Should I take a gift? If so, what would be appropriate

At Christmas I gave my DM (who has dementia and is in a care home) a cushion, with a bird design on. She loves birds and was delighted with it.

I'd go with cake (but then I 'd always go with cake!)
Also Twiddle Mits are very good For Dementia patients

I used to visit care homes as part of my work. A cuddly is usually welcome and can give a feeling of security, encourage talking as treated like a companion. A twiddle muff (loads of patterns on internet) is also good if person has anxiety as able to pick away at the decorations. If you do go for this attach items inside too not just on outside. Or, even just a knitted/crocheted square with bits and bobs sewn on. Have to be careful with sweets unless you know SIL finds swallowing easy. Best to go for soft, easy to melt type. The care home should be able to suggest something- may well need basic clothing e.g. nightgown, underwear. Do hope your visit goes well for you both.

my Mum had dementia and often did not know who I was, she just used to sit in a chair all day in the care home. I got things to try to tempt her into doing something. I went to a good quality toy shop and got some large coloured buttons with coloured laces, they were for children aged about 3 yrs and the idea was to thread the buttons on the laces. She did that a few times while we sat with her but didn't touch them when alone. Then I saw this long legged tall, rag doll, bright yellow (wool) hair in bunches, stripey legs, Mum loved it, she was often seen with it sitting on her lap, we named it Sally, now Mum is no longer with us my daughter has it sitting in her spare bedroom.

I admire you for taking a two and a half hour journey by public transport to see somebody who will not recognise you, and you did not have a particularly close relationship with anyway.

My thoughts are that you are doing it for your brother. I hope you have a good visit.

When my mum was in a nursing home we found it difficult to buy presents for her. We have a picture of her absolutely radiant holding a box of Teacakes that my daughter had given her. She could eat and share. I'm not sure how many were shared though.!!!!

Going slightly of subject here but the comment about singing brought back the memory of my MIL''s birthday in the care home. The doctor was visiting and realising it was her birthday and knowing she was Belgian, he sang Happy Birthday to You to her in French. She joined in word perfect. Stunned everyone as she hadn't spoken for over a year.

I gave my DM, who had dementia and was in a care home, an eau de cologne spray. It was the suggestion of the care staff. They helped her put it on every morning. She knew the scent - it was one she used to buy for herself.

My mum loved hand cream. Her hands would become quite dry due to heat in home so loved having some special cream to put on. Although mum loved chocolates when she developed dementia she wasn't that bothered. My son and daughter in law bought her a lovely artificial orchid and she loved that as did the staff as it didn't need watering.

Is there anything that smells from her past? Or even her childhood? My gran died in the 1960s but there is still a perfume that takes me back to that time.

I know its really the wrong weather but I work with the elderly and I find a lot of the ladies love shawls with tassels because they can fiddle with them which they find soothing.

The sense of smell often remains long after other senses and cognitive abilities have declined for someone with dementia. I would suggest some handcream or body lotion in a scent you think your sil would like. It's a light and easy gift to carry on public transport and can also be used for hand or foot massages which many people with dementia love. Many people appreciate the gentle human touch of the massage and particular scents can evoke memories of other times. Depending on your relationship you may want to offer to massage your sil's hands with the hand team during your visit.

My mum died at the age of 94 with dementia. She always called me mother bless her. I held her hand all of the time I was with her. We found that photo albums made her sad. She expressed sadness by touching her eye and running her finger down her cheek. Wouldn't give her hard sweets in case she swallowed them whole but she loved Cadury's chocolate buttons which we put one in her mouth at a time owing to that if she was given the bag she would ram the whole lot in at the same time! I agree that a teddy bear or soft doll would also be a good idea. A bit of a comfort.

I echo what Apricity said about a massage of hands, arms and feet. The skin does get dry and staff probably don't have time to think of hand cream.

It's a double hit.... using the hand cream and also the patient is feeling the joy of another's touch.

My dear SIL used to love this.

I visited my mum's cousin recently (not long been in a home with dementia) and took a few photos of her with my mum and aunt, my nan & grandad who were her aunt and uncle and who she spent a lot of time with and me and her daughter when we were young. Although she didn't recognise me when we spent a happy hour talking about the photos and old times. I did take flowers which I put in a vase for her, but it was the photos that were important. I knew she didn't remember me but was amused when she said who would have thought I have such a lovely relative and I've only just you.

So much thoughtful kindness, thank you to all who have responded with suggestions and memories. Yes Maccyt1955, you're absolutely right, it's mostly for my brother. My sil was absolutely brilliant in the last year of his life, and I won't forget that.

I have been reminded by a pp that my sil has always liked cherries, and now is the perfect time for delicious local fruit, so I'll buy some, wash them and take them ready to eat. I'm also looking at M&S fruit jelly sweets (nice and soft), and maybe a small tube of Neal's Yard lavender handcream.

Slightly off subject, but my DD visits a friend with MS, who is in a hospice. She loves chocolate, so DD found tiny chocolate buttons, that melt in the mouth. I think they may have been from Hotel Chocolat, and they went down very well.

Photos of your brother would be a good talking point.
Often something strokable is very comforting, some people with dementia like soft toys like cats to stroke on their lap ( there are even ones that miaow etc but are about £99 )

When my DD (92)went into a home I bought him a CD player, he loved it I still remember the look of bliss on his face when we first put it on....... he didn't really have dementia but had lost interest in TV/paper/radio/suduko.. but liked visits... we stopped taking him chocs as he left them in a drawer.. covered the walls with his Navy pics/photos/memorabilia.. and let him chat about old times.. he had wine & whiskey ( he favs) but even stopped drinking them gave to visitors! RIP Dad

I like Oopsadaisy53's idea of a photo album. My DH keeps the family photo archive and used to take them to show his Mum when she was in a nursing home suffering from dementia. She seemed to enjoy them

My stepmum had vascular dementia and although she stayed at home until the last few months, she was confined to a chair in the daytime. I didn't often get to see her (hundreds of miles away and my husband was terminally ill). She had always loved colour, and I was touched to see that those caring for her took the trouble to select bright coloured tops and pretty scarves for her to wear. Her cleaner, who later became a carer, used to paint her finger nails bright red for her - this wasn't something my stepmum had ever done before, but it made her feel special.

What about a nice soft cushion? I am sure the care home may provide some, but perhaps one with a picture on it such as a dog if she loves dogs, or a cat?

I would be careful about taking food stuff,maybe give the home a ring first and ask them but my husband became unable to eat anything but puréed food and a lot of other dementia patients have the same problem. Have you thought about taking some old photos with you that you can discuss the people in them? My husband loved doing that and kept a small box for him to look through but often they will remember so much about the old pictures and who is there that they will talk for some while without a lot of silence. Whatever you take she will probably just be pleased to have you there,whether you’re remembered or not

fiorentina51 I had two experiences like yours. My husband had a serious stroke, but surprised the ambulance men by singing word perfectly. He was in a male-voice choir.
When my choir was giving a Christmas concert at a local nursing home an old man in a wheelchair joined in lustily. The staff later told us that he had dementia, and hadn't spoken for ages. Apparently, so I was told, different parts of the brain control ordinary speech and singing.

my friend has dementia and is only 54. She used to love chocolate but now hates it! Her favourite food at the minute is baked beans so each time I visit I take flowers and a few tins of bins.
I think I would call the home and ask if there is anything she particularly enjoys at the moment as tastes seem to change with this condition