Sorry but I am so sad

Annie I Didn't mention --you are on our Prayer Chain.++

What you have gone through Annie,you must be sad, and you are definately not selfish.
They will be sad too and will want to contact you regularly, once they have settled, things are easier these days regarding contact possibilities.
Do look after yourself you are so needed.
Sending hugs.

Everything Nanny41 says above. Take good care of yourself, dear Annie.

annie, this is major trauma......please please seek professional help.

Annie so very sorry you have yet more to deal with, it must seem never ending which I suppose it is in a way since that is life. It does hurt though doesn't it and you don't want to hold them back but you do want to still be able to hold them close. So difficult to get your head round isn't it. Mine are a minimum of 6 - 7 hours away and it might as well be the moon sometimes. That is not a moan either - just factual. I end up with a countdown on the calender to the next visit of whoever comes next and am just so glad that they want to come, can come and do come. You need to plan their visits too because when you cannot go yourself you so need those red letter days.
I hope your own health is picking up bit by bit now and you are regaining strength. You are still very much in my thoughts and prayers and remember Ph 4:13 and also Ps 139 ( particularly v 1 - 12 ) (((hugs)))

Oh Anniebach sorry to hear this. You are not being selfish, it's only natural to feel sad at losing your grandchildren, especially as they are going at the same time. Could you not visit them occasionally? Also, I know it isn't the same but there is always emails. My beloved eldest Grandson moved to London, I missed him very much at first but now we keep in touch on Skype.

Dear Annie really feel for you. Do you drive? I get the impression you are stuck in the house and mobility is limited. Is there any way you could make plans to visit them?

Thank you all, thank you for every post X

I am so angry with myself, have always been able to get myself together. Am now wondering if houses can be unlucky , I moved here last January , thrilled to have a larger garden for the dogs , bought a mobility scooter because this bungalow is on the flat, I was half way up a very steep hill. Was near my daughter and my niece, near the church. Arthritis has galloped, muscle wastage so bad I have trouble carrying mug of tea. Haven’t heard from my sisters or niece since the week after I moved . Can’t get to health centre, it’s next to the bridge. The Church closed. Physiotherapist has visited three times so not allowed more visits . Agoraphobia is getting worse. Can’t have help from mental health team, if over 65 have to go to a unit ten miles away, if under 65 can see a councillor here in town. I really want to help myself but just keep getting blocked. Only people who call are my granddaughters, love their visits, we have such fun. I really want them to move on. When the little one went to view the property they want to rent she walked around videoing it so I could see it at the same time. I love their laughter, their chatter, we don’t talk of my problems, we talk about their hopes, their shopping sprees, such laughter .

I really am cross with myself for moaning to you, I so want to help myself. Don’t know how.

Sorry

Is it time to consider moving near to your younger daughter?You said she wanted you to move close to her.
I know you love Wales, but are you able to see your beloved mountains now?
You are not, repeat not, moaning.

Oh Anniebach I feel so sorry for you. Please don’t feel sorry for “moaning “. If it helps at all then carry on and feel the love and care people on here have for you. I hope you can.

Can’t afford to rent near my daughter, they won’t consider me for social housing, and private rentals don’t allow dogs, I couldn’t part with Lottie . I really have tried, council here have refused to consider me for a move away from the bridge, I even asked Gwalia who support women, they only have flats and I just cannot live with people with drug or alcohol problems . I really have tried , feel trapped and angry that I have allowed myself to be so weak. Have contacted physiotherapists in private practice , they don’t do home visits.

Hell, this is yet another meme thread

Anniebach do not waste your energy being angry with yourself, you have nothing to reproach yourself with.
Do not be annoyed except with “fate” - you have had the rawest of deals for a while and I just hope that somehow fortune will smile on you before very long

mmm Annie, sometimes when we are in a spin mentally we cant think straight.

Undoubtebly support for MH issues is much depleted.

Do you have a nice ,calm friend or relative who can help you make sense of this predicament and move forward.

There must be some help out there....perhaps you are polite and minimise your distress?
Can you make a list and go to the GP and refuse to budge until somebody offers something?

If all you did was post meme threads then there would not be so many people posting on them trying to support you annie. We are here for you as we have always been. Although there is little we can do in our virtual world we do care and know that all you have been through has brought you to this low point.
I wish there was something we could do to help. Your DGDs sound lovely and although you will miss them it sounds as though they intend to keep in touch.
annie I know why the bridge holds such sad and awful thoughts for you but your DD is now at peace. She loved you and I cannot believe she would want you to be trapped like this in your home. I fear to suggest it but is it possible that you could try and face that bridge (maybe with some flowers for your DD) and know that she is free from pain now. I know this is easy for me to write and so hard for you to do but I wonder if it is your only way forward. I pray for you to be given the strength and help you need x

I just can’t go to the bridge, I know I should but at times I have thoughts of her standing there at 5.00am, so dark and she was so alone, can’t get past that , the man who tried to save her said she looked confused and couldn’t\wouldn’t speak. I adored her . In my house I can think of her here laughing , I want to hold onto this. I know it’s wrong, I never locked the door at night in case she needed me,i still cannot lock it. I am wrong not allowing her to be interred but I want her to come with me , not be alone in the cemetery. Suppose I am not ready to let go.

Sorry

Anniebach you say the church has closed. Are there no church people left around or is there a house church group? I’m clutching at straws here and desperately hoping that there is someone local who could try and help. There is also Bereavement Councilling or the Samaritans. A difficult ask I know but they might know of other options. Sending you love and prayers and will add you to our prayer list.

I think you are right not to force yourself to do anything, Anniebach
The time may come when you feel you can face it, but not for a long while.
If you can try not to focus on her last hours that would be good though. It can only cause you pain.
I find myself going back and back again to those last hours of Paw’s life and while I also have fond memories of the DDs, SILs and his sisters all holding hands round his bed as we said the Lord’s Prayer and the Grace, nevertheless it is very distressing. Try not to dwell if you can. My sympathetic Dr on Tuesday recommended (which I have done already) having happy pictures of Paw all round the house so that those images will embed themselves in my mind. She also said that she was brought up in N London in a Jewish tradition of waiting one year before even thinking of “moving on”. Getting those anniversaries, the “first” everything past, marking the year of his passing with the family and setting the stone and then taking that deep breath.

Maw, I can understand your G.P advising that. My house is filled with so many memories of her sense of humour, I have so many owl things around, she found so many fun things, owl key ring, door stopper, owls made from wood, coal, leather, even a photograph of her kissing an owl, there are ten ceramric house plant pots in the living room for my indoor garden, a nightdress with Tigger on the front! a set of three owls she said represented me , her and her sister, one, laughing two are grumpy, yes she was the laughing one, A peace Angel, these don’t make me unhappy, even an indoor iron water feature which makes me dash to the loo if in use, she thought this was so funny. The bridge would block all these lovely memories out.

Oh Annie you have had so much to deal with in such a short space of time no wonder you are finding just getting through a day hard.

I am angry on your behalf (I know it won't help but ...) that there is virtually no help or support for you from any of the agencies we always thought of as being there to help.

As for feeling angry with yourself - you need your energy to take care of yourself. seems like life has given you a real bashing you don't need to be doing that to yourself.

Please work at being kind to yourself not angry with yourself.

Are there any GNers near where you live that can come and visit you?

Nothing will take the place of you DD or your lovely GD's but may be a little company from someone who has some understanding and compassion for your situation may give you something to look forward to.

Please keep posting, if all us GNers can do is reply to you at least you will know there are people out here in the cloud that are wishing you well.

Take Care and I hope there is some way for you to change your situation. xx

Love the description of all your things Annie and can understand all the memories and think that you are really blessed to have so many. You do know deep down that your new house has nothing whatsoever to do with all this stuff happening and it is a blessing that you are in a much easier place in which to live. It would all have happened anyway. You will eventually cope with everything but you have to give yourself time. Just as Maw says - and I would counsel at least a year before even beginning the thought processes necessary before doing anything. The trouble always is that things keep happening so you get little time to make those adjustments in your mind's eye.

There are no church groups here now.

I will be ok, at times it’s difficult when I can’t talk about her,as if she had never existed. I don’t want long drawn out sad conversations , just at times being able to say she did this or said that , even through her illness these fun times happened . My birthday this year will be difficult, I never knew what she would turn up with, a bin bag filled with fun things and nothing that came out would surprise me but would give me cause to laugh and some things which were so sentimental. Please let me tell you this then I will shut up.
Three birthdays ago, she called from the front door ‘open the door I can’t, I did so and she was standing there clutching a very, very large object, all I could see was her legs , her hands clutching the package and a rather red face . It was a framed poster of the film Gone With The Wind, the cinama front poster, she had walked over two miles with it after bidding for it at an auction . Too heavy to hang from the wall of these little bungalows . I loved the film and she was rather fond of putting off studying - to tomorrow, I would call her Katie Scarlet when she said this , she remembered from over thirty years before . ? it’s propped against the wall in my bedroom. .

Thank you x

Sorry annie I do understand. I was wrong to suggest you try and cross the bridge. As I said it's easy for me and hard for you. Listen to the advice of maw and others with a greater understanding of what you are going through. Keep focused on your happy memories. I hope in time things will become easier.

please get some help Annie. Sorry to hear your particular church is not available but there are others?

She sounds like she was so much fun Annie and it is no wonder she has left such a void in your life. It is good to remember all the good stuff and to smile whenever you possibly can.