Old friend believes neighbours spy on her

In the earlier stages of vascular dementia my MIL was insistent that the neighbours had drilled a hole at the back of her wardrobe to spy on her. We tried not to argue with her as she got upset. What was worse was that in moments of clarity she would say “I know it’s my brain.” She thrived in a Care facility and lived another 6 years to 89.

Yes, I do realise that some infections are just chronic, but it is relatively rare for them to go on for months with no other signs or symptoms. I do agree about dehydration, but would add that this behaviour is over 'months'.
I also take the point that it is often difficult to know whether the problem is dementia or something really happening, but there can be clues. Also 'spying' is a fairly common delusion, but quite rare in reality.
A doctor / specialist nurse or social worker have the training to look for the clues, and would routinely screen for infection (especially urine infection). That's why it can be helpful to give them the information, even if they can't discuss it.
I also think it likely that the 'warden' may know about this, and be monitoring the situation. OP wouldn't know, because the friend wouldn't tell her, and anyone dealing with it couldn't tell her! That's another reason for speaking to the 'warden'.

I'm pretty sure the duty & area managers of the sheltered housing providers are keeping an eye on her as she's mentioned they've been speaking to her. The trouble is I don't feel I can go behind her back & contact them myself as I don't know them at all & I'm not family. Also I've no idea how discreet they are capable of being about any contact I might make. My friend is very acute, despite all her fears which, as you all stress, are very real & distressing to her. I also feel her fears may have some basis of truth, as a couple of the other residents sound as though they have complex issues. They are quite a bit younger than you would normally expect in sheltered housing and she is particularly afraid of them. At times my friend says "she doesn't feel herself" and finds it hard to cope, though at others she sounds ok. I have difficult family circumstances myself & can't travel to see her face to face, but with all your advice I will do my best to get her to the doctor, one way or another.

As you are uncertain how discreet the mangers of the sheltered housing will be if you approach them, I would suggest you start by either approaching the chaplain of the home, if there is one, your friend's minister or priest if she is or used to be a churchgoer, as they all have to keep silent about anything said to them in confidence. So too does the lady¨s GP, who may indeed feel that he or she cannot discuss your friend with you. So start by saying you are not asking the G.P. to breach confidentiality, but you are genuinely worried.

As the others have said, this may be the start of dementia, in which case it is or will shortly be the concern of the GP or it might be a case of stalking or abuse of an elderly, vulnerable person and thus a matter for the managers of the sheltered housing and indeed the police as well.

As Doversole says could be dehydration, if has been the last couple of months and the weather has been exceptionally warm. I had an elderly uncle visit me in Australia for Christmas (summer heat) and we were very watchful that he drank enough. He had a tendency not to drink as he didn’t want to keep finding a toilet when we went out sight seeing. I had a parent with dementia who used to accuse people of stealing, even said the gentleman next door killed his wife (she had died of natural causes!). She really needs to see a health professional.

I would check to see if your friend has been taking Metoprolol Succinate. It is a very common blood pressure medication and affects the brain very differently than does Metoprolol Tartrate. Here is my own experience with it: I am 66 years old with high blood pressure problems. My doctor recently took me off of Metoprolol Tartrate and put me on 100 mg of Metoprolol Succinate. After about 2 weeks of taking the Succinate version, I was reading a book one evening while sitting in a chair beside my bed. I looked over at my bed and the blankets were going up and down, just as if the bed was breathing. I looked right at it and it just kept on. I went downstairs and saw the walls gently "breathing" back and forth, too. Freaked me out. I went online to see what kind of side effects the Metoprolol Succinate has (because that was the only new thing in my life) and, sure enough, waaaaaaay down the list was "hallucinations". I stopped taking it and began taking some of my previous Metoprolol Tartrate instead. The hallucinations stopped right away. Every time after that whenever I try to take the Succinate type, after a few days of taking it I begin to see things (again) that I rationally know are not happening or are not there. I have an appointment to see my doctor in a few weeks and will let him know I want to get off this Metoprolol Succinate. I want it all out of my system. In the meantime I'm taking much less of it and interspersing it with the leftover Metoprolol Tartrate that I still have left. Just wanted to let you know that perhaps some of what we label early stage dementia might be caused by medications instead. Worth looking into, I think.

It does sound like dementia but, just a thought, when my MIL was still with us she was prone to urine infections, and until they cleared with antibiotics she would literally be ‘away with the fairies,. According to her GP this was quite a common factor of these infections,

to me this is a safeguarding issue I would contact Social Services / Social Work Dept and explain the situation they have a duty of care to take action to ensure your friends welfare in conjunction with her GP and no one will ever know you raised the concern . If you are worried enough to post here you must take the proper action It is in your friend's best interests to act

I am concerned that so many people are putting this down to the lady having a dementia type illness.
This assumption is why there are so many others taking advantage of the elderly. People are nosey, people do try to take money from old folk, even putting it down to getting their inheritance earlier. Being elderly is a very vulnerable state of affairs.
Don't write this lady off so quickly

But westerlywind, a police welfare check will cover that possibility too

When it was my neighbour I did think there was a possibility that she had witnessed what she said she saw.

She was pleased that we sent the police as she felt listened to, even though they ended up sending her to hospital

The reason this sounds more like dementia than urine infection is because it seems to have been increasing over a long time and she wouldn’t have had a urine infection or dehydration issues over a long period without other symptoms
I would definitely alert her warden that you feel her mental heath is declining otherwise not a lot you can do from afar unless you can possibly alert some Alzheimer’s charities to her isosolation and fears

My mil also got regular urine infections and we recognised the different symptoms after a while. She would ramble on ,almost in a different language when it was a urine infection and she got aggressive verbally and swore a lot as when in good health she never swore.

This is the really tough part of friendship isn’t it? I think you need some help and support to work out the best way to help your friend. Your Alzheimer’s Society Office in your area could be a useful call to make. They will be able to help you to work out who is best to call.

As you’ve been friends for so long it may be your ‘job’ to begin to get the wheels turning so that your vulnerable friend receives whatever help she needs. Initially she may not thank you, but you will know that when it was really necessary you took action to keep her safe. That’s what friends do.

Sending you flowers because it’s tough ?

Bluebelle, I was thinking the same as you. It seems to have been going on for some time. Surely if it had been an untreated urine infection, she would have been very unwell by now?
There is so much speculation about what it might be, but whatever the cause is , this vulnerable lady needs help.
I was in a similar situation with my dear cousin, who lived a fair distance away and I was too ill to visit, I spoke to her GP who was so kind, listened to my concerns and went to visit her.
If it had been my friend, I would feel I had to do something, but it is a tough call to make, when you are not family.

notanan2 - unfortunately I am living in this scenario. I have a chronically nosey neighbour. Even the Police admit that now. That have only taken 5 years! Other neighbours have seen the constant watching he does. He thinks he "owns" a parking spot. It is a public road anyone can park there. I think that is crazy. I also noted that this all started once I was alone in the house due to double bereavement! My DCs have seen the constant nosey behaviour, surely around the age of 30 they don't have dementia! I am running two businesses that needs a bit of brains.
I have now left my home of quarter of a century because there must be more to life than coping with an intrusively nosey neighbour.
Please read my first post on this thread about how nosey some folks can be.

Westerlywind please read mine.

I didn't automatically believe or disbelieve my neighbour.
The possibilities were:
A. It was all imagined
B. It was some true elements that she got jumbled
C. It was all true.

Which is why we sent in a police welfare check as it covered all bases. As you say yourself stress from real neighbour issues can end up making a person ill, so it can trigger underlying issues too!

The police were great, she felt listened to/taken seriously, and ended up going for medical help which she had previously resisted because people (not us BTW) kept telling het she was "being silly".

Police in your area must be faster than those in mine. It took literally years for them to admit that I had a nosey neighbour. Their view currently is that there is nothing illegal about being nosey.

Welfare checks are carried out same day pretty much everywhere.

Presumably you did not request a welfare check on yourself...

I actually meant your Police were faster at getting an understanding of the situation.
It is taken me 5 years to convince the Police that I have a "nosey neighbour". I don't know how long it would take for them to get the idea that this constant nosey carry on is unnecessary and a nuisance in my life.

The police are trained to do welfare checks. They will be best placed to judge if this is a welfare issue or a neighbour issue to be passed to a different job list.

Welfare checks are priority jobs.

Sending in a welfare check doesn't believe or disbelieve the neighbour story, it just lets trained professionals decide. Remember the OP isn't local so this is IMO the best option.

In my case they got my neighbour admitted to hospital that day where she was screened for infection and dementia.