Making New Friends

Abuelamia - thank you for Lets Ride tip ; I had no idea of that site

Tangerine - Yes I know about Meet Up and am still debating with myself if I will start a cycling group. There's loads of groups already established I'd like to tap into but not here!.

NannyJan53 thank you U3A.. Didn't know about them either.

Margaux - you're so right and I agree I have family. I'm very lucky.

CyclingSenior your post struck a real chord with me, especially the 'assertive versus aggressive' part.

I'm a forthright person, though that does not mean rude. It means if I am asked, I tell the truth. I don't say one thing to someone's face and another behind their back.

The trouble is, most people are not like that. They may say they want the truth, they may say they are honest but when it comes down to it they're flim-flam merchants.

They are not the ones who are prepared to speak out when they see something is wrong; they are not willing to tell someone an inconvenient truth.

So when these people, the majority it seems, come up against someone like you or me, who is - they mistake assertiveness for aggression.
And that doesn't make friends easily because they feel guilty that they 'passed by on the other side' when we took action.

It is not up to us to change CyclingSenior but to value our characteristics and know that very many of the great things in life and history were accomplished by assertive people.

CyclingSenior it is they say, lonely at the top. Add to that being a successful woman, and it’s harder to make friends. Maybe try and network through work, and try and meet other women as successful as yourself, out of whom a friend or two might emerge?

I wouldn’t play your assertiveness and success down, I would aim to try and meet like minded people.

Good luck.

At the age of 82 many of my friends have died but I don’t go for coffee mornings but in the U3A I have good friends in the many groups and I go to senior citizen groups at our local leisure centre for swimming keep fit and table tennis Home is for quiet .life is for enjoying not bearing grudges

I have a small circle of long time friends - but we don't all go out as a group. I am a very sociable person but I rarely feel comfortable at 'gatherings'.

I don't like parties, as it can be quite an effort to socialise with a large number of people that I don't know. I just find it hard work tbh. I do enjoy our (rare) family parties, I really enjoy a good old catch up with my family who are spread out across the globe.
I much prefer one-to-one lunches, not only do I get to go out more often but I don't have to compete to get a word in!

Since I was a teenager I have always preferred to hang out with the lads so the thought of girlie coffee mornings would fill me with dread and a sense of impending boredom- all that inane chat about their families etc. None of the women I know want to talk about important world affairs.

Other than family, I wouldn't want to invite anyone to a meal though. I have a couple of neighbours (women) who occasionally pop in for a short chat and a cup of tea- they text to ask if convenient first, and I will sometimes call at their house if I have something to tell them and have a cuppa.

In general though, I hang around with 5/6 men (individually or in a group, but they are dying off, I'm afraid now) with the same interests as myself- mainly quizzes, crosswords, gardening, travel and politics. The friendships are all purely platonic; some have wives, others not. The wives don't mind as they do not have the same interests- well not the quizzes and the politics-and are glad to foist them off on me so they don't have to attend with their menfolk!

I had breast cancer 5 years ago and after having chemo etc I find I have lost self confidence. A lot of my friends have died and I find it too hard to go to a group on my own.

I have got to now a lot of people from walking my dogs it a great way to meet people.

I would like to join a book club though but where I live is quite snobby and I would like a relaxed kind of book club.

I recommend walking dogs though.

My friends circle has got better since my split from dh. I have over the last few years gone to see old friends from school, college, antenatal group and my old work place. I just thought it would be good to reconnect after years of not seeing them. It’s always been Christmas cards exchanges. They have all been delighted that I made the effort to go and see them.

I completely understand. I too seem to have no friends yet I think I am friendly, don’t bitch and always lend a sympathetic ear to any one with troubles but still have no one I can confide in or do girly things with. What went wrong?

The reason Gillybob doesn't have many friends, I should think is, because she is so busy with the business and looking after her family. It's clear that she does put the others first every time.
I hope she finds a bit of time to find a friend for girly trips!

Cerocer the way to do it is to start a thread- eg Meetup mention town, and give a date a couple of weeks away at a local coffee place eg John Lewis and see what the replies are.

For over 4 years I have been meeting 4 GNs locally for coffee each month and recently in central London I have been meeting up with around 6 others for coffee/lunch every 4-6 weeks. I have met really pleasant people.

I wonder if your friends have a husband and families. It seems to me that you are very fortunate to have both, and very often people think you don’t need many people outside of your immediate family. Don’t give up on the friends you have - perhaps be a little less assertive with them.

Where does everyone live? Perhaps if some of us are near each other we could arrange a meet.

I made close friends at school and university but none lived locally and the relationships have continued only loosely as there seemed only ever enough time to keep family and work afloat.
Since retiring and with time to resume old relationships, I have discovered that most have run their course, although my best friend from university lives 80 miles away and we meet up once a month and WhatsApp or phone between times.
DH isn’t sociable so although we get out and about together and with family, I still seek regular female company. Maybe I’m lucky but I joined a gym attached to the spa of a local hotel and began to attend daily exercise classes. I discovered it was frequented by like minded ladies of a similar age and by chance found myself chatting to a born social organiser and as a result there is now a group of us who regularly lunch out and attend other events.
I also volunteer in my community and have slowly got to know people to talk to.
I have become conscious how many people, despite being in their sixties, are still shy about striking up an initial conversation. On the basis that everyone has an interesting story to tell, I do try to chat to as many people as possible when out and about. A bit like business networking, I try to find out what I can do to help them or what they are doing etc.. and then remember to ask about it next time I see them.
DH can’t understand how long it takes me to pop up the street to post a letter and reckons my tongue will wear out.
Even the most gregarious of us can feel socially isolated. This came home to me only yesterday when I was talking to somebody at the gym who seems really popular there, only to discover that because her DH works away during the week, she sees nobody once she finishes her classes and goes home.
Oh to return to Infant School, when all you had to say was, “Will you be my friend?”

Lessismore. Yes I made some very good friends through volunteering for group supporting parents and carers of Autistic children ,after working with Autistic children for many years. Sadly had to close the group for lack of finance .

Has anybody made friends through volunteering?

I am lucky to have several groups of friends from various places and activities eg former work colleagues and U3A members. I meet up for coffee /lunch with these friends and value these times as I have been widowed for over 10 years.
What I don’t have is a male friend,not as a partner ,but someone to literally go out with for a meal /drink/theatre etc. and a different type of conversation from female friends. Would make a big difference to my life, but hard to find the right person.

If people judge you by the way you speak do you really want these small minded people for friends? You have probably outdone many of them academically and you have worked hard. You will find your 'tribe' eventually and a tribe can be two or many, many more.

Most of my more recent friends are people where we have things in common - reading group, ex-colleagues, chicken club, dog walking. My latest friends were made at a bereavement group after my husband died. Sixteen of us started at the first meeting - three dropped out but of the remaining ones five of us have become firm friends. I have asked myself why the remaining eight didn't become part of our group? Two of my eight grandchildren have problems making friends and I think they do want friends. I think that they are both a bit quick to jump in and tell other people they are wrong/doing something the wrong way. It is something that puzzles me - I really need people around me despite living happily on my own and I can't imagine life without friends. Six of us had lunch together in London a couple of months ago and we have all known each other for over sixty years! We don't see very much of each other but we exchange emails and talk on the 'phone. Bust some people are very self contained and don't need or want this - we're all very different. It is only a problem when someone would like friends and doesn't have them. It is more difficult as you get older but joining a group where you have something in common is a start and so is volunteering.

When we are retired and our nests are empty, new friendships are almost up to the fates, because as we get older, we somehow forget or lose our ability to make new friends. Things are even harder for those who live remotely or don't get out frequently.

Adults meet others when walking the dog, joining a class (art, dance, writing etc.), playing a sport, game etc. Some people meet other people through an existing friend. Two things are important: To get out more so you meet more people and secondly, knowing how to make real friends

We all know that a child can make a new friend in less than a minute. When we moved to a new house years ago, our then five year old son knocked on our neighbor's door, pulled a few 'dog eared' cards out of his pocket, and asked point blank if they had a boy about his age so he could show him his card collection. The did have a six year old son and thanks to my cheeky boy, she and I soon became fast friends too, as did our husbands.

Meeting people is the easy part but it's only half the battle. Adults can't use the same approaches that children do and that is unfortunate. If I knocked on your door and asked if you wanted to come out and play, you would probably look at me as if I had two heads and it wouldn't go so well! As I said, the older you get the harder it is. We can however, learn to express your genuine interest in others, to channel unencumbered candor in positive ways, (the way children do), and to give of ourselves more and not expect anything in return, the same way children do. When someone genuinely enjoys your company and visa versa and you have things in common or interests that you enjoy sharing, that is the foundation of a lasting friendship.

I had never heard of the Red Hatters, so looked them up. 'Started in America' Hmmm. 'Wear red hats and purple clothes to meetings' WHAT? 'Contact us if you want to know where your nearest group is'.
I think I'll pass, thank you!

I have been thinking about this very topic this week. I am away on a Summer School and we all have one thing in common ( singing). At meals and breaks it is easy to chat, but so far I have not found anyone to go around with in the free times, yet I have seen others out in groups or making arrangements and I feel a bit envious. But if I am honest, it is better to do my own thing, as I can set my own pace, and please myself. I suppose it is a bit the same with friends. We get on ok when we have something in common, but by our age we do need to consider the limitations of our health, or our tolerance, patience levels, and perhaps deeper friendships are not easily come by.

I have to say I do have a good friend through GN, we communicate every day, exchange news etc, we both have Husbands, and have lots of things to "talk" about.Thank you Gransnet.

So strange this thread should appear today,only this morning I realised I have become very isolated the past few months I have no particular friend apart from old work friends who dont appear very often, this morning I realised the only person I speak to is my Husband and then it isnt really a conversation, its him telling me things,I dont seem to have much to tell theses days, I do have two clubs I attend which I enjoy, but these fold up during the summer,I thought my powers of conversation will stop soon if these clubs dont start soon, what a terrible position to be in never talking to anyone all day long.My family communicate by text messages also many other people do the same they dont like talking on the phone!I communicate by e mail to my friends in the UK but when we do meet we talk non - stop I wonder if living in another Country affects us later on in life, my being a "people person" seems to have changed.
I sound like a real moaner I am not, just saying what I have become,and I dont like it.

I actually believe loneliness is one of the things we have come to expect in our later years ... is it because we are boring is it because we don’t give as much as we used to not meaning monetary I mean help or is it because people are afraid of having to do too much for an older person .. I am so sorry that I cannot be as much help to people as I have been in the past purely because I am old and infirm and slow I could add and an embarrassment but really I am just old and I miss people any kind of people because I like the human race so I can’t come up with any kind of advice or help to other oldies but I would like friends but obviously we can’t pick them from the trees so we have to embrace the fact that we are able to use the internet to interact with like minded people on sites such as Gransnet