Welcome to the new Argy Bar and cafe, abandon hope all ye who enter here.?

Oy! lemon give me back my flashing lights! I need them round my window so people can see me and know what I do for a living that I am in. You can have them back a Christmas (my day off). chewy what exactly is it you are covered in???

I've found some baubles but they hang a bit low as the string has stretched over the years. That reminds me, anyone seen Big Jim recently?

meno your mind! Are the baubles big enough though? ?

I have a few pairs if you all happy with that

Out of the blue I've suddenly thought of that old sea shanty, do your b* * hang low can you swing em to and fro, an you tie em in a knot can you tie em in a bow....... never used to think like this before becoming an Argyan (what is the correct word for a regular actually?). ?

The word is an Argy and we are all Argies on here.
It’s my second home in fact, and I am getting very houseproud about the place, I cleaned the bar top today so as you can see your face in it ( if you can stand the shock that is.)
We are trial-ing a new guest beer this week, ‘Old Dark Tar’ I have heard it’s so strong that 2 pints can have you sliding under the table....ooh! Must give it a go!

Doodle that is the Admiral’s favourite song, he has such a lovely voice and his rendition of it brings a tear to the eye.?

Ah lemon I think I'll join you in a pint of Old Dark Tar. I could do with a sit under the table. Chuck me down a bag of pork scratchings please. Oh it's not so clean down on the floor. Those ferret droppings are all over the place ?

I saw tears in the Admirals eye too but I think that was because I asked him if he had any baubles for the tree.

meno you wouldn't would you ? Poor man, what would he do with out his dangly bits (were you thinking of painting them or covering them in glitter to make them a bit more festive ?)

We seem to be losing all our male helpers in the Argy?
It must be Brexit!!!
Never mind, according to some, there will be soldiers on every street soon, so we can pull a few ( I’ll wear me mini skirt and fishnets )
The Hans went home ( escaped from the cellar) and Barry deserted us for The Rat and Pipe down the road ( he said they would actually pay him... real money! They must be mad.
So, Wednesday we are interviewing suitable ( and unsuitable) applicants to man the bar and help Big Jim with the cellarwork.
Quite a few have asked for interviews, so we must take it in turns to do this ( in the store room at the back, the one with a padlock on the door.)
Don’t forget to report back to us on who you give a job to, and describe them ( for our edification ?) ONLY lookers of course and rather muscular ( no wooden legs please.)

I'm reporting back!
I've been busy "interviewing" in the store room at the back.
What do you think of this guy?
Handsome, tanned and muscly (picture Coke ad and the guy cutting grass) called Trevor and has been cutting lawns all Summer and needs something to see him through the Winter.
He's on a trial run, I've sent him down the cellar to help Big Jim and told him he's only allowed to work shirtless.
I'm rushing home to get glammed up for tonight when he's behind the bar.

I think he needs a second 'interview' buffy. I'll check him over and report back.......it might take a while ?

Buffy.....cor, well done for hiring him, what a hunk!
Pity he only has one eye, but I have a thing for men in eyepatches ( think pirates!)?
I have been doing my own bit of interviewing today, I am tireless in the pusuit of perfection for the workplace, as you know.
So, out of five applicants I finally selected one....Boris, a large bear of a man with an unruly blonde mop, he is strong and says he will work hard for hardly any money, as he needs to lie low away from the authorities for a while.
I can’t tell you where he comes from, he does have a strong
accent of some kind and stutters a bit as well.I suspected he was in hiding from the Russian Mafia, but he muttered that it was a bit closer to home than that...’think Westminster’ he said. What an enigmatic chap he is.
Not fanciable I’m afraid ladies, but he can carry a full crate on one shoulder and will work for food only.

Did anyone else do any recruiting today?

I put in a night shift lemon. I saw a chap lingering near the entrance and asked him if he wanted a job.

His eyes lit up. I took him down to the cellar where he started to strip off. I told him it wasn't necessary but allowed him to carry on because you did say we had to recruit a looker. So I had a good look.

Sadly he was rather flabby and a bit on the short side and wore a ghastly lime green posing pouch. That was the deciding factor. Decent undies are a must.

He said his name was Maurice, pronounced Maureeese. He also said he was Maureen on a Wednesday.

I told him we'd let him know. His parting shot was a shot of Malibu, two pints of heavy, a rum and black and a Cherry B. He said he'd "do anything" and winked and leered, at which point I told him to sling his hook as you run a respectable establishment.

Maureeese loiters in the alleyway most evenings so we know where to find him if we're short handed.

I think that Trevor ought to have a third shirtless interview so I'll volunteer and check him over. I'll help myself to a large voddie by way of recompense if that's ok. We do have to be careful who we recruit so I am prepared to go the extra mile to oggle at check out potential studs barmen.

Boris is complaining he's had to work all night on his own as Trevor had lots of interviews.
He's flopped like a great white whale on the comfy chair with a bottle of Dom Perignon and caviarre butties he brought for his lunch break. He's quite posh I think!
Keeps muttering about his last boss Teresa being useless.

I think we would have to be very short handed to recruit Maurice/Maureen.....although, can Maureen cook?
I interviewed Trev myself this morning, cor!! Boris needs to get on his bike over to Soop’s place to collect our haggis pasties for the lunch crowd.Please tell him not to eat more than three on the way back!

We seem to be unusually busy in here this evening, I'm having trouble pushing my way to the bar, through all these scantily clad women.
Ah! Now I see!
Trevor is behind the bar, wearing just his barman's apron.
Marydoll and Meno keep asking him for anything off the bottom shelf and its causing uproar.
Lemon will be happy, the till is overflowing ?and Boris is running up and down the cellar steps with crates of Wkd and Bacardi Breezers on his shoulders.
Doodle and Day6 are sitting at the end of the bar, gazing fondly at our new aquisition and giggling into their pints of Olde Darke Horse bitter.
I'll just settle here in the corner with this bottle of Dom Perignon, I've found under the table.

Pssst. I'm bringing in a new candidate tonight. I saw him on a building site earlier and he's lookin for part time bar work. He's quite a catch but I have told him we run a high end night club so tidy up a bit and hide the ferrets when he comes for his interview.
lemon wear some thing decent (well partially respectable) tonight and get meno to stop swinging her baubles around (she'll take someone eye out with those soon). buffy get ready to put him through his paces. By the way his name is Thor and he's Norwegian.

Oooo! Thor! Interesting!
If better get my work gear off and jump in the shower! Well, under the bucket in the cellar with a bit of Fairy Liquid.
Right! Lemon said I could borrow her classy slutty evening wear. These red satin hotpant, sequined top and black Doc Martin's will have to do. I'll just squeeze myself into it.
Ta da! I'm ready!
Send Thor in for his.... ehem, "interview"!

Does he have a big hammer Doodle or didn’t you notice?
I don’t want him swinging it about in here with all these glasses on tables!
Don’t stretch my velvet hotpants please Buffy ( no doing your party piece splits.)

Do the splits? These hotpants are so tight, I can hardly walk and my legs are turning a funny shade of purple.
I have examined "interviewed" Thor, and he's in tip top shape, so I've chucked him behind the bar with Trevor.
It's bedlam in here.
I need to get these pants off before I do myself a mischief!
Where's my slobby old tracksuit bottoms?

Ahem! Yes he does have a big hammer lemon but he keeps it in his trousers when he's working so it shouldn't break any glasses......well not unless he gets over excited ?