I redecorated and bought new bed linen and curtains and it became 'my' bedroom instead. When you are ready you might it helpful to do the same. I also found a new interest by volunteering - this is something you might want to think about doing later too. Take comfort from the fact that your DH is happy and comfortable in his new home and he is being well cared for. Time for you to take a break and recover.

Don’t be too hard on yourself! You’re going through a grieving process for the “loss” of your husband. As whilst he is still here the life you both had at home has gone. Be kind to yourself as if you had suffered a death, and it will pass. Xxxxx

It is natural that now you will grieve.
Give yourself time and also when you can be kind to yourself.

You have been through trauma and you made sure that your DH is ok.
You have done so much and now you need to rest and recover.

You are going through a grief process, so be kind to yourself. Join the Carers UK forum too, lots of people understand what you are going through.
Have SSD done a formal financial assessment?
You should not pay ANYTHING until they have!
I have had many fights with SSD, and reclaimed £8,000 unlawfully charged!!

When my mother died the priest said "the mind copes but the body takes the strain". He told me to rest, take time off work and relax. We keep going on and on and it's when we stop that we get ill. Remind yourself that you did your best for him and enjoy visiting him. Hope the financial side of things get sorted.

Lucky girl you remind me of clients I had in the past. They worked very hard with lots of responsibilities and when they got an annual holiday as sure as God made green apples they got sick! They spent two weeks with flu, stomach, infections then went back to work! I was life coaching so I figured we had to take de- stress and detox much more seriously ! So they could actually have a holiday! Not a detox! It might not be so easy to switch from looking after someone else to looking after yourself - many of us go oh what’s the point when it’s us we’re looking after !!! It takes time to figure what your needs are ! Rest, sleep , healthy food and cooking , seaside ( I’m serious) friends , a dog, a horse, travel or weekend away, DVDs , flowers, music, plants, spa, heat , holiday , knitting , writing, sorting photo albums, grieving the past, remembering the past journaling , reading books, countryside nature trees and wind, snow , my list as you can see is endless !!! I look after others for a job so I had no choice but to look after myself !!! Even though I have a husband I like to look after myself as he does too. You might feel rubbish for a bit but it will pass. Inshalla. Big hug for being so kind and doing your best for your hubby and seeing him to a safe comfortable place. Time to be as kind and do your best for you! Hope you get the money to ease the transition. X

Of course you are. This is normal. You have kept going, being strong and reliable and doing what needs to be done. You can't do that without sidelining some things. Now it is largely out of your hands. he is somewhere safe, looked after and you have gone CRASH! Of course. You need time to rest, refuel, come to terms, all of that. Just do whatever your body and mind wants and needs from you. Let it all heal and recuperate and you will be ok.

My story is different but the result was the same.

One year after marriage my husband was diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. Life had been difficult. I was miserable. I wanted to leave but how could a leave a man who was so ill? My son was weeks old.

During the following years my husband could not keep a job. He also had no interest or ability to be a responsible and caring husband or father. After 22 years of misery I was practically broken. I had raised my son single handedly while looking after my h who spent around 23 hours per day in bed. I recall once paintings bedroom ceiling while he was in bed 'sleeping'.

Enough. I said I wanted to seoarate. He went and stayed with his father. I prepared the house for sales alone. My son started his first year in uni. I moved house...... Buying a small house with the result from the sale. Everyone was settled. I went from part time work to full time with the same company.

Three months later I was sat in the doctor's office crying my eyes out.

Dr said I had been strong for so long being a carer, then getting a home sorted for myself and son.. Now I could relax....... And also grieve for what should have been. Which meant my body and mind called for the attention it had not got over the years. It needed a break.

And so I started a low dose of antidepressants and allowed myself to be sad. Gradually I stopped feeling guilty at leaving my h. life got better gradually.

I hadn't known how to take care of myself. For the first time in 22 years i had peace but didn't know how to deal with it.

Gradually I got better and life became good again.

Please do what everyone has advised. Allow yourself time. You did not make your choices lightly.
You eventually will be ok.

Ah, I feel for you. I am disabled and rely on hubby and carers for so much. One day I may become a guest of a care home.
But what I wonder if why you are feeling so low, is because you are grieving for the marriage.....I feel I have lost mine too...it isn't as I had hoped retirement would be.

We had such plans for what we`d do together.

Now everything seems to revolve round my disability. Hubby has aged recently and is struggling. I suggest days out for us together and he isn't interested. Just wants carers to take me out or away, so he can rest.

I`m glad to see your GP has checked your health. You need to go through a journey. Best wishes

Deedaa

You are worn out, years of stress take a physical toll on our adrenal glands. Take a look at Adrenal Fatigue . I suspect its the culprit. It affects energy and emotions big time. I went through similar experience and bounced back with diet & b12.
I hope youve got good people in your life to support you.
Look at the adrenal diet B12 injections talk to a counsellor.
So sorry youve been separated from your DH. It will get better in time.

Dear Luckygirl, I do feel for you, I think you need to speak to someone like Cruse or the Samaritans, it's like you are grieving for the life you had before your DH became ill. I know how that feels. You probably feel guilty, sad - devastated and wonder what's the point. Please seek help. I pray you will eventually get the peace in your head that you deserve.

sending love and kind thoughts to you. I agree with you all the struggling with funding etc. is awful, makes the whole thing worse.

have you got a carers support organisation near you that could guide you through all the paperwork etc. they will take a lot off your shoulders and then you can concentrate more on yourself and your dear husband.
bless you. x

Thank you so much everyone.

Being a carer had just become a complete way of life with me; all the time waiting for his buzzer; thinking of ways to make him comfortable; battling with care agencies etc. Just filled so much of my time and my emotions - although I did organise care so that I could still be a school governor and choir leader - I knew that without those things I would have sunk without trace.

I have been on one track for so long that it is hard to adapt to a new way of life, and a new way of being a wife and partner. I know I will get there in the end; and the support and kindness of this thread have truly helped me along that journey. Thank you all so much. I have been doing a bit of resting!

I’m so sorry Luckygirl what you’ve been through and everyone has been marvellous with the right advice regarding resting, taking care of you now, time etc. But I would like to add that I have had 3 awful years of fighting social services trying to get out of paying for my mother in care. I know how ill it makes you, trust me, we had a horrific time but ours was complicated. Please please get the support of age concern who will put you in touch of an appropriate solicitor who can help you fight these vile horrible human beings! I’m sorry if everyone on here thinks social services are great and don’t want to start a riot but in my own experience they are awful, and do not give a fig about the feelings of the people they trample all over whilst trying to get their own way and invading your life with their utter nosiness and contempt, trying their hardest to avoid paying any care money at all! They will tear you down, give you conflicting news, lie to you and drag you down if you try to deal with them on your own. Age concern will get you half an hour free with the appropriate solicitor who deals with social services and tell you about continuous funding if you are entitled to it or help you with advice if your not. Let the solicitor deal with them, it’s a lot easier and takes the weight off your shoulders. Take care, be strong and very firm with them. Look after you, it will take a while to adjust to your new circumstances, perphaps there is a local mindfulness class near you or maybe get together with a friend now and then for lunch, cinema etc to give your mind a couple of hours break from all the stress?

I think you are suffering a form of bereavement you have tried your best to nurse your husband and no doubt did your very best. Now he is in a nursing home and no longer at home with you so it’s only natural to have the feeling of loss. It takes time to adjust to the change of circumstances. When your husband was at home he was the reason you were motivated to get out of bed in the mornings. As time moves on and you adjust I think your motivation will return. Best wishes. X

Ironically I was a social worker with brain-damaged adults for many years. I resigned in the end as I was no longer able to help and support people, but had simply become a financial gatekeeper. I moved on to a new career.

Watching these processes playing out is painful for me, not just because of my concern for my OH, but also because it is so sad to see these poor social workers doing what in the end I refused to do - filling in forms, distressing people by making them go over their deficits ad nauseam, and playing the bureaucratic game - when I was first a social worker, I really do believe that people benefited from what I was doing for them. I could not have done it otherwise. It is so very different now, in adult services at least.

I went to see OH today and he said the SW had been in a couple of days ago and he had had to sign something - I was not there, nor any member of staff as far as I know - and he did not know what it was he had signed. Another problem to grapple with tomorrow.

Lucky, I can't improve on all the advice you've been given here and I hope that you have found something to help you through such a difficult period. As for me, I'd like nothing better than to be able to give you a ((((hug))) and I hope you have someone who will do just that.

Everything that Goldenage said, a page or two back. I would read it....and read it again. The body and mind cannot be separated. You will slowly feel better. The physical symptoms can be unexpected, and worrying, but in time, they will improve. Be gentle with yourself. You are grieving as well as everything else. You have done so much with scant thought for your own wellbeing....that’s how life is sometimes....now, take some time for yourself. Know that you may feel awful but it will slowly change for the better.?

Sometimes just getting through the next five minutes is easier than trying to get through the day Each five minutes is a small triumph. You will 'get there' in the end.
There was an inspirational phrase in the Sunday Times magazine today. "If you really loved yourself, what would you do?"
Perhaps treating yourself with the respect, love and kindness that you deserve having coped with such a traumatic time and asking for the strength to help you come to terms with this huge change in your life.

My thoughts are with you and I can only agree with ' the tank is empty ' statement. You have given every effort and sometimes it is when you stand still you fall over.
You gave everything you possibly could. It is now time to care for yourself, with love and kindness. Best wishes to you.