At a loss re very elderly parents

My DM is 89, independent although her mobility is compromised. She eats well, cooking good meals for herself & still has a good social life thanks to friends who take her out. She has good neighbours who keep an eye on her. She has been Widowed twice, DF died when I was 22 & Step-F 19 years ago.

I live 300 miles away so I visit twice a year each time for a week, we are both comfortable with that, any longer is too much (on either side).

I feel thankful we do get on well, I can't imagine what it is like to have a poor relationship. I do believe you have to look after your own health first, so please don't feel guilty if you only pay short visits. Anything less than a week is out of the question for me as I have a 5+ hour drive each way (I may have to start staying overnight to break my journey in a few years time) I am 62. Look after yourself first

You do have to protect yourself if you have depression.
I have had the same problem with my mother who is 92 and I am 65. She is much more mellow than she used to be although she was so nasty to me during one phone call that I could not call her for a while.
It is a shame that you are not close enough to make the visits short and sweet.
You have to keep your own boundaries although depression makes that difficult because you just can't have the arguments that it might cause.
I am not sure that there is any solution to difficult parents once they get to a certain age. You have the right to only take on what you can cope with. They have a good carer and it sounds as if they could afford more care if it becomes necessary.
Maybe you could telephone more than actually visit.

My Mum died recently, aged 96. Brought by Victorian parents, she had a bit of the Victorian in her too. As I was the only girl, I felt treated differently from my brothers. They noticed that the sweet, grateful old lady who stayed with them changed into the demanding and grumpy old dear when I arrived to take her back home! Just roll with it!

Never too late to say what is on your mind - if you don't do it now it will soon be too late. The relief is indescribable. I managed to say some of it before they both died and now wish I had said a lot more.

Very difficult but they are near the end of life and you have plenty in front of you and it's good to feel you have said what needed saying.

thanks so very much guys. Re the black dog, unfortunately the beast appeared when I had my kids 24 years ago. I have managed it, with varying degrees of success over the years.

I have a very good therapist who is helping me. I have fought so hard to get to a stable place, I guess I dont want it to slip away from me.

The " popping in " scenario would have worked best, but unfortunately I am about 3 hours away. My sibling, even further.

Indeed they do have what many people would love to have but as my therapist said they will play this to the end.They should have moved into sheltered accomodation years ago.

Anyhow we can only deal with the now, not what might have been.

oh and they think this is a common scenario, they worship the ground that a visitor walks on and I am " awkward"

Oldbatty, I'm very sorry to hear of your dilemma. Sadly I think this is being replicated across the UK, with thousands of people in their 60s, 70s (and - gulp - sometimes even in theit 80's?) having the care of, and worry about, their aged parents. I think that a major problem is that many of our aged parents had no experience of having these problems because their own parents had died well before they (our aged parents) reached 50, (or even 40.)
My mum is 94 and my elder sister (70) has the day to day worries, and all that this entails. Thank heavens our mum is now in an excellent care home. But our mother has dementia and she's frequently grumpy, rude, demanding, and difficult. Nothing is right and everything is contradicted. Visitors who are non-family are treated with much greater politeness, so there's definitely an element of awareness going on here. (My sister found having counselling to be a great help.) I offer support from a distance but I appreciate that the burden of care often falls to one family member. You must be kind to yourself about this. Even with them living so far away, I suggest that you keep your visits short. (Can you stay somewhere overnight, so that you make one short visit on the day of your arrival, then another on the next day, before you depart?) Some people won't agree with me, but my own view is that we "owe" our parents nothing (we didn't choose to be born). Do look after yourself and don't feel guilty! .

thanks David......I stayed 2 night in a local bad and breakfast, which went down like a lead balloon. Its such a mixed bag, sadness at their decline, anger with their barbed comments and sheer frustration at their bloody minded attitude.

Its tough isnt it. can you imagine people into their 70's and 80's worrying about mum and dad!!!

The build up to the visit, the
Journey to and from the visit can be as bad or if not worse than the actual visit itself.

Plan your journey
Music soothing, happy or even 'I will survive '.
Listen to a play in the radio and/ or a talking book, podcast, audio book anything that will stop you dwelling on the actual visit.

Plan something nice for your return home,
Dinner in the slow cooker or nice ready meal.
Cream cake and a magazine/book.
Have a prearranged phone call to a friend to chat about anything but your parents.

Arm your self with diversion tactics to use when parent starts with the moans, groans or put downs etc.
For example old Photos,
If talking about the past is their thing then start a conversation that is banal and from when they were young or what they did in the war, rationing etc.
A walk round their garden or a few minutes in the Kitchen taking a few breaths is helpful.
Remind yourself of plans for later
Keep your visit short.

Home journey get in the car breath deep and focus on your journey.
Do not allow yourself to debrief.
listen to music audio book etc
Remember You have a pleasant evening in front of you.
Treats a glass of wine etc.
Favourite film.

Yes! Welcome to membership of AAARGH! (Aged, Awkward, Argumentative Relatives Group Help!)

Guilt and a feeling of inferiority goes with the territory I’m afraid. It seems that some old people (and we’re not going to be like that) inhabit increasingly smaller worlds and inflict the insecurities brought on by age and infirmity on the only people they can. Those who love them end up taking the flack.

As they say at the beginnning of plane flights - First fasten you own oxygen mask before helping others. You won’t be any use to anyone if you’re not fit. Your parents need to understand this. You need to look after yourself first so you can support them. Try not answering the phone when your mother rings. Call back at your convenience. It’ll put you in control of the call. And don’t be afraid to hang up on her if she gets abusive. It really shocked my mum when I did that to her and she controlled herself much more after that. For a while anyway!! It can help if you ring them at about the same time each morning. And then be out (even when you’re not!). You know they’re ok and they know they’ll speak to you tomorrow. It may help.

Great advice Cherrytree.

they refuse to leave their home and although things are in place they are unsteady on their feet and frail. I live in fear of the phone going with some news. Meanwhile the little bit of time we have left is spent with mum having a go at me.

And remember, too, that, unless they are suffering from dementia, they are happy living where they are and as they do, with carers.
Perhaps you would feel happier if they were in a care home with constant care, but they may hate that.

It's said if you haven't resolved any issues you may have had with your mother, but perhaps she is storing up her grumbling until you arrive and then offloads on you. That is not really fair but try to let it go over your head.

I think we all recognise the scenario of the wonderful (but absentee) sibling or friend - I have resolved not to be like that and I hope I remember that.

and do as Cherrytree suggest - be kind to yourself.

said sad

Some great advice here. I'm going through it for a second time. My own DM died 10 years ago and now my in-laws are in their 90s and getting needy and frail. Luckily they live nearby so we can always escape home and they are nice to me because I'm not really family, am I!

My friend's aged mother sounds like yours. After her dad died my friend was actually scared to go to see her mother who had been poorly. I went with her for the weekend as a kind of chaperone. I felt the tension but was able to be objective and found the old lady quite charming.
Together we cleaned the house somewhat and my friend said she found it quite therapeutic having someone with her. After all she had just lost her dad.

thanks i feel so much less isolated. BTW, phone calls are from the carer, which o relay to my brother/exhausting.

cherry tree.....lovely advice apart from the fact that the few friends I have never phone. its sad isnt it that that form of communication has gone

Cherrytrees advise is spot on. Your parents carer sounds great. Can you make sure you visit while s/he's there? Having another person there while you are may help make your mum behave!

I opted for the 'less contact' route when my mother started to expect more attention, visits and taxiing around (I live an hour away so cannot just drop everything). It was hard to start off with because I hadn't realised I was doing so much; I made a decision from my 50th birthday that from there onwards, I was going to do what I wanted to do.

I have stuck to it, because I find her deteriorating health too much for me to deal with any longer. Hospital stays and GP visits are norm these days, and I have left it to my siblings to do what they want to do, in that they have taken over where I left off.

I have supported my mother for nearly 40 years (my father died young), it's time to think about myself and prepare for the next phase of my own life.

It's about balancing your own needs with that of your parents, and you'll be no good to anyone, least of all yourself, if you fall ill because of them.

My mum was capable of saying dreadful things to me but I was furious when she did it to DH as well. He had always done so much for her. When we visited, we often treated ourselves to a night away and a trip to a nice place to get rid of the hurt. Even though she finally decided on impulse to go to a flat with a warden she still died when the Warden was off duty & she’d refused any kind of help, alarm etc. The best thing I did, well before she died & when I wouldn’t forget how awful she’d been, was to decide I would never ever get caught up in feeling guilty after her death as I knew we’d done everything we could to help. That’s hard when you’ve been caught up in emotional manipulation from childhood but so far it’s worked. Please son’t be afraid of the phone ringing - others will be there to help.

I am so saddened by all this talk of backing off, reducing contact or complaining that ageing parents’ lives are dominated by medical issues or hospital appointments.
Welcome to the real world of ageing!
That could be you in a decade or so.
So they grump or moan - nothing new there and judging by some of the intemperate posts on various threads on GN, it is not exclusive to octogenarians.
By all means involve siblings, why should the burden all fall on one child, but in your declining years the world may be a threatening place, you fear losing your faculties, you may have lost your contemporaries and to be dependent on adult children who dread picking up the phone or are disappearing over the hills as fast as they can, leaves me speechless.
I think our society could learn a lot from cultures where it is the norm to esteem and respect the older generation and even take them into the home when they need care.

OP, is it perhaps the case that they could afford more help but don't want to pay for it, and are wanting you to,plug the gaps? If so (Dh had an aunt like this and it became very difficult) I can only suggest keeping your distance a bit more, keeping visits short (and even shorter if things become unpleasant) and be very firm about what you can or can't do.
Might be worth mentioning here that even when my mother had moderate dementia and was saying very nasty and upsetting things, she was still able to stop when I made it very clear that if she didn't, I was leaving at once.

You don't have to stay to be abused, so please don't let misplaced guilt make you put up with unpleasantness.
Old people can become extremely self centred and demanding - I could almost write a book about Dh's old aunt - and let's not pretend that all old people were nice people in the first place.

I would have been happy to have my parents move nearer or assist them in finding more suitable accomodation. Unfortunately they choose to put their fingers in their ears and pretend none of this applied to them.

We or should I say I am now left with this rapidly unfolding mess.

I have also outlined my rather fragile mental health as a reason for dreading phone calls. That and the many years they spent abusing me because to be honest smacking, belittleing and constant criticism is abuse.