HELP! College Fund Account - should we give it to her?

cogrannies
In part this reminded me of long ago when I took Christmas gifts to my God daughter and her older brother. The two were playing on the floor of the bedroom where I was told to go and see them. I was a student at the time. I went in and started chatting to them. Neither of them answered me. I had not one word from either whatever I did or said to try and gain a response. I put the gifts on the floor by them. They were wrapped in Christmas paper and were books I had chosen with great care for them and cost me lot out of my own money. The two, aged about 15 and 13, did not say a word!

From that experience onwards I did not send presents or support my Goddaughter. My decision was proved to be right as she grew up to show very selfish, self-centred attitudes and behaviour. I think she is a Narcissist in fact.

My feeling about your situation is that you should just cut yourself free from this grandchild and from your own daughter. They only want your money. They do not want to have a relationship with you. They cannot be bothered to say thank you. As for saying you are bad grandparents! What rubbish! What kind of daughter and grand daughter are they?

Look at your life: You moved to be near her. Then found "she only wanted our financial support and babysitting"

You collected a "substantial college fund" but "she does not deserve it now".

On top of this, things must have been pretty bad because you say you "moved to another area" in order "to distance ourselves"!

Moving is a big deal! We don't do it on a whim! Obviously you do not connect with this granddaughter or your daughter. They clearly have different ways to you and your values are not respected by them. You "have to beg for a thank you so we stopped sending anything" ! and they haven't bothered to see you in 2 years!

Please get this message in your heads-

They only want you for your money!

Once they get their hands on the money they will never see you again. Unless they want more money.

Stop bothering about them! Sometimes we have to face harsh truths! Sometimes a family member becomes a bad family member. You decided some time ago that she did not deserve the college fund. Hold on to that. If she is not deserving why waste it on her? I imagine all this moving you have done, and only done because of them, has cost you quite a bit. Moving costs around £10,000 in the UK. Removal men, agent's fees, solicitor's fees, searches, land registry fees.... notifications of change of address, etc...
I think you ought to keep this college fund to off-set all your moving expenses over the years.

You ask if you should discuss with your granddaughter or not. I understand that she will not visit you. Would the discussion be by telephone then? I would tell her the reevaluation in 2 years is off. This is not a ransom for her behaviour, it is simply that she does not deserve to have the college fund. You can tell her you decided this x years ago, before you moved.

I would move the fund to a different account in your name so that there no longer exists as a "college fund'.

If you meet your daughter or granddaughter, I would do so somewhere neutral not at your home, for a short meeting. Have what you are going to say prepared. Write it down. You can give them a copy of what you have said. Keep it very short. When you have told them, leave and do not look back.

I really am so sorry it is like this but I have experienced 2 bad family members. The one above and a half sister I always say I "divorced" after my mother died. I do not discuss why but it was for very serious reasons.

Please make your like revive around your marriage and any good friends you have. Do not dwell on this situation. But do not let the pangs of motherhood weaken you and give in to these avaricious girls. They only want your money. They have hurt you so much that you have had to move away to protect yourselves! Please - Look at the situation clearly and straight on! Don't give the money to them! You decided before you moved to get away from her that she did not deserve it! Be strong. Keep your principles. Don't throw your money away.

Wishing you much moral strength and loads of confidence and good luck, from Elle x

Would you have accepte those conditions without a lot of resentment?

Summerlove....

Resentment? Unacceptable conditions? Really?! Which ones might those be? That GD has the opportunity to get a college education with fully paid tuition? To a college of her choice provided it's close enough for her own grandparents to spend some time with her and get to know her better?! ...and that (like benefactors managing scholarship funds) they manage their GDs tuition fund? There is no bad faith here, so how can anyone justify resentment?

...I do understand your point where (unjustified) resentment could follow, but only if GD actually shares the same warped, inflated sense of entitlement that her ungrateful mother seems to have. If sadly that's the case, there will be nothing lost on that account that hasn't been lost already.

Several years ago I would have said pay direct to college but after giving and giving until we have no more our adopted daughter has turned on us ,accusing us of horrendous things. All our lives we've been loving supportive parents who didn't go out much, surrounded our children with love and family.
I may sound bitter I'm not ,I'm hurt beyond what you can imagine . So now I'd say look after yourselves some people don't appreciate that you did without so they could have. Go on holiday have a new car. They aren't going to care anymore when they have taken your money. Enjoy it and shut the pain away in your heart somewhere.

I agree, pay college fees direct to the college. But do not expect any thanks.

Your granddaughter, at 16, has grown up with only her mother's side of the story and sees you as her mother sees you, which unfortunately is not to your advantage. Perhaps if she moves away frm home to college, it will open her outlook and she will begin to think for herself.

Gonegirl not sure I would want a relationship with someone who is only there because I am withholding money.
Granbabies I wonder why you felt the need to refer to your 'adopted' daughter and not just your daughter.

I dont think its okay to take away funding that has already been pledged IYKWIM. Tricky. Its a shame you already said that the money was "hers"

Willa,

What if the school of her choice was on the other side of the country? I would have been very frustrated indeed to be told I had a college fund, only to then gave the goal posts moved to that I had a fund only if I did what my grandparents told me. Does it stop with school? What about program? Would funding be pulled for grades?

I don’t think most young people would find those acceptable strings, and it could ruin the relationship.

I think OP is right to remove funds if she wants, but that will hurt the relationship too.

She’s in a very tough spot. The college fund was meant to be a gift. Not a scholarship with standards to maintain.

For the record, I manage a scholarship fund. In order to receive it, qualifications are laid out In advance. We pay to the school of choice, and the only “string” is that if they don’t finish the year, it’s paid back: again, this is laid out in advance.

I see your point, I do. But I do not see any way that it would go the way one hopes. I wouldn’t have accepted those strings from family. I’d rather have gotten loans to follow my dreams

Like many others I would want to honour my college fund promise. I do think that you should let your grand daughter know how much it is though, as this may affect where she applies.

As a rider to my earlier post and having read more comments, I would counsel the OP not to attach strings to her gift, if indeed she decides to go ahead.
If those 'strings' were to include regular phone calls, family dinners, uni close to OP's home area etc it could nark her as it would place her in a position of permanent gratitude and, if she kept those dates it might well be under sufferance and she might rebel.
If the GD skipped any dates...what then? Would the OP tug on the reins and pull her back into line?
It's not good. My advice re not giving the money still stands, but if the OP goes ahead, I would advise a no strings approach but fees only paid directly to uni, no living costs.

I think if you've promised any money I think you should honour that promise. Personally, there is no way I would give money to my nearest and dearest, anything they have they've had to stand on their own two feet and work for, otherwise they can do without.

I agree with GabriellaG54, it should be given, if it's been promised, with no strings attached. Totally wrong to use bribery.

Willa45, your posts have irked me. It is wrong to attempt to control someone in that manner, especially a young girl who is just about to start her life as an adult. I don’t think many young people today would be willing to accept money or a relationship on such terms. And rightly so.

Cogrannies, you are in a tough spot and have a lot to consider. Are you in a good financial position? Would the money be helpful to you and your husband? It really is unfortunate that you have promised the money to your granddaughter. I would feel obligated to follow through on that promise, regardless of your relationship, or lack thereof, with her. Only you can decide what is best to do here, but don’t pin your hopes of having the relationship you want with your daughter and granddaughter upon it.

Also, please ignore the posters encouraging you to attach strings to the money. People do not respond well to such conditions being placed upon them, whether you feel they are justified or not.

Thanks to all of you for your responses. It was very interesting to see the different points of view. We will not punish our GD and withhold her future funds due to her mother's bad behavior and GD's ignoring us as she has learned this from her MOM! Both have blown us off for many years. We can't control where she goes to college and can't hope for this relationship to change with our DD but have hope for Granddaughter when she is in College. We will wait it out to see her in 2 more years. We can't meet there, it is not an option. It is the responsibility of the two parents to take care of their only child, not ours. We are retired, in a good financial position and will keep our promise but perhaps compromise with 1/2 of the funds to be paid direct each year to the college. She can apply for scholarships, and Mom and Dad can take a mortgage on their homes for the rest, they are far from destitute. If there is no thank you, then so be it. We have done enough!

My DS Outlaws gave one of their DG £20,000 towards a house last year, she has not been seen since ? She also only did a year at University before dropping out. I would keep the money until you have proper contact, don't give it to her or her Mum.

sodapop I don't think I would want a relationship with these two anyway, but I certainly wouldn't give either of them any money until they behaved more decently towards me.

Don’t be so negative please * Jani31* about “dropping out” of university. It’s a big thing to decide you made such a big mistake. So much better to get out early than waste two more years and thousands of pounds on something you don’t enjoy.
I know it’s not really part of this thread but do feel all bright young people are now “expected” to take the university route even if it’s not something they really feel driven to do. There should be more options for our 18 year olds.

No apology here GG65

Everyone here is entitled to their own opinion. If you disagree with me, that's your choice and fine with me because this forum allows free exchange of ideas. Everyone here can agree to disagree. There's no need to get 'irked'

If you have always promised to put your Granddaughter through college, then I would keep to my word and do exactly that.
I'm not sure what you mean about waiting two years to see your Grandddaughter, do you mean when she goes to college?
Quite honestly, if this was me and I could afford it, I would pay all of the costs for my only Grandchild.
It could be the start of a better relationship with her.
Then, you will have done enough.

Oh Cogrannies, so sorry for you. Your daughter sounds like a real "user". I agree with other comments on here that you need to ensure that any money is paid directly to the college. Must admit, if it was me, because I'm a big believer in being honest and upfront and saying it like it is, I would text your GD and tell her how very sad and hurt you feel that she does not bother to keep in contact? Obviously, up to you and how that makes you feel? Good luck

Do not use the college account as a bargaining chip. It is quite unfair to make a mother's behaviour have an adverse consequence for her daughter your grand child. Advise that you have p some savings towards a college fund and that you will pay them to the college that she attends. It is a good idea to keep up a relationship with your grand daughter regardless of her mother's behaviour so give her 320 or so per birthday and perhaps £100 on her 18. never talk about gifts in advance and do make anything dependent on behaviour.

320 =£20