Unthoughtful friend

Dotty Dee - there is lots of good advice here, and I won't add to it. But I am interested in the psychology of food and weight and have read evidence based books about it - so here are two things I've learnt (out of many!) which you may find helpful: if you say to yourself "I am doing well!" you are more likely to 'reward' yourself, by eating something fattening. If, instead, you say to your self "I am eating healthily!" you are more likely to want to go on eating that way, and get closer to a healthy size. Here is the second of so many things I've learnt - if you have a close friend who is overweight or obese, your likelihood of being the same is increased a great deal. So, it helps to be with people who eat healthily and not with those who say in effect "I know its 'naughty' - but lets have a pudding, shall we?" If your close friend is also wanting to get to a healthy weight, you can help each other, by eating healthily together.

Well I’m afraid it’s all relative to how each individual feels. I’m small but if I pile on a few pounds, I feel uncomfortable and self conscious.
She may feel just as bad about herself as you do. So try not to judge to quickly and maybe work out a way to encourage each other etc doing things together

Hi Dotty

This may be her misguided attempt to encourage you to keep going with your weight loss. You can't be sure without talking to her.

Do you generally enjoy her company and is she a real friend, if you ignore the weight aspect?

If Yes, then I'd have a word with her to explain her comments about weight upset you, and you'd rather keep off the subject. Or email her, if you can't face talking. She may be really surprised and upset to have been unwittingly causing you grief.

If you aren't that close, maybe just don't see her as much.

I understand how you feel, I have struggled for years. It's a mental thing with me, I turn to food for comfort. I am trying to psych myself up for another weight loss attempt. Good luck.

DottyDee - your friend may well have flabby parts she'd like to reduce.

I am probably underweight but have plenty of fat around the abdomen which I try to hide. If I say I'm trying to lose weight I am laughed at but it is a real concern to me as well as unsightly.

I have a close friend who was very plump and she had gastric bypass surgery to deal with it. I didn't think any the less of her for having got so plump and your friend wouldn't be much of a friend if she thought less of you for having weight to lose.

Don't cut her out of your life yet! Take her concerns more seriously - it's all relative!

Well, this has prompted me to comment, as weight (too much of it) has been an issue for me since I was a child. My mother was thin and beautiful and made me feel like a fat blob at the age of 8. Looking at photos of me then, you'd never pick me out if you were looking for a chubby child. I just wasn't thin enough for my mother, for whom looks were everything. She put me on a diet and gave me a fat complex for life.

Anyway, cut to the present and I've been up and down for 60 years - mainly up. I've managed to lose a lot, but then have put it all back on, plus more. My mother is still the bane of my life, and is still focussed on appearance - she describes people in terms of their size and looks.

Two years ago I took myself in hand and with my husband's support and encouragement have now lost over 4 stone. My mother's comment? "I think I can see a little loss in your face, but look at me! I'm huge! Are you sure you're on a diet?"

DottyDee I know exactly how your friend makes you feel, and I now believe it's a matter of their own insecurities. You (and I) are doing something positive to help ourselves, and your friend is worried she won't get the attention she craves; she's used to feeling thin next to you, and she doesn't want that to change.

I have still got a way to go before I'm happy with myself, but I've learned to ignore my mother's comments and I suggest you try to do the same - or do as FoxyLoxy suggests!

We can do this - I'm so ashamed of the amount I have to lose, but proud of myself for doing something about it. I hope I'm not judged for my weight. Keep going! Have some !!

I wouldn't imagine your friend even notices your weight, because once we know and love someone, none of that even registers.
I'm sure its not deliberate when she talks about her own weight issues.

Dear Applegran, very interested in your advice. I definitely eat for comfort and now I have type2 diabetes. Are there any books you could recommend? Or plans of action?

I think she's trying to show solidarity with you and as others have said, she may not see herself as the slender person you see.

I understand how you feel, it has taken me 18 months to lose 3 stone and there is another to go yet and at the rate the loss has slowed to it may well take another year. I have a friend who has never looked overweight to me but has joined a slimming class, she has no idea how much someone with a tendency to gain weight easily has to change their lifestyle. She moans all the time about what she can not eat on her diet.

I have realised that if I want to look after myself then this new eating regime must become a way of life, but that does not stop me wishing sometimes I was different and did not put weight on so easily!

DottyDee and MusicElf well done on how far you have come and keep at it. I was overweight from age 10, got photos of a little girl with fat chests, not breasts, to prove it! I was up and down for nearly 60 years but got to nearly 19 stones (size 28) and found walking hard as am arthritic.

I went to Slimming world, lost 3 stones and thought I could do it alone and not pay. I began to go up so went to Weightwatchers and have been at goal since 2009 now. It took about 5 years to lose 8.5 stones, but I had to for health reasons and have to keep it off.

I still think like a fat person . There were 3 young normal women in the swimming pool this morning and I thought "Oh, I am the only fat one" but I am not. I still haven't got nice slim legs though. It doesn't go back so well if you are older.

I have to go to WW and weigh in weekly to stay down and I'd like to lose 4 more pounds but the leader assures me I don't need to and my daughters say that too. Some of us find it hard to get the right body image.

DottyDee First and most importantly, you are doing so well! Congratulations! And of course, it's true that weight loss does reach a platform at a stage but don't stop your healthy diet, it's so worthwhile!

My feeling about your friend is to be open and honest. Try trusting her to hear your feelings. Maybe say how you think she is lucky to be slim and you are dieting and have lost a lot of weight but still want to lose more yet are stuck at a level which isn't going down, and when slim people say they need to lose weight it makes you feel so miserable about what people must think of you. I would probably pour that out. She probably hasn't a clue about how you are feeling and is just saying these things in a rather thoughtless way. She may well have an obsession about weight too - her own not anyone else's. Possibly she is a tiny bit too worried about her own weight and even envies you your apparent confidence and ability to cope even though you are bigger. We don't know what people really think. So try telling her, even if you cry, it may not be such a bad thing. If she is a friend she will stick by you.

Good luck and keep going! You put me to shame. I know I need to improve my diet but I am so weak-willed! I admire you so much!

Like many others on this thread I am slimmish. I know that I have a resonably good figure BUT it’s not nearly as good as it used to be and that’s the yardstick I use.
I do understand that life and age takes it’s toll and I know that the pounds can creep up almost unnoticed. So I take notice and try and keep my weight at a reasonable level.
So, even if I am much slimmer than the person I’m speaking to I can still feel fat.
However if a friend of mine was trying to lose weight I like to think that I would be supportive and encouraging. Perhaps your friend thinks she is empathising with you and doesn’t realise she is being hurtful.

I have always been small and plump with big boobies but never had worries about body image. My big sister has always been pretty, tall and slim but worries a lot now about her looks, sagging skin etc.

As teenagers I had no problem attracting boyfriends, whereas DSis was seen as a bit aloof, perhaps too goodlooking for some lads to aspire to.

Now in our seventies, DSis remains slim, elegant, is always immaculately dressed, made up and coiffed, whereas I seldom wear make up, have a 'wash and go' haircut and a wardrobe full of clothes which suit me. I spend zero time worrying about my looks. I do not envy DSis, whom I love dearly, because of all the angst she suffers if she puts on a pound or two or her hair won't behave.

I think that if you have been considered a beauty in your youth, you feel the need to maintain that image, which becomes increasingly difficult as you age. Those of us who were mainly concerned with what we did or said rather than our outward appearance are spared all that effort.

Join Slimming World. It’s works and it’s fun if you find a good group of fatties... I enjoy it and I’m losing weight slowly but it’s coming off x.

I think she's just unintentionally thoughtless. I would talk about my weight with my sister who is much bigger than me and not think . I will now though. . Maybe you could just say Well you can guess how I feel then or something similar.

Having a smaller dress size doesn't guarantee satisfaction with anyone's body. No one is perfect anyway, so that's pretty much a given.

In her own (misguided) way, your friend probably thinks you'll feel better by letting you know she too has body issues.

My take is that body image is subjective. Despite your perceptions, love youself first no matter what. Prioritize your health, how you eat, dress, wear your jewelry, nails, hair, makeup etc. and you will be much happier.

Let go of all the stress and anxiety over a smaller body and everything else will fall into place.....you may even start to loose weight in the process!

I asked weight watchers and slimming World for any data they have on those who have lost weight and kept it off, longterm. Neither of them had any.

That surprises me because there was a scientific study reported recently that showed success rates.

Here is the link to it
www.nhs.uk/news/obesity/effectiveness-of-slimming-clubs-tested/

I would suggest that both of you find another subject to talk about. It is never going to be anybetter. She is obviously obsessed so leave her to it and if she starts say Please don't start up again. You are so nice and slim,
Then you keep quiet about your success.

I'm very similar to PamelaJI in that I have a reasonably good figure for my age, but it doesn't mean there are times when I may have put on a few pounds and I actually find it quite hurtful when I mention to someone how hard I am working at eating less and exercising more and they just poo poo my comment by saying something like 'I've seen more fat on a greasy chip' or some other daft remark. Losing weight is hard as we get older and although I know it's harder if you have a lot of weight to lose it doesn't mean that your friend isn't also struggling. I certainly wouldn't fall out with someone over something like that!

Another limitation of the study is that it only lasted 12 months, and therefore does not address the common difficulty of maintaining weight loss in the long-term

oldbatty I think this is a big missing piece in the anti-obesity campaign. It is fine to encourage people to lose weight, the key thing is how they keep it off and stop regaining the weight. Far more research needs to be done on this, otherwise people get caught in an endless cycle of loss and regain, loss and regain which helps no-one

If those slimming clubs worked they would be out of business and everyone would be slim.

They do work, then people stop going, eat "normally" then have to go back to them again oldbatty!

Maybe your friend doesn't think anything about your weight at all - it's possible she just sees you as her friend to whom she can confide anything. I have ' flabby bits' I dislike on my fairly slimmish body too, and I might even mention them to some of my more generously fleshed friends, and if I were to do this, they would laugh and tell me to look at them - I had nothing to be concerned about! That, of course, would not make me happy if I were really obsessed with my tummy and thighs and fed up of not being able to shed the extra unwanted flesh in those areas. If you are happy with how you are, you have no need to be bothered by your friend's obsession with her 'flabby bits'. Perhaps she does not sit so easily in her body shape as some people do. I hope you can continue to be friends and not less this affect your relationship. I am certain your friend has no idea she might be upsetting you with this. If you choose to raise the topic, please be careful.