Accepting help

This is a tricky one. When my children were at Primary School (catholic), they used to deliver ‘charity’ food boxes to designated ‘poor families’. I used to cringe at the thought of what it might be like to be on the receiving end, but now I am not so sure. It must absolutely depend on how it is done.

Some lovely stories here,
Many years ago when i was a single parent i did voluntary work for the CAB.
At a meeting a beautiful cake was produced which our manager had won in a raffle, everyone thought he would slice it up for us all to share with our coffee.
When coffee time arrived our manager declared to the whole room that he was going to slice the cake into two and share it between me and another single mum 'because we didnt have much money'...
A kind gesture but so wrongly put, We were both so embarrassed and humiliated .
When times were tough, especially at christmas I would have loved to open the door and find a bag of groceries the porch..
I am remarried now and my life is wonderful but i do 'pay it forward' to those who need it when i can as i have walked in their shoes

We went through a period of real poverty after my husband's 12 years service in the forces came to an end. This was 1979 and the £250 golden handshake which you got in those days went nowhere after buying the necessary beds, cooker, and other essential furniture. We had barely any furniture of our own, as being the nature of his work we lived in the married quarters ( in those days fully furnished) provided by the services both in UK and abroad. The local council in the area, we were in gave us a place to live and we did our best. There was no such thing then as car boot sales, neither the quantity of charity shops that we have now ,can remember Oxfam and one other where we lived. If lucky the church or school would have a jumble sale every so often. It was not possible to buy boot sale bargains like now as non existent, or many charity shop ones either like people find today. One real act of kindness came from our local Salvation Army, my children regularly attended the Sunday school. We would take the children and collect them but only ever attended the main events ourselves not regular attendees. What our children must have told them( 8 &10 at the time) is not known, but on the evening before Christmas Eve was the captain himself and one of the other officers knocking on our door, with several boxes containing food, toys and games, hats and gloves. They must have found out my husband was struggling to find work, and gave us much needed help.
I still feel quite emotional all these years later when I think of that act of kindness. Needless to say they are the charity I support in any way I can and my children can still remember some of the things given to us. They also support the same cause. It is the completely unexpected gestures of help and kindness that come at times of real need that we remember. Lots of good hearted people are still out there.

It all depends on your idea of poverty. I wouldn't consider myself poor without a television set or a holiday, but I would consider myself very poor without food and shelter.

I have been poor and struggled, I am more than happy to gift people or pay it forward.

Times were very tough many years ago when my two DC were small and my (now) ex, being an alcoholic, was always in and out of work. Money was always in short supply. He eventually went to a rehabilitation centre, paid for by the welfare system, leaving me and my DC with no money or food. He was there for six weeks and during this time I was visited by the welfare department who took me to a grocery store where I could choose groceries for the week. I can still remember how humiliating it was and how ashamed I felt at the time. I had no choice though and will always be eternally grateful that they were there to help us. I had no family to help so goodness knows what would have become of us. That’s all behind me now and these days I tend to be more of a giver. I’m a very generous person and would rather give things away than sell them. Receiving gifts does make me feel a little uneasy but I would never let the person giving the gift see that.

A friend in our church years ago took it upon herself to buy me a new pressure cooker. She judged my old one, which was a present from my mil as inadequate. I really felt judged. She was loads better off than me, but I was happy enough... she just didn’t get my circumstances or my feelings, always trying to improve me! She meant well, but it rankled

In a similar situation to you, two small children, husband at university, I was at work and had my handbag stolen. I was absolutely distraught, completely overreacted but we really were desperate for money and this was the last straw. To my absolute horror, my colleagues held a whip round and gave me far more money than I’d lost. I was so embarrassed, I attempted to give it back but a very wise older woman said that people had given because they wanted to help me and would be insulted if I rejected their kindness. Roll on many years later and I think of t hat lovely gesture and how it truly helped me but I’m also mindful when I give anyone anything, that it can be very difficult to receive.

As a single mum many years ago I was given furniture and kitchen items as well as children’s clothes by a friend of my mum and most of it I really didn’t want. However I felt that I could not refuse someone’s kindness or pick and choose. So I accepted graciously.

A few years later I used to read (mainly correspondence) to an amazingly inspirational old lady who had lost most of her sight. She had been one of those ladies who had set up community centres and generally worked for charities but very proud and independent. I learned so much from her and I remember her saying to me one day. “I have been the one giving myself all of my life and now comes the hardest life lesson and I am not yet very good at it - to accept help and worst of all to be treated/talked to like a child.”

Accepting/receiving is far harder but equally important to giving as we have to overcome pride. They are both acts of love.

I am now in a position where I can pay forward but am shy like the OP to help someone personally - so it has to be through charities.

When I was a struggling single parent a couple of times I received anonymous cash gifts in the post and the Christmas post box at church. It was such a wonderful surprise and made me cry with happiness, so if my husband and I have extra to give to people in a similar situation we do the same. We have a fun memory of one winter night having to park on the main road and slip and slide silently through the snow to put an envelope through someone’s door.

I’d accept it...... but be waiting for the bottom line!

Grannyactivist what a lovely role you have helping people in need. Last Xmas I decided to replace my 30 yr old good quality settees (don’t know any woman who hasn’t had 2 lots in that time!) although there was nothing wrong with them. Anyway I fancied a change and after asking family & friends if anyone wanted them my daughter advertised them locally free on collection. An old acquaintance got in touch to say her nephew was leaving rehab and had a studio flat with no furniture so I’m pleased to say they went where they were going to be appreciated. I even got a txt back to say how delighted he was with the like-new settees. I like doing kindnesses where I can and always think that someday I might need someone’ Kindness.

Two years in a row I received a very large Christmas box from a charity. I never found out who put my name forward, but it was wonderful. I cried both times with generosity of it. Whoever put my name forward clearly knew my circumstances at the time.
I have tried to pay it forward whenever I'm able to.
So yes I have been able to accept anonymous gifts. Gifts from people closer to me would probably be more difficult, although I don't think I'd be ungracious.

My previous church had a system in place where the vicar would pass on gifts anonymously. It may have still been difficult to receive help but at least the recipient knew the giver wanted to keep embarrassment to a minimum and obviously there were no 'strings' as they didn't know who the giver was. I think many churches do a similar thing but I've not had cause to use it recently. I've received an anonymous gift too and felt slightly uncomfortable as I thought I knew who had given it but wasn't sure so couldn't say thank you.
Like many here I find it difficult to ask for help with practical things although I often need it. I'm fine with accepting help from family but I know many others who would help me with things like DIY or gardening but I struggle to ask unless it is completely unavoidable. consequently I have an overgrown garden and a house which needs lots of attention which I am unable and can't afford to give it! I think the saying 'It is better to give than to receive' should be re-phrased 'It is easier to give than to receive'! Pride is a terrible thing sometimes.

That's a lovely story Justgrandma I'm so sorry your husband died but you have wonderful friends to support you. I hope you are happy in your house now.

I love to give much more than receive but find one neighbour really hard to help because she always feels she has to reciprocate. I have tried to explain that we don’t want anything in return but it falls on deaf ears. Doesn’t put me off though!

It would depend on how it was done I suppose - when my children were little we struggled to get to the end of each month sometimes and I have never forgotten the kindness of an old neighbour from where I grew up who handed me an envelope one evening as I left my Mum's and gave me strict instructions not to open it before I got home. When I did I found a £10 note inside with a note saying to treat the kiddies. It was a lovely thought and she never mentioned to anyone else, even my Mum, that she had given me money.

I think if you explain to the person or people you would like to help that you have been in their place earlier on, and are now in the fortunate position of being able to help others and that you feel it is your simple duty to do so, as the help you received meant so much to you, that would explain your motives for helping and probably make it much easier for them to accept your help.

If they still are uncomfortable accepting help then apologise gracefully and find someone who will be pleased with the offer.

Like you, I would prefer to help anonymously, if the church you are a member of cannot help with passing your contribution on anonymously, perhaps a church run charity, or another charity can and will. Caritas runs schemes to help families in need in most countries, and the Salvation Army will likewise be only to pleased with a donation.

That is a lovely memory

Last Christmas there was a knock at the front door and by the time I answered it they had gone but on the doorstep there was a Christmas bag with two presents in it for DH and myself no note and I still don't know who left them, what a wonderful surprise and much appreciated.

I once gave a Jaeger linen shirt that had never been worn, still had labels on to a friend who was larger than me ( I had lost quite a bit of weight and it didn't fit). I gave it to her in private and didn't mention she was bigger than me just that it didn't fit me and maybe it would fit her - she never spoke to me again and just avoided me in social situations. I wish I'd put it in the charity bag.

Years ago I was living on the other side of the world with ex husband and children when he lost his job. No social security so my lively oarents sent us some money to be able to pay the mortgage and keep going for a month or so until he got another job. Other than that I have always been a giver when I can. Now I am living comfortably I support people who are raising money for selected charities. A couple of years ago an internet friend who I had met just once was in a state because she was in danger of losing her rented house as she coukdnt affird tge rent that month. I sent her the money never expecting that I would see it again. But a year later she e-mailed me asking for my bank details so she could return the money to me as she had been grateful for my help. We are still good internet friends.

It depends on which cultural lens you are viewing this from. In Honour/Shame cultures it may be seen as humiliation.

I would have been really grateful,still would in fact but won’t be happening

Please, lower the pride barrier a little and allow the giver that lovely feeling of being able to share what they have with you. Think what you are giving them as well.