children

Brendaj, your explanation throws a different light on things. I think you are still grieving, not just of the loss of your husband, but the life you had with him. Is travelling difficult for your children if they are registered blind. If you only saw your children occasionally when your husband was alive, in their eyes, why would things change. As a therapist, I am a great believer in talking. People aren't mind readers, and although things seem obvious to us, it isn't always obvious to our children (especially if they are male.) Not being sexist here, but having sons things have to be spelt out! I often a family meal every now and again. Needs some work and juggling, but every one has a great time when we manage it.
It's not easy making friends as you get older, but maybe join a social group where the organiser can meet you and introduce you to people (Meetups are great), or maybe something on here to see if there are people in your area who would like to meet for a group coffee.
Allow yourself to grieve, maybe think of CRUSE bereavement support service, take your time, and be kind to yourself. x

I've found that those who've been reliant on their husbands then suddenly find themselves on their own find it difficult to adapt to being alone and all in all feel pretty hopeless and helpless and no amount of help etc from family can fill that void.
oldbatty suggested going to see the GP and I would take up that suggestion first and foremost rather than sit and dwell on things that you don't feel able to do or your health will suffer.
We're all different when left in such situations as the more independent ones amongst us can/do eventually forge ahead but obviously Brenda can't when she's feeling low. I wish you well and hope you take the advice.x

brenda I echo what oldbatty has said. I am currently not my usual busy self, laid low with a bad back. Having to sit about and do far less than usual has given time for me to " notice" other symptoms, think about potential problems in the family, the world etc. I have felt miserable because of it & am consciously trying to manage this negative attitude. I am not alone in this I am sure. But see your GP and talk about it.

Brenda, the more I read your posts, the more I'm thinking possibly depression. How about a trip to the GP?

That's kids for you. Only ring/text if they want summat...usually money.

I agree with Dolcelatte. You are not going to be happy if you look to your children to sort your problems for you.

Brendaj, I understand your disappointment but possibly you are expecting more than they are prepared to give. I second what other posters have said, that you need to focus on yourself and find interests, hobbies, hopefully friends, rather than expecting you children to sort out your loneliness, when they probably have very busy live. also, be a bit more proactive, if you can, although you do sound quite low the moment. As others have said, even small changes can make a big difference.

Brenda you have received so many insightful posts which may well be ringing many bells for you and of course you are the only one who will really know how close to home they are. You come over as very down in the dumps which is not surprising with all that has happened recently. You might need a tonic at the very least so do go and get checked out at the doctors.
From what you say it does seem that you need to try and get out and about more, join things, take up hobbies and interests and/or perhaps do some voluntary work. Your local church might be a good place to start as they often have all kinds of activities going on through the week. Even walking would help in different ways. Writing poetry is a lovely thing to be able to do and you may find a club dedicated to that where you would find a few kindred spirits. If you feel it necessary you could start within your own home to make it an attractive place to invite a neighbour in to and sometimes just having a look around and working out some small refurbishment in your home can be a real tonic of itself.
I do wonder how often you are in touch with your children by phone and how much interest you take in their lives and how much you know about their work, their friends, their homes etc. My children are a very long way off entailing many hours of travel for us all when we visit each other so the phone is really important in our family. The key to maintaining contact is little and often so that it is not burdensome, keeping it light and happy and being interested in them and pleased for their success and joys. Whilst it is not always easy you do need to be someone your young people are glad to talk to rather than them dreading another recitation of a catalogue of woes - which is something we all need to take care not to do!
This getting older business is not for the faint hearted nor for sissys! We all need to take stock regularly and work out what we ourselves need to do to improve our lives and not only get more enjoyment ourselves but spread it around too.
(((Hugs))) and to you and I hope you find your way forward.

I live south of Abingdon, so Banbury is a bit too far, but we have called into the shopping sheds by the motorway once or twice on regular journeys north.

I tried Newbury this autumn, as it is just down the A34 from me but found it not as good as it looks, so it is back to Witney.

Day6
A really lovely comment.

You seem to have a lot of sadness and illhealth in your life which understandable colours everything.

Do you feel a bit low Bren? You have had a lot to deal with.

How about maybe starting with something simple like saying you would like to meet up, possibly half way?

The OP says her daughter works full time and is visually impaired/registered blind .Looks to me as if she has a lot on her own plate without trying to travel long distances to visit her mum.Surely mum could take some travel sickness pills and go visit them ,

My ‘children’ (mid and late forties) have recently been tested in this respect. I became ill and was in hospital for six weeks and still unwell now. My sons, who live 200 miles away, could not have been better. They dealt with all practicalities, including finding me a suitable flat to move into as it had become clear I could no longer cope with my largish, old house. They visited frequently, if necessary going to and from London by train in one afternoon.

I was and am impressed. I didn’t know they would be so good - they’ve never had to be before, as I have been quite independent. I’m really pleased.

I agree with day6.
I'm sorry you're feeling so down, Brenda
Please try to find a little something that you can do, just for yourself.

BrendaJ, I feel much sympathy for your plight.

However, I am just going to raise the point that I think the world has changed so much that family ties, obligations, duty, love etc, seem to have gone out of the window.

Oh I am perfectly aware that we don't have children so they can look after us in our old age, but Brenda is clearly lonely, not very well and has limitations.

I am also aware that we cannot place obligations on our adult children.

However, as recently as the turn of the century I had a growing family, children with needs, a full time job, no husband or adult relatives nearby and did my utmost to ensure that my old Mum, lonely, fairly frail and in need of company, outings, hospital visits, help in the house etc, was looked after. I did my very best to ensure she was happy and felt cherished because - well, because I LOVED her and she had been a wonderful Mum to me.

It was as simple as that. I went the extra mile for her, which was a labour of love, exhausting, difficult and quite stressful. It came with the territory - family.

I wouldn't have been able to sleep at night if I'd neglected her needs.

Of course we all have different relationships with our folks, and yes, many of our grown children live some distance away, but if they don't intervene or care, who will?

It is not impossible to make arrangements to see each other. If you care, you do it if you possibly can.

Just saying. Mine may be an old fashioned view, but really, where is the love if Brenda's children don't enquire or show some concern and action?

I get the feeling many older folk feel quite invisible as far as their adult children are concerned. Is 'neglect' the term? I find it very sad.

I wish you well brendaj

But Brenda you have got your health back, you had illnesses that you recovered from and its time now to put that behind you. You can take travel sickness tablet, I use Boots own as they don't make me sleepy. Visit you children or arrange to meet halfway. The first time will be the hardest but it should give you some confidence to try again. Deep breath and just do it.

Brendaj.... I feel for you. I live close to both my kids...I make a point of always offering THEM help and support...I still see that as my job. My daughter is going through a separation at the moment and needs more support , as does my SIL , as he has no family but us! I promised his mum I’d ‘look out for him’ when she died 9 years ago and I always will! Why wouldn’t I...I am very fond of him. My own son doesn’t need much support as he’s unmarrued and lives alone with a wide circle of friends...sometimes needs a bit of cash....( as in v. low paid job) but not often. I rarely ask them for help as I like to be as independent as possible ...and I have an elderly husband to care for...but I know if I did they would come running . It’s easy because they live close. Try to be a little more independent and not ‘brood’ so much on your negative issues, try helping those less fortunate and don’t be always thinking what others can do for you. I’m guessing you were solely reliant on your husband for your identity...never s good thing. Get out there and see who needs YOUR help and/or company.

I didn’t have my kids to look after me when I’m old or sick. That is NOT their responsibility
I really agree with this. It’s lovely when they want to do their bit but it isn’t their responsibility. In some ways, not expecting this seems to have the opposite effect.
I think most people find it hard to break into a clique. Maybe if you enjoy arts and crafts, you could join some classes which tend to be less cliquey or poetry groups which are getting very popular - lots of young people are now really into poetry so it is getting much more prevalent.

I have three grown up children. Two sons, about two hours drive away and my daughter, the only one with children, twenty minutes away. The boys visit reasonably regularly and I visit them too, but not so often. I see my daughter every week in addition to babysitting on average once a month. But at times through health, when I've needed help and support it is my boys who will drop everything and be there. My daughter saying she can't as she has her own family to look after now. It does hurt at times. But I have had a sensible and honest friend suggest that she can't cope with me being unwell, she is still young and still needs her mum to be the strong and the one who is there to offer her support. I hope as she matures more this will change, but I think my friend has a valid point and I just have to accept that is how it is.

I am sorry Brenda, you aren’t alone in feeling like this, I think many grandparents feel the same and it’s not helped when others seem to have frequent happy family time together.
I think adult children do seem very wrapped up in how busy they are, despite managing to spend/waste hours on social media which if they limited themselves would give them more time to get on with whatever keeps them so busy.
Try not to be upset about it, your children having sight problems have more difficulties than others but maybe FaceTiming /Skyping might help keep communication open.
Keep on with your craft activities and try to get out if you can. Yes some places are cliquey, it’s difficult, but keep on keeping on.

thank you for replying to .me. I do have hobbies etc but nothing fills the emptiness I feel inside from losing my husband.
i do not expect my children to come and visit me every weekend but if I say aren't you coming to see me.they just say it is hard to for them to fit me in. just make me think that they are to wrapped up in their own lives to spare me any of their time. the reason I say this is because I miss them both so much. even though I have said this to both of them it has not made any difference to them just wish they had a different attitude to me.

I have tried to make friends but it isn't easy. i find that clubs are clicky. people just go an sit with there friends and do not want to mix with other people.do other people find the same thing?
I write poems and have put them on all kinds of everything website.they have had 216 views so far. which has amazed me.did not think they would get one.I also like drawing and painting.but all things do not make up for the loss I feel inside.
another thing I miss is we had a car so we used to go out every day even if it was just for coffee. We had booked to go on holiday on Monday but I went to his funeral instead.really miss our days out together now.

I am lucky all 3 of my children who have moved out live within 10 minutes of me, the other son is still at home. I see or speak to 2 of them nearly every day, the other son not so much but he is nearby. I think you reap what you sow. That’s why we are such a close family. I have health issues and know that they are there if needed, but on the other side I am there if they need me. I do not complain and make any chats all about me, which is the way to drive family away. Most importantly I do NOT expect anything from them. I didn’t have my kids to look after me when I’m old or sick. That is NOT their responsibility as you seem to infer. Family love is unconditional.
You need to make the effort to contact them more, but do not make it all about you. You seem to think that they should be there for you, but that is not their problem!! To be honest reading your thread you come across as a needy person who expects too much from your family. It is not their duty to look after you.
Please try and get out to clubs, or anywhere else, that you can meet people. Do remember though that everyone has their own problems and do not make conversations all about you.

It might also be worth investigating charities who have people to visit older people who have no family around them. It might just take some of the angst out of life if you had someone to talk to you and actively wanted to visit you. That would at least give you a bit of company until the time you want to brave the world at large.

I know it's hard and I feel for you but if you could just give going out, going to any event on your own it honestly will get easier and before you know it you will be encouraging others too! It's hard not to come higher up our children's priority list but that's very common and thousands of older, lone parents are having to find ways round it. Ask if you can visit. If they put you off it doesn't mean they don't care but are busy & engrossed in their lives. So ask again - say for one night? Or stay in a B&B nearby and pop in! If you wait for them to offer & they don't, you will just get more resentful so make the first move & perhaps it will break the ice & establish a new pattern. Be brave! Very best of luck! xx