Loneliness in the news again

I agree with Flexible Friend. Loneliness is a state of mind, it is an internal thing, and no amount of suggestions to join ‘groups’, will go any way towards solving it.

The loneliness of losing your lifelong companion and partner is also very real and concrete in an entirely different way. I once read that although you never stop missing that person, you know the real grieving is over when you can internalise that person. You carry him or her around and they become part of you.

JuneS - you and I are in the same lonely place, although my husband died five years ago. Hell, isn't it?
Margs - YES!

Margs. You and me both.Two of a kind.
What's the betting you live one end of the country and myself the other.?

I agree lonliness is missunderstood it isnt just about being alone that can be ok sometimes, its about feeling alone and that can happen in Crowded room.
Its about walking home with bags of heavy shopping in the pouring rain because no one thinks to ask you if you need help.
Its about all those task and jobs you are unable to completed that your husband or paterner helped with. His absence leaves you feeling helpless and inadequate
( putting that blind up, sorting out the compture or the printer again, fixing that loo seat )
It’s the acknowladgement that no one needs/ wants you that day that week that month that year .
Its the knowing you are no ones thoughts.
It’s the coming home to an empy house and shouting its only me to a resPonse of slience .
It’s the never hearing anyone say are you OK.
ITs never having a cup of tea made for you.
It is having no to tell that you feel unwell
Its having no one to tell when you had a good day
It having no one to show your lasted hobby creation to.
It’s the looking for smaller tins of christams chocolate / christmas pudding for one person.
Its wondering what christmas moveys will be on to fill your time.
Its knowing someone will be in touch when they need something money, a car a babysitter for the week.
It is acknowing you wont receive a christmas( and for me a brithday card on christams day ) .
It a feeling of how the hell did I get here
its dealling with all the problems and worries complely alone.
It’s a feeling of anxiety
its feeling greatful when someone does speak to you
It’s a question in your head what the hell is wrong with me.
Its exchausting every avenue of support but finding you dont fit the criteia and being ignored by the so call support agencies
It can be a mental health problem
It not just retired people at ahome all day who suffer full time workers oo experience it.
Its not a definable thing its not a concept its not just one thing you can put your fingeron , its subjective complex on going , and somthing I know only too well

I wish Gransnet had an edit button dam typos

Thanks for your comment , I am one of the co-founders of Befriended . We are delighted to be able to help with the problem of loneliness , but we need more volunteers to meet more people in Mid Sussex. If you can help, get in touch.

I am not sure why its thought the government can sort out this problem, loneliness is a state of mind, an emotion, of course the GP might suggest joining something or other but surely its the people unable to leave home who have the biggest problem. Of course if the postman noticed something wrong one would hope he might raise the alarm but ours change all the time and I am sure they wouldn't have a clue who was in each house. My mum got round some of the problem by living in sheltered housing but said many times it was strange to know there was no-one left who remembered her from middle age let alone younger.

My thoughts exactly pinkjj27. I know there are plenty of people who have always lived on their own and cope, but living by myself for the first time in my sixties, it’s hard.

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If more people who lived alone had access to a computer and were able to contribute to sites like this one they would not feel so lonely.
My son volunteered to telephone a lonely person (some initiative Esther Ransom started ) but was told that because he was unable to guarantee that he could telephone at the same time on the same day each week he was not the sort of person they were looking for.
How awful for a lonely person to know that he or she has to wait until a certain time to get a 'phone call.
Far better surely to have a quick call at no pre arranged time.

JuneS ,. How I agree with your post about loneliness. I have now been on my own since losing my DH very suddenly 10 years ag this month.I still really miss having someone to share life with,someone to care for and someone special to ,hopefully, care about me. I have a DD ,SIL and two grandchildren nearby but still don’t see them often as they are busy with work (both work for NHS ) and school etc.My other two grandchildren live 300 miles away .I saw them in August for one day-after 18months!, I have several good friends but all with their own lives - and husbands in most cases. I get out as much as I can but it’s coming back to an empty flat which is the worst- specially now the evenings are drawing in so fast. Long evenings with no one ,as Esther Rantzen said,to do nothing with.
Maybe I ‘ll get used to it one day after the last ten years of not doing.

I think that loneliness falls into 2 types, those who have loneliness thrust upon them and those for whom it is something inside.

By those who have loneliness thrust upon them I am thinking of carers, one eloquently described on the radio today that as a carer for her mother with dementia, she has become more and more housebound, as the dementia got worse and it became more and more difficult for her to meet friends as she could not get out and they could not visit her at home because her mother couldn't cope with strangers. Physically disabled people unable to get out of their homes unaided are in a similar circumstance.

For this group, most have social networks they can recreate or groups they can go back to, what is needed is a regular weekly time when they can be provided with reliable regular respite care, so that they can get out and meet friends or do whatever they wish.

For many of the other lonely, even if they were given 'prescriptions' to go to a club or day centre, they would not go, they lack the confidence or feel too awkward or embarrassed to go anywhere like that by themselves and if they do go, it is a disaster, they creep in the back, hide in a corner no-one notices them so they slide out and go home and never go back.

What Lynne and others need to do, is find a way of knowing who these people are. Could health visitors, doctors or charities for the aged like Age UK pass on contacts? Then make contact with them in advance, giving them a lift, or getting someone to come with them the first time and then keep a eye on them to make sure they are drawn into the group and do not exclude themselves. Ring them before the next meeting and repeat the experience, until they have the confidence to come in the door alone by their own choice.

For those lonely because of the loss of a loved one, Many have social lives outside the home, it is inside, both the individual and the home that loneliness lies and I am not sure one can do much for that other than offer sympathy.

Culag flowers

Culag was trying to send a bunch of flowers but it didnt work thought was there though

Culag

Thank you pinkjj27. I do treat myself to them occasionally.

"Go to a group and get a hobby" is often trite and unhelpful

You can be SURROUNDED by "friendly acquaintances" and be deeply lonely.

Loneliness is about lacking deeper connections and love/genuine care. It is not solved as easily as finding "company". Loneliness in a crowd can be more crushing than being physically alone.

Sometimes reading the posts makes me feel so helpless, having no ideas or suggestions that will be of help. Just to let you know many of us are thinking of you.

Many towns have branches of the U3A (University of the 3rd Age). They hold monthly meetings and also the members organise and run study groups. E.g theatre, play reading, family history, bridge, gardening, golf, collectibles, singing, philosophy, Italian, French etc etc Very good after retirement- lots to do and many new people to meet- an idea for anyone lonely.

This idea that clubs etc are the answer to acute loneliness is helpful but flawed. It may provide an outlet for a few hours a day or a couple of days a week but it may not solve the fundamental cause. My own view is that all we need is just one person to really connect with. It may be a spouse, a partner, a friend, a neighbour but someone with whom we can have a good, long conversation with about the things that really interest us. In groups, especially of they are dominated by women, I often feel overwhelmed with everyone trying to talk at once, often about their families and I just come away feeling exhausted with it all.

SaraC.... yes, flyers were put on the notice boards at 3 GP surgeries. Also in 3 care homes. Thanks though.

Loneliness is a state of mind and as such funding classes for people through the NHS or any other route wont work. As Monica says its entirely possible to go to a class, fail to engage and end up feeling worse. A mental shift is needed and that is more the realm of therapy. I was horrendously lonely when I was younger and went along to many things only to end up locked in the loos after about fifteen minutes because no one spoke to me. I hadnt twigged that I was the one who had to do the approaching and that I was going to have to spend quite a bit of time outside my comfort zone before making any real contacts. Many groups are quite tribal and may say they are very friendly and welcoming (probably they believe it) whilst simultaneously not actually doing much to accommodate new people. One group I attended once a week for a full nine months before anyone really started to speak to me in a welcoming way, but its absolutely fine now, they are a great bunch and I am greeted as a valued stalwart. My younger self would have given up and gone off to wonder what was wrong with me, now I dont allow myself that luxury. I keep plugging away, being pleasant, not getting angst ridden about it and almost always I get there in the end. I think sometimes in this frantic world we forget that to build real ties and proper friendships takes quite a long time.

Melting Macaron....I agree that those groups, like the one I run, are not the complete answer for loneliness, as they are only open for a day or so. At my group, we have men and women mixed, and we all talk about different things. We also have a little dog there every week (he belongs to our driver) and he's a source of amusement at times. The elderly people we get seem to love him

What of those who cannot leave their homes, have no family near ?

I would repeat sooooo many points that have already been expressed. The cynic in me thinks others have got more salaried work out of this while volunteers and the like continue to get on with the task of trying to help others.