What were you like as a DIL

My MiL was lovely, and we always got on well, so I hope she thought the same about me! She had no daughters, only a clutch of boys, so I think she was very glad of someone who'd take an interest in e.g. her new kitchen curtains - none of her very male lot ever would!

I liked and respected my MiL My husband was the eldest of three sons and she and my FiL raised them to shirk nothing and help around the house and turn their hands to most things domestic. Coming from a family where men were Gods and referred to household jobs as 'womens work' this was a revelation and I loved it. We always got on well, but I was not the perfect daughter in law. I expect I took her for granted at times. She was a good influence in my life.

I wish I had been more tolerant. I knew I wasn’t what she wanted for her son and she upset me by giving his phone number to old girlfriends after we were engaged. She wasn’t much interested in the children (and no more was my husband though he has now metamorphosed as granddad of the century) and could not understand why I didn’t want a TV in the house when the children were little, even ordering one which turned up on the doorstep and had to be sent back, nor why I limited their sugar intake.
I redeemed myself when she became ill and drove into London every other day with home cooked meals for her for months until she went into hospital. I also nagged her son to visit her from time to time.
My ex’s cousin told me recently that MIL had never approved of me which made me sad as I did try.

I started to write something and then decided not to. DH had had a difficult/ghastly relationship with his mother most of his life, this continued into our marriage so enough said. She died 2 years ago, totally unmourned by DH.

I loved my MIL to bits. We got on well and I saw her as a mum. As soon as my ex and I parted I never heard from her. 12 years and nothing.

I must be one of the lucky ones!! I’ve had 2 MIL’s and got along brilliantly with both. My exH’s mother and I adored each other. Sadly she developed Alzheimer’s in her later years and didn’t know her own 3 children but never forgot who I was. Luckily she died before my marriage ended. My 2nd MIL and I got along very well and I cared for her in her later years which was an absolute privilege. I was one of 3 DIL’s for her but she called me the daughter she’d never had. Happy memories of two lovely ladies.

I got on ok with my mil but we weren’t close. As we lived hundreds of miles apart we usually only met once a year. My only issue with her was that she showed preference for my first child. He wasn’t an easy child but could do no wrong in her eyes

An interesting set of comments, seem to be evenly divided.
My MiL lived abroard with her second husband when we married 50 years ago, so I thought I was in luck - not so as it turned out.
My DH's father died in 1942 just before he was born, she sent him to boarding school from the age of 4 and he never lived with her again. He spent one holiday with her - a disaster by all accounts, the rest of the time it was school or the remaining set of Grandparents who didn't want him either.
Her marriage failed and business went up the creek so she decided to return [husband of the scene by this time]. She then expected her son [my husband] to supply her with a home and income. I said no, our children came first but I would help her find a place to live and sort finances for her. She was really hateful to us all, the children didn't like her and neither did her son so she was left to me to deal with. She was just short of 90 when she died and the most selfish person I have ever met. I am really not surprised that she had no friends, her departure was a great relief to
us all. The legal problems that she left behind are another story. As a dil I have no idea how I did.

I was very young 17 and my future MIL decided that I was a spoilt child, so not a good start. She would talk about me behind my back and this would eventually get back to my mother who to start with decided not to tell me, however, later an aunt told me all about it which upset me a lot at the time. She died when I was 30 and now I still don't really have an idea of what it was all about.

I must have been incredibly lucky to have had two wonderful MiLs. I was a bit of a puzzle to MiL No. 1 as I didn’t make sure her DS wore a vest nor did I get up at five in the morning to make his breakfast and wave him off to work but we were good friends and she even understood why we got divorced and we stayed on good terms. MiL No 2 was wonderful too and treated me as family right from the start. I miss both of them.

I love my own DiL dearly, she makes my son happy and that’s what matters to me the most.

I always got on with myMiL and still do! My 1st H died 23 years ago aged 47 ( her 1st born) and we were a comfort to each other. When I met my present H she welcomed him into the family and was happy for me. She was devastated to miss our wedding through ill health. Last year I flew to England for her 90th birthday!!

Both my MIL and FIL were lovely people who always made me very happy when I visited. I think my husband, an only child, was sometimes a bit jealous of our relationship and,sadly, 2 years after my FIL died (my MIL had died some 8 years before) he left me for another woman who his parents knew - they disliked her intensely. His family have said many times that he wouldn't have left me if they had still been alive.

Mil no 1 was lovely lady but a complete doormat for FiL & her S & Ds. H was very controlling, marriage didn't last long & I lost touch with all the family apart from my H's Half-B.

Mil no 2 was a very sweet lady, divorced from FiL. We got on very well & she adored DD even though H & I weren't married when she was born, her 8th DGC. Stayed in contact until she died over 20 years ago, I went to her Funeral.

MiL no 3 was an unusual lady, Austrian (her & FiL came to UK in 1939), she was twice divorced but we had a good relationship. She lived to be 92, sadly died some years ago.

I have a wonderful DiL & we have a good relationship, I consider myself very lucky. My DM is 89 & we've had our ups & downs but love each other dearly

I loved my MiL. Despite having married her only son - she also had 3 daughters - she treated me just the same as her daughters. She also got on well with my mum and there was never any rivalry. Both were glad we had married each other and were happy. I have the same relationship with my DDiL and her mum.

Thanks joemaxster2018 for tis topic it's been cathartic knowing I'm not alone. I think my 60 something self would tell my 20 something self to try and be more reasonable in my thoughts toward her. Then the young married would reply that she couldn't see any flaws in her DS which wasn't so!!

Oh that’s a lovely comment lilypollen, I’m glad it helped. It has been very interesting to see the mix of dynamics between MILs and DILs. I’m pleased to say I had a much better relationship with my second MIL than my first and think I was a good DIL to her. She was a very good Step Gran to my girl.

Oh my goodness! My MiL never thought that the partners chosen by her 4 children were good enough. My parents had died when I was in my teens and my DH was advised not to marry me out of pity. Some years later I overheard her talking to DH and saying that she "thought he had made the right choice in marrying me after all". I was silently apoplectic. She refused to accept that the best outcome for our (7 year old) daughter's seizures would be epilepsy. Ironically she developed a similar condition which we now realise she passed on to my DH who is now semi paraplegic and also to our DD and DS. Hopefully our two GS will escape this gene.
Funny story though. When DD was tiny we met up in a city centre and she regaled me about a shop selling white aertex knickers at a good price and how my SiL had bought some. Without thinking said "Oh, I only wear black ones" . I suspect that sealed the relationship.

I must have been a disappointment as a DIL. MIL was larger than life - and not happy with the idea that children eventually grow up, leave home, etc. DH (youngest) - her favourite - was very independent, left home at 16. She may have wanted me to bring him back into the fold, so to speak. I'm afraid that didn't happen as I felt I had to 'throw off the shackles' and I regret hurting her feelings over this. We were too independent for her.
Sadly, she didn't like her other DIL (and didn't get on with eldest son). We must both have been disappointing but I felt that it wasn't my responsibility to make her happy. I bought cards/presents for Mothering Sunday, birthdays and Christmas as I knew that DH wouldn't bother. I knew I'd get the blame otherwise but no credit either. You really couldn't win with her. We tried our best.

A wide mix of MIL and DIL relationships here. My MIL was a nice enough person but she simply did not want her only son to leave home, and any woman he had married would not have been good enough. This was not a surprise to me as my mother was exactly the same about me. DH was still living at home when we met because his mother had 'contrived ' to keep him there - but that's another story.

My MIL and I got along OK in a polite, distant sort of way (a bit like treading on eggshells), we never argued or exchanged sharp words, but I always felt like a visitor in her home never one of the family. MIL, FIL and my Mum all got along like a house on fire and became good friends, and my Mum was always included and invited to any family events eg Sunday lunch, birthdays and Christmas - and if she declined they took it as a personal affront!

When we announced our engagement my future FIL said I was not as pretty or 'well connected' as DH previous girlfriend, but he supposed I would do! He also said that he'd give our marriage 3 years and by then I would probably have left as he doubted I'd put up with DH long working hours. This year we celebrate our 40th anniversary - so he got that very wrong! He was always outspoken and the only right way was his way.

MIL and FIL both made a big fuss of our DSs when they were babies, but rather lost interest when they became talkative children who would ask questions or make comments on things. They never ever offered to babysit.
Our children were always polite and respectful to them but did not like visiting them as FIL was very strict about no food being left on their plates, no running around even in the garden, and they had to remain in one room where he could see them! Sunday lunch at their house became a bit of an ordeal.

In the early days of our marriage, whenever they came to our home for a meal my FIL would go into the kitchen and run a finger over the cooker top and the cupboards to see if my kitchen was clean enough for him to eat the food I had prepared! MIL caught him and told him off. I was not aware this happened but MIL told my Mum and she told me.

A few years after my FIL died we became aware that my MIL was struggling to live in their large house on her own. It needed a lot of repair and she didn't have the means to do it, and by then she also had mobility problems. We encouraged her to buy a smaller, more manageable, place nearer to us so that we could more easily help her. From that time our relationship deteriorated further. She became suspicious of me and even DH, so I stayed right out of any financial discussions and allowed DH to deal with it. It was a very distressing time for him as they had always been very close and he was only trying to do his best for her. She did eventually move nearer to us and we visited every day to take her meals (she refused to cook) and keep an eye on her. Later we arranged daily carers and any equipment or aids she needed. She remained aloof and frosty with me to the end, but on one occasion she remarked that our children had never really liked her. I denied this, but she said she couldn't love them because everyone she loved had left her. I felt so sad for her. When I did some Family History research after she died it revealed family secrets which might account for her remarks. She was always very secretive about her family and her past.

I wish I had been able to get closer to her and perhaps help her fully enjoy her grandchildren. I don't think I was a difficult DIL but perhaps I could have tried a little harder.

I vowed then to welcome my DSs partners with open arms and an open mind and never to interfere or criticise. I hope I am doing that as they are all lovely young women, and I think of them as the 'daughters' we didn't have. Time will tell - and I may never know - what they think of me.....

This thread has reminded me of a conversation I had recently with my younger sister, about our 2 grandmothers.
We all lived in the same town, and I can't remember any differences in my relationships with the 2 of them. Though I know they were very different socially (one rightwing one leftwing.)
My sister was surprised, implying that our Mum didn't get on with her MiL. Looking back, I can understand it. Especially as during WW2 we chose to live with MGM rather than PGM.
It's a complicated relationship.

I loved my MiL and she always treated me like the daughter she never had. We were united in our attitude to my husband, who never showed any love for either of us.
I’ve also always got on well with my sons in law. Many women seem determined to resent their daughters’ partners instead of welcoming into their family.

My Ex had a nasty old c*w of a stepmother, she was cold and unfeeling towards me and my kids. I was 16 when I met Ex. I can remember taking a bunch of daffodils on Mother’s Day, she tore me off a strip and said I’m nothing to do with ** so you don’t have to buy me presents! I was married to Ex for twenty years and she never even bothered to find out my birthdate so I never got a card.

My mil was widowed with five children, the youngest was only two years old. Her family was everything to her.

She welcomed me to the family. Her advice to my dh was that he should always put his wife first, advice I have recently passed onto my newly engaged son.

Mil never interfered but was always ready to help or support her family. She never had a lot of money, but always had so much love and time to give. All her children and their children are lovely people and I am proud to be part of their family. Yes, there have been sad times, illnesses, minor disagreements etc, but I feel my dh is the person he is because of her mothering.

We never fell out or had cross words but then, neither do my dh and I. We may not always agree on things but we always find a compromise and life is too short for petty jealousies and grudges.

Ex mil was a little bit difficult at first, we had different views on a a mans place in the home. Men don’t do housework or childcare but as we were both working my husband at the time had to knuckle down and do his share. Maybe that’s why we got divorced but mil was extremely supportive towards me and didn’t blame me one bit. In fact she became more of a mother to me than my own mother. Love her to pieces and still friends and included in family dos.

I think I'm a good DIL to my MIL. We have her for lunch every Sunday and once a week for tea. I take her to her numerous hospital appointments and sometimes just out somewhere for lunch or shopping. I love her dearly, but she is partially deaf (long story) and tells me she can't hear my voice in particular, so communication can be frustrating. In addition she talks about herself all the time, which can be a bit wearing. She has 3 other DILs, one of whom doesn't work and I do feel they and their husbands could do a bit more, not to mention the many grandchildren she has. The only one who really bothers with her is my daughter who is not her 'blood' relation. However she is a cheerful soul and very grateful for all we do for her, so I think we are lucky to have her.