If this blooming carer....

As she’s going in two days why worry just let’s her shot gun away and say yes and no and sorry I ve got to do so and so now and leave her talking to herself it takes two to make a conversation and one to end it
Good luck with the new Carer who I hope is neither the silent nor the constant drivel talker

.... you have enough to cope with, without being welcoming and kind. I'm sure you are a fair employer and the person has a nice , clean room. Anything else, really is their business.

I'd hate to be in your employ Less

The next poor girl is likely to be verbally racially abused, the least Lucky can do to mitigate that should it happen is to be welcoming and kind.

riverwalk I have no doubt that luckygirl is a very kind and welcoming person but she has a lot on her plate. When you are at your wits end coping with your own life and all it’s problems then it is not surprising that you don’t have anything left to give to anyone else. Having said all that, I think luckygirl is someone who (in less stressful times) has a good sense of humour and I read in her OP a bit of jokey exasperation not unkindness or thoughtlessness.

"the poor girl" is an employee. I'm sorry but I feel in the interested of self preservation ,Lucky has to be firm from the outset. The employee has a nice room, pay, access to the facilities.

It is not down to Lucky to care for her and listen to tales about bodily functions.

Regarding the race issue, it's a very very tricky one.

Indeed jura - it has confused me too!!!

It is hard to describe what sort of relationship I would like with the new carer - and it is worth me giving that serious thought - before Saturday!

We do not live in a mansion, so the carer is very much on top of us, and we on top of her. We have only the one spare bedroom, and that is where she sleeps, and I share the bathroom with her. We also have only one reception room - a long lounge/diner, so if the carer wants to be somewhere other than her bedroom (which is an entirely reasonable want) this is the only space other than the garden.

It is a strange situation to be in and one that seems to vary depending on the personality of the carer. She is a stranger in my house; and I am as stranger to her.

I think there is a need to strike some sort of balance between being friendly and being businesslike; and this is not something I have previously had to do in my own home.

It is an anomalous situation as usually a live-in carer is in the house with just the client; and if there is a couple, then she is carer to them both. It is hard for the carer to adapt to that. Normally they would be "in control" of the house routines like cooking etc. in their role as carer, but with me here it is not possible for that to be the situation - she has to fit round me and how I do things.

Things have gone OK with all 3 carers in their own different ways - some easier than others. And I recognise that it is not easy for the carer. I cannot ignore the carer when they come into the room, even if I am busy with something else.

One ting that none of the carers has grasped easily is that when I am watching the proms it is not as background music!!!

Sometimes there are meetups for au pairs. I know this is a completely different set up but maybe if the carer had friends and a social life it might help all concerned?

I can’t imagine how hard it must be to have no real privacy in your own home. You describe a circumstance which may well be ours in time, and your acceptance of it is amazing. Not sure I will behave as well. I think of you often and do hope the new career is something of a kindred spirit as well as a really skilled and sympathetic career.

I've often had the impression you were quite mad anyway Luckygirl but hold on to what's left of your sangfroid until Saturday.

Rufus2's idea was a pretty good one. During all your attempts to find a carer via your agency, no one ever suggested that. It might be better for our OH too.

I thought you said she was quite reticent and only came out of her room to see to your husband, in fact I know you wrote that she was most uncommunicative.
Can this be the same person?

Bradford - mad! Moi?

GabriellaG54 - you are right - it is as if someone has turned a switch! I am unable to find the Off switch!

She is not at all professional. I have been a care manager for many years
Way to personalised of her.

Indeed.

I wonder if there is anyone out there on Gransnet who has a actually worked as a live-in carer. I might pursue that - it would be good to get the other side of the coin.

How about that old stalwart the headache!

I thought that was only for the bedroom!

If she is there as a carer, can't you get out, go shopping, long walk or something. You need breaks.

Yes I have worked as a live in carer doing holiday relief work while the regular carer was away. This carer should not be sharing her personal details with you. I only shared the fact that I was married with 3 kids, how long I had been doing the job, town I lived in and that's it. Was always friendly but professional, welcomed visitors with tea or coffee then retreated to my room. Gave family privacy but on hand if they needed anything. Was offered several permanent jobs but that was not for me. Her personal life should not be shared with you it's a business client relationships not family and friends.

I sympathise. It must be difficult having strangers coming into your home for these periods of time and having no say as to who is coming. I would find that very challenging. To maintain my own equilibrium I would be polite but not engage other than with what is absolutely necessary. I would make the carers space very well defined and comfy and welcoming and point it out to her calmly. And I would make my own space private and also point that out and that can be done by your actions as well as speaking. If you have very firm boundaries at the very start both you and she will feel safe. Remember she too is in a strange situation and she may need you to give her guidelines within your home. You can say things like. I need to get on. I have things I need to do. I’m tired today and not up to chatting etc. Sounds like she’s made the right decision to stop being a carer and hopefully a new one will be more sensitive and it’s an opportunity to set your boundaries at the start. I agree with the idea of a few therapy sessions for support. I know there are also organisations that support people in your situation. In the immediate moment go for a drive and scream, thump a cushion etc ie.. let it out. Good luck.

Luckygirl as you say you are in a very difficult situation having to share bathroom and lving area with your husbands live in carer. Are you recruiting these darers directly off the internet or does and agency send them to you? If an agency is sending them then you should discuss the arrangements and behaviours you want with the manager sending the staff out.

Sounds like you need a good carer, with excellent skills, who is an introvert and loves reading books or doing cross words, or jigsaw puzzles etc.

Good luck.

That's just the way that some people are and they often have low self esteem.
Maybe most of the people that she cares for are on their own so enjoy her chatter.
There is no easy way without being rude,unless you quietly explain that your DH (even if it's not quite true) , prefers a quiet house, or that you like to wake up slowly and quietly in the mornings and can't handle too much noise until about lunchtime ?

Pick up a book and pretend to read. And ensure she takes all her gear when she goes - no excuse to return.

Oh dear Luckygirl. I do feel for you. Regrettably, due to arrangements within your home, you have to share a huge amount of your personal space so getting the 'right' sort of person who understands boundaries is crucial for your own health, as well as her knowing what's expected.
After retirement, I did work privately and for Swindon CC but it was sometimes stressful even though the homes were large enough to afford a live in suite of rooms.
It can often be like treading on eggshells unless duties and expectations are very clearly defined and adhered to on both sides.
Frankly, I was glad to just do driving and shopping but principals often ignore your time off.

I would be concerned about a carer that lived from job to job and was now going to be homeless until deciding what to do next.
I would want someone who was dedicated and respectful of employer's space.
We have someone in our extended family that is a carer, she looks after young people in their own homes. I was horrified to hear that she didn't "do old people". you may prefer certain types of work but to voice your disgust.

This reminds me of a girl who stayed with us when we were just married. She talked and talked. The funniest time was when I went to the loo. She stood outside and kept on talking! I've lost touch with her now. She was a nice girl but my goodness she talked.

I would tell her I don't appreciate any conversation before 11 a.m and at any time of day I find people talking just for the sake of it hard to bear.

If she has anything of real interest to tell or ask you will gladly listen, but you appreciate peace and quiet in your own home.

As she is leaving on Saturday, it really does not matter if you offend her, and she might just learn something that avoids her next client going batty.

Maybe you are all she has to talk to.