Letting go

Polly I think it depends what stage in life your AC are at. I worried a great deal about my DD until she settled down aged 36 as she was so unhappy. Once they are settled and just experiencing life’s normal ups and downs I think you have no need to worry.

Mine now worry more about us.

Eglantine

I know what you mean, what do I know?
I’m always very loathe to dish out too much advice, even when asked.

Having spent most of my own life getting it wrong, I wouldn’t dare to think I could solve anybody else’s problems.?

I too want my children to be “happy”, but real life isn’t a constant happy bubble.
Happiness comes in bursts, and most of life is a mixture of different emotions.
I want my AC and my GC to be healthy, reasonably content with their lot, and to make the best of what life offers them.
If I can help I will, but mostly it’s up to them.

It seems the worry for my three adult children and their families is situational. When they are not settled, or going through a rough relationship, or their own job stress I have laid awake at night fretting about them. Couldn't help myself.

But some situations just need to work themselves out, and sometimes your children need you and your advice, or time, or babysitting services. There were times when one son needed a bit of a shaking (not literally, but I was tempted) to get his act together. You can only do so much and I try to not let it keep me up at night.

Helping them to help themselves is the goal for us. They are all very capable young adults with good partners. I think we are always learning, and hopefully the advice from us older parents with more life experience is taken into consideration.

Yes!!

Urmstongran have you posted on the wrong thread?

I suppose that I'm just not given to worry. They are all adults and seem to worry about me far more than the other way round. Spot on Gonegirl, our job is over!

Western thinking (and World view) is basically problem solving. It often goes too far that way - into overdrive.

Adopt the eastern way of thinking about life. It's a journey and experience to savour (not a set of puzzles to be solved or fixed). By all means help when you can but don't anticipate problems!

Mine seem far more concerned about me than I am about them! They are middle-aged men with their own families and their own problems. Their lives are in their own hands, though many years ago, they were sometimes in need of my support.

Maybe I’m too soft but I’d have to offer some help. Hopefully cautiously and asking my daughter what she thought might be best.

I enjoy my life very much and would feel guilty toddling along, zen-like, knowing one of mine was struggling. If I can help, I do.

The offer of a cleaner for a while sounds like a plan. Explain to the daughter it’s to give her breathing space.

Perhaps babysit after suggesting they go out on their own to really talk things through.

Every little helps!

A woman after my own heart Gonegirl ?

I brought my children up to be independent which they are and we all get on with our own lives. Of course if there are problems I do what I can to help as they do.

Time to cut those apron strings and concentrate on your own Life. The best thing parents can do is to instill independence.

Phoenix… That is very divisive!
My mother isn't dead yet, but I've a strong suspicion that's exactly the plan she's hatching!

You have my sympathy.

I worry, probably more than I should

Phoenix

I worry about all three in different ways, not with one of them can I can relax and think all is fine, but I do accept that they’re grown ups, and make their own choices and mistakes.

I worry about them when they are driving. Also, as I don't like planes, when they are flying. Apart from that I don't worry much except when I know they are unhappy and there's nothing I can do. Just being there to listen and be supportive is what is important. I try to influence them sometimes but not sure they listen. After all, I'm old so what do I know! I seem to have enough problems without worrying about theirs too much. I trust their judgement on the whole.

Yes, I worry at times for their problems ( mainly health related) but try not to let it take over my every waking thought. We can’t be around forever for them, after all.
A case of what will be will be.

Just to add, adult son now seems to feel that I'm excess to requirements, his father, my ex is still adored.

I do not worry at all about my one remaining son. My hateful, divisive mother left all of her considerable estate to him.

He hasn't done a proper days work in years (instead being paid by my mother to do the garden, run errands etc, things I did for years, unpaid and while still working full time) She left me nothing, except a rather nasty letter.

Bitter? You bet!

Gonegirl I couldn't help but laugh at that post.

I worry about one of mine, but that is because there actually is something wrong. I try very hard not to affect me in day to day life e.g. I wont let myself lie awake worrying. I also know there is nothing I can do to make the situation better, so, for the sake of the rest of the family, I don't talk about it much.

I also think it is better if they don't rely on me, probably because my mother died when I was a lot younger than my children are now so I am very aware that one day they will need to manage without me.

I credited my daughter with being intelligent and adult enough to deal with problems.

As a rule, she proved that to be the case, and times when she didn't, I helped out if I could and where I could.

It's constantly on my mind, Polly. We have 4, and they each have a different type of family setup.
Not going into details, but nothing like the old fashioned traditional view of families.
I pray twice every day that they each find peace in their own family. There's no more I can do.
Psalm 133 www.bible.com/bible/1/PSA.133.kjv

I worry about mine a lot. I don't get told things until it's become a huge mountain then it's " Muuum!! " I keep keys , money and clothes ready in case I get one of those calls .