Feeling dismissed.

Sharon62, I noticed a change in personality when my late husband became ill. He was not himself, lost his lovely sense of humour and tended to blame me for all sorts of things. I think it had nothing to do with medication. It was just that he'd lost his health and along with it, his previous identity.

Yes I saw you said “man or woman” as homemakers, but we all know what you meant.

Working outside the home doesn’t absolve one parent of house work or child care.

Apparently homemakers never get a break.

How extremely outdated and misogynistic.

Hithere *So who takes care of homemakers and gives them a well deserved break - vs working hours?
Which schedule do the homemakers have?*

Exactly Hithere! "Homemakers" are just there to service everybody else apparently!!

OP you are doing an amazing job. In terms of your offers of help being turned down, I think your DIL may be just trying to be a mum to her kids; she may well not think about how the rejection feels to you or even be aware of how it might feel.

I do think you need a chat about clearing up the toys ...a bit of honesty about its lovely to have them with you but the toys just left out is difficult for you so could you both discuss the best way to deal with that ...even talk about being nervous of tripping over them and falling which I certainly would be!

As a working mother, neither being in the work place or running the home is easier than the other. All have responsibility to the home and the children while they are within it.

Alexa,

So who takes care of homemakers and gives them a well deserved break - vs working hours?
Which schedule do the homemakers have?

Whoever , man or woman, works outside the home to put food on the table needs to be looked after by the home makers

Farnorth,

You are right.

If that statement comes from anybody else but the wife, it is a very passive aggressive way of undermining their parenting and showing them that they are not raising their kids the right way.

Also, Alexa, that would be interfering in the way that the young family do things.

Exactly, Hithere

It’s so sad how easy it is for women to try to put other women “in their place”

Magical power sorry

Alexa,

That statement is wrong because it is chauvinist and highlights unfair and unrealistic gender roles

1. Daddy has a penis so by working outside the home, he has done his share - no, he also lives in the same home so he has the responsibility to clean up after himself
2. Assumes the mother, who has a vagina, doesn't work.
Sahm is the hardest and most thankless job in the world
3. It elevates dad to a higher position in the home where he doesn't have to do certain tasks as he is "tired" - a huge double standard

How many women work full time and still take care of their kids, homework, dinner, etc?

If a woman can do it, a man can do it too. Vaginas do not give magic power to do it all.

"Let's take the plates to the kitchen, Daddy has been working hard, he will need a rest when he gets home"

That's how I was brought up, to be helpful, What is going on that the children are such hard work?
Esther1 I think you owe it to yourself to keep your bedroom private and child free.. Put a bolt on the door.

Personally I would want to talk about it, it may create an atmosphere no matter how hard you try to hide it. I wouldn't worry about your son after his jobs doing things for the kiddos, it's good bonding time for him and them. We all need to be appreciated, so I would just tell them that and see what they make of it. They might just surprise you

I'm glad you're feeling more positive, Esther.

my DIL saying ‘no, it’s ok’ quite a lot when I offer to help her, say by preparing the childrens’ dinner or taking them out for a walk.

Those are things she does, as a mother.
She probably has a plan, in her head, of what she and her DC are going to do in the day.
Kindly suggestions to do things for her could actually feel quite disruptive.

I think you need to have a conversation with your DiL about how you can all fit together better, while they're staying with you.
Try not to criticise anything they are doing, tho, if you want them to feel welcome.

I really don't see why your son SHOULDN'T take over a bit after he's been at work; they're his children too. Your DIL has been working too - taking care of the children. Surely child-care is a shared activity? Being 'tired' after work will be something your DIL feels too! But yes, as others have said, go out as much as you can. Give them (and you) some space. And although you say you keep smiling and cheery and never criticise, I bet your DIL is getting the gist of it. Good luck - and it's not for long now.

My feelings of being dismissed springs from my DIL saying ‘no, it’s ok’ quite a lot when I offer to help her, say by preparing the childrens’ dinner or taking them out for a walk.

To me, this sounds like she is trying not to put more stress on you. She likely knows how much of an imposition it is that she is at your house and doesn’t want you to have to do more work.

It could also be that she feels a lot of guilt, and wants to do everything herself.

I’m sorry that you were feeling dismissed, but to me it seems as though she is trying to be a good houseguest.

Cannot encourage you enough to bite your tongue. You're doing an amazing job at the moment in very difficult circumstances and deserve a real pat on the back. Try to keep up with the smiles etc as you'll only regret it if you speak your mind - easy to say I know!!!

I did this with my daughter last year. They bought a house which was going to be ready in 2 months so they sold their's and moved in with us. 6 months later they moved out and it was a blessed relief all round. I found it much easier than my DH to keep my mouth shut but after they moved out, I found out from my daughter that there were things about us they found difficult. She's not known for keeping her mouth shut so she did very well to keep it in until she was in her own home. I have to say that when she wanted to move back I was very nervous because she left home in high dudgeon and there were many years of upset on her part. It was nice to think that for 6 months we weren't all that bad!!!

I'm sure the OP found your post really supportive sR69

It's always difficult having people stay with you Esther1 even when they are family. We all have our routines and foibles at home and its hard to put them aside. I would do as Riggie suggests and include your daughter in law in the chores. Take time to enjoy the children though as they grow up so quickly. My grandchildren are all adults now, it doesn't seem possible.

My son in law has a very high pressured job running his own company and goes out at 5.30 every morning .
On return he can't wait to take over playing and bathing and putting their 13 month old to bed . It's sheer pleasure for him.
In the meantime my daughter cooks the evening meal and they sit down together and enjoy. It's what's called being organised!!

It could also be that you and your dil and son have different standards of cleanliness and clutter.

Her priority are her kids, a few dishes can wait a little bit longer than you are willing to.

Clutter can be toys they use daily and are not picked up till the evening when kids go to bed.

Usually, taking kids to park and prepping food for them are parents' tasks for gc.

Dil is being a mother, not doing this to hurt you

Probably a bit late now as patterns are established but I dont think it would be unreasonable of you to ask her to clear the kids clutter up, how about ...."shall I start doing lunch for us all while you and the children do tidy up time?"

sharon62 my late husband also had COPD and lived with full-time oxygen therapy for his last couple of years. I was not aware of any change in background temperament, despite myriad medications. Keep in mind that your husband is likely VERY scared, always being breathless, always feeling you can't get enough air into your lungs, it must be (IS) very distressing. Also, just as he retired, expecting the world to opening up for him. he got a devastating, eventually terminal, diagnosis. He knows it won't get better, only worse. He might need some counselling, he's depressed, maybe? Who wouldn't be? Does he attend a Breathe Easy group? Some hospitals have them, under the auspices of the British Lung Foundation, if you contact the Foundation they'll help you. They'll teach breathing exercises and other useful things. Your husband should also be seeing a specialist nurse, at home, organised by your GP, he/she can give useful suggestions, keep an eye on developments and offer useful support and insights to you. Hope this helps a bit. Good luck!

"My feelings of being dismissed springs from my DIL saying ‘no, it’s ok’ quite a lot when I offer to help her, say by preparing the childrens’ dinner or taking them out for a walk"

Dil is not being dismissive, she just wants to do some things herself and does not need help.