Problem with a man at work

I agree about that "hurting me" remark Unless it was purely a joke? Is that possible?
The OP is not very confident and doesn't seem to read the man very well.
So I wondered if there was a chance it was just a jokey bit of banter?
If he is Not joking then avoid. It is a red flag.

Also OP the important first question is to ask yourself what you feel. Do you want to go out alone with him? eg the suggested concert?
or not?
It is not up to the man to make the decision it is up to you.

Yuk. It's very odd for a work colleagues to infer emotional pain because of your actions. I think you gut feelings are correct and he is creepy.

You say you are looking for other jobs, does he know where you live ? Be sure that you don’t leave with him still believing that there is something between you as otherwise he might turn up at your home.

The trouble is so much of what you have described depends on the way it was said and that makes it difficult. Was he teasing you, flirting or sounding very hurt to manipulate you? I expect if we met him some of us could tell you straight away, others like you wouldn't be sure. As you are unsure in this case I would make it clear you are not interested. The problem with discussing it with other staff is that it will go round the office like wildfire. I hope the job hunting goes well.

Never married, how old is he?
If he's had loads of girlfriends some will have given him the heave ho.
We knew a man whose 3rd wife left him,and his mother said all three cant be in the wrong! This springs to mind with aman who has never married or been in a long term relationship.
How come he's found out all about you?
And you've hurt him?
Red flags +++++++

Run, he sounds to me like a controlling creep

You don't mention how long you have been a widow, he may be afraid it is too early for you to want to date.

To me he sounds shy, so if you like him, why don't you ask him for a cup of coffee after work, or invite him to something where there are lots of people around, an opening of a new exhibition at a museum or art gallery for instance.

If you don't like him, or feel he is stalking you, nip this in the bud, NOW. Have a quiet word with your boss at work, asking him or her to call this man to heel when he hangs around your desk instead of doing his own work. Say that his attentions are making you uncomfortable.

What exactly has he found out about you? If it is only things he could have found out by asking around the office, or reading your Facebook or LinkedIn profiles, if you have them, then there is nothing to worry about.

If you like him, use the fact that he knows a lot about you, say, "You seem to know a lot about me, let's have a cup of coffee after work, so you can tell me all about you"

By unmarried, do you mean he never has been married, or is divorced? At our time of life, it might just be as well to steer clear of a man who has never married, if you want to re-marry, that is, as he probably is not interested in marriage.

Do you like him? Do you enjoy your chats with him or are they more of a pain, interrupting you when you have other things to do? Does he chat to anyone else in the place you work? Depending on what you answer I think you should either suggest meeting (in a public place) for a cup of coffee/tea outside of work hours and see if he turns up or not or if you don't want a relationship with him then stop encouraging him to chat with you - you can do this quite gently by telling him you are very busy at the moment and don't have time to chat.

Never mix work and romance. It is a recipe for a disaster.

As you have such short work hours, just say to him, 'Look, I am only here for 3 hours, I need to concentrate on my work when I am here. I haven't time to chat.'

End of.

I’m in a similar situation to you...

Do you like him - and his personality?

If so, you could say “I’m going for a coffee later, do you want to join me for a quick catchup?”....or something like that...and go somewhere public.....have an end-time or other commitment in mind so you can escape for your “dentist appointment” after an hour or whenever.

In the same situation, I have come to really value a multiple of new simple male friendships like this.....just simple good friends, but nice to have them in my life nonetheless. I help them with things, they help me with technical and difficult things, someone to share problems with, a listening ear, that sort of thing, we all have different life experiences to share and I see my life as better for it.

Don’t let him know where you live though.
And maybe have a list ready of your “other commitments”...your yoga/evening classes/people you visit...

At work maybe just say “I can’t chat this week as I’m working to some business deadlines” or similar?

In my experience of meeting these new male friends I have learnt a huge amount in terms of how nervous, socially anxious and inept at just chatting to women so many men are....so, if you have a good feeling about him as a person, maybe give the chap a chance?

Don’t disclose much about yourself and your personal situation....so you can shut it all down later if you need to.

Even without the romance - it’s great to have friends.

I wouldn't want a friend who I didn't trust enough to know where I live.

I met my husband in an office. He seemed interested etc, left coffees on my desk etc. Eventually after several weeks he asked me if I would like lunch. I eventually asked him is this a date. He awkwardly replied yes, and then said he wasn’t very good at this! We’ve been together 15 years and married eight. He is still the same but a good man. This guy maybe very shy and not sure what to say. If you find him creepy, I would say be aware.

You have mentioned the word creepy....avoid :-(

Sounds like a stalker to me

He sounds as though he might be a bit suffocating and possessive.

I met my husband whilst working in the same office. We'd been working together for 5 years before he plucked up the courage to ask me out! We've been together for 15 years & married for 13, so yes it can work. To the lady with the 'creepy' man - I don't think he's creepy, I think he's just not very good with women. He says he's had a lot of girlfriends? Really? Is that supposed to impress you? If it's true, what went wrong that none of them stuck with him? He just sounds very inexperienced and desperate. Sorry to ask, but would he be interested in you if you were married or in a relationship with someone else, or is it that you're unattached that he thinks he's in with a chance. I don't think he meant you'd really hurt him by not going to the pub, I think he was disappointed and he's just very inept with women. He does sound like hard work though, so I think it's best to avoid getting involved.

This man is not shy he is creepy. He has picked up on your vulnerabilities and your uncertainties about the changing world of 'romance'. As others have said, don't mix work and romance, it rarely ends well these days. Good advice from MOnica about being very clear that you have work to do and don't have time to chat. Set clear boundaries and if he keeps pestering you let him know you will lodge a complaint with HR. You shouldn't feel you need to change work to get rid of this man.

Listen to your gut instinct which is clearly telling you that something is not right with this man's behaviour. You may be feeling you are a bit out of touch but trust your gut instinct, it's still working well. It's always nice to feel flattered by someone's interest but it's much better to feel in control of your life.

I think mixed messages are a no-no. When you are on the same wavelength as someone else - even in the early stages of getting to know them - communication just flows and you are not left scratching your head as to what it may or may not mean, let alone worrying about it.

I don't think I would be taking it any further, he sounds a bit creepy to me to and when someone seems to know more about me than I've told them, then that would make me back off from him even more.

If I avoid him he asks why I am hurting him!

So he's said that more than once. He wants you to feel bad and to try to avoid 'hurting him'.

He's behaving inappropriately all round.
You should stop him from wasting your time when you are meant to be working.
If he mentions the concert again say you'd rather stick to just being colleagues.

You shouldn't change job just to avoid him but you should definitely discourage him from pestering you.

OK, do you want a relationship or friendship with him? If not, then tell him to back off. He does sound creepy and pushy. Be firm with him and if he doesn't back away then speak to your boss. I just hope he doesn't know where you live. If he does turn up at your house then he is a dangerous stalker and the police must be informed. Take care and let us know what happens next.

Also, he says he has had lots of girlfriends! Then why is he so alone? I found I was attracting some weird kind of men when I was a single mum. Be firm and get on with your work. Tell him to buggar off! Xx

Sounds a little scary to me. If he is like this before you have a relationship then what is he going to be like when you do. Checking up on you, feeling hurt when you don't want to see him - he doesn't have these rights! There is a fine line between getting to know him better and he thinking that you have led him on if nothing becomes of it. I would steer clear!

Thanks for all your sound advice. I trust gransnetters because you can see what is going on. Whereas I'm too close to the situation and so can't make sense of it. I'm going to stay clear of creepy. My husband was a lovely man who died suddenly with no warning of a sudden cardiac arrest. This happened 15 months ago and I will always love him. Thanks to you all from saving me from a potential messy situation. Creepy is 58 years old and is abit of a loner I feel.

I absolutely think you're doing the right thing, seastar, and I'm so sorry to hear about your husband.

I think creepy is a great name for the office loner.