Pressure on the very elderly to move house

32 years ago we bought our present house from an old lady of 84 who was moving into a granny annex her loving son built for her. She lasted six months.

I'm (age 66) just having a ground floor extension with shower facilities so I, hopefully, don't have to move from a house and area I love. My adult daughters are close by (3 miles and 15 miles ) and I have contact with them most days so I think I'll be able to cope in my dotage without having to move!

Think about the practicalities of ageing and plan a sensible move - not necessarily to sheltered housing- while you can enjoy it and it's your own choice. I've seen so many people sure they'll be fine but precipitated into a move by a crisis. Prepare for the worst but hope for the best. Just don't leave it too late.

I understand your concerns, however, if they moved the daughter would be on hand to help with doctors appointments etc. My Dad lived 250 miles from me and was in hospital because he a serious tummy bug and was dehydrated. When I got there, they had taken the drip away and said they had to have his permission to reinstate it, even though he was in no state to do so. Luckily I had power of attorney for health, I said if they don’t reinstate the drip, I will apply to do it through the POA. Suddenly, they came back and said he has agrees. Within hours he was back to his old self. With these situations, it’s not always possible for the children to be there and for peace of mind it’s better move near them. As soon as I retired last year, I moved up to Edinburgh to be near my children, I haven’t looked back, it’s great.

At the age of 95 l am still living in my bungalow with daily help to do housework and garden. My son lives the other side of the country but would come if I needed him. I am more or less housebound but could not bear to move from familiar surroundings.
My sister moved my mother when she was ninety to a sheltered accommodation bungalow and she hated it.
I know of two ladies who moved into granny flats with their we sons and are very unhappy.

Witzend. How can you determine when a person will become 'frail and elderly'.Should an active and healthy person on retirement, and life expectancy is far greater now, think to themselves 'That's it then, better think of selling up and downsizing or booking myself into a retirement home as I never know what the future holds for me?

New gran, you mention an interesting point. We don't all have loving relationships with our parents as much as we would wish for this.

My mum, 84, moved last year from her home of 53 years 130 miles away to live in a sheltered flat very near us. She has not been happy, as she has found many things wrong with the set-up there (such as the modern cooker!), even though others like it. She chose a flat but now misses her garden. My brother is not far away but too busy to help much, so she is dependent on my husband and me as she won't make friends with other residents or join in social activities. I've never been close to my mum so am finding it hard and my health is suffering a bit from the stress. But if she'd stayed in her old home, with her vertigo making falls ever more likely, that wouldn't have been easy either. I think a lot depends on the nature of the person: my mum is pretty lucky compared with many, but sadly is a person who finds it hard to be happy anywhere.

I would just like to say that anyone who is thinking of moving, do it while you still can. My DH is 75 and I’m nearly 73, and we’re moving out of our town house to a bungalow next week. The whole process has been incredibly stressful, mostly because of the inefficiency of our agents. I don’t think we could have coped if we were any older. We’ve only been in this house for 9 years, so don’t have mountains of stuff like we did from our last house where we’d lived for 30 years. I really don’t want our daughters to have to clear out loads of stuff when we snuff it!

My FIL is 93 today and still living independently in the family home, despite my BIL pressurising him to move closer to them. We said it was entirely up to him and would never force him. His sister moved to a McCarthy and Stone flat from a draughty old house and is very happy, so it all depends on the person. FIL has his routines and that keeps him happy, we thought it would lead to deterioration very quickly if he moved.

Wouldn't recommend a move away from the area your neighbours will know so well. They will have links with GP, dentist, shops, friends and neighbours. Let alone the upheaval of moving they will feel lost in a new environment. Surely their house can have adaptations to help them cope if needed. The daughter is being selfish.

One of our elderly neighbours turned 80 and was struggling to live in the house on her own (she has been a widow for 10+ years) but refused to leave, no matter how much her daughter pleaded with her. But after a fall (she never wore her pendant and had been lying there for nearly 24 hours when found, so it gave her quite a shock) she finally agreed to move into a small flat, just 10 minutes from her house. When I went to visit her for the first time, I expected tears but she was bright and cheery and told me: "I love my little flat; I should have done this years ago!" The problem with change is that we can only see what we're losing and we don't know what we will gain after the change. It's a lesson I've really taken on board.

While I can understand why elderly frail people in an oversized home they cannot maintain and unable to afford the help they need, would be encouraged to move the OP in another post on this thread makes it clear that these problems do not apply to this couple

They ^live in a warm, perfectly manageable house. They aren't averse to outside help - they have carers in daily to help with various things. They are well organised with a taxi co. to take them to familiar shops and a cafe where they are well known. There is a corner shop close by they can get to - one goes on a mobility scooter. There is a big hospital just down the road, so that after the occasional fall, an ambulance has arrived within minutes. They are both still perfectly well able to use the phone.
They have neighbours - not just us - ^

If they move they will leave all their social back-up behind to move somewhere, where they know no-one and where they will be entirely dependent on their DD. She may end up wishing they had stayed in their present home

It seems to me that, in a case like this a move is quite unnecessary and could be disastrous. Yes, it may be a bit inconvenient for their children, one of whom doesn't live that far away, but compared with the upheaval and change concomitant on a move....

After divorcing I have moved twice in my 60's. I am now in a lovely flat just down the road from both daughters and grandchildren. I am still healthy, work part time and drive. When I get older if I need to give up the driving there is a good free bus service which would get me to GP dentist, shops etc so am glad I made the move early and will never have to move again. I do miss where I lived before ( you can take the girl out of Wales but not Wales out of the girl) but it is more than compensated by being so near family and they are on hand to help with any problems without disrupting their own lives which are very busy. As I downsized there will not be loads to sort when I pop my clogs but I think it's different if you have been a happy couple living a long time in the same house, a lot of good memories. Unfortunately that was not me

One will die and one will be left . Will neighbours care for the needs of the one who will then be living alone?

Oh dear reading these posts has really made me feel unsettled. I have been trying to get my DH to agree to downsizing to a smaller property for some time now. He has a chronic illness and i suffer with my back and our home is largish - 3 bedrooms and a large garden- to be maintained. It is me that does the maintainance really as he gets too breathless to really do much. We bought paint and paper to decorate our lounge and kitchen months ago and it still hasnt been done.The whole of upstairs really needs doing as well, it is not dirty or tatty just needs freshening up but i cannot see it getting done any time soon. He is adamant that he wants to stay here but i want to move so what do i do under those circumstances. I have worked with the elderly so have seen the effect of moving late in life and the effect of having to rely on others to do stuff for you.I would rather do it now while we can at least do our own packing and sorting out what we need and what can go. Anyone else had this kind of division in the home???

I am in the process of trying to get myself ready for when I am old and less able. I was carer for my late parents and I know how hard it is to be the sole carer. 4 Care Agency visits a day are not enough even with a family carer as well.
I have also seen other family members who have tried to "inherit before death" so I know to be careful on that side of things too.
I have a number of properties and those are being sold off now. It is too much bother to be a landlord on my own.
Some properties are ones which were bought for reasons and have no emotional connections. Other properties have been in the family for 25, 55 and 70 years. These are a bit harder to consider selling but it has to be done.
I thought I was about decided on where I want to buy the next property but parts of this thread have highlighted some things that I really need to check some more on.
Given what I saw as a carer with both the NHS and SSin relation to their care of the elderly I am fearful for the future. The NHS and SS are quite highly paid for their services and have a legal duty of care, a family carer is on a low benefit, no training and legal duties. It is long past time that elderly care was made to work properly.

I am currently looking into buying my last home as where I am is a lot to look after and maintain on my own. I'm doing it while I am ok, fit and active, nearly 70. I have a place in mind not far at all from shops, bus routes, GP, dentist, a family member....less rooms, smaller gardens, very manageable. And I will have a bit of money over to supplement my very low pension.

I have witnessed my neighbour [80's] who refused to move to be nearer her daughter who had to come over 3 times a week despite having problems of her own. Neighbour otherwise was isolated and whenever I offered to help she would always refuse saying her daughter would see to it all. This went on for years. I personally thought the daughter could do with a break.

Neighbour needed an operation greatly affecting her mobility so more pressure on the family, then later became ill and had to move out anyway. It could all have been easier if she had moved earlier but I can see why she wanted to stay in her home, which was lovely, where she had lived with her husband and family for 60 years.

But I have decided not to do the same, as although neighbour stayed put she was often miserable and most times alone.

Jalima, sometimes the help is not good enough. That would worry me as I have witnessed a really inferior standard of care involving one older client.
If the family is not close enough to monitor the standard of care personally they have to rely on other people reporting back.
It is such a difficult decision for everyone to make. I/we already know that if our home becomes too difficult to manage I/we will move. I hope I’ve got it hard wired into ny brain.
I want to keep as much independence as possible and make looking after me as simple as possible for my DD’s.

DH has had many health problems from quite a young age. I think because of that we made the decision to move into a flat where we don't need to maintain the garden or exterior decorating. There is a lift and we are close to shops. I think it is a decision that people should think about when they are fit and reasonably young and healthy. I know many who have left it too late. Living remotely then not being able to drive, having large gardens they can't cope with, having falls and not having anyone close at th and to help. It is a really diffiult decision to make especially if you live in a home where you are happy and have good neighbours. We are happy we made the right decision for us at a time when we could sort it out for ourselves.

And......you kind of do if it’s your parents FarNorth.

I second that oldbatty

Please anybody reading this do not assume things will be fine and it's just a matter of ringing a few care agencies and help is at hand.

That is not the case for me, my husband and several friends who find themselves in this situation.

Well there is no easy or right answer. I guess each family does what they think is right at the time. Sometimes it works out and sometimes not. I imagine they will work it out themselves.

It costs a lot of money to move house and, if they are determined to stay put, that money could be used for help.