One step forward. Two steps back.

justwokup your friend was so right. I have so few memories of my husband, just thoughts of what might have been.

Such a lot of help and support, and Annie and JustGrandma what thought provoking viewpoints. I don't know if this would help anyone else, and apologies if you find this harsh, but it helped me so much so many years ago and I keep coming back to it again and again over the years. My no-nonsense friend quietly said to me 'I know you are full of grief, but remember that's because you have so many wonderful memories and you love and miss him so much. Better to have had that happiness, and suffer now, than to be like me and not care one bit.' Sadly, her insight was because she had had a long and abusive relationship but, in sharing that with me, she helped me accept that grief, although overwhelming, was natural and somehow had a positive side.
An expert on the radio said that it takes 13 months to get over the awful first stage of grief - all the year of 'first anniversaries' over. I'm sure everyone goes through all the stages of grief at their own pace but, yes, the first year being over was a relief. Thinking of you Polskasue.

My husband died suddenly six years ago, I coped most days by keeping busy and after a year started doing things I hadn't done for years, travelling, crafting. The first year is the worst, now you have to move forward for your sake and your family. I'm sure your husband would be happy you do. Take care of yourself xxx

Thank you, JustGrandma. Excellent post.

Thank you Justgrandma for your lovely words. I lost my partner nearly a year ago after a short illness, he was only 54. I’m finding life tough but try to see joy in grandchildren, friends & family. Some bad days, some good days and some ok days. It’s the loss of our future I find hard but trying slowly to keep going. All your words are a comfort. Thank you for sharing. ((Hugs)) ?

sluttygran - that's exactly it.

I don’t think it gets easier, you just learn to live with it. My husband died 29 years ago, our children were 5 & 4 at the time.... I found the approach to the “first” of each event after his death extremely difficult but as the years pass it eases slightly. Fortunately or unfortunately the world doesn’t stop just ‘cos 1 person wants to get off. You’ve come a long way learning to deal with all the new challenges, you will go further still.... x

Thank you Mawbroon and Grandmac. I will do as you suggest. Many Thanks for the advice

Thank you for taking the time to leave me such wonderful messages. It is a comfort to read them. My love goes out to you all. XXX

Loss never gets easier, but you do learn to live with it

I think Coconut touched on the crux of the matter, of course the anniversary is hard but perhaps also you have been so busy 'doing' that you haven't allowed yourself to fully grieve. I haven't lost a husband but did lose my adult son suddenly and unexpectedly and all the sorting out was done by me. It was a lot and there are still a few unresolved things. All you can do is keep on keeping on but once all the work is done you do have a lot more time to think.

To all of you who have lost your partner I hope you can find some comfort in your memories. I doubt that you will ever get over your loss and some memories will always bring tears. Not even a memory but the song Thank you for the Days had me feeling desolate last week.

Keffie

Effie and everyone who is grieving

I spent a year having intense and awful flashbacks to my late husband's last few weeks in hospital. It was fairly horrific. But once the 12 month anniversary had passed they seemed to fade away. I hope you have the same experience.

My most sincere sympathies to all those of you who have suffered the death of a loved one.
I don’t think you ever get over such loss, but eventually most people get used to the change, and manage to move on.

In the words of a very wise old friend of mine :
“You just keep on living until one day you feel alive again.”

I do hope that this day is not too long arriving for you all.

Lindylou57 For the first 10years after my husbands death my sister sent flowers or a plant on the anniversary date. I greatly appreciated it and it certainly didn’t make me any more upset. I asked her to stop after 10 years as I felt that it might have become burdensome for her. She has always also phoned me on this day and also on his birthday. I have adopted these practices with friends who have been bereaved and it seems to always be well received. So please acknowledge these special days to your sister.

I think it would be a nice gesture lindylou57
I was very touched by a message from Paw’s sister on what would have been his 71st in September.
Just nice to know he was remembered by more than me.

I also find myself reliving so much of the past, Polka and I am not sure if it gets any easier over time but it rubs the sharp edges off iyswim. You never totally accept it but learn to live with your grief.

Quick question whilst on this subject. Its coming up to my late brother in laws birthday in December. He died in January this year. Do I acknowledge what would have been his 70th to my dear sister and send a Thinking of you card and do I also acknowledge the day he died in January by send a card or flowers? He is the first of my siblings spouses to die and I dont know if there is a protocol of sorts for these matters. I dont want her to think I dont care because I know how hard its been for her since his death but I dont want to upset her further.

I too lost my husband this year. Thank you for posting about your feelings and your husband.

My husband was and is a remarkable man who was and is the dad he didn't have to be to me and mine. He was and is step dad legally however my 4 see him as dad as their biological one has thet call him us a waste of space to be polite about it (ex violent and abusive)

Our eldest son put his name on his marriage certificate 2 years ago as step dad of the groom. It blew our minds away. We didn't expect that.

My late husband took on so much with us. He hadn't been well for a couple of years. He was 60. His passing was still unexpected. He contracted sepsis last October and never fully recovered as those who survive don't. Even healthy people.

My earthly body grieves yet for me my husband is still with me on spirit. It is not I am. I still talk in the we and our such as out adult children, our grandchildren etc.

I still talk with my husband everyday. Natter to his picture and so on.

Death ended my husband life. It didn't end our relationship. It is just different now as I adjust to being legally a widow.

I tell people I am married which in my eyes I am. I only use the word widow when it comes to legal forms such as the bank etc.

I wear my husband wedding ring below mine on the third finger left hand.

My husband isn't a was to me. He is an is. When he passed his love and all he was and is to us didn't disappear.

We recently went on holiday to our beloved soul home where we go every year where we know everyone locally and the returning visitors like ourselves.

I took photos with me of him for the apartment. A small one of him fishing off the beach there and one taken on our last night there last year. Yes I took one down in the day and one on a night. It was appreciated because they had a visual too.

Yes it was an emotional rollercoaster however absolutely the right think to do to go back and I shall continue to as also it's what my husband wanted.

I will be reunited with my husband one day when it's my time of that I know. I/we have/had strong faiths. Not of the "religious" variety. I have had too many experiences over the years and at the time of my husband passing to know it to be true.

Just sharing my experiences of what works for me. None of you are I who are widowed. You are still we to me.

Everything you had and have with your husband's hasn't gone. Take a look around you. Your children, grandchildren, photos, home and so on. He has just gone through another door in advance of you. I still also sldep with my husband favourite bits of clothing I kept. I took his fave knitted zip on cardi on hold I threw around my shoulder on a chilly night too.

I too get tired of people saying I am so strong. I don't have an option in it.

I live in answers, keep busy, help others. I dont like it, I don't approve and as sure as he'll I didn't give my permission to the universe for this however I have to get on with it.

I could only get grateful when I realised I would rather have known my husband for a "moment" than not at all. Ì would rather walk this earth with grief until it's my time than not to have met him. My husband was and is the best that happened to me and mine.

I don't think you stop grieving. It doesn't get better. It gets different I have heard. So far I would agree with that. It's a very personal journey we each walk alone and find our own way in.

I know I am blessed as I have so much love and support around me. Far more than most. Oh there is still plenty of tissues and tears. There always will be.

Your post takes me back to the loss of my husband 8 years ago. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I would agree with most of the replies that it takes quite a while to comprehend and deal with the loss of a husband, it is like no other loss because you don't just lose the person, your whole life becomes different. A life you don't know and didn't ask for. Like you, the first year was full of sorting things, living on adrenaline, coping, but when that all settles down and you realise that this is now your lot in life it can be very depressing and lonely. 2 years after my husband died I forced myself to go on a singles coach trip for 5 days. I felt it was about time I 'pulled myself together'. I sat on that coach with tears rolling down my face and not wanting to be there. Not wanting to be that person. I agree with lovebooks post - the absence of 'we' and let's' is horrible. I also got to about 5 years and wondered if this was ever going to feel better. I thought there must be something wrong with me that I was still feeling this way.

This all sounds fairly gloomy - BUT - there is light at the end of the tunnel. About two years ago I suddenly realised I was enjoying living on my own. I realised I'd gradually been carving out a new life for myself and I was enjoying it. I wake in the morning and don't automatically think of what I've lost. I feel I've completely changed as a person and that I truly know who I am. So my message to you is that you will get there, you will heal, and you may even like the new life and person you've become. We all do it in different ways and in our own time. Accept that people will be utterly insensitive and try not to let it get to you - friends that I consider to be close have been outrageously insensitive over the last 8 years. It's been suggested (by married people who have no clue what widowhood is like) that I'm wallowing, that I need to 'get out there' etc - all said in a caring way, but all making me feel worse. Making me feel judged, not helped. What worked for me was indulging my creativity. I've always been very creative, so instead of forcing myself to go out, join clubs, go on singles holidays, attend parties full of couples, I shunned all that and just totally indulged my creativity. I devote whole days or even weeks to an art or craft project, listening to music or the radio as I work, with lunch in the garden for some fresh air or a quick walk round the block. I like this new life and it's opened up a world I could never have expected. I still have days when I miss my husband so very, very much and on those days I cry and wallow and sob and call his name. I give into it. So I'm sending you love along with this message - don't be hard on yourself, cry when you need to, shout out IT'S NOT FAIR, when you need to, don't feel you 'should' be doing anything, ignore insensitive people (they probably have your best interests at heart but they have no idea what you're going through so their advice is often not useful), explore things which make your heart sing - even if that's staying in all day and bingeing on box sets, don't feel obliged to accept invitations that will make you feel sad and lonely and reinforce that you're alone, just because someone else has decided it 'will be good for you'. It's ok to refuse. Ask for help with practical things that could be dodgy such as involving ladders or heavy weights, but otherwise have a go at things you previously would have left to your husband. If you feel it would be helpful, seek bereavement counselling at your local hospice (your husband doesn't have to have died there).

You will get there, just be very, very kind to yourself while you're healing, because you have been through terrible shock and trauma in the last year. Pat yourself on the back at every opportunity for the milestones you reach. Masses of love and hugs to you and all widowed people on this site.

As a final word to anyone reading this who still has their partner - please just give a little thought when you're talking about your life to a widowed/divorced/single friend. I have one friend who I love dearly, we've known each other since childhood, but all of our conversations are about her and her husband. WE did this, WE did that, oh WE had such a good time on our last holiday, here look at all these pictures of US on our cruise - and on and on. Whilst I love that she is enjoying life and I am truly interested in her holidays, it sometimes feels like the fact that I'm alone, that I'll never have another holiday with my husband, is being firmly rubbed in my face every time I see her. I know this is not her intention, it's just thoughtlessness. So please think before you go on and on about your wonderful life to someone who may be struggling with that.

Well I think I'll shut up now!

If ever there is a tomorrow when we're not together

There is something you must always remember

You are braver than you believe
Stronger than you seem
And smarter than you think

But the most important thing is
Even if we are apart
I'll always be with you

Winnie the Pooh

I am sure you are all familiar with this but I thought I would share it anyway to remind us how brave and strong we are.

Polkasue your post reminded me of the resilience of children. This is the reading my eight year old granddaughter chose for my husbands funeral. She did not read it in the end , the Celebrant helped her but she was so brave even wanting to do it. Just as she was brave sitting on his bed telling him about Brownie camp the week before he died and for being so loving and supportive to me and her mum ever since. She lost a lot too he was her grandad dad.

Polskasue you have acheived a lot in a short time keep on doing the same.I was in the same situation fourteen years ago when my Husband passed away suddenly so unexpectedly, it was a hard time and I think of him every day, to a point things do get better. Hugs to you

Polkasue. I am sure that as time passes your grief will change too. I am a little further on than you, my husband died 18 months ago. The first year was difficult with all the first's. His birthday, my 70th, our 50th wedding anniversary, grandchildren starting school and him not being there for them and then reliving the events leading up to his death just before the year mark.

This second year is proving to be calmer, more emotional and surprisingly more tearful but certainly calmer. I look back at the first year and it feels as if I was in a trance. Now reality has set in, this is how it is going to be and it feels somehow transitional. I am grieving but also planning and moving forward with my life. This is me, we are all different and I cannot predict how it will be for you.

Nothing prepared me for the death of my husband and it is harder than I ever thought it would be but I will survive as we all will in our own unique ways.

My husband died thirty years ago after forty years of very very happy marriage. We were so close that he used to say if he had a dirty thought I would know it. When we lost our daughter at the age of twenty and I was crying at her graveside he said that life is for the living and he would not like it if I was grieving over him.
So I kept busy and went travelling and living life to the full.