How do you change a man’s behaviour (light hearted- I think??)

Mine is useless. We have quite a large age gap, and he had been married before. When we got together, I was keen to prove that i could do all the things traditionally expected of a wife. Occasionally, I would suggest that he could do more, but he has been telling me for nearly 40 years that "you can't teach an old dog new tricks'.
I have come to the conclusion that there is something in that, but it might be the age of the relationship that is the key factor: Our younger son was an absolute nightmare. From being a toddler he would throw an almighty tantrum if asked (or told) to do anything. As a boomerang child in his mid twenties, he was unbearable, and I still have the photos of his bedroom that show what an utter tip he was prepared to live in. He couldn't cook, wouldn't clean - you get the picture! Then he met the girl who was later to become his wife (one of our two lovely dils), and over a few short months, he changed beyond all recognition.

Conclusion: the right woman can turn a man around almost overnight, but she probably has to do this at a very stage in their relationship. If only I could turn back the clock forty years and sort out his father, my DH, when we were first together!

Oh my! The OP has a tough job! I just stopped doing some things when I was working F/T and to be fair DH has always been more keen on organisation than me: he does load the dishwasher, washing machine, hang out& bring in the washing, he empties the bins when they need emptying, he changes the bed linen and wipes surfaces etc etc. Never quite to the standard I do it to but my strategy is to lower my expectation, don't moan because at least I am not doing it all the time! I shop & cook & do the garden which he does less of..but that's ok.. I won't swap him!

Never mind the chores, trying to get my other half to part with any cash is like trying to pull teeth!
Tonight, I finally spelled things out to him.
I am fed up with paying nearly all the bills because he "hasn't got any money".
A broken boiler has brought this on.
I have just paid a Vet bill of over £500.
The oven desperately needs replacing.
And now the boiler has packed up and needs repairing.
I spelled it out to him that I am fed up having to pay all the bills. He works part time, but his employers do not always pay on time. Well, he will have to get his backside into gear.
Sorry Gransnetters for offloading. When I saw this post, it just brought everything to the fore. I could scream.

Sorry again Gransnetters. I hope that I have not offended anyone. I am just a bit fed up.??

With mine it was always a balancing act, we were both always busy and what didn't get done by 8pm got left. I was his office and admin staff, remember no mobile phones then, so a lot of messages and running around, the big advantage was that I controlled the cheque book and if he wanted cash he had to ask. No real grumbles we got in quite well.

I think the answer is to get out and live on your own and leave him to his mess. I have stopped doing a lot of cleaning, don't do his washing, & if I've been at work all day (oh retired) I don't cook the evening meal. If he dosn't cook anything I suggest take out I've spent too many years doing everything I'm not spending any more and if he dosn't like it he knows where the door is

Only the elderly and delusional use teapots. Sooo passè

1974cookie

Teach your children from the very beginning and they will seamlessly carry on your teachings into their adult lives, boys, especially.
My 'boys' were working and living away from home at 16 and then and now, do all household tasks to a 'white glove' standard indeed, they won't let their wives even do their ironing as they do it so much better.
TBH, I was gobsmacked when I saw their routines re clothes and shoes plus cooking and clearing up etc and was praising my DsiL...until they pointed out that it was my sons who were due the plaudits.

It never ceases to amaze me why people want their beds made as soon as the last person is out of bed.I can't think of anything worse than a bed being remade as soon as it has been vacated. We sleep in them for god knows how many hours, think of all the heat from our bodies for all those hours.Call me lazy if you want but I never make my bed until I get in it or it is sheet changing day.Phwoar what a pong.

Get a cleaner. If he won't pay,. deduct it from your housekeeping money and feed him on potatoes, beans, lentils etc. Lots of risottos.

Or get an aupair, he might like to chat to her, you would know she was time limited so OK.

Good luck

Two things I have learned. Men never mentally get past the age of twelve and they always do what they want to do first and what has to be done second!!!

52 years in December is how long I have been trying to train DH to do some housework properly. He just skims over anything I ever ask him to help with. When DGS was born I used to visit for a week every month for about a year (had to travel 400 miles each way hence the staying) DH did manage to fend for himself and house was tidy for my return. Credit must be given though as he is terrific at DIY and fixing things takes care of the fairly large garden too but has no idea about planting which is left to me. Daily chores are a lost cause I'm afraid.

Forgive the long post but I can see you have to change the way you are looking at your lives. First of all I think it is essential to talk together and listen to each other. It really is necessary to explain how you each want to live and how you each see how this can be managed. If you cannot do this with mutual respect there will be no happiness. Sometimes people need help from a third party to ensure that the talk is non-confrontational and productive.
If you live long enough you need to continually rethink how you live. We personally are not spring chickens and not in the best of health so there has to be lots of care and consideration in our home. The following is what works for us. You need to find what works for you

I have a gem of a husband but then I have acquired the 'good enough' philosophy and also have everything organised to the 'enth degree.
DH cooks, gardens and does diy. He irons to 'spell me' but I do the washing. He places his washing sorted into the various bags in the linen box in the bathroom. It is far more likely that he will wash the dishes which don't go in the dishwasher and will also clean round the sink area. If I am able then I do it or we share the job. He will not do it in the same way that I would but that is unimportant. I can load the dishwasher better than he does so I reorganise when necessary before running it off and he laughs and is glad I have managed to get everything or nearly everything in. DH usually unloads although we sometimes do that together. I mend/sew.
There are days when I can't get my head off the pillow and DH will do literally everything that is necessary. We had to work out the best way of living within our capabilities and what help we needed to buy in to live well enough - and to still love each other! So we have a gardener/odd job man and a cleaner/general good fairy who are much valued and loved. We also have a regular window cleaner and maintenance people. When the family come they often do batch cooking for the freezer and some odd jobs.
If there is something which needs to be done it goes on a 'to do list' as DH is not a mind reader and doesn't 'see' things as I do and vice versa. I suggest who might be best able to do it or someone else to do it and Himself either agrees or cracks on with it and just crosses it off the list. Sometimes I will not agree to him doing something himself as I know it will be too much for him. He appreciates this now although he didn't at first.
We shop online, we eat out if we cannot manage meals ourselves and blow the expense whilst trying to keep within budgetary bounds. I enjoy doing things but can't manage to do much or do some solo so we work together and have found that we both enjoy it. I have a sense of achievement and he enjoys enabling me and we just enjoy doing a chore together.
I can be a little cunning sometimes when I know that he could do something and just needs encouragement, so I find out how much it would cost to buy in the help needed to do it and what we would need to cut back on to afford it. I then ask his advice as to which of the options I have for consideration would be most acceptable to us both and our overall budget. Sometimes the cost implication is all the encouragement he needs but if he feels he just can't then that is fine too and we decide on the available options or even if it is truly necessary.
We find that we need to take the long view and be very patient and also determined to get it right for us both to live well. We are both getting older and less able and we both still need mutual care, love and respect. Works for us anyway!

When my sons were teenagers and started leaving dirty clothes about and not putting them in the wash, I simply left them and didn’t wash them. When they had no clean clothes to wear they soon learnt their lesson. Consequences, consequences. Worked for other things too. If they forgot their PE kit for school they got into trouble. If they didn’t do homework, more trouble. They soon learnt to be more responsible.

This approach probably works for husbands, too, but if anything my husband was more organised than I was.

I am fortunate in having an OH who is as obsessively tidy as I am. Since he was made redundant and so, de facto, became retired, we have fought over household tasks and have come to some sort of accommodation as to who does what. Our house is like a stately home. In the morning we are the servants and garden staff and in the afternoon we are Lord and Lady Muck in our palace.

I need to add to my last post that I am made highly anxious by dirt, mess and chaos. I could not have married a lazy, messy man.

Only the elderly and delusional use teapots. Sooo passè

Who are you calling elderly? Or delusional?
1 The quality of leaf tea is infinitely superior to bags, as is the choice of blends, whether black, green or white teas
2 Teabags contribute to plastic waste
3 Not at all passé . (How easily the elderly can think they are up there with the hoof of today but misjudge it.)
Teabags have their place, are in the same category as instant coffee.
Have a look around you when you are next in a proper tearoom or “hipster” Shoreditch cafe - like the ubiquitous flat whites of the distinctly passé likes of Starbucks, mugs of tea with a bag are definitely not in evidence.

For hoof read yoof !

Grandma70s

I tried that approach, but it didn't work with DS2. His filthy wet rugby kit rarely made an appearance in the laundry basket, so presumably he wore it wet and smelly every week (I never asked)!

Homework had to be chased up by teachers, and preparation for exams was equally lacking. It was only days before his Design and Technology A-level that he discovered that he had never even seen a book that the others had been working from for the last year and on which the written exam would be based. His teacher, who had also been his form tutor all through secondary school, despaired of him, and could see no way he could pass. However, he not only passed (he came out of the exam saying how easy the exam had been, to the teacher's dismissive response of "yeah, right!), but got an 'A'!

After that, it was away to uni. Visits to see him showed that his cleanliness hadn't improved. However, it became clear over time that his work-ethic had changed completely. Good marks early on made him strive for a First, which he went on to get.

As I said upthread, the cleanliness/domestic issues didn't improve one jot until he met his now-wife, a few years later, when the desire (i presume) to impress kicked in.

Time for this.

It's called strategic incompetence. Fail at a job often enough and someone else will do it. I do know several young women who do no cooking at all, even though one doesn't work and the other only part- time. Their husbands stagger back from demanding jobs then start to cook, one for 4 kids as well as the parents. So women can be lazy too! I'm pretty indolent, but I've never managed to get my husband to do any cleaning.

I have only recently returned to teapot and loose tea in response to leatning that teabags have plastic in them and are not as biodegradable as I thought. Local new young cafe enterprises all use tea leaves and tea pots. Only the high st chains using tea bags.

I got around the 'not putting the toilet seat down' prob by telling DH that it was Fung sheu to do this as it stopped the house's money from disappearing down the sewer! As he is an accountant this struck a chord and it never in 30 years been a problem. That is all I managed to cure him of though! When we had small children I had a cleaner once a week to do dusting and vacuuming which left me with the rest which was just about doable but the garden!!!!! I loved gardening (still do) but the lawn was just too much so I employed a gardener to do both front and back lawns. I never actually got around to telling him we had a gardener for probably 10 plus years and he never noticed that the lawn didn't need cutting EVER! Until one day he had a day off work with depression (through overwork) and was laying on the sofa when the gardener came. When the gardener came he always brought his own huge lawn mower and didn't knock, just came around the side of the house and got on with the job. I was out shopping at the time and on my return my DH told me how he was laying on the sofa and heard a strange noise (lawn mower trundling around the side of house). I asked
'Did you get up and check what it was?'
No! 'Then a strange man started mowing our lawn.'
'Did you get up and ask him why?'
'No!'
I broke it to him that we had had a gardener for years because I couldn't do EVERYTHING in the house. The children still laugh at that story which showed him up no end but sadly there are many more stories like that one and all your posts just go to show I am not the only one to suffer. I often think that's why we outlive them, they just don't have enough to do poor loves.

Hilly60

That is so funny