Lack of friends

Don’t give up! What hobbies and interests do you have? I think U3A is good, also local gardening, craft and walking groups? It’s hard to go somewhere on your own, I know. My husband is somewhat similar but I organise social meetings anyway and he’s happy to come along.

There is no answer to this problem, we are all different.
Join a gym. Check out your local U3A(s). If you religious check out your local churches. Find out about local groups (Art, History, Walking, Cycling in fact anything you might enjoy doing), Try to involve your hubby but if necessary do things without him. Keep in touch with the friends you already have.

Joining groups is a good idea but deeper, closer friendship takes time and effort. I went to live in France in 2013, didn't know a single soul , joined a craft and art interest group with about 50 members. I spent months moving from table to table, helping in the kitchen, staying back to tidy up, chatting and enjoying and getting to know people as the months went by and without conscious thought I realised that I had found my 'tribe'. Those of similar, if not like, mind. The initial chat was very general but soon evolved to the more personal as we began to know and trust each other. I came home after four years but have remained in contact with four special people, two visit me now and again and I would say they are as important as the friends I have known for many years.

My advice would be to join groups, be friendly, helpful and interested in others, don't be anxious or impatient about making friends it will come naturally in time.

Please don't rely on social media unless you are housebound. It is not a good route to deep and meaningful friendship.

Good luck

Onestepbeyond,

It helps explain our lack of friends.

A direct result of successive government policies.

But I did exclude Brexit.

Stop expecting to find friends online, that's not going to work. You have to get out and join some clubs. Book club, poetry group, U3A, choir, national trust volunteer and more. Never say no to an offer to do something. If your DH doesn't want to go out, so what. You don't need someone to go with to any of my suggestions.

Why not check the GNet meet up section to see if there is one nearby otherwise put a notice on yourself to ask if anyone nearby is interested in meeting up for coffee and a chat. Make sure you put your area into the title otherwise it might not be picked up.

I did this 2 years ago and have got to know some nice people, one of whom I meet up with outside the meetings which is really nice.

Good luck, it does take time to make a real friend and we all have to start at the start.

Its an odd and uncomfortable feeling. I have battled with this for months and I'm sorry the " join things" advice doesn't cut it for me.

I tried and felt worse afterwards. So I am changing tack and sort of surrendering to it and becoming more self reliant. I used to have so many friends, the phone was always going or somebody at the door. Now, nobody.

Join U3A or WI or Townswomen’s Guild. You’ll soon make friends.

My husband plays in an amateur group. He doesn't socialise with them. He hates when they stop to chat. He would quite happily never socialise apart from an hour a week when he meets an old friend for a beer .
I'm a really shy nervous self-conscious person . I love time alone but I enjoy a bit of company too. If your socialising is centred round an activity it's much easier to make conversation and gain some confidence. The thing is you do have to push yourself and take a risk. Its difficult but the more you do it the less self conscious you become and your confidence will grow. You need to be patient too and give friendships time to develop. And make an effort to say yes when you are invited to have a coffee after whatever activity.....
Try U3A. I didn't like it at first but when I became more confident I went back and I enjoy it now. Local classes, library, churches, volunteering, all good ideas.
And do not worry about what people are thinking of you. You wont love everyone you meet and vice versa. Thats life and perfectly ok. Be yourself, be friendly be brave.
One step at a time. Think of one thing you will do now. I went to a local church 2 weeks ago. I didnt know anyone and hadnt been for 18 years and that was in a different county. I'm still alive and in one piece. It was fine.?

Having read all the posts one thing I’ve noticed is that some of us have antisocial DHs. Mine can be so irritating at times when he doesn’t want to socialise and I am determined that retirement is for enjoyment and trying new things/places & people.

He is close to his brother and says he only needs me but once he’s out he generally enjoys himself in whatever we’re doing. I find it quite wearing having to persuade him to try things but I will go alone if I’m really keen....and of course that irritates him! How on earth do we all stay married?

I dont have a lot of friends they are mostly old work friends.I dont live in the UK and here it is difficelt to make friends, they are not very sociable here and thats a well known fact. We moved to this area five years ago,I hardly know the neigbours. I am a member of two groups which is enough, as we are friends then, but dont contact each other otherwise.BUT a few weeks ago I decided to go to a "Language cafe" this entails meeting up in a local cafe for an hour a week, and helping people just come to this coutry to learn the language, this is after they have been to the adult education School all day, we just talk to everyone and help them to converse, it is lovely, we laugh and have a lovely hour, a good way to get to know other people, as well as we other helpers.Good Luck Vauxhall58

I totally agree Carolina55. Many of my friends are the same. Shame really but I can't be bothered feeling like I'm forcing him any longer. Maybe it's just how many men become when they are older. He will visit National Trust occasionally or cinema and if I book theatre he will go. But we only have one couple that he will socialise with....now and again.
I'm perfectly happy. And so is he.

I think our anti social husbands sort impose it on us. Take your confidence away and make socialising difficult. Yes how have we all stayed married? Once my husband is “ out there” he is not too bad but getting him going IS wearing.

This really resonates with my own life. Whilst still working full time I have no sense of loneliness. But know that when I retire , will need to branch out and seek new friends.

My closest friend sadly passed away two years ago, and I miss our long walks, silly chats etc. But long hours in the office and busy weekends tend to hinder a social life.

Thank you all for the practical and sensitive ideas. I too shall look into some of them more deeply when the time is right.

I really liked the idea of meeting up with fellow Gnetters here. So if anyone is near Bournemouth and would like a coffee and natter, please get in touch

I think you are absolutely right ... making friends/acquaintances is the easy bit ... to become friends takes two way effort...

I do empathise PennyWhistle* my best friend died 18 months ago. I know I can never replace her. I just try to be thankful that I was blessed with her for all those 25 years of happy times, silly chats and lots of laughter and supporting each other. We are lucky to have had such a friend. I wish you well when it's time to retire.

I’m an only child and I can honestly say I’ve never really had a friend. Not one who I would confide in or to share the good and the bad times. I’ve been to social events with acquaintances and left halfway through and not been noticed many many times. Done social media , charity, volunteering and full time work. I just think some people are meant to be lonely and I’m one of them.

I meet most of my freinds though my dog . Then by doing a gym class . Then being in hospital.
And now i go to speaker club .

Meet up app . Shows what is on in your local area.

Following on from AngelaMCGF's comment, I joined Meetup 6 years ago and I have made a lot of new friends through the various groups on there. It has helped with my confidence so much, I even run my own group now. Check them out in your area at www.meetup.com and I'm sure that you'll find something that interests you.

It's just tiring Fern , mine is happy for me to have friends and welcomes them when they visit but its always me arranging anything social and he just tags along. I would like to tag along once in a while IYKWIM.

And I feel like my "pool" of potential friends is halved compared with other married friends as he introduces me to exactly noone. He likes being at home and may get on with people at work but has no interest in seeing them outside work

I joined Slimming World a few years ago and made two very good friends some casual friends and I really don't make friend easily I'm going to join a local knitting crafting group soon and hope I can make more friends with similar interests

Lindy123 if you really want to make friends keep trying. It will happen. If you were with people in a big group they may not have noticed one leaving. Or perhaps didn't have your number to ask why you left and if you were ok.

I would forget the online idea.

If you offer to volunteer locally, you'll get to know people in your area, and may then bump into them at other times and can have a little chat. If the first thing you try isn't for you, have a go at something else.

Also a community choir is often very friendly and you come away feeling happy. I don't think I sing well, but it's OK in a group.

To get a real friend takes time. Start by just socialising more generally, and forcing yourself to talk to people. From that a real friend may eventually evolve.

Notanan2 - I also arrange everything. He has never booked a holiday. I do it all. Yes it is tiring. I want someone to do something for me!