Iis it unnatural to love your partner MORE than your children.

Yes, would always prioritise the younger generation. Because they are younger! And have lived less life than us. But this weird thing of loving one partner or sibling over another, I find quite disturbing. Maybe I am the less loved one? Wouldn’t surprise me! Usually get the booby prize.

Surely this is not Sophie's Choice?
Love them all, sharing love is the only things we really need. I read some place that at every point in one's life there are at least 5 people who love you. Those who share your love can change but it is you, creating and returning love that is the center of all.
Love IS all we really need.
Not measuring love.

paddyann while there is nothing you can do to mitigate the heardbreak of potential widowhood, I would have thought that your DHs health scare would have had the opposite effect to what you describe, as in a wake up call to be self sufficient, mentally emotionally and financially, incase the worst were to happen?

My DH means the world to me and if anything happened to him it would be catestrophic for me, but he is not the guardian of my welfare, he cant be! I have to be that for myself, and he for himself, with each others love and support of course.

I also would like to think that if I died and he lived, his "life" wouldnt end when mine did, and he would be able to carry on and look after himself

Always Annie ? I dont understand that ,my husband is key to my welfare ,He is literally a light in my life and when he had heart attacks a few years ago it made me realise just how important he is to me.My AC have their own lives ,sure we;re close ,closer than most families I know but OH is my priority .My childrens welfare is important and I do all I can for them but there are certainly times when they would know and expect their father to be first ..as they would expect him to put me first too. I'm truly blessed to have such a great marriage and hopefully it will be for many more years .

I would expect my husband to put our children first , had he lived

I love my children and grandchildren more than I loved my husband. I believe he feels the same. However I do still love my husband (now ex) in a different way and always will. We didn’t separate in acrimony or because of a 3rd party so this possibly makes it easier
My big surprise is that I love my DGC as much as I love my own children. I don’t believe this was true of my own mother or my GM both loved their child more than their GC.
I never expected the love for DGC to be the same as for my own DC but it is and I would do anything for any of them. The lovely thing is that they all know it and everyone is just happy that their is so much love to go around

the fire "test" only works if all of your children are adults, and all of your choices are equally fit and well.

As children, I would save my babies, as DH can physically get himself out.

If he was old and frail, I would save him, as adult children can get themselves out

I remember being shocked many years ago (and this was before I had children) when a friend said that if they were all shipwrecked she would try to save her husband but not her little child - because she could always have more children.

The love you have for spouse and children is different, but I would always feel rather more protective of my children and would expect their father to feel the same about them.

Loving your partner comes first in the sense that, he or she is above all else. For example, if your spouse and you had made a decision, and then your child comes along and wants to change the plans...then it would be correct to tell your child what you and your spouse had agreed upon and follow through with that. When you love your spouse above your children, it simply means that they are at the front of all decsions before others. When you show this Kim of love to your spouse, your children will identify with the importance of being a spouse entails. And a husband and wife should always put God at the front of their marriage and submit to prayer through all things together.

I agree with those who say there are different kinds of love - but if push came to shove, I would never put anyone above my children. If I had to choose between saving them or my other half, I'd save my children every time (even though they're now grown up) and I'd expect him to do the same.

But whose needs would you put first?

The example I think of (from personal experience) is:

If you or your partner's job (whichever is the main breadwinner) moved to a distant part of the country, or another country, but you had a child settled at a good school - would you move the family and risk interfering with the child's education - or split the family until the child had finished that stage of school, and risk the relationship?

Oh dear! Reading my earlier reply, the emphatic NO was in response to part of the OPs comment, not the title of the thread.
I do think it unnatural to love a husband/partner more than one's children.
My children were and are loved unconditionally, unlike my then husband who was a great husband and is an exceptional father.

I was a daddy's girl and my D is a daddy's girl .She sends lovely comments his way about how she is who she is because of him .My S is Daddy's mini me,same attitudes ,same nature ,same hobbies and interests.I used to joke that I dyed my hair blonde so that at least they looked like me .
Dads are every bit as important as mums ..in this house anyway ,as a mother who has lost children I know the heartache of a lost child and I know I can live with it...not sure I could lose my OH and manage to go on.
My Uncle died in March ....my Aunt, his wife of 50 odd years died the next day .Hearbreaking for my cousins but they know their mum couldn't cope without him and that as she believed in heaven then they are there together .Just how they were meant to be .They also know they were loved by both parents

Just think about this for a moment.
When children, whether under 18 or well into adulthood, are thanking a parent either in a public forum (if they are well known) or at school when making or drawing something to take home, it's almost always the mother who is the focus of their thoughts.
Elton John and his mum. Chris Evans and his mum, David Walliams and Gary Barlow and their mothers among thousands of others in different professions right around the world, all credit and acknowledge their mothers when picking up accolades. I have rarely heard anyone single out their father in that way. Mothers and children are inseparable no matter how many miles apart.

I think its equally unhealthy to be honest to say "my kids are my life"

I think thats putting too much pressure on their heads and making them responsible for your happiness and mental welfare.

You can be happy TOGETHER (with kids or partners).
But you cant MAKE someone else happy, if theyre unhappy in themselves.
Which is why its never fair to cite your partner or kids as your reason for living.

notanan2

I absolutely agree. Never a truer word.

*Pressed send prematurely but I think my comment was enough.

Always my children. I brought them into the world so love them unconditionally. I would never feel that way about a husband/partner. However, I am very independent which I'm sure makes a difference.

NO
You can leave a partner, divorce a husband but never 'divorce' your children.
My love for my children is completely different from the love I had for my ex husband.

Great question paddyann, made me think and read all the posts. The question is - is it unnatural to love your OH more than your children? From all the different replies it looks as if its natural to love OH more, children more or both equally in different ways - and people all differ. Personally I love my children totally and unconditionally. I might be critical of them sometimes but I could never stop loving them. My love for OH comes with a raft of conditions including that I get something from him in return. For me it would be unnatural to love OH more.

I think mums put the children first, they are going to demand attention more persistently, certainly until they are 16, longer if you are really unlucky
Husband has to muck in with the rest until they go to bed then you can have some time together.

I find it unnatural to love a partner more than your children and grandchildren. Romantic love is different to the love you have for your children and grandchild. You can’t replace a child, you can replace a partner.

NanaEm,

This is such a sad story, and typifies how most people would think in the circumstances you describe, is it the kids. What a dreadful shock you must have had to find it was your husband in such unusual circumstances as well. I really don't know how you dealt with that.

I was at work when I got the message that my dad was at reception. I didn't even know he knew the building I worked in so immediately knew something was badly wrong. The 2 minutes it took me to get down to him seemed like an eternity, I was terrified something awful had happened to one of my children. My first words were are the children alright? When he said they were the relief was overwhelming. Then he told me my husband had drowned.

driverann, sorry to hear about your black lab and the loss of your sister. As you say love is love and once gone still remains in the heart.

The question here is about loving ones partner/spouse more than your children. Perhaps we should add our pets to that, and of course our siblings. It really is about loving anyone and putting them before our children I can see that could be the case.

I hope your thoughts of your black lab and your sister give you nice warm feelings of love.