Pressure on the very elderly to move house

Monica yeah I guess I can see that POV, overthinging things that are drawn out can make it worse sometimes

There is no need for any move to be painful and strung out....because let's face it most people on here are basically loaded.

So just make sensible plans and do away with this talk of people dying months after a move. Perhaps being holed up with 4 lots of visits from " carers" is a sort of death.

notanan Been there, done it. In many ways it was easier than a long planned strung out move. As you say the train hits the buffers one day and things are done in a rush. My aunt and uncle were moved to a care home, with little notice. They thought at first they were on holiday then when they realised it was permanent they were very cross and dismissed me from their lives, then three weeks later wondered why they hadn't seen me.

After two months they were moved to a another more suitable home, which they loved because they could have a bird table outside in sight of their room.

We were then able to take our time over sorting and selling the house without them present and getting distressed. My uncle lived another 2 years, my aunt, 6

MOnica I see the QUESTION differently to you

A moderately stressful move now with time to chose carefully or an incredibly traumatic short notice move soon/later to wherever is available with 2 days notice.

Monica..its not either/or?

notonan....I think I was making the same point as you?

notanan2 They may be having falls but they have a strong support structure of carers and neighbours round them.

What would you prefer a happy life in your own home and risk a fall that could end your life or the disruption, confusion and unhappiness of a house change, with an early death because you are distressed by all the changes?

I agree MissAdventure
When DH and I bought our first home we bought one that could grow with our future needs, should we chose to have children etc. Now we are looking at homes that would remain accessable/convertable so that if one of us became ill, we wouldn't have to do an emergency move on top of all that

I had a will and life insurance etc from my early 20s, I just couldnt relax in the now knowing I was winging it for the future.

That does not mean we arent living and enjoying life!

It makes sense, just as paying into a pension does, I would think.
I'm ready to book myself into the nearest old peoples home, should it become necessary.
I wouldn't expect to burden my two grandsons.

Of course it is still their choice, but I can see the childrens points of view.. maybe the next fall will be the "bad" one, and they will be the ones tasked with finding a place for their parent with hospital discharge/bed managers breathing down their neck. And something must have prompted their sense of urgency, potentially that one of those "minor" falls you heard about wasn't all that minor.

Everything has a price. If you dont do any forward planning now that debt will fall to your loved ones later, and you cant expect them to be happy about that, much as they care and want to help

Well oldbatty it is fairly well documented that once people BECOME frail, change CAN kill them.

But the change will be increasingly traumatic the longer its put off. And the change will also be more traumatic if it is done as a result of an "incident" with short notice than if it can be done in a more controlled manner now.

In frail elderly people falls aren't just falls its a bit more complex.

As for not living for the future, personally if I know I have ducks in a row for the future it makes me more relaxed and able to enjoy the present tense.

I don't think we can draw conclusions based on anecdotes about family members.
For every person who moves and dies quickly there will be others who move and thrive.

MOnica thats fine but these are people who are already frail enough to be having falls. Plural. So its a bit different to your examples

I am sorry but I refuse to live, what may be 30 or more years of my life, planning for what may never happen. If we think like that the best thing to do will be to move into a care home the day we retire.

My father lived alone and completely independently, apart from a cleaner and gardener until his short final illness at 92

I have two aunts, well into their 90s still living independently in a similar manner. One is about to undertake her third house move in six years. The second move was a move to live near a single daughter, who died of cancer earlier this year at the age of 61. So moving near to children is not a sure panacea for any problems She is now moving again, to be near another daughter.

I agree that that sort of move works best if done BEFORE its needed and to do it now WILL affect them

However if they are already falling then realistically what is likely to happen next is one of them will have a bad fall that they don't recover from and alternative housing will have to be found very fast under pressure from a hospital that wants to discharge them yesterday. At least if done now time could be spend finding a nicer sheltered flat or retirement home or whatever than you would be able to get at very short notice & under pressure. You also are unlikely to find double accommodation for a couple at that sort of short notice. So while moving now isnt ideal, it may still be better than the upcoming alternatives.

In my experience once my relatives start getting so frail that theyre having falls, they also massively play down the falls to neighbours and friends. A "little trip" was actually a head injury and a "long lie" (which means a fall that they couldnt get back up to until their partner got back home and found them)

I am amazed that people in their sixties are preparing for their old age
Yes, it would seem to be rather a defeatist, resigned attitude Bijou.

However, perhaps 'be prepared' is a good motto and perhaps downsizing, disposing of 'junk' may release some money so that people can enjoy their retirement, perhaps travelling instead of looking after a larger house and even larger garden.

Looks like Homeshare doesn't extend to the West Midlands.... pity as it seems the ideal solution for some people.

I am amazed that people in their sixties are preparing for their old age. I was 63 when my husband died after we had been touring around Europe with a caravan for ten years. After another two years I returned to the bungalow which had been rented and redecorated and renovated it myself. Until I was in my 80s I went on coach holidays abroad and visited relations in America and Barbados as well as still doing all the redecorating and gardening.

Life is constantly changing, nothing stays the same however much we may want it to. If we don’t accept that and adapt ac it can become very difficult. Houses are at the end of the day are bricks and mortar, however much we invest emotionally in them.

You can't!

How do families with an aged relative convince the aged rel to use the internet for contact? My aged MIL absolutely refuses to get online, even in the simplest form. I have tried everything to persuade her, even finding a local tutor, who she knew, to call by and offer to help. Obviously we would have paid him. I know, that if she was online, all her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren would send pics and notes all the time.
She lives at least 200 miles from any relative so contact is not frequent, though as often as feasible. But she constantly whinges about lack of contact. She is housebound but copes well on her own.

It was the leaves last year which finally persuaded DH that it was time to move. The thing with leaves is each year the trees get bigger, therefore more leaves, at the same time we get older and less able inclined to spend the time raking and disposing of them. We have been very fortunate and moved half a mile into a very nice bungalow which should suit us until the end.

It could be the leaves that might persuade DH in the end NfkD

I wanted to move and downsize soon after my DH retired early through ill health, but he didn’t. We’d worked hard for our home and loved it. Eventually he decided for himself though when, after spending the previous day raking up leaves (our house backed woodland), he opened the back door and an avalanche of newly fallen leave fell in! We sat and made a list of pros and cons and the pros had it easily. It then took two years to sort out and whittle down the contents of a large four bedroom house, garage and four sheds. Then another eighteen months to sell and find somewhere we agreed on. I think you need to be fairly fit and mentally alert to tackle the upheaval. I would advise anyone to think ahead and move before it becomes too much of a challenge.

We moved to a lovely town with everything we need within easy walking distance and plenty going on. We haven’t regretted it at all.

My elderly neighbor, when his ACs tried to talk him into moving (to a flat at first, then as he got older to sheltered home) so that he would be nearer them used to retort, "I'm where we've always been, you're the ones who decided to move away!" So between them they were up and down several times a week until he passed away. Nice family