GROWN UP STEP CHILDREN

You have tried your best, well done for trying for so long. To me it sounds like they need to grow up. You said that their mother is very vitriolic, I imagine that in the past she has done a good job of being nasty about you, however in 20 years you would have thought that they could see the true you and decide for themselves. This is a really awful situation for you and I imagine that your husband is trying not to “rock the boat” however, they are adults and he should definitely be telling them that it’s not acceptable for the way you are treated. Good luck x

oldbatty
That's often my gripe.
Never purposely rude but always tell it without frills.
Some people have not had the best time in their relationships and, in order to live a friction-free life, decide to subsume their own desires and feelings. I can't disagree with the need for some individuals to do this but it's not something I would ever consider.
People pleasers (I assume) feel comfortable wearing that skin and I hope that the people they seek to please, recognise the often hidden feelings the pleasers mask.
It takes all sorts.

I think it depends on the circumstances of you meeting. My father had an affair and then married her. Can't say we were rude to her, but she was definitely just tolerated.

not a dig at anybody, but why do women have to be such people pleasers all the time?

I have been one for many a long year btw.

Norton.What else could you have done? so don't reproach yourself for not having tried. It appears to me that after 20 years nothing short of a miracle is going to change the situation.Don't let this come between you and your H.
I am all for getting professional advice which does not have to include H as it does not seem as if he is as concerned as you are in what to him is' normal'?.You have your our own C and GC so give your love to those who will appreciate it.

Why have you tolerated this situation to continue for 20 years! There's no magic which will get them to like you now. At the beginning of the relationship before it got too serious, I would have insisted on him sorting out their rudeness. They don't have to be forced to like you but they should have been told how they were expected to behave in your presence. It would have killed the relationship for me.

The best you can do now is to distance them from your life as much as possible and if he asks them round to your home then tell him he has to do all the catering and entertaining because you are no longer prepared to make the effort with them. Perhaps go and visit your own family when they come round. At important family milestones then just make a token appearance, be polite even if they can't be, and then leave early and do something more enjoyable to show them their attitude does not concern you..

Maybe couples counselling is the way forward, he may see the impact of his actions or lack of action more clearly through the eyes of a third party. He clearly isn't taking your feelings into consideration at the moment.

I feel very sorry for you Norton. Maybe your DH fears that if he steps us, his children may feel he's taking sides and perhaps he worries that they might turn against him.

Gosh 20 years certainly is giving it a fair try. They are young adults and it sounds as if they are making some bad choices and also somehow believe they can get away with it.

I suggest you try couple counselling. As a couple therapist I have seen couples in this position. It is unbearable for both partners, and torn loyalties are very painful. It may not change the situation, but it may enable you to say difficult things in a safe environment.
Failing that...try to see that your husband is not wicked for not standing up for you, but perhaps he is naive in keeping the hope alive that things might change. Withdraw from them quietly, allow your husband to see them alone and cultivate some interests of your own. Good luck.

Sometimes, step-children of whatever age can resent their parents new partner and take sides, that being the only way they can show disapproval and resentment.
One would hope that adulthood would confer a more balanced view but evidently not in your case.
Maybe their mother has been drip feeding unkind comments to them over the years and they view it as truth.
My advice?
Be cool, calm, collected and courteous with a degree of warmth.
That way you retain your dignity.
All the best...it's a tricky situation.

They sound pretty horrible, and I think you are right to curtail your visits. Your husband can visit them of course, but he can’t expect you to go to such rudeness.

I have been very lucky with my adult stepchildren, I met their father a year after their mother died, and we seem to get on well. However, a friend of mine, also met and married a widower who had adult children, and they have always been extremely unpleasant to her and, after her own children were born, they have refused to speak to her or their half brothers and sisters.

Don’t go on holiday with your stepchildren if they are rude when you meet briefly, holidays can and do exacerbate any problems.

Hope it’s resolved, but lots of people in this thread have had similar or worse problems. Good luck. ?✅

I walked away from my actual family 25 years ago after spending a lifetime trying to fit in.I kept in contact with my eldest sister and youngest brother and maintained a distant relationship with the rest, (3 sisters, 3 brothers).
My youngest sister is the main problem and is very controlling and manipulative. I refused to be controlled or manipulated and was ostracised, and rarely go to family events, which to be honest, I don't miss.
I decided 25 years ago that I wouldn't pit myself or my daughter through the dramas my sister kept creating. I now have a far smaller, happier, peaceful family life consisting of my daughter, her husband, 4 lovely GC, 2 sisters and 1 brother.
It is hard to walk away from family but sometimes the peace of mind and lack of stress is more than worth it.

To the OP, be civil in their company, your normal cheerful self, (or slightly over the top), and avoid shared holidays or stay-overs. Make plans to be elsewhere and let your husband visit/holiday with them. (But not in your shared home!)
If he can't or won't stand up for you or see how they treat you, let him visit on his own. You've tried your best, and it's not your fault it failed. Any problem they have with you is just that, Their Problem.
Let them go and enjoy your life without them.

The sad thing here, Norton, IMO is that your very natural desire not to have anything much to do with your rude stepchildren is causing a rift with your DH.

I think you need to consider if your relationship with your DH will become better if you say once and for all that you have tried and tried for the past twenty years to be considerate and polite to his children. Nothing has improved and now you are going to do something else when they come to visit - go out for the day and leave DH to entertain his rude children. Tell him quietly that you are no longer prepared to go on holiday with his children, and that you hope he will consider a shorter holiday with them and time spent alone with you.

Add that his behaviour hurts you too, as he has done nothing to prevent his children treating you so unkindly.

I hope and trust he can see your point of view, but I doubt it, as this situation has been going on for 20 years.

Here the boot is on the other foot: my nieces and nephew have made it very clear that they only "put up with" my DH for my sake, although he has done nothing he or I in all honesty know of to hurt or offend them. This attitude has led me to say that we both from now on will politely refuse their invitations, as I just do not want to visit people who will not even attempt to be polite to the man I love.

I get that kind of treatment from some of my ex husband's family. (He is dead). I'll be dammed if I allow them to dictate my behaviour.

I am kind and generous when I see them. I send Christmas cards and the occasional congratulations/condolence as the need arises. Most of the time I get nothing back.

But its myself Im pleasing, not them. For a long time they ignored my children but in the last few years, they have been extending invitations It turns out they had been following their lives through my occasional catch ups.

My pragmatism benefits my children and I feel all the better for it. My brother in law( who forbade the others to see me) is a stranger to embarassment but everyone else is relieved. I'd see the broader picture if I were you. Occupy the moral high ground. Your husband will benefit and so will you.

My DH’s son has allowed his wife to be abusive to me on many occasions including publicly. We have been married for 21 years. Four years ago it got so bad, including calling me a c* on FB, that my husband supported me totally and we are now permanently estranged. We feel a weight lifted and are much happier. Nobody needs toxic people in their lives.

At the end of the day they are his children and nothing is going to change that. I think you should try to meet him half way for the sake of your relationship. As as been suggested you must insist that he does not tolerate rudeness to you in his presence. I would be happy similey in their company - they would be delighted if they found out they have been the cause of your arguments. Which is what this is all about. Some contact, but just don't let them see they are getting to you.

OldMeg sorry I didnt mean to depress any one or manke it about me. If i had my time again I would have focued on my husband and let my step son fade into the background rather than waste engergy and money on trying to make him love me. I think thats what the OP needs to do.

Pink that is a very sad post ?

I'd not make an attempt to see them. I have been in my steps lives for ten years they barely look the road I am on. DH only has a relationship with the eldest.... but I can't stand him, too much water under the bridge

Absent yourself from their company if they can't be nice. Have sod all to do with them, they are adults they do not need you to facilitate a relationship with their father, they can either manage to see each other without you or not manage to see each other. It's up to them.

Go about your merry life, better off without them.

Well it was not for lack of trying on your side.
Sometimes you just have to call it a day and just get on with your life.
I had a similar problem and I honestly went my own way in terms of not trying anymore.
They were surprised and I just got on with my life.
They went their way and I stayed completely out of those relationships.
No issues anymore and no more moaning from them.
Joseph

My husband died he was my 2nd husband and had a tiny son when we met. (His wife walked out on them both when the boy was 3 days old went off with another man. There was never any suggestion I was involved in the break up.
I was very young the boy was the same age as one of my kids born on the same day. (My first husband was very violent Toward me.] While the two kids got on, the son treated me like dirt. I tried so hard to included him treat him and love his as my own. His mother was in his head when she finally came back into his life.
My lovely husband did try but as the boy got older he became outwardly hostile to me. he stole from me lied about me and even told child line that I had abused him. He did back down when I got the police involved.
When my husband became ill with cancer my step son turned on him too. He moved out to live with his mum when his dad died I faced abuse and violence. My husband’s grave was smashed up 3 times. It has settled down now after he was charged, but he is now a man and is still very vile about me and toward me and I have no idea why. I have washed my hands of him. So, I know how hard it is all I can say if they can’t respect you for the women their dad loves that’s their problem and their choice be polite but distant yourself set clear bounties and be claer to your husband about what you need from him. You can’t force anyone to have a relationship with you it is their loss.

I have two step daughters; one I’ve got on with from the moment we met, and the other - quite the opposite. I have tried my hardest over the years to be kind to her and get on with her, but as soon as I do or say something that she doesn’t agree with, she throws a major tantrum and stops talking to me. She has hardly ever spoken to my own daughter, who was only a young girl when my DH and I got together. I seriously think that my stepdaughter has a personality disorder, as she falls out with everyone she comes across and has no long term friends.
Unfortunately she gets away with it time and time again, because she uses her young children as pawns, and my DH loves them - obviously.
However, it’s now been three years since I last had anything to do with her and life is so much better. My DH visits them a couple of times a year, and she only calls him when she wants something. Luckily, he has seen many times, how she has treated both me and my DD, and accepts that I will no longer have anything to do with her.
My DH and I have a wonderful relationship and I’ll be damned if I will let her jealousy and rudeness, cause us anymore trouble.

Are the SC rude to anyone else that you know of? May be their normal behaviour. Even so, your DH does need to step up and tell them when they are being rude to you. He needs his own time with them even though they are adults. Perhaps they have developed a jealousy, and with their Mother's attitude this could be exacerbated to being rude to you. Tell your DH again, you feel he has to support you in this.

I don't understand your husbands attitude. You should be his main concern not his children from a previous marriage. He should be fighting your corner not trying to placate his children. They're adults with lives of their own so let them get on with it. I would have said this a long time ago to my husband. You've done everything you can to try and get along so if they don't like how it is now tough. Stand your ground and laugh off any harsh words or treatment, if they see it doesn't bother you they might stop. Good luck with whatever happens.