Making New Friends

Same for me, Gillybob

Gillybob i am the same as you. No friends or family. It can be lonely but i do puzzles read and spend time sorting through all the clutter that surrounds me like a security blanket. When thats gone i dont know how i will feel or what i will do. Cyclingsenior be thankful you are not me

Gillybob. Really hope to see you then.
Stella. Its on 30th August in John Lewis coffee shop in Newcastle.
Im going to put a yellow handbag on the table so you know its me/ us.
Please please come along folks so that im not sitting there like Billy no mates !!!!
Hoping we can have a chat and a laugh.

I was relieved to see this very honest post. I’m in a similar position and have acquaintances rather than a lot of friends, I hope things improve for you cyclingsenior or that you can learn to accept the situation? I have to say that nearly all the posts in reply have been really empathetic but I honestly don’t see the point of the odd post which pretty much says “ look at me I’ve got loads of friends “ and offers no helpful suggestion! Just saying?

It works on my Samsung smartphone

Yes it can be difficult when you feel that you have no real friends. I previously posted a thread about how some friends walked away when my Husband became ill. Being part of the WI and other social groups helps but has not led to friendships outside the group. Like Anja I have found that those who pushed to be friends were needy people whose only interest was themselves! Luckily we do still have some friends who stay in touch but mainly these days people we know are more acquaintances than friends. It just seems to be an inevitable part of growing older and accepting that lives change over the years. We had some great times with these friends over the years and look back with fondness rather than regret.

Accents shouldn't make any difference. I value good conversations and experience over anything else and I've never been part of a girl's club. Too independent I guess and until recently, always working.

My sister (who lives overseas) and I have always been the ones to put on the big dinners, parties etc as coming from a large family, we always had big foodie events with lots of people about. However, she and I did note that it's not something everyone does, so we were very rarely invited back. Some say its because others felt intimidated by us, but we thought they felt inadequate at entertaining and cooking generally. Pity because at the end of the day, company is what we all need and who cares if the casserole was burnt. Life is not that petty...

I am 69 and my husband 70. Most of our acquaintances live elsewhere now so we feel very much on our own. We have moved to an area which has a great cultural scene and mix of people. Once we settle, I hope to join things and meet new people our age - if not, then I will do what I did as a young child, paint, and amuse myself in other ways. And make the most of having a husband around.

If you were such a horrible person I don’t think your friend would keep coming round for tea. She doesn’t have to ask you, in order to keep the friendship going because you ask her. The other person she perhaps had to ask in order to be friends with her. I wouldn’t invite all my friends at the same time as they are all sorts of different people who wouldn’t necessarily get on together. On the other hand she may not be a very nice person and you could stop asking her and write her off if she doesn’t get in touch. However if she is used to you asking, she may just think you have dropped her. You need to ask yourself is she worth you being the one to ask or is the hurt not worth it to you. You can make choices here. If assertive is in the middle between being aggressive on the one hand or a push over and/or passive aggressive on the other hand, it is good way to be and should make you easier to get on with. There is a difference between being assertive and being thoughtless about other people’s feelings though. I can fall into the latter. And have had to pay the price. We can try our best but none of us in perfect. Not everybody will like us. Nor do we have to be perfect to be good enough to be someone’s friend. There are maybe many, many reasons why someone doesn’t make friends with you that are to do with them not you. I have been in these groups of women having tea together in the cafe and you don’t know whether they are really such great friends or not. Some may be bores. Two may dislike each other. They may not go on meeting. Keep trying. Having friends is something you need to be always working at because life is full of change. Good luck.

Two of my closest friends have recently moved away. I realised only a few days ago that I don't seem to have anyone now to have coffee with, shop, do day trips etc. Then by coincidence I had a newsletter from my local U3A. Someone has suggested starting a group for people in the same position and naming it WALT? (would anyone like to?). It would be a circle of people who have each other's emails and just put out suggestions, such as 'would anyone like to meet for coffee, see a film, go fishing, take a day trip' etc. so that no- one has to do anything alone. I thought it was a great idea and I shall definitely join.

I have always made friends easily and recently I have discovered how many true friends I have. I am shocked Lucy that your best friend walked away when you had your diagnosis. I have had so much support from all my friends both near and far and I find it invaluable. I need to chew over things with girl friends. I am happily married but it is easier speaking about things to other girls I find as they understand but do not try to find a solution.
I have never gone out looking for friends but seem to have accumulated them. I love walking into town and bumping into people, having coffee with friends, going for walks etc.
When we moved here 20 years ago I joined NWR. When I lived in Holland I actually started a group for English speaking girls having babies over there. I also made and still have many Dutch friends.
I am an only child so no sisters.

Lucy127 that is horrific behaviour! Loads of us have been called on to stand by friends when it was difficult for us but we decided we just had to do it. How sad that your friend was one of the people who didn't understand commitment.

Please look up the MEETUP organisation. Potential to meet women friends on there for you.ie bookclubs.afternoon tea.walks.coffee
etc etc.

If you are retired the U3A or WI is a good way to make friends. I regularly play Rummikub with 2 separate groups.

I phone one friend and arrange to meet her at the local Garden Centre for coffee and a look around.

I have 3 friends who are all widows I ask them up for coffee or tea and they always seem happy to have an invite. One of them and I have started going out together for supper it’s great. My DH is happy to be left and I always make sure he has a nice supper to eat whilst watching the tv.

I find I need to be pro active and be the organiser. I occasionally suggest to a few WI members a cream tea at an NT property or garden centre that always goes down well.

If anyone messes me about or is unreliable I don’t contact them.

I’ve met some lovely ladies through GN.

I read a lot but not all so apologies if already suggested. They do have a common thread. How about branching out with a Coffee & Chat meet ups if local or nearby. I too lost friends when life turned upside down when divorced and worse. But I was working and had great colleagues. My long standing best friend walked away from me when diagnosed with cancer. Dropped off short note but it was too much for her. I would love to meet similar gran for face to face. Especially now I’m retired. After that, well that’s to be seen. How it would be set up I don’t know.

I have small circle of friends , and to be honest that’s how I like it, I find a lot of women are in competition with each other which drives me bonkers, I’m soo not like that, I’m not interested it that, and so many can be two faced not saying men aren’t too lol. I am quite a confident person, but apart from my friends I’ve had for years, and hope it doesn’t sound bad I’m not really interested in making other friends, I love my own company , but I will say I keep in touch with my friends via WhatsApp everyday but meet occasionally

I am amazed this topic was brought up and that so many people have responded with the same feelings! I have experienced these feelings of rejection for most of my life, but kept trying to be friendlier, do more, etc., trying to win the kind of friendships others get effortlessly. I finally gave up and have just accepted my situation, but I, too, am envious of others' good relationships. That is embarrassing to admit! It is lonely, sometimes, but when I was trying to pursue friends, it was too hurtful when I felt used or was just a sounding board for them. I guess it is comforting to know there are lots of others who struggle with this.

If you have friend don't tell that friend too much
For if that friend should turn to foe
All your business the world will know

Have been let down a number times. Friendship can so often be one sided unless you are so lucky. Have decided my own company is fine for me

It is harder to make friends it seems since our sons are grown and no more school events and sports. Lessismore-I made a great friend when we met in a supermarket parking lot. We chatted about our mutual college (license plates ) and this great lady asked if she could get my number. We joke about the fact she "picked me up" ar the grocery store! Be brave!

Think we have to define 'friend' here. I would suggest bosom buddies, friends and lastly acquaintances. My favourite indulgence is lunching out and I participate with all of the above categories. Great fun and highly enjoyable. I became aware that it was always me who originated the meetings and decided to remedy this by stating so with the people involved. The result was a thinning out of sorts but, happily, most responded positively. Whew! I had the pleasure of celebrating 60 years of meeting with my pal in London a few weeks ago. Terrific. I have a lot of pleasure (and a personal challenge) trying to mutually upgrade an acq to a friend. As someone previously said, this takes attention (but not too much too soon) and can be well worth the effort. It has worked for me and I have four ladies currently targeted but they have no idea and it has to become mutual, of course. Life is good indeed and much of that is attributed to the lovely people in my life already.

I have ONE friend. We have been friends for nearly 50 years and still see each other at least once a week. My DH always says friends are a luxury because it takes a substantial investment in time and energy to afford friends. If you really need them, by all means, invest in them. If you don't it is a luxury you can't afford.

I have one girlfriend. I'd like more, but it doesn't happen for me.

I had an elderly aunt (now gone) who ended up very isolated. She was proud to call herself "assertive" but the rest of us would have called her blunt and downright rude. She had lost countless friends over the years. She tried doing voluntary work but she didnt't make any friends through it (one of her posts was working in a charity shop for 10 years and no-one kept in touch with her when she had to leave due to ill health). I think it's really important to be self-reflective - just how "assertive" are you? What do you add to a social group? Why would someone want to be your friend? Are you being insensitive, perhaps? If you don't tackle this basic question honestly, I fear that whatever you try to do, the result will be the same (sorry).

Are you still coming to the Newcastle meet up on 30th ?

Oh I sincerely hope so Diane227 .

Things family have a terrible habit of throwing things at me at the last minute, but so far so good. I'm really looking forward to it .

I found this thread very interesting and am so glad people opened up and described many of the feelings I experience. Yes, despite being a rather assertive person I have had many friends over the years, but really think of most as acquaintances with a common interest. Major changes in life have brought about the loss of friends (such as moving home and retirement) and the start of new friendships/acquaintances. However, generally I have had only two truly good friends, one who is now severely disabled by health conditions, and my one dearest friend who recently died from cancer. I miss her terribly as she was the one with whom I shared all my true worries/happiness as she did with me. It left me feeling friendless as the first friend now only uses me to provide help she needs. This thread made me reflect on past friendships and realise that most of them revolved around how useful I could be at the time. However, I try to fill the missing ‘friendships ‘ by joining groups such as U3A doing hobbies I enjoy. This is very helpful, and when feeling ‘left out’ take myself into the garden and put everything to rights whilst weeding! Very therapeutic!
Gransnet is great for allowing us a platform to open up in an anonymous way - long may it continue!

I only have one friend, but she is local and we do get together almost every week for tea and cakes, as well as message in between times. She has several other friends, but I've not really bothered to make any other friends for myself. I am just so horrendously lazy sometimes I shock myself.