Perfect parents

I winged it most of the time, but I did always strive to be consistent and to follow through. If I said I was going to do something, whether it was a good thing or a punishment, I HAD to be prepared to follow through. That seemed to work well with my family - they always knew where they stood.

And I told them I loved them every day. Still do - and they tell me back. Just text messages but they mean a lot !

1. Clear boundaries
2. Consistency
3. Cuddles and love daily
4. Listen as often as you talk

I was laid back about noise and mess but a stickler for good manners, honesty, and kindness.
I ended up with two adults who are kind, honest, and well mannered....and still can't manage tidy bedrooms!

Children learn more by example than they ever do from a rulebook.

As my daughters became teenagers, they were very independent so I settled on two rules
1. Do not go on the back of a motor bike
2. Do not have a baby without being married.
When my eldest was in her forties and living in Bali, one of her friends posted a photo of my daughter on a moped. My daughter was horrified 'take it off, I'm not allowed'. Too late - I'd seen it!
Very funny though that the rules stuck although they seem a bit strange now.

Perfectionism, whether in parenting or any other aspect of life, is obsessive and unachievable. Just do the best you can with the best you can. Your best is pretty likely to be more than good enough.

I wasn't perfect either, and I tried to avoid the things that I thought my own parents had got wrong. Turns out I didn't really succeed in that, but the three boys still turned out fine.

- Take everything a child says seriously and talk to them on a reasonable level
- don't over-praise or over-scold. They know what you think and recognise it if you say something because you think it is the right thing to do, and not because you really mean it.
- Make sure that you say more to them than "No" and "stop that!" Share jokes!
- Nothing you say will have any effect - they only learn from what you do.

One of our parenting aims was to get our children to be independent as soon as possible. That included making their own sandwiches for school from about the age of 5. (No school dinners where we live). It worked well as they could choose the filling and were more likely to eat them. One of them became expert at making ‘gourmet’ sandwiches.
They also had to iron their own clothes (if they wanted them ironed) from about 11 or 12 years.
I see some adult children (mostly male), still living at home, whose mothers do everything for them, including preparing packed lunch for work. Not a great training for living independently, or with a partner. ?
The main aim of parenting is to turn children into responsible adults - that includes letting them learn the consequences of their own actions- no sandwiches made- no lunch!

I did my best, without a handbook or much guidance. I made mistakes. Sometimes they remind me. Often they hug me, we do all love each other, even when we fall out sometimes. It wasn't always easy, sometimes it was the best fun ever.

No such thing as perfect parenting.

I still like the old saying about giving our children roots, wings to fly and a reason to return. We also need to see parenting as a process of planned obsolescence because one day we won't be here.

I'm surprised I've kept mine alive tbh so I don't think I'm qualified to comment ?

Always cuddle and 'make up' after telling them off - don't just go on and on.

Say Yes as often as you can, and when you say No, mean it.

Distinguish between wilful disobedience and childish irresponsibility, and deal with accordingly.

Children are a gift. Some people are unable to be parents.

1 Love them
2 Care for them
3 Give them confidence
4 Love them some more

I think by the time you get to Gransnet one of them should be - Let them go!

Purplepoppies-

All I know is that I am better at being a gran than I ever was as a mum. But I did my best. I like to think I would do things differently now. But I am older and maybe a bit wiser!

If I ever find out, I'll let you know but I think "Balance" is probably the key word.

Love them unconditionally. Put your fone away. Give lots of kisses & cuddles. Have bounderies.

My Golden Rule is to love your children and just do the best you can. Not always easy. I used to work as a Mental Health Professional & Counsellor with mothers and expectant mothers who were struggling with their mental health. Some with very serious illnesses. I told many who were very anxious and thought they needed to be perfect mothers that there was no such thing. We can all only be good enough under the circumstances we are in at the time. I would also tell them (and it's true) when l was a young mum l once waited two weeks for a jelly to set, and my custard could have been used as a rubber ball ! I would only ever consider myself vaguely good enough, but they all survived and have grown into happy adults. Now having reached the status of 'great-grandmother' l feel l can be pleased and proud. Would l do things differently? Some things, yes, but hindsight is a wonderful thing

Love and routine, definitely. I was at a mental health symposium the other day and they said something really interesting. They said that it's essential that parents engage in "serve and return" with their children. What this means is that the child will offer an opportunity for connection (e.g. cooing, reaching out physically, talking if they're older) and it's essential for the parent to respond to that in a loving, caring manner. Now, obviously, no parent is perfect, nor is every situation perfect (e.g. maybe the kids are pounding on the bathroom door while you're on the loo). But overall, there should be consistency in "returning" your child's "serves". This is essential in developing proper brain connections in children.

The other thing I believe is very important is to model the behaviour you want to see. If your child won't say "please" or "thank you" or is refusing to do what you as, check your own behaviour. Do YOU say "please" and "thank you"? Do YOU respond positively to your children? Children can smell a phony a mile away and they can quickly pick up on inconsistencies. If you show them "this is how we behave", then they learn from your example.

Give them your time

Make time for fun in each day if only a few minutes

Pick your battles

Make them feel special

No idea, but my son did pay me the compliment of saying he thought his childhood had ben perfect. So I must have done something right.

All the above and a lot of extra patience when they are teenagers!!!!

I want to publish a parent book. Contents: Try not to have them rehomed when they are teenagers. It will be tempting. They do get better with age. About 22, then they’re pretty fab. That’s it.
Honestly, do the best you can. It’s all any of us do. No one is perfect. They can spend their life in therapy blaming us for our short-comings.

Now that so many parents both go out to work, it's often difficult to be any sort of good parent. My neighbours only see their daughter for an hour in the morning, and 90 minutes at night, then she is in bed. Weekends seem to be mainly spent trying to catch up with shopping and housework. I feel sorry for the poor child, and for them.