Thoughts would be very welcome

Do not struggle to recover so that you can sort things out; it will only delay your long term recovery.
Let your daughter come as often as she can, and look after you, not him.
This reaction seems to be fairly common; my father was useless when my mother had her hip operation, and even refused to have a bed brought downstairs so she had to crawl up the stairs to bed. Fortunately I was on maternity leave so was able to help.
A friend's husband actually went away to 'paint his mother's flat' after his wife had a bad fall; when we went to over to help (to look after his wife) and he was very grateful, because you could iron all these shirts for me and my son; twenty-two in all!

People are being very charitable, but I think there is a breed of man who actively resents his wife being ill, does not expect to have to look after her, and is therefore deliberately obtuse about nursing care.

@willa45 said:

Stop making lists. Concentrate on getting better and try to let go of petty, mundane details. That is both exhausting and likely unproductive. The house and the dogs can survive much worse than this. As long as you are reasonably comfortable and a few basic household needs are met, all should return to normal very soon.

I agree. Just focus on getting the care you need now from your husband. For whatever reason, he's not capable at the moment of taking on all your usual household activities.

And please will people stop posting things about the husband being post-operative? He's not - only by proxy, anyway. He's just not shaping up very well to being the main carer for AnnSl!

My OH is quite practical and can do most things around the house but if there is some sort of crisis in the family he goes into 'headless chicken mode'! This is normal for him and we all expect it. Once the problem has passed he returns to normal in no time.

With regard to it being a generational thing for men to do household chores or not I hope someone can explain why my father was very 'hands on' doing most of the cleaning and some of the cooking when we were growing up but despite his example my brother has never lifted a finger? My mother was not well enough to spoil him.

Thanks again, things are better, think I will just have to accept he just doesn’t notice things. A sense of humour is a must. So many like this. No nurse, they don’t come despite what hospital said have to do dressing myself so took photo of the incision so can compare for next time. I am a pretty fit 66 year old, how on earth they expect people on their own to manage I don’t know. Bad management and cut backs I expect.

Oh Anne I just know where your coming from its scary isn't it , my DH has been exactly like this through our recent house move and lots of other stuff, sometimes he can barley remember his own name never mind mine! We just been to visit mum in her rehab place and he had to sign in using the car registration, he couldn't remember it even though we've had the car 5 years, the other day he couldn't add two small sums of money up.I'm hoping like you its stress and lack of sleep that's causing it.He'll be more worried about you than you think.Take care.

Some of the comments here about the husbands were actually very funny and not necessarily because men are 'daft', but because men and women in general don't have the same standards when it comes to housekeeping.

AnnSI, They say humor is the best medicine, so here's a story about a new bride who regularly scrubbed the entire toilet bowl inside and out until it was spotlessly clean, shiny and sanitized. After a bad ski accident and a broken leg, she came home from a long hospital stay to learn that her young husband's idea of cleaning toilets was to squirt the bowl several times with her favorite (Hermes) perfume and then giving it two or three good flushes!

Thanks again, feel much better this morning, sleep still disturbed, but up and about. Other half seems more “with it”
I think it probably has been a shock to him, probably thinks fairies do all the unnoticed things around the house. Unnoticed of course until not done. Def won’t starve which is the main thing. Was so worried there was something wrong with him but after reading all the posts sounds like he is “standard” .

You must be at a low point after your experience in hospital.
You are in a fragile state, your husband Is probably panicking having never being in this position before.
Neither of you are in a good place. Is it possible to have some outside support just for a short while?
Hope things improve for you soon

Some people just don’t read the original post do they?
The husband hasn’t had an anaesthetic driverann and seiko he is just trying to look after his wife, who has

AnnS1
I too am just out of hospital and been told no housework for 3 months. DH trying his best (he’s very trying!) but sounds like he’s your DH’s doppelgänger! SO frustrating! Can’t find anything, no initiative, it’s like having a new ‘trainee’ at work. Apparently I’m the only one who can see the dirt on the kitchen floor (grit and muddy paw prints). I’m trying not to be a nag but don’t think I’ll survive 3 months!!?‍♀️

I think I must have been lucky.

Hip replacement nearly 3 years ago. Fantastic staff in every direction. I needed nothing more than the tablets to stop blood clotting (a necessity for 4 weeks) and paracetamol if needed when I came out after 3 days. Dressing was not to be changed for 10 days and I went to the nurse at the doctors for that. Didn't need another dressing as it was healing well.

So sorry to hear you've had a rough time both medically and at home. My DH is so caring but meals were a challenge. He's practical in every sense except meals. Pasta, pizza and tins were very popular!

Like you I got really tearful. Sorry he doesn't want to listen. That's the most important.

Let us know how you get on AnnS1

Our generation are probably the last to have "useless" men . Our DD and DiL both work full time and the housekeeping and child care is shared .My DS does all the cooking and shopping, a large part of childcare to twins of 9 and they both do general clearing up . SiL not quite as diligent but cooks dinner and does child care and housework when needed . I was determined my son was not going to be like DH so by the age of 13 could cook ,use the washing machine and iron his shirts. DH now 72 does nothing and would starve if I died . He refuses point blank to get involved in any household chores - he is very difficult . My dear friend was killed suddenly in a RTA in May, and we were coincidentally talking a few weeks before how worryingly dependent our OH are . In the 70's, partners didn't do much housework or childcare and we never managed to change things . My friend's DH is not only so desolate but struggling with having to learn how to manage. So so sad, I miss her so much too.
I do agree that OP husband is also probably very anxious and feels vulnerable with the "capable" one indisposed . I think I am heading for a hip op too and likely to be in a very similar position !!

AnnSI,
Let me start by saying that most men depend on their wives quite a bit (and visa versa), so it's no wonder a virtual rug is pulled out from under when a spouse gets sick. You both are under a tremendous amount of stress. It also appears you have been through the worst of it and now the healing begins.

Patience would be the operative word here, on all sides.
With a little bit of encouragement thrown in, let H know how much you appreciate his help and that things don't have to be perfect.

Stop making lists. Concentrate on getting better and try to let go of petty, mundane details. That is both exhausting and likely unproductive. The house and the dogs can survive much worse than this. As long as you are reasonably comfortable and a few basic household needs are met, all should return to normal very soon. With a lot of reassurance from you, H will be more confident and have things well under control (not the other way around).

Healing thoughts and prayers for a speedy recovery

Can’t help but think you are all fortunate to still have your DHs even if they sound like a pathetic bunch on the whole.
I had a major operation last year and had no help in recovering as my DH died 10 years ago last year. My DD and SIL are both very busy nurses and parents of two adopted children with their own problems ,so were unable to help apart from doing some shopping at first. My DH would have done as much as he could to help,in spite of being disabled himself. Why are so many men still helpless when it comes to basic everyday tasks.

Firdaus and Tillybelle, thank you

Sending my best wishes to you for a speedy recovery ??I was only in my 40s when I had to have a tumor resected from my liver. My exhusband was useless all throughout the surgery and treatment that followed my DMum came down from my DParents home over 100 miles away by train and looked after me and our young DC for days at a time, only returning home taking the 3DC with her by train every weekend to do my DFs washing etc. My exhusband would leave me whilst so poorly I was bed bound with no food or water all day while he went off to the shop he worked in. He told all my friends I was fine when actually I was in intensive care. He was totally unsympathetic and refused to believe I was so ill hence why he is now my Exhusband.

Thanks again, really interesting insights. Lots of sad stories. He is quite deaf but doesn’t think so, also needs an eye test. Think a few good sleeps will help both of us. Going to speak to him in a few days if things aren’t better. Just spoken to middle daughter who says he is always like that. And we are getting older which is scary. Jillybird yes that crossed my mind.

I have just had a knee operation on Weds which means wearing a knee brace & crutches...your husband is probably very scared as to what happened to you after your operation. Also, you can't expect him to do things your way My husband doesn't make the bed the way I do it but for now as I'm unable to do it myself I have to let it go.
You have to just chill out a bit..you've had a major operation which in time will be good but until then just let him get on with it

RomyP. You - like so many other G.netters - are lovely! ?

Only by osmosis pinkquartz it's the poster who has had the operation not her husband.

I agree with esspee maybe AnnS1's husband does things differently and possibly not as well as she does but that's not a big problem in the grand scheme of things. I drive my husband mad when I don't put things away tidily, he does the same when the washing is not sorted or done to my specifications. Sometimes you just have to let things go.

absthame. It's true, everybody is different. My late husband was quite a capable cook. However when I was ill he just ignored me. When I was at home with a day old baby he went back to work and the Midwife almost put me back in hospital - I had a previous history of post-natal bleeding. He stepped over me when I collapsed with an allergic reaction to mussels and left our 8 year old to phone the Doctor. He refused to let the Doctor send me to Hospital because I was "needed to look after the children". I have many more, very painful examples. As far as depending upon my husband for my help or survival when I was ill, I might as well have asked a lettuce to look after me. Even though he could cook a meal for himself, it did not cross his mind to bring any food to me when I was too ill to get to the dining table. Being with him was actually more hazardous than being without him.

I have read just recently that operations can affect the brain because of the anesthetic especially in older people.
It is quite possible that this is affecting your husband OP.

If he doesn't come to in a week or so you can ask your GP to check him over.

I am shocked by the number of husbands who lack survival skills. I know my male friends and family in their 60's are capable and willing to do domestic work. So did my own father who cooked wonderful meals when my mother was ill. He also was happy to clean and wash up though he draw a line at drying up for some reason.

AnnS1
I am so sorry to hear of the trauma you are experiencing. It seems to be one thing after another! I am so impressed by how you coped with tying your dressing gown etc to reach your phone.
I am hoping that gradually day by day you are recovering. I am worried that in this situation you may start to do too much too soon.

It sounds as if sandwiches and tinned soup may be the easiest meals for your husband to cope with. Just take one thing at a time for the next week while you are immobile. You might be able to order the ready meals as suggested earlier (sorry if I look to see whose suggestion it was my message gets deleted!)
I would tackle the situation regarding your husband's ability when you are a little better yourself. Do one thing at a time. Concentrate on yourself for the next week. He may not have any impairments but could be reacting to your having been in hospital. Some husbands just can't cope when their wives are sick. They almost seem to go into denial of her illness/disability because they cannot bear it.

Get as much help as you can; get your daughter to fix up sandwiches or any other food. Ask the District Nurse or whoever comes to do your dressings about who can you get to help during this time. Make sure you tell them the situation at its worst. They will do nothing if you seem to be managing. Say you sat on the loo all night, did not eat all day... and neither did your husband who can't manage.... but get their help!

I do hope that your daily care improves immediately. As I said, address your concerns about your husband's mental state when you are better and can look after yourself. That is unless he does something extremely strange and obviously shows he does not know what he is doing.

Good luck, my love. I promise, you will get better! Every day will be a bit better, you've had a lousy time. Thank God the Surgeon was good - that's the most important thing! Your body will mend and you will be able to tackle everything else all in good time. Lots of love, Elle ?

Oh of COURSE! If a man is LAZY (because you dont need to be TAUGHT common sense tasks!) it must be a WOMAN'S faul.... somehow...

P.s. didnt these men have fathers? If its all the parents fault (that decades after leaving home some men still havent bothered to "adult" then why isnt it their DAD'S fault hmm?

Post anaesthetic effects? Can take a considerable time to fully wear off