Thoughts would be very welcome

I am male and have always said that mothers' expect of their daughters pretty much what they expect of themselves. However they tend to mother boys much more. As a consequence men are less independent than women. There are very noticeable exceptions to this, however as a general rule it seems to explain why ladies survive independently better than most men.

RomyP, what a sweet post! Sorry about your health problems. It must be difficult. All the best to you and your hubby (who does sound like a treasure).

I would wait and see. It can sometimes be in someways easier to be the one HAVING the op than the one waiting for news.

Sometimes when you are the one having the op you are busy managing your recovery and it affects your onlooking loved ones more emotionally/mentally.

See how he is when the dust has settled

Sorry to hear about DH, I agree with others, he seems terrified. Illness can be hard for men to cope with in themselves, never mind a wife. I had a new hip last year and had a waterproof dressing that I don't recall being changed, just removed when the time came.

Make sure you do your exercises and take any physio offered! The exercises are really worth it.

Reading this thread I feel truly lucky. I had to retire due to ill health 20 years ago in my early 40s. Husband had to take over doing virtually everything for a few years, I now do a few small tasks but he does all the cooking and shopping, I have cleaners come in fortnightly to keep the house hygienic, but they don't tidy, that has to be done before they're here, which I find very tiring. Of course hubby made mistakes in the early days of having to do all the cooking, the children were still at home, but he's learned from those mistakes and when I have setbacks he copes well enough without me coaching him from the sidelines. It does notice when I've had a rough few weeks, he doesn't do little tidying up tasks that are obvious to me and they soon build up to making the house look untidy but as he's done so much for so long, whilst working full time until recently, now part time, I really can't complain. He cannot for the life of him learn how to fold fitted sheets though, it's quite entertaining watching him try then I do it in less than 2 minutes.

I spot that sometimes he's overwhelmed by things, it usually sorts itself over a few weeks but I think we forget our men are ageing with us and they get tired, plus when we're ill they worry and that affects them thinking to do even simple jobs without prompting. Be patient AnnS1, your husband is probably fine but if he continues to seem overwhelmed by it all try to encourage him to get blood pressure checked for starters, it might encourage him to open up to the nurse or Dr he sees and they'll hopefully spot if there is something more serious going on. I know in my husband I'm still seeing the daydreamer signs of almost 40 years ago, they were kind of cute when he was 23, now they're completely irritating. I have to wonder what he sees when he looks at me though, thankfully he's been wonderful since my disability and illness peaked back in `99 and has never made me feel guilty for being ill. I think I have a man in a million but he still drives me crazy at times, I'm sure it's mutual.

I would employ a housekeeper/cleaner on a very short time basis. Stress will increase your recovery time.

I hope your mobility picks up soon AnnS1, and I'm sad you didn't receive better nursing care along with the fact you had bad medication reactions.

I would just like to say recently we met with a couple that we have known for many years but have not seen a great deal of for some time and when we have seen them it has been in a large party where there is so much chatter and goings on that anything untoward with one or more could easily go unnoticed.

This time they were alone with us on a trip. It became evident that the husband was having some difficulty with very ordinary everyday tasks that we usually take for granted. It turns out after the wife opened up slightly, although still remained very protective, that it had been going on for sometime. We did manage to get them to agree to visit the GP, as there is almost certainly some decline that needs assessing.

We are also very conscious of the fact that these two have been inseparable for years. The wife does just about everything and has almost looked after him like a little boy almost all of their married life.

I'm not sure if you come anywhere close to this but I don't think that if you are the one running the home and organising the main tasks when push comes to shove and with age deteriation they have no clue and don't know where to start.

I would suggest if you can to make an appointment with the GP.

I was married to someone like this but he was useless ALL the time! He couldn't change the babies nappies, feed the babies, hold them correctly, cook, make a cuppa etc etc! Nor could he wash the pots or tidy up.

But he was very good at keeping tabs on people and controlling their every move, even visits to the loo were questioned!!!!

It was a massive inconvenience to him for me to not feel like cooking occasionally but the thought of spending money on a Sunday lunch in the pub horrified him. So there I'd be, post very serious surgery, cooking dinner whilst he sat watching TV. Then the District Nurse happened to drop in; she was less than amused and wasted no time in telling him what a useless specimen he was!
To my knowledge he has not changed, I now live alone and I'm happier than I've been in years.
Some people do not even try to learn the basics and I cannot help thinking that the OP's OH is laying it on a bit thick. It does seem very coincidental that his persona has changed radically after OP had her surgery.

Sometimes when our menfolk care for us, they do it in their fashion, not in ours. Too often we want it done "our way" rather than accepting that we do things one way, others do it another. All those things you need to scribe for him to do, down to the little things, are they necessary? Or are they just what you would do? If you are being fed, watered and loved then maybe that is as much as you can ask.
I watched my stepdad run around looking after my Mum with very little gratitude when she had her hip done and yet she was being perfectly well looked after. Maybe you should listen to your daughter who thinks you are exaggerating?
I do hope you start to feel better soon and the care you should get from the District Nurse will improve.

Seiko70. It is not the husband who is recovering from surgery. He has simply fallen apart being faced with becoming a temporary carer for the OP.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I think Mumsnet needs to come over here and see why there are so many selfish incapable men around. Or maybe some Granset members need to head over there to see what the consequences are of raising men to behave as if they are "special".

It would also be funny if it wasn't so sad - posters telling OP to give the poor man time to recover from HER operation?! Seek medical advice for HIM? Op says This is the problem now, husband just doesn’t seem able to manage, literally have to write things down like you would for a child - and that is literally - actually - the situation. Have you previously treated him like a child OP?

Have you always done everything so that now the poor old dear is struggling with even the idea of lifting a finger? Or has he always been a capable adult and taken his fair share of all the chores and administration in running a household, but now seems lost - in which case that would be a real concern.

He should be taking care of you and that's the bottom line. Only you can tell us if he can't, or he won't.

Over the years, several of my friends have died and left 'hopeless husbands' - it's what comes of never showing them what to do and how to cope.

That's a very dangerous situation indeed. Not only does it leave them helpless if the wife goes first but it adds to the stress of bereavement.

I'm shocked by how many husbands have been emasculated this way.

Perhaps your husband is stressed out about your operation. My husband gets stressed out over everything

It could be the Anaesthetic that he needs to get out of his system I had a lengthy eye op and it took me three weeks to get over it, being spaced out and falling asleep all the time ,thought I was losing it

Come on ladies let’s make sure the next generation of husbands/partners are not as hopeless as the ones described. I have twin sons who are both married with young children.
They can and do cook, clean, do DIY, look after little ones, wash, iron and do the gardening (sorry to gloat)
Many many years ago one of them told me that their bedroom looked a bit dusty ( the cheek) sometime later I open his bedroom door and threw in a tin of Pledge and a duster ! A short while after this I pushed the vacuum in through his door and closed it behind me! He got the message PDQ.
I worked full time and was a single parent in those days.
They are now both successful in their careers and have really great wives but they both do all their own ironing!
Yeh!!!

AnnS1 I feel for you both he obviously is frightened and lost at what he should be doing after you doing everything around the home.
Can you arrange for care to come in for maybe a fortnight until you are stronger ? or have a member of family stay for a short while.
I am very lucky my OH is very hands on when it comes to the everyday running of the house even when I am 100% well he does the majority of chores/dog walking/meal prep etc he has always been good in the home and so have my sons in their homes.

I wonder what type of anaesthetic he had for the operation. If he had a general anaesthetic then it could take at least six weeks or more to recovery. Hence the reason while patients should not drive for six weeks after an Op. Even if he had an a spinal injection an epidural patients are still sedated and can be disoriented. It takes time to recover from operations and it should never be underestimated.

I am also recovering from hip replacement, mine as result of z fall, and have a Team of people called Home Pathway who come in daily and help with dressing and teaching me to walk again as s well as monitoring scar. Don't you have a ything like that? They would get meals too if needed but I have Wiltshire delivering once s week. Could you have Wiltshire for the time being. Don't do too much. Observe the hip restrictions or you'll be in more trouble. My Pathway people were set up by hospital. Which I have to say here in Farnborough Kent is a lovely friendly hospital, I'm sorry your experience wasn't as good.

If his behaviour is new and has only occurred since the surgery you may wish to look up postoperative cognitive dysfunction or POCD. This can occur as a reaction to the anaesthetic and is not always spotted whilst in hospital. The Royal College of Anaesthesia have a leaflet...

www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://www.rcoa.ac.uk/system/files/07-Confused2017.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjtmc2Ow_rjAhXUiFwKHXc2CxcQFjALegQIARAB&usg=AOvVaw1gx2PfvJkuXAtE3WuOPM8I

Thanks again, sounds like he isn’t unique. Maybe he is in a sort of shocked state. Going to write itemised of small tasks to be done. An on line shop done for Tuesday. Other daughter was going to come today but told her no point as weather forecast bad and I am going to have a nap. Feel like I can’t concentrate either. Far worse than me as this is a temporary/spare part type of surgery.

I sometimes wonder if some men go straight from being their mother's precious baby boy to exactly the same situation in marriage. We are not born knowing how to cook or iron. When women talk of their husbands 'helping' (at least one on here somewhere) they are assuming that all domestic labour is essentially a woman's job and a man's input is optional and something to be pathetically grateful for. Drives me mad.
Having said that - I do feel sorry for your situation AnnS1 - he doesn't sound totally incapable, just upset and worried. But he does need a serious talking-to by both you (when you're feeling stronger) and your daughter. I hope your recovery is fast and successful and pain-free. If someone recommends hydrotherapy, do take it up - apparently it's brilliant for hip recovery.

I was lucky, I’m a nurse and was pretty determined to spend as little time as possible in hospital. The op went great, only painkillers offered were paracetamol. Had surgery Monday at 8am and self discharged next morning. Husband similarly useless...lucky for me we were in a small flat at the time. I could do cooking etc in our small galley kitchen...and no pets to walk. No kids nearby. I was very fortunate with surgery and recovery. Walking a mile within a fortnight and also driving by 3 weeks. I truly sympathise with you...having a husband who is normally passive and who relies on you is impossible if you are ill. My best friend died a few years ago and her husband needed hip replacements after her death, the daughter had to come in and do every single thing for him including showering him, doing the cooking, washing, cleaning for months. Since my hip replacement I’ve learnt a valuable lesson, I now take myself on holidays, driving through Spain, Ireland etc that he doesn’t want to do and he has to cope. We are often our own worse enemies by doing everything for our other halves. Maybe ask him to sit down and tell him what you have told us...let him see how it feels from your perspective. Hope you are better soon. X

A THR is a major op and your body goes into shutdown. I’m normally open bubbly and active. After my hip operation I felt vulnerable - tearful - angry - its early days for your husband. Give him time.....
Probably not helping things if you’re not able to look after him or yourself properly.

I thought I was alone in having a husband who cares but cannot care. I had a major op last year requiring 6 weeks recuperation. Friends we’re brilliant in visiting with home made meals and so on. What came to light was that DH did not know what to do when it was just us. As long as I was in bed then that was what was needed. I had like AnnS to summon him when needing loo using phone but then he’d not hear it or not have it with him. No thought that I’d need a drink or just company. Also as having to lie on my back, difficulties in eating and drinking. But that he was worried and concerned was evident. If I asked or instructed it was done or provided. But he was in a state of panic and worry.
We have been able since to talk about it all as it looks as if this will all happen again. I have to reframe my expectations of physical care and let him know (even writing lists) of what I need and pointing out the obvious (bowl of soup when lying horizontally for example not a good idea).
Friend has a partner who is so competent and practical. She had an op recently and in a catch up text he said she was fine but he was lost. I think that’s it. They just can’t face the reality that sometimes we can’t be there.