Perfect parents

I wrote my dd a letter on the birth of her first child, I told her that the love she had for that little bundle would be more powerful than anything else she would feel but that there would be times that she wouldn't like them but that was ok because she would still love them. I advised her to always fulfil both promises and consequences, give clear boundaries and stick to them but always to discuss and explain why. I told her that it's not being a bad parent to admit you don't know something, or to have pyjama days or eat junk for tea. The first rule of being a parent is love.

Too many parents think that they, and their children, are perfect when it is very obvious to everyone else that they are not.

Always keep one step ahead!

Remember - you were young once, you know how you side-stepped any rules, golden or otherwise.

Unfortunately the "Milk Snatcher" had yet to arrive I mentioned her the other day and wished she had been around when I was milk monitor!

I'm not sure what constitutes a perfect parent, I think we all go into it blind, although my husband was a bit of a guiding light as he already had children.

There were two things I swore I wouldn't do before I had children and I stuck to that. One was, never to make them to eat anything they really couldn't stomach, My junior school years were blighted by lumpy substances we were forced to ingest, literally, till we vomited, same with the school milk, which I hate to this day. Unfortunately the "Milk Snatcher" had yet to arrive The other was to go easy on religion, so were that to figure in their lives, they could make an informed choice when adult enough to understand what it is they are making a commitment to. I was brought up a Catholic and I had too much of it, both at home and at school.

Of course unconditional love. When they are very young, I'd say read a lot to them, try and foster a love of books. I will always be grateful to my parents for that. I'm glad to say one of mine is an avid reader, the other now and then, but he does at least read to his own and buy them books. Although I'm sad that he and his partner split so those nightly bedtime story sessions that he remembers so well, are spasmodic with his own children.

Eat together as often as possible without any distractions, so you can have family talks before the offspring become monosyllabic grunters Treat them to eating out all together if you can.

My older one was a teenager from hell so I guess I'd say reluctantly, you have to let a lot go to focus on the bigger picture, otherwise the nagging goes on ad infinitum. Never make comparisons between siblings, they will all have different strengths and weaknesses. Come to terms with the fact that they are their own person and not a carbon copy of their parents. Many a time I've thought "where did that trait come from, certainly not me!"

Oh and try do something active every day, get out from behind a screen you don't stay supple forever! Mine were quite active in their teen years, mainly blading and skateboarding which necessitated taking them to A&E on occasions.

I think that like lots of us, I was winging it. Especially with our first. I used to say, we ahould have the second baby first, when you’ve made the inevitable mistakes with that one.
We nearly all survive, and baby too, and, they go on to be terrific parents, with more patience than I ever had.

Ours are middle aged now. Is it too late?
We did our best, survived the teenage years and they are all good people in good relationships so we must have done something right.

We had help from our parents so never underestimate the importance of extended family and friends.
I think it was Dr Spock who begins
" you know more than you think "

Lots of good advice on this thread.
Well done You did a good job.

I think it's tougher now with pressure to be excellent. Social media puts life in a goldfish bowl.

I'm rather glad my cooking was never photographed.

paddyann I am only now finding out about some of the things they got up to as teenagers.
They're all in their 30s and 40s!

absent - yes
Have fun with them

Don't helicopter over them

What about having fun? What about dancing in puddles while they are still warm after a summer thunderstorm or dancing indoors on bubble wrap when it's raining outside? What about sharing the joys of stories? What about snuggling up together in bed for a sleepover? What about playing the games you played as a child, such as beggar my neighbour and snap?

Ty to remember what it was like at their age before you get on their case about something you probably did yourself.I think its key at all stages of their lives to let them know you will always be there for them unconditionally and that they may do things you dont agree with but it wont stop you loving them .
My Daughter was the teenager from hell ,with patience we got through it,now she's 40 she is the most amazing mother who has great communication with her teenagers .

I don’t think anyone can be the perfect parent. I tell my child that I love them every day, to be proud of himself , hugs and kisses are free even though he can be infuriating.

What wonderful advice pensionpat. Sadly it’s not always the case that parents love each other. When it works though, it can’t be denied it’s wonderful for children to grow up in an environment where parents are happy together & in love ?

I think I made it up as I went along.
They were (and are) quite different from each other and have all surprised me with their resourcefulness.

Remember they go into a tunnel aged about 10 and don't come out of it until they're about 20, so anything you say or do may be ignored during that time, so make sure they know the basics for living a good, kind and productive life before then.

Be friendly and listen but remember you are not their best friend (they choose those themselves).

Remember to loosen the apron strings when the time is right.

Love them

When my grandson was expected, my son was given a piece of advice from someone. It was “Love the Mother”. I liked that.

Listen
Be fair
Be consistent
Be loving

Searching a few threads to contribute to & came across this one.

Apart from some of the brilliant thoughts mentioned, my own thoughts are, making sure they know every day they’re loved. A hug & a smile goes a long way. Teaching them at every opportunity about the world around them. Never being afraid to help them understand life is not always perfect. Praising them & rewarding them for well earned accomplishments. Expanding vocabulary by actively involving them in Reading & discussion from the time they’re born. I can’t stand some of the new & thankfully unpopular views about never praising or rewarding children, rather asking their opinion as to whether they feel they’ve done well & how they could improve. Also no prizes or rewards for sporting achievements because everyone is a winner.
Most of all never be afraid to let them know that until they are old enough, parents make the rules. :-)

My thoughts exactly GreenGran78 - and that's why I'm sitting outside DGS's room at this time - he just woke up crying and they both have to be up for work. At least I have the chance of a small nap tomorrow if he naps in the day. ?
He is asleep now but I am waiting an hour to make sure ?

Be firm but fair
Role model what you want children to do and explain why things have to happen
Be consistent and practise what you preach
Be loving, promote lifelong learning and have fun.

Now that so many parents both go out to work, it's often difficult to be any sort of good parent. My neighbours only see their daughter for an hour in the morning, and 90 minutes at night, then she is in bed. Weekends seem to be mainly spent trying to catch up with shopping and housework. I feel sorry for the poor child, and for them.

I want to publish a parent book. Contents: Try not to have them rehomed when they are teenagers. It will be tempting. They do get better with age. About 22, then they’re pretty fab. That’s it.
Honestly, do the best you can. It’s all any of us do. No one is perfect. They can spend their life in therapy blaming us for our short-comings.

All the above and a lot of extra patience when they are teenagers!!!!

No idea, but my son did pay me the compliment of saying he thought his childhood had ben perfect. So I must have done something right.

Give them your time

Make time for fun in each day if only a few minutes

Pick your battles

Make them feel special

Love and routine, definitely. I was at a mental health symposium the other day and they said something really interesting. They said that it's essential that parents engage in "serve and return" with their children. What this means is that the child will offer an opportunity for connection (e.g. cooing, reaching out physically, talking if they're older) and it's essential for the parent to respond to that in a loving, caring manner. Now, obviously, no parent is perfect, nor is every situation perfect (e.g. maybe the kids are pounding on the bathroom door while you're on the loo). But overall, there should be consistency in "returning" your child's "serves". This is essential in developing proper brain connections in children.

The other thing I believe is very important is to model the behaviour you want to see. If your child won't say "please" or "thank you" or is refusing to do what you as, check your own behaviour. Do YOU say "please" and "thank you"? Do YOU respond positively to your children? Children can smell a phony a mile away and they can quickly pick up on inconsistencies. If you show them "this is how we behave", then they learn from your example.

My Golden Rule is to love your children and just do the best you can. Not always easy. I used to work as a Mental Health Professional & Counsellor with mothers and expectant mothers who were struggling with their mental health. Some with very serious illnesses. I told many who were very anxious and thought they needed to be perfect mothers that there was no such thing. We can all only be good enough under the circumstances we are in at the time. I would also tell them (and it's true) when l was a young mum l once waited two weeks for a jelly to set, and my custard could have been used as a rubber ball ! I would only ever consider myself vaguely good enough, but they all survived and have grown into happy adults. Now having reached the status of 'great-grandmother' l feel l can be pleased and proud. Would l do things differently? Some things, yes, but hindsight is a wonderful thing