Laziness

Here’s what a friend of mine did. She bagged up all the flotsam and jetsam into black bags, mixing the contents; i.e not all sports stuff or dirty laundry together. Then put them under lock and key, and say nothing. When he asks, sell him back a bag at a time, say £1 or £2. If he doesn’t get the stuff he needs, he’ll need to buy another bag. After a certain period, off to the charity shop with the unsold bags.
Your house, your rules.

I remember telling DD1 that everything on the floor at the end of each day was going to be confiscated and she would have to pay to get things back. It worked!
I wish you luck!

I remember my daughter aged 12 being like this. My DH went in her room and bagged everything into black bags and he dumped the lot, clothes/kindle no matter what he chucked it and refused to replace it. She is now the tidyist and most careful person I know aged 25. You have to do it OP he sounds very entitled and you are producing a shit husband for someone.

When I think back, I was probably like him - my room got into an awful mess. Since having a whole house to keep in order, I have realised that I am sort of OCD. I need to know that I have a day or a half day free and can do the job from start to finish without interruption. Also, I need a plan, preferably written, which gives me a system to work to.

This may be his problem, but I may just be weird.

Firstly, though, he needs to want the place tidy. And he needs to learn to see that doing everything immediately takes far less time than letting it mount up.

Would he cope, for a start, with tiny little tasks? Ask him to sort the washing, but give him a time limit (not more than 5 minutes). Try to suppress the temptation to compare that use of his time with 5 mins spent watching TV or similar.

(This is probably more about me than him)

As I said, he must WANT to help you and clean up. Some brainwashing or bribing may be necessary at first.

He is growing out of childhood and wanting to become an adult, or will be soon. If he wants to be treated like an adult, he must behave like one.

If there is no way you can persuade him to change his ways, just live in hope that it is a phase that will pass.

He will learn from your example rather than anything you say, although it might take a while.

My mother used to say "What did your last servant die of?"

And no you are not there to tidy up after him. Be firm. Have rules..

Best of luck.

Paddyann

I did a similar thing with one of my daughters when I couldn’t stand it anymore, I started chucking stuff out of the window, but as fast as I was throwing it out, her brother, who hated upset, was running down and bringing it back!

On a serious note, MissAdventure, you have my sympathy, I often have my grandchildren staying, two of them are here now, and I can’t bear the mess! But at least they go home, it must drive you around the bend.

missadventure there is hope... when he leaves home My son was dreadful until he got his own home now he is a total minimalist with not a thing out of place anywhere, he married a lovely clean freak bit OCD girl 22 years ago she did what I couldn’t (can’t think what the difference was)
Oh life’s too short I think and it’s normal

you could just guilt trip him ,by crying and telling him how disappointed you are in him.If all else fails that always worked with my daughter.By the way she is the tidiest person alive now even though she is bedridden much of the time by illness.We have the closest relationship too.So all the yelling and chucking out her favourite things didn't ruin our relationship.She does threaten her girls with me though as her last resort because she tells them daftgranny is old school and wont take nonsense ...lol

Well, I feel a bit better for being able to get it off my chest, so thanks all.

It's nice to be reminded that its fairly common.

I shall just have to think up more cruel and unusual punishments.

I feel your pain, MissA. My DD2 was the most untidy, disorganised person imaginable. I managed to make her confine the mess to her bedroom (by constant nagging) and shut the door on the chaos, as paddyann suggests. Unfortunately she shared that room with DD1, who has always been super organised and neat. It led to some interesting, ahem, disagreements. And a line of masking tape right down the middle of the room, that she was forbidden to cross on pain of death.

She has changed.

Yes, I've had the food and wrappers under the bed, too, paddy.
I do seem to have got on top of that problem, though I think it involved tipping him out of the bed and onto the floor!
We now have a bin which he sometimes even manages to put rubbish into.

Well, he needs school tie, blazer, trousers, shirts, rugby shirt, rugby shorts, normal indoor pe shorts, football boots, white pe socks, black outdoor pe socks, school shoes, soft pe trainers, school jumper, outdoor coat, rucksack containing 2 rulers, one scientific calculator, 3 black pens, 2 blue pens, compass.. that's just for school!

MissAdventure

Less stuff = less stuff to cart about from room to room.

Pack up all but the essentials. Just how many changes of clothes does he need? 2-3.
Pack the rest. Same applies to toys and magazine and anything else lying about. Become a minimalist to save your sanity

Like all young people, he should have been taught from an early age to do his own clearing up and as long as you continue to do it and plead that you don't like untidyness as an excuse, he won't learn. What sort of adult will that make him?

Start now, you'll be doing him a favour. Not to mention any future partners.

Iknow its hard ,my daughter hates her sons mess,she has OCD can you just get a big box and chuck all the things that he leaves at his bum into it .Many years ago I put my daughters mess in a bin bag and threw it out her bedroom window...to the amusement of my next door neighbour.It didn't stop her making a mess but it did show her if she wanted to keep her things she had to put them away .Then we had food hidden under the bed so the legs were taken off it ,Believe me I've been there and I still think if theres a different way of dealing with it other than shouting..which never works in my opinion, then you should try it.Good luck with him pre puberty is a tough old time on both of you

I do all of those things, I'm no pushover.

It just constantly has to mean me losing my temper (which is quite scary!) and its ok for a day at most, then it starts again.

Don't let him off. Get tough. Ignore the crying. Tell him to grow up.

Write out a list of house rules? Put copies around the flat?

"If it's on the floor pick it up"
If it's clean put it in the drawer.
If it's dirty put it in the washing machine.
Be considerate.
Take responsibility for your own stuff."

(You can buy notices like that in Next, but it's probably best to write it out yourself.

And nag.

Does he have pocket money MissA? If so, could you tell him that, unless he starts pulling his weight and tidying up after himself, you'll deduct ?% from it?

Sadly not.
I may have to move out myself at this rate, into a nice clean cardboard box.

Ah. Perhaps not chuck him out then.

Is he of a chuckoutable age?

He's 11.

Can I ask his age?

All I ever do when not at work is cart stuff from room to room, putting it away, putting it in the wash, picking it up off the floor - that seems to be my entire life these days!

Yes, there is hope, but in the meantime living in a mess can be psychologically damaging, and I don't mean to sound too dramatic here. If you are working, it is nice to come home to a relatively tidy, organised house - it helps to calm you. I bought a dishwasher as my 2 teenage children left dirty dishes in the sink, so if the dishes were out of sight the kitchen was relatively tidy. You can do without the stress that untidiness creates.